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Fluent In Silence

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  1. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    I'm doing everything wrong. Can't even be nice properly. Damaged beyond repair.
  2. Tats meaningful to me- cutting

    I remember thinking that it would be a good idea to get a dotted line tattooed down my wrist along with something like "In case of emergency cut along the dotted line." Honestly I still think that's funny but I'm probably a sick puppy. Never thought of tattoos which are meaningful to self harm. I've wondered about tattoos to hide the scars. But I've been meaning to get a tattoo for a long time and I can't make up my mind about what I want to be permanently inked with. I was never so hesitant when I was permanently scarring myself, and that was far less artistic.
  3. Whether you're religious or not I think it's interesting to ask if it's possible for God to have free will. Can a perfect and omniscient being act otherwise? Of course none of us mere mortals are perfect and omniscient, and this makes the idea of free will questionable I think. Without the possibility of certainty our actions will always contain an element of randomness, which doesn't make us free at all. But those seem to be the two choices - certainty is no choice but neither is randomness. And we make those decisions in an unpredictable world based on what we are and what we've learnt. We can't escape our upbringing, our gender, our culture. We never chose these things but they make us who we are. And then there's genetics. The idea that we can all be whatever we want to be, if only we try hard enough, seems dumb. Because you can't play professional basketball if you're 5' tall and you can't choose not to be depressed. We never had the choice but to be who we are because there couldn't be a 'me' to choose otherwise. All of which probably sounds depressing. A better person than me might say that this is a good thing. We're all in the same boat, which is drifting down the river to God knows where, and none of us wanted to get on the damn boat to start with. And we're all imperfect and flawed but we're trying to do our best. Some people have said that it's necessary to belive in free will in order to preserve our sanity - our brains can't handle the idea that we're following a road that we never chose. Maybe. But it seems like an undeniable truth that we didn't make ourselves, and that leads to empathy and sympathy for others, I think, sometimes, when I'm in a good mood.
  4. I might not be the best person to answer this but I don't think you said anything offensive. Why does God let these things happen? That's surely something any believer should ask themselves. Not attacking religion but you can't really think badly of anyone who asks this. If I didn't like you already I'd like you for using the word 'discombobulated'. I was wondering if combobulate is a word and apparently it is. A google search gave me a definition from a dictionary site of "To get your shit together." I must try to be more combobulated. Buddhism is interesting. I'll never believe in reincarnation or any of the more supernatural aspects of some variations of Buddhism but it has much to say even without these things. I like the books of Stephen Batchelor, who calls himself a Buddhist atheist. I don't know if I believe in free will but then it's probably an erroneous concept, and thinking that it doesn't exist might be correct but doesn't acknowlege what does exist. I'm not entirely sure what the hell I'm talking about either.
  5. Im going to force myself to turn a corner

    Sounds good. Hope it works out for you.
  6. casual jokes about your MI

    Let what be my fucking umbrella? Don't know if you wrote those but I remember reading "Today's forecast: bright and sunny except for one dark, festering, soggy black cloud permanently stalled out over you." and so on, and thinking that this seems like a good place. Humour is the best defence.
  7. Funny Things to Buy or just look at

    Another christmas present sorted. I was in Barcelona a while back and I had to pick up a cagener, which I think is Spanish for shitter or something. Anyway I got a shitting Trump which sits proudly on my shelf scaring off Mexicans.
  8. I think I'd actually enjoy going camping. I was never a Boy Scout so I never went camping and would probably get lost in the woods for several years surviving on psychedelic mushrooms and talking to the mole people. Sounds like fun! Maybe it is a matter of compatibility but I still think that some people seem completely oblivious to how boring they are. It might be good to hear about someone's camping trip and see pictures they've taken. But uncle Arthur presenting a two hour slide show in his too short shorts, oblivious to the torture that he's inflicting, is not fun. "This is us packing our equipment in the car. This is us arriving at the camping site. This is us parking at the camping site. This is us unpacking our equipment from the car. This is us setting up the tent. This is us high on acid sacrificing a badger to the god Herblederrpfart. This is us snorting cocaine at the orgy." God he's so boring!
  9. I remember reading a very good article about what depression feels like which used the phrase "There is a heavy, leaden feeling in your chest, rather as when someone you love dearly has died; but no one has – except, perhaps, you." Very well written and it's here if you want to read it in full. Depression can feel different at different times - sometimes it's a sad song by Elliot Smith and other times it's a loud and shouty song by Nine Inch Nails. I guess the main thing is always the lack of joy and the lack of hope. Nothing is ever going to get better and I don't deserve to be happy. Oh yeah, self loathing too. I really can't imagine me living happily ever after, it just doesn't seem realistic. And if nothing is ever going to get better then inevitably I think of suicide. In my slightly more upbeat moments I'm still not exactly filled with positive thoughts, but I think that I don't know what the future might bring and maybe I'm being too negative. Optimists see the world too positively and I see it too negatively, and neither of us are right. But when I'm depressed this all seems like a load of crap. I am worthless, my life is pointless, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love, and I should just accept these truths and put myself out of my misery. A lot of people find that depression hits them hardest in the mornings. It's always been the opposite with me. It's when the lights go out and I'm stuck with just my thoughts.
  10. random thoughts!

    Drunk, tired and bored. I thought I'd try watching some online porn in an attempt to enliven myself. Sort of worked. Those are some nice wardrobes but you've painted the rest of the room a sort of aqua colour? You've got some nice antique looking wardrobes there with a dark finish but I can't condone your colour scheme for the room. That shade of blue just clashes with the wardrobes. No, get your tits out of the way. Maybe an off white colour? Something like Ivory. She had some really nice wardrobes though.
  11. people don't take my dx seriously

    Personality disorders are usually some typical trait taken to an extreme degree. People will say "I wish I was more...", but not like this. "I'll trade you" is not a great thing to hear and it completely misunderstands how it is for you. You have OCD too, which I understand is common with OCPD, so you've probably also heard people say something like "I'm a little bit OCD, I put my DVDs in alphabetical order." Oh shut up! Not quite the same thing. My special PD super power (still awaiting an official diagnosis) is being alone. Being a light house keeper on a deserted rock really appeals to me. And sometimes I hear people talking about how great it is to be alone and have some "Me time" by themselves. It probably is good when it's a choice. It's also destructive when you can't do anything else. I hopefully still have a friend who has OCPD, though I haven't heard from her in a while (Come back Em! I miss you.)
  12. What are you listening to right now?

  13. Not living, just existing. I'm sure many of us have felt the same way. There's comfort in the familiar even if it is damaging, and it can be hard to venture into the new and unfamiliar even if you know that you need to change. It is all in your head but it's not 'just' in your head. Everyone's reality is in their head, and in some people's reality saying that it's just in your head is helpful. Fucking isn't. But mental illness is difficult to understand for those who haven't experienced it themselves. Their intentions might be good even if their words are bullshit. Why don't you try to cheer up! Yeah that's fucking genius! I'm cured!
  14. I'm looking for coldmassiveblue

    Could use a bit more info to go on. Is he circumcised?