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  1. I see. I did do regular therapy for about three years, and it sure helped me figure out the "why"s...but never the pragmatic approach to getting better. I think you are right, and I think DBT is probably what I need. I think maybe I just have to re-work up to it again...
  2. If that means "therapist", then no, just my psychopharmacologist. I probably should get a therapist again...do you suspect it is something different than what I think?
  3. I actually just started medication again after a long time of not being on it. I'm on Xanax 0.5mg, twice a day and then as needed for breakthrough anxiety. Then I just started Vyvanse 40mg for ADHD. Both of those I know work at least to some extent from the past. Then I started Vraylar, which is not something I've taken before -- actually, I've never taken anything from that class at all before. But this was all barely a week ago, so I don't think it's the Vraylar at least. I've been speculating my anxiety is part of my brain repressing emotions, and since I started the Xanax I've been a lot more emotional. But it feels like a good emotional, as in, I'm crying a lot and getting out a lot of stuff that I think I should have been getting out all along. So I suppose it could be a side-effect, but that would be unfortunate since it's a side-effect that seems like it's actually me being on the right track.
  4. I have come to the conclusion over many years, that my anxiety (which is getting exponentially worse) is actually my body's way of coping by repressing all the feelings I should be feeling. I finally got back to my doctor and started taking Xanax, and almost immediately I am now crying all the time at all sorts of things. Not things that don't make sense -- things that should make me cry -- but I'm crying a real, true cry, unlike the "I want to cry but can't" that I've been experiencing for so long. I get the impression this has confirmed my theory, that the anxiety is pretty intense, and is my body's way of "keeping me safe". I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this, or if those who are more learned than myself have read about this sort of thing. Is this common: your body effectively overriding all of its issues with anxiety; repressing trauma by way of constant anxiousness? If so, what was your experience like? What did you find beneath all that anxiety? In my case, I am fairly confident these are not side effects, since I have taken Xanax with no issues in the past few years. Basically my doctor and I speculated that it was a Bipolar/ADHD cocktail underneath all that anxiety, and now that I'm on anxiety meds I believe it. Almost like constant mixed states, mania diluted heavily with anxiety. Like the anxiety was my body's weapon to stave off the bipolar...interesting stuff...so I would really love to hear your stories or thoughts.
  5. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job describing this, but...there is an obvious disconnect, and it's clear to me that my anxiety and other issues are, more or less, a huge coping mechanism designed to help me block & suppress the not-insignificant amount of trauma I have experienced throughout my life. While I am working through psychiatry and therapy, are there any books that you have read, that are written from a professional and pragmatic viewpoint (but still hopefully with some empathy), that can help one learn what it means to feel and to get in touch with what it means to be connected to your body? I am also aware DBT is very good for this, but I'm still working on accountability issues with that. So alternatively, a strategy to force myself into DBT and keep me there would probably help too. Lol. But mostly just looking for a book for now. Thank you very much for your time.
  6. Thank you all for the good advice. I went ahead and called my previous psychiatrists and tried to get lists of my meds. I only managed to talk to 1 out of 3, and it was a terrible experience. I honestly got the impression from the call that she may not even be a real doctor, or is otherwise trying to cover something up, because she started acting super sketchy as soon as I asked if I could get a history of some sort. She said "call me next week" (which is too late anyway for my first visit), and then she immediately hung up without saying bye...but anyway... #2 just rang forever, no machine, and #3 I left a message. Out of desperation I also called my old therapist to see if maybe he just happened to note any of this stuff down, since he was usually pretty reliable so I guess there's a chance. I am not taking anything currently, so that part is easy at least.
  7. Sorry for the vague thread title, but it's so hard to find accurate information on what, specifically, having depersonalization, derealization, or dissociation actually feels like to the person. A lot of times, I think I feel disconnected from my body. However, I don't feel any of the things I see listed online. It feels like I am just my brain in my head, and not that I am also my body, if you get what I mean. Like...I get that this arm is mine, in that it's a part of my body...but when I look at it, it's just an arm -- it's not MY arm. Does this make any sense? I feel like people look at their body as an extension of their self, but to me they are two separate things. And if so, is this one of the things discussed on this board, or is just some weird unrelated thing? The problem is, if I start talking about it or noticing it (like right now) I start to panic, so now I'm going to stop talking about it because I can literally feel myself slowly sinking into freaking the shit out.
  8. Oh, I remember Lamictal. I did get the rash! Lol, so there's one. I get what you guys are saying...thanks for the advice, I guess I will start doing that. I feel like a fucking idiot. I'm normally so smart and prepared in other areas. I guess it's possible I am sabotaging myself on purpose, although I wasn't aware it was in this way. Also, that thread was really useful, mostly because somewhere in there someone (not sure if it was you) mentioned I might be able to call my old doctors and get a record. Maybe I could try that, I still have two days.
  9. I have to ask...is writing down my medications and stuff something I was supposed to be doing this whole time? Cause they always ask...and I honestly don't know. I think part of my thing is I have some really bad issues with memory. I guess I was just stupid for never writing them down, but I guess that's what most people do? I mean like, if she says the name of a medication I might remember it, but I don't remember why I stopped taking each one other than they were all shit...lol I don't know why to me, it just seems really weird that people keep track of that. I have no idea why...maybe people just have really good memories and can remember all that? Do you keep a notebook logged over all the years or something? I guess it probably would be a good idea to start doing that...
  10. I have another thread posted if you would like a detailed review of my history, but in short, I've been to a shit ton of psychiatrists, and one major therapist (+ DBT for a brief period of time which I had accountability issues with on my part). I am very jaded by being put on every medication in the world, nothing helping, and therapy teaching me all about why all my problems exist, but never getting me in touch with them or helping me cope. Still, nobody has any idea what's really wrong with me, but there is clearly something very wrong that has gone from "kind of interfering with my life" to "at least somewhat likely to become fatal" in a few years' time. So, I ask you, as I am about to get gutted for 260 more dollars -- do you, who have been through the psychiatric & therapy mill and have at least been mostly successful (enough to say you enjoy living more than 30% of the time), have any advice for me? I am going to ask a bunch of random questions now, but this is just to get your brain going and you don't need to answer them all specifically if you feel they are not relevant. I think I have a lot of problems communicating, so I thought I'd ask some other people who might be better at communicating their feelings above the emotional competency of a 3-year-old. I'm just trying to get a discussion going, and since I don't know what to do the answer is probably not going to be in this list of questions. ANYWAY... Do you give symptoms as they are right now? Do you give a whole history of your life? Do you specifically just list out traumas? Do you tell them about your past history with other doctors and diagnoses? Is there anything I can write, plan, or bring in advance that would really help find me a diagnosis, or more importantly the result of that, a treatment plan that works? For example, I've been tracking my moods for 2 months, and I've also written several essays (one was at the time I made the appointment, when I was very depressed, to try and capture exactly how I was feeling at the time). If you have thought about your diagnosis, does it help to tell them what you believe your diagnosis is, or does that anchor them? I have been heavy into psychology literature for a few years now, so while I'm certainly no doctor I'd like to think I'm a little more versed and my opinion might matter since I can address my symptoms methodically. The other problem is, I feel like I have different problems all the time. Like I'm anxious when I'm in public. I get depressed when I'm alone. But also, I have huge ups, and relationships where I'm practically manic. Almost like I have constantly shifting mental issues, like whatever state I'm in is always its own breed of crazy. So it's hard to even pinpoint when something works or doesn't work, because my moods shift so often anyway...I guess I'm rambling now but you see why this is so much trouble...In order to list all this out, I would basically write a whole essay, and my whole hour session would be spent reading it, which is really stupid and feels like a huge waste of money, when I bet there's a way to tell her all the same information in a much shorter period of time. If it helps you to help me, this doctor is a (very expensive, and I believe relatively talented) psychopharmacologist. She is better than pretty much any therapist I've known, so that's why this is under therapy and not a board related to medication. I have seen her once before, and she had some good ideas, but I abandoned the whole thing because again, accountability issues. She is the only doctor, psychiatrists and therapists alike, who I've met so far who I feel might actually be competent enough to help me, so I want to give it all I've got and put her surely very intelligent brain to use. Thank you very much if you've read this whole thing, and thank you in advance for any advice you might have.
  11. Thank you. Your conclusions are likely the same as mine. Today at work someone essentially called me "half a person" and I lost it. Then later on someone did something selfish and I couldn't take it. I don't understand how I did not get in trouble because I just started yelling for 5 or 10 minutes about stupid lazy selfish fucks ruining the fucking world and how every idiot should be culled and so on. I think this darkness is finally starting to crawl into my work life, which is the only thing I have left to hold on to. At this point I do consider that I have no friends, family, or support. I deleted my account but apparently it's still here. I do that a lot. Freak out and delete my accounts. I tried making an account on another site to try talking to people, but I just ended up panicking and going basically psychotic and had to end it. People are stupid and selfish and it frustrates me. Nobody ever shows that they have even a modicum of selflessness. The world literally encourages being selfish and "all about yourself". This world is so cold. I have essentially determined that I probably have C-PTSD And bipolar. DBT seemed to be working for me but I freaked out and left. I didn't like that I had to record how much I smoked, ordered out, etc. because all it did was make me feel bad, nothing helped to actually stop it. And $200+ dollars per single session and $100+ per group, per week, is absurd (no DBT ever seems to be covered by insurance, and doctors don't give a fuck about you so they don't care since insurance hurts their poor widdle wallets, and then how would they go on vacations on their fucking yachts every 3 months?? :'( ). Plus to be honest I'm pretty certain at this point I am worth nothing to the world, I will never have or sustain a friend or a romantic relationship ever again nor do I have the capacity to trust. So why bother. Might as well just waste away and rot you know? I tried an outpatient program before and it was really fucking stupid. They were trying to teach me about "ruminating" and shit as if I have a choice, as if I have the mental capacity to actually stop such a thing. I am the most strong-willed person I know, and I also know when something is simply not possible, and I've tried for a long time and it's just not happening. And I had to sit in a room and listen to some dumb fuck talk in a patronizing baby-speak tone about how we "have to stop ruminating on our issues!!!" Like no fucking shit. How about you teach us HOW to do that? No compassion or empathy. And inpatient/hospitalization just seems to me like basically prison, so I have no desire to do such a thing. What are they going to do to actually help me? What is the pragmatism offered by such a thing that will actually improve my life? I could just heat up the vape and go to town and I will feel much better than any inpatient program could make me feel, PLUS it won't fuck up my job. Whereas if I do inpatient now I have to look unreliable and explain to my boss that I'm a clusterfuck and I'm on track to be promoted to a supervisory position so I don't want to fuck that up. My success (which ultimately I don't care about because money means nothing to me anyway, but whatever) is all I have. So I'm just clinging to it at this point so I can feel "successful". I made an appointment with the only good psychopharmacologist I've ever known. Absurdly expensive and not covered by my insurance of course, but whatever at this point. Of course I have to wait two fucking months to get in. What a crock of shit. That's so fucking stupid, seriously. Imagine if you had a cold and had to wait 2 months to get in to the GP. By the time you get in, whatever problems you were having right then and there are not even things I can remember anymore. My brain basically just blacks out my life as soon as it happens. I started taking notes every day and using this mood tracker but there's only so much you can do in one session. Also the moods are all the fuck over the place which makes no sense. But I think you're right. I think I have a baseline that's "up" or "down" like Bipolar II, which is what I was originally diagnosed with. But then there are definitely huge triggers that make me want to end it immediately. I totally lose it when certain things happen. I never know when. It just happens. And then I go fucking ballistic. It's never been this bad. Relationships are utterly impossible for me to form or hold. I do not own a TV, use social media, or do anything at all that could expose me to stupidity, because as soon as I see someone acting dumb and uninformed I just want to fucking end myself, because people like this exist, and are making my life shittier in minute ways just by being there. It's like having a kid and you raise them as best as you can, and then some drunk driver hits them and kills them. You tried your hardest, you were a great person, you did a good job, and yet still you are punished and ultimately fail. Why bother existing on a planet where such stupid fucking people exist? It is all objectively guaranteed to go to shit cosmically. Like the Roman empire and everything before it. It's just how the world works. People say it's the experience of living we should be after. This experience fucking sucks. I haven't been cutting anymore mostly, except for a couple times a few weeks ago, but my new thought is buying a pane of glass and just punching through it. I can only assume I just want attention, but not negative attention, so I wouldn't punch out a window in my apartment or my balcony doors or my car door. I'd buy something, and then break that, so I can keep it totally to myself. Then I'd get all stitched up, and maybe someone would at least be forced to pretend to give a shit about me because it's their job. I don't think I'll do it, probably. But that new thought has been prevalent in my head lately. And then I don't have to die, either, so I don't have to worry about the fact that I'm a giant gaping vagina who can't bring himself to do it. Win win. I don't sound appreciative from this post but I am very appreciative of your responses. I feel like people might understand here. It just still ultimately feels like a waste of time. It's simply an objective fact that I am better off dead, I just don't have the balls to do it yet. The problem is that I cannot make other people happy. Even if I become "happy" or "satisfied" with my existence, the amount of people I have hurt is countless, and I will continue to hurt those around me, almost entirely against even my own will. I feel that ridding the world of me would be doing them a favor. I will most certainly be burning in hell regardless for all the pain I have caused, so I might as well just get to it. Coupled with the fact that the world is such a shithole, what reason is there not to end it? You know?
  12. I wish I could. But unless I start driving 30+ minutes just to see a doctor, there is no one around here who is actually compassionate AND takes my insurance. It sucks when you have some of the best insurance possible and these greedy fucks don't take it. And they claim they want to HELP people? Yeah, okay. I'll believe that never. I will say that the original post is basically a typical "freak out" for me. I guess I just got sick of having nobody to talk to so I came on here to do it instead. I came back to this tab later and almost deleted it, because it seems stupid that I'd write such a thing. But this is what happens...constantly. And doctors don't listen. You know? I can't find a doctor where like, I can write something like this, bring it in and read it. They ask you lists of questions (if psychiatrist) or repeat the same five things (therapists). And it's like, if you'd just let me SHOW you something I wrote, or made, or whatever, when I was in that mood, maybe you would get what is going on. But they don't seem to listen, like that information is useless to them. Then they ask me random questions, like if I'm "paranoid", and I have to ask them to define the word "paranoid" clinically so I make sure I get it right, and they look at me like I'm an idiot or something. I try to explain that the societal definition is different than the clinical one, so I want to make sure I get it right, and they look at me like I have two heads. It's so stupid. Where is the compassion? And you get all that for the low low price of $275 a session, and if you're real lucky you might get reimbursed in three months! I don't know. Sometimes I read this shit and I think I have a mental illness. Sometimes I think I'm just smart and the world is fucking nuts. The fact that I don't want to be this way, can't stop being this way, and it's progressively getting worse, tells me this is a mental illness and not just "being smart".
  13. If you are triggered by like...anything, you probably shouldn't read this post. Because it has like every major triggering thing in the world in it. This is probably going to be a long post, because everything I write is long. I just want to say that I'm not "looking for a diagnosis" in that I am not looking for anything official and I certainly won't take anything some forum poster says as gospel. But I would say that I am looking for discussion as to what the fuck you think is wrong with me. Because at this point I've pretty much given up all hope. To preface, I am a 27 year old male. When I was younger I was neglected and at least verbally abused by my father. He would scream at me, a deafening scream. He would "spank" me but it was way harder than it should have been, and of course there was the belt too, which he threatened but I'm not sure he used. I did not specify "physical abuse" because people often argue what does or does not constitute physical abuse. To this day, I think that I was molested as a child, but I have no idea whether I actually was or not. I also do not know where that thought comes from. I cannot remember the vast majority of my life since before I was 12. My father was extremely neglectful. He was the type of parent that seemed to think "Taking care of" his child just equates to buying him things. Even then, on holidays, I would get gifts but he would have to take them out of the package and use them first. My mother was the exact opposite: she was extremely coddling and was by far the mercy...actually she was a total pushover. They worked alternating schedules, so I was with both of them equally. They divorced when I was 16 or so because my dad cheated on her. They had joint custody, but conditions with my father and the new family were so intolerable that one day I simply walked out and went to live with my mother permanently. Since I was 5, I have been obsessed with death. I frequently used the line "I am going to kill myself". Very frequently. For whatever. I just always wanted someone to know I was going to kill myself. I also vaguely recall screaming and throwing a fit in the car to my mother when I was very young, because I was afraid she was going to die. I don't know where such a young kid got any of this from. So let's jump to the past few years. My life has never been great. I've always hated myself. I've always felt like I must be kind of depressed. I have been addicted to several substances. I constantly feel like everyone is out to get me, but it's not in the "aliens are abducting me" way...more that just throughout my life, pretty much every single person and every single situation has fucked me so hard, so thoroughly, and so consistently, that it is an undisputable fact to me that it will happen again, and again, and again, every single time. When I was 19 or so, I was raped by a woman. People say that can't happen to men, but well, it can, because I didn't want to have sex with her, but she drugged me and did it anyway, and that sounds like fucking rape to me. Over the past 3 years, I have tried several different therapists and several different psychiatrists, even some of the bullshit greedy mother fuckers who charge $200+ a visit (supposedly some of the "best in the state"). In this time, I have been through over 20 different medications, and have been diagnosed with at least (but not limited to) ADHD, major depressive disorder, "extreme" major depressive disorder (she wanted to prescribe fucking Ketamine?), Bipolar I, Bipolar II, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, and C-PTSD. Something tells me I do not actually have all of those, and with the reliability I've come to expect from the American medical system, something tells me I don't have any of those. No medication I have ever been put on for any of them has ever seemed to do anything except make me gain weight, hate myself more, cause permanent debilitating mental issues, and other miscellaneous shitty unwanted bullshit. I am constantly miserable. I smoke pot whenever I am not working. Work is the only thing I have ever been able to steadily maintain in my life. I am very good at work, I assume from being forced to overachieve my entire childhood (which I was never congratulated or even rewarded for). Work is, to be precise, the only part of my life that is not a problem. For the rest of my life, smoking is like an instant relief. All of my problems wash away. I can have fun. I can talk to people! I can even kind of enjoy some things. It is the only "medication" that has ever in any way helped me. I have no love for my mother. I feel absolutely nothing for her. I don't know why. I don't hate her, I just feel nothing for her. I assume there is a basic feeling of "love" you are supposed to feel for a parent. I outright hate my father and we have not spoken in years. Over the past year, I have also gone out of my way to totally destroy every single personal relationship I have ever had. I used to be a hit with girls around my age but since the time I started therapy a few years back I've been totally single. I've been addicted to a number of substances and I've taken LSD three times because I was sick of the American medical system and read that it worked in some clinical trials. Well that didn't do much and now I'm pretty much right back to where I started. I am constantly either ridiculously depressed, to the point where I can and have cut myself, although that's mostly under control now. From my childhood there are countless scars on my ankle, I just always cut there. I get a feeling in my gut that "something bad" is going to happen and it always does. I have no friends whatsoever and absolutely nobody I can talk to since I don't trust my mother, so for the past few weeks since getting rid of y last few friends, I have just been sitting in my apartment, alone, jerking off, smoking, and playing video games. I get no enjoyment out of video games for the most part. Weed is the only thing that makes me have even a remote desire to stay on this planet. I frequently feel like things are "weird" or "unreal". I don't know how to explain that but any definition I've heard of depersonalization, derealization, or dissociation does not fit what I experience. I look at humans and they look like...weird. I mean I know it's a human. I know I'm here and on this planet. But humans are just...weird. We look like aliens or something. It's just weird to me that people look at this and see a person and not some weird freakish monstrosity. That's mostly what people look like to me. I am starting to have a hard time watching porn because I watch it and I'm just like..."This is wrong, sex is wrong, people are weird, this is disgusting". Coming from someone who used to be a player this is very strange. Then there are the outbursts. I am starting to think I might put myself in danger, because I am totally weak, I have a dad bod, no formal training whatever, no combat experience, not even martial arts or anything, but I keep picking fights. Guy on the road is an asshole, I goad him, flip him off, speed up to drive alongside him. I scream. Loudly. Like my dad used to. Nobody is around to hear it since I have no friends, but I do. Usually on the road. This is new. I used to throw controllers or whatever when I was young but I thought I grew up and got over that. Now it's back and worse than before. I get very mad, especially about injustice. If someone is trying to speed 50 in a 25mph zone for example, or they park like an asshole, I will flip the fuck out for just a few seconds but then that feeling will linger with me all day. Sometimes multiple days. I hate injustice. I hate people who are stupid, and people who are assholes. Usually they go well together. I also hate being patronized. It makes me "dissociate", says one of the many doctors I've been to. I think I am constantly not a part of reality so I'm not sure what dissociation matters. Sometimes I just sleep all day and all night. I literally just come home from work and sleep until it's time to go to work again. I frequently do not eat, and when I do, I go way the fuck overboard, so I'm overweight, which makes me feel even shitier. I pretty much never leave my house other than to go to work. I have lost all hope at this point, and actually I have set plans to kill myself when I turn 30 if my mother is no longer alive. I am only waiting because she seems to care about me, although in my mind I can't believe that's not fake too. It's a shame, because I was always considered a very bright young boy and I have a very useful skillset, which helps me at my job but that's about it. People say oh, you need help, go see someone. But the fact is, I don't know if I'm too smart or what, but these doctors are fucking stupid. They don't understand what I'm trying to explain to them. When I try to explain a feeling, they don't get it. Actually, I would say this is a greater issue, because seriously almost every single person I talk to, ever, totally misinterprets whatever I'm talking about. It's literally like the shit I say or type is not whatever I think I'm saying or typing. It's ridiculously frustrating and it really bothers me because people always think I am mad, arguing something, whatever, when really I'm just responding. And then I try to explain that I'm not mad, and they misinterpret THAT somehow, and now I'm getting fucking pissed just writing this so I'm just going to stop. But having an actual conversation with another human being has at this point become an exercise in futility. And beyond that, I don't own a TV, don't have a Facebook, etc. because I think that shit is poisonous, and I hate small talk and only like talking about things that have meaning, so anyone I do interact with basically thinks I'm an uninteresting idiot. The only thing I really would like to have is a partner who I could spend my life with but at this point I think that's just a pipe dream, because let's be real, who the fuck would want to put up with the real me? For years now I have been posting personal ads, using dating sites, trying to put on a front and look date-able, but I get very few responses because I am ugly and it's probably just obvious that I am crazy. So I decided I'd start posting ads as the honest, true me, and since then I have not gotten a single response. In my mind this just proves that people hate the real me and the real me is not desirable at all. It makes sense. So what the fuck is wrong with me? Self loathing. Self destructive behavior. Can't maintain interpersonal relationships. Hates all people and accepts as fact that they will betray and/or lie to him at the first chance that they get. I see shit out of the corner of my eye constantly...I always think someone is there and moving. Nothing I ever act on. And I know it's not real. Blah blah blah. What the fuck is going on in my life? What the fuck is wrong with me? And why won't anybody help me? I have tried to help myself, many many times, and all that does is make shit worse...surprise...because I am a fuck up, I have always been a fuck up, and I will always continue to be a fuck up. I've always been a super ultra go-getter type, but at this point, I fucking give up. I've put in so much effort for so long and not only is there nothing to show for it, the quality of my life has only gotten worse. Sure it's impressive that I've gotten this far with essentially no parenting, but who gives a shit when the life I do live is such shitty quality? People say oh go outside, get a dog. I don't want to go outside. I hate going outside. I hate going out with groups of people. I don't even want to leave my house to go on a date. But it's not like I'm going to explain that to people. Whatever. My hands hurt. I hate this fucking world and I hate myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? Also, I fully expect this post to be deleted because I fucked something up, so sorry in advance for whatever I did wrong.