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Fluent In Silence

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About Fluent In Silence

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  1. tired of mental illness in media

    The pictures they use to illustrate depression and mental illness sometimes piss me off. Things like this I'm never that photogenic in my misery. I often just plant my forehead on my desk, which wouldn't make a good picture and wouldn't convey a sufficient level of misery I suppose. But what's this fucker's problem? "Oh my God! I don't have any furniture! Why didn't I go to Ikea?" Poor guy.
  2. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    I'm struggling a bit against the part of me which wishes I was a light house keeper on a deserted rock who has no contact with anyone from the outside world. It's so much easier just being alone, for a while anyway. Living alone on a deserted rock with just my own thoughts to keep me company? Well that's going to be shit. I'll just drive myself crazy and end up leaping off the top of the lighthouse. So that's probably not a great career choice. I don't know, when I talk to people it's always Shields Up! People can't possibly like me and it will only end in hurt. Try to not care and shelter in indifference. But wouldn't it be nice if someone loved me and we'd cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV watching some crap but it wouldn't matter how awful the TV show was because we'd be in each others arms and that would make everything ok. That's never going to happen and hope can be torture. It's always a question of how much you can change. Sometimes there's no cure and it's not a question of beating your mental illness but how to live with it and how to deal with it better. Is that pessimism or just being realistic? I'll never be 'normal' but maybe I underestimate what I can be. Maybe I can be someone worth cuddling on the sofa with. But the panic! Easier to be hard on the outside and never let anyone anywhere near my pathetically tender self.
  3. random thoughts!

    I learned a new word today - Yonic. It was in reference to this perfume bottle, which should give a clue as to it's meaning. I mean it does look a bit like a... lady's private dirty shameful bits. Or vagina if you prefer. Or clunge, minge, flange, beaver. You get the idea. It's the female version of Phallic, which is a fancy way of saying that something looks a bit like a cock. Something like this That's a church. Either the architect wanted it to look like a wonky cock or he was a really shit architect. Yes he! Which isn't meant to sound sexist. Women can of course be architects but it's difficult to imagine a female architect building a giant wonky cock. I guess the pulpit is at the tip. Oh and there's a disgusting joke about the organ player which I won't repeat. We've probably all heard something called phallic but how many of us have ever heard the word yonic? Let's redress that imbalance with some yonic images.
  4. The NHS in all it's wonders and weaknesses

    No idea. The guy I saw is going to write to my GP and ring me next week to tell me how things stand. Maybe CBT would've helped a little even if it didn't cure me. It's probably because I said that I might have a personality disorder and I was completely honest when he asked about suicidal thoughts. Thinking about suicide isn't the same thing as doing it, and it's a pretty typical thought with depression, but whenever I've talked about it with any medical professional they have tended to shit a brick. It's not serious and it's been far more of a risk in the past than it is now. Yeah those non-serious whimsical and playful suicidal thoughts. I don't know what happens from here. Maybe he was right though. It was hard to imagine that a 6-10 week course of CBT could cure me of a lifetime of crappy damaging thoughts.
  5. Just finished This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor by Adam Kay. Funny and also incredibly sad. Informative too, about what it's like to work as a doctor in the NHS. It's hell, its ridiculous, and the people who work in such conditions do so for best reasons and deserve to be treated better.
  6. The NHS in all it's wonders and weaknesses

    Spoke too soon. CBT ended before it started. The guy I saw thinks that I need a proper evaluation and that he can't do anything for me. He gave me a sheet last week to write about problems and the thoughts that they provoked. I didn't have a great week but I didn't think that what I'd written was that bad. He spent a long time reading it in wide eyed silence before telling me that I should see a specialist in order to properly understand the problem. That's a different branch of the mental health services and he didn't know how it works. It goes back to my GP to refer me to someone or other and I don't know what happens now. Thought I'd got lucky seeing someone so soon but hey ho.
  7. It's a sort of mantra which I repeat to myself every morning - no-one loves you, no-one cares. Then I pinch off, wipe and go and make a cup of coffee. So begins another day. As someone who had crap parents I'm always amazed to meet people who actually like their parents. I thought that fathers only hugged their sons in movies. But I probably do matter to my brother and sister. I guess the thing is that it's different to matter to someone who isn't related. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family, and nobody has choosen me. Though this might have something to do with me being unsociable and scared of relationships. Yeah maybe just a bit. Family should love you and think that you matter whoever you are (ideally, if often not always in practice), and me and my fellow offspring care about our mother more than she damn well deserves. My brother has said on more than one occasion that if she wasn't related then he'd want nothing to do with her. I don't disagree. You seem to have nice parents but even so I can understand wanting to matter to someone with whom you don't share DNA. Not because they're related to you but because you're you and you matter to them because of that. There's some proof there that you're actually worthwhile. I imagine.
  8. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    A porno! I've often thought about making pornographic versions of Shakespeare plays. As I'm sure we all have. "Is this a dildo which I see before me?"
  9. I presumed that was the case but still, if Dr Certaindeath discovers a disease you'd think that they might have enough tact to call it something different. "You have Certaindeath disease but it's nothing to worry about." Who the hell wants to have a disease named after them anyway? You can't really feel any pride to hear that every year so many people die from a disease named after you. And Graves' obviously makes you think about death, which isn't a good thing for an illness which can cause depression and anxiety. If Dr Graves wanted to have his name forever linked with people's suffering then there was something wrong with him. Call it Unicorn Herpes or whatever, it doesn't really matter, except when it does. If I hadn't read this post and gained a little understanding of what it was then if someone had said "I have Graves' disease." I probably would've assumed that it was fatal. Oh I'm probably making too much of this.
  10. Daith piercing

    Can't remember what Douglas Adams said about Belgians but according to the Hitchhiker wiki 'Belgium' is the rudest word in the universe. And "In the US version of the third novel, Life, the Universe and Everything, the word is used to replace the word "fuck" which was in the British publication."
  11. They really called it Graves' disease? Something that can cause depression and anxiety and can lead to thoughts of self harm and maybe suicide, and they called it Graves'? That's not helpful. I don't have any experience of this but I do have experience of hurting myself and I do understand but don't do it. No-one has ever looked back and thought how glad they are that they self-harmed.
  12. Daith piercing

    Well if I ever meet a Belgian then I just pull down my pants, lift up my organs of reproduction and show them my piercing. They tend to run away saying things in Belgian (the Devil's tongue!) that I can't understand. As a nation they seem to be oddly afraid of someone holding their genitals and pointing to a ring betwixt their balls and their anus. They aren't like us. Sooo, any Belgians here? I'm only joking you know. I don't know if Belgians have a sense of humour but it's sometimes where you make a ridiculous argument and take it to such an extreme that nobody can possibly take it seriously. I don't know if Belgians are sophisticated enough to understand that I'm not trying to offend them.
  13. Well I clicked on this because I thought it said Maori proposal. You've proposed to a Maori? Congratulations! But it's about a type of medication that I know nothing about. So erm... If you were ever to get married to a maori then you could do the haka dance like this Which would be much more interesting than most weddings. I really love that video - not typically romantic but so nice. It has absolutely no relevance to your question but... erm... I'm not at all sure to finish that sentence. Hopefully you'll like the video. Erm... bye.
  14. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    I feel like I failed at being a human being today. Not in any way that was at all interesting, just little things. So I should probably kill myself, but that's my answer to everything and I'm not really going to do it. I'll just think about it a lot and make myself feel miserable. Being anything like well often seems impossible while suicide seems so easy - all I'd need is a live squid, a car battery, some sort of lubricant, a large funny shaped vegetable, some scrap metal, a cockerpoo, 200 uninflated baloons and a coconut. Or just a razor blade. It just seems impossible that life will ever be anything other than shit. But I don't mean to sound suicidal because I'm not. I do wonder whether I should be.
  15. Ways to naturally increase testosterone? You could watch the movies of Steven Segal, or some other meat head, and then tell everyone how awesome it was when he kicked the guy's head off and it landed in the waste paper basket or whatever. Sorry. Not a serious suggestion. Though watching Stephen Segal movies might help you fall asleep (SPOILER! He beats the crap out of a lot of people and makes the world safe for freedom and democracy.) Well I have nothing useful to say, but I hope it works for you (the endocrinologist I mean, not Steven Segal movies.)
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