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Distorted Me

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About Distorted Me

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  • Birthday 05/18/1974

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    Tennessee, US
  1. Bipolar libido extremes

    I myself usually do a good job of keeping my feelings to myself, so the infatuations are almost always one-sided, though that wasn't always the case. That creates other problems though, as I'm left wondering if everything is always just in my head or is there ever any reciprocation. And I don't need any more situations where I'm wondering whether or not everything is just in my head, haha. The truth could be the perfect explanation here. Maybe if you explain your situation to the other party they might understand. Since these are sometimes professional relationships as well and MI can be a sensitive topic, you don't even have to say "I'm bipolar and so..." you can just say "I have this thing about really liking great people sometimes, sometimes a little too intensely" or something along those lines. They might be flattered more than anything. I definitely would be. That could clear the air and you wouldn't have to necessarily avoid them completely. Otherwise, you just might have to cut yourself off and keep remindering yourself that these are chemical "feelings" not real.
  2. Bipolar libido extremes

    Hmmm...sounds to me like this is some kind of hypo-manic or manic episode. The chemicals in your brain are playing tricks on you to make you think you're infatuated or in love with these people. You seem, on some level, to know it's not real. But as in any other mania-type feelings, that little voice of reason gets pushed aside by emotions which are being encouraged by your chemistry, and so on. It's a helluva cycle. I've had similar experiences myself. It also sounds to me like travelling is your trigger for these events. If you have a therapist, I would definitely bring it up. Acknowledgment and understanding can do a lot to decrease the power these things have over you. Your meds may not be quite doing the trick as well, so you might want to bring this up with your pdoc also. These are just my opinions, and I'm not a doctor. I do have triggers for manic episodes so I try to control them as much as I can. Going up is so fun and euphoric, but I know full-well how bad coming down is. It's a bad trip every time. I hope this helps.
  3. I'm really struggling

    All I know is I had once has a pdoc up my Wellbutrin from 300 mg to 450 mg. Said it "makes you feel more" and this was after I spent 10 minutes describing a classic hypo manic almost manic experience that lasted for weeks. This was years before my correct diagnosis as BP but needless to say it did not end well. I went up and then crashed down HARD, had fits of crying uncontrollably, almost suicidal. When you have a strong, strange reaction like that, the last thing you need is to increase dosage.
  4. I'm really struggling

    Lovebug82, you definitely need to call and/ or see your pdoc as quickly as possible. I'm no doctor but I've already been through 4-5 bp meds since being accurately diagnosed as bp 2, mainly depression, a few months ago. I have no experience with Seroquel but it sure sounds like that drug is not a good mix for you at all. If I were taking it and had that reaction I would know it's not right for me. I just don't think any drug should cause a response like that. It's not healthy. A few that I tried had weird reactions to my brain chemistry but nothing like that, mostly dysphoria, akathisia, bad RLS, etc. Please call your doctor right away and let them know. Call them right away anytime anything even slightly odd happens when you're trying a new med. Best of luck to you.
  5. Wow Ironman7, you have an incredible amount of wisdom about addiction and yourself. You've faced down a lot in yourself to get that. I've been BP since my teens at least, majorly depressed as a child before that. Alcoholism and addiction run in my family. My drugs of choice have been pot, alcohol, cocaine, and sex/ porn. I have had the great fortune of never being around opiates enough to want to try them. I cannot imagine the physical pull and pain they cause and I'll never claim to understand what you all have to go through. I've only been properly diagnosed recently with BP so it's only recently become clearer to me why I kept hiding in my addictions. I just thought I was an arrogant, selfish prick that liked to get high or get my rocks off not realizing I was doing things in cycles for the most part. Unfortunately, the partying was so prevalent it's hard to tell sometimes which came first, the chicken or the egg so to speak. But some recent sober introspection has made things so much more clear to me. Seems my "stable state" is depressed and has been for most of my life (I'm 43 now). I was depressed but anxious and agitated and aggressive so nobody could easily see I was depressed in the classic sense. That aggression really helped me hit the weights and improve my body and physical confidence which helped the depression but, in turn, served to increase my aggressive nature. It's an absolute miracle I've never been taken to jail or done some serious harm. Learning how to isolate myself was key I'm sure but I've scared a lot of people over the years. Every few months I'd come out of depression into hypo-mania and everything would be just fine again. All my worries were just imagined. The sun was always shining. Everything and everybody was beautiful. My confidence was sky-high and I was ready to take on the world again. That was the 'real me' after all, back once again from another unexplained short break. I've scared people in this happy mode as well. Then reality hit me in the face again and I'd realize I was just a pathetic loser, alcoholic, druggy, pervert. I was just faking everything and I was worthless. Cue the retreat back to my addictions even harder. Isolate myself from everyone as much as I could. Keep myself 'happy' doing the things I thought I loved but hide it from most everyone if I could. Over and over and over.... What sucks for us is that the addictions made things so foggy and it's impossible look back and clearly see cause and effect. This is how it was as best as I can see now. I'm not completely sober yet, still drinking some, trying like hell to not think about the coke I love so much, and how do you swear off sex and porn when you still have a libido and a penis? But I'm doing a lot better. Interestingly, the addictions seem to have lost a lot of power now that I understand them more. Again, no opiates in my life, so that's a whole other ballgame I've never had to deal with. Sorry for rambling so much...it's something I do well. Thank you so much for starting this thread. It's helped me a lot hearing everyone's stories and being able to tell mine here as well. Peace and best of luck. Don't expect perfection, it's just impossible to achieve. Just keep doing your best.
  6. I agree with all of you here. I used to LOVE weed as one of my many addictions but it did make many of my BP symptoms worse sometimes. It could calm me down sometimes and other times it would make me so paranoid and anxious I could not stand it. Seems the various strains can have wide-ranging effects on my brain as well so it's impossible to tell what any strain might do to me. To make it worse, weed always leads me back to porn which is a HUGE addiction of mine so I can't have one without the other really. Good thing I live in a backwards state where I can't just go get some at the store or clinic.
  7. This is probably 90% chemical at the very least. I get the same way when I'm off my meds and don't self medicate. I'll be depressed then have uncontrollable bouts of crying and I'm not a crying type of person. When it happens, the more I try to hold back, the harder it is. My SSRI's held it off to varying degrees over the years but not always. I wasn't properly diagnosed with BP until two months ago and we realized the SSRI's may have kept me from deep, deep depression cycles, but were making my hypo-mania worse. If I were you, I would see my pdoc and let him or her know this is happening. Your meds may need to be adjusted. Talking to your therapist can't hurt either. Good luck.
  8. If you're manic and you know it...

    I personally have only been recently (2 months ago) properly diagnosed as BP 2. I'm 43 and was misdiagnosed as depressed with ADHD 11 years ago so up until recently it's been the usual SSRI's with Wellbutrin for ADHD and various benzos to calm my ass down when I got super anxious, crazy, or too hypo-manic I'm trying Vraylar now but just started it at 1.5 mg yesterday. So far, so good though. I've tried 4-5 others already for my BP in just two months and they either reacted badly with my body like akathisia or made my RLS many times worse. Depakote was on I tried the longest but it made me feel like shit and gave me this incredible lower back pain that would not go away. It's really a crap shoot since everybody's chemistry is so different. It's really impossible to tell what's going to work for you until you actually try it.
  9. If you're manic and you know it...

    Yup, sure sounds like your manic or hypomanic at the very least. Your meds are not doing the trick and you need to find a different drug or combination. Hypomania and mania are so seductive but so dangerous. I have been hypomanic at times where it felt better than any drug I have ever done (and I've done a fucking lot of drugs, trust me). It's unbelievable and indescribable to others. God, what an AMAZING feeling, so euphoric. But it's all chemical and that's why it gets us into trouble. You think it's real but it's not. The other 90% of society that doesn't have some mental ailment simply can't understand. So much of what we feel, and therefore how we act or who we act with, is just in our heads. If I could bottle that feeling I'd never feel anything else. But that's not reality. Reality always comes crashing back in on the mania party when you least expect it. This is the danger time. You were feeling so freaking great and now you're feeling so freaking bad. This is when despair comes in and suicide attempts happen. Please talk to your pdoc or any doc about this. Reign in your brain chemicals and take control of your life. It is possible and it's great when it happens.
  10. Insecurities from my past . Can't move on .

    Please don't keep beating yourself up about this, WeightOnMyShoulders (great name btw...says so much). You could not ever have been expected to be in control of such strong, overpowering urges like these. You were most likely exposed to sex at a very early age in some fashion, whether you remember it or not. This probably happened to me and many, many others as well. I have flashes of memories of odd sexual situations from a very early age that I cannot explain but I know are real. I can't be responsible for those memories as I had no control over those situations. You also got some positive feedback from the first girl and possibly others which only encouraged your behavior. It's only natural for kids to play games and without being taught correct sexual boundaries, things are bound to happen. What happened happened. It's time to let go and let yourself be human. There are literally hundreds of things we all would like to take back, sexual or not, from our childhoods but we simply cannot. Please allow yourself to be just like every other human and forgive yourself for these things which you had no control whatsoever over. I think you should take great solace in the fact that you are regretful now of those actions. It means you have great morals and know what it right and what is wrong. That is something to take great pride in. Not everyone is like that, trust me. You sound like a good, kind person and you are not alone in feeling like you do. Please find it in your heart to forgive yourself. You deserve it.
  11. My Biggest Regret in Life

    Hi Alien Navel Cord, Please don't keep beating yourself up about this. You did do the right thing by telling your friend about this. It would have been great if they had reported him to the police, but who knows? You were in shock, understandably, so remembering to get his address for later was the last thing on your mind. Don't expect yourself to react "perfectly" in that kind of situation. Take great solace in your great morals by even feeling this way in hindsight. This was an awful situation that you had no way of foreseeing. To feel this level of guilt shows you are a good, kind, caring person. The best we can do is hope that he never hurt anyone and hopefully he got or will get help for his sickness. If you feel you must do something about this, put your energy into being the best upstanding man you can be to the women and girls in your life and in your future. Take care, friend.
  12. I've got a problem

    Hi Chantho, I just wanted to add my two cents for whatever it's worth. Please take it or leave it as you wish. From my perspective, when they say "the grass is always greener..." it's so true so just be careful. It's ok to have these feelings and you're so strong to acknowledge them and think them through as you have. But we, as human beings, tend to create so much more in our heads than what's really there sometimes. And it happens so often in those with mental challenges like us (I'm bipolar - lifelong). I've been there. I have been married to the most wonderful person I could ever imagine. Yet I took her for granted for many years always looking for something else in someone else only to have the supreme fortune to realize later on that she is my true soulmate and there is nobody else that could be. I sense similar feeling when you so beautifully describe your attachment to your husband. My story is mine, of course, and yours is yours so you must do as you see fit. I just don't want to see anyone ruin something they might already have but just can't see clearly at this moment, for something that might not truly be real. I don't know if I could have lived with myself if I ever lost my wife for something I thought was more when I had so much right in front of me. Please proceed with caution.