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ShameShameShame

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About ShameShameShame

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  1. The worst was being told to ignore my physical concerns as it's only in my head And to agree to a tiny inheritance and massive debt that comes with it because It is possible to pay off debt in the thousands while living on 240/ month. Four years later I have serious health issues and no insurance or treatment, my account is frozen and have nowhere to live but with a partner who makes me so much worse. I think all of that could've been avoided if she admitted the full extent of my concerns was realistic and not just an exaggerated emotional reaction. I especially dislike how people on normal income like to imagine someone who wears shoes with holes in them in minus temperatures and is being constantly threatened with homelessness by debt collectors can just pay it off with 240 barnacles. And have basic living expenses and medical treatment covered. Or when they tell me to reason with a delusional partner who happens to have no empathy whatsoever. Or that I need to either accept his behavior or leave, without telling me where to leave to. Told me to rent a place. What part of I have zero money did she not understand? To shower at the local pool. If I could afford a pool pass, I wouldn't have been worried about that. They're acting like we don't want to get help when we answer their idiotic "oh that one's easy! Just BUY xyz!" by pointing to our bank balance, court and eviction notices. Riiiiight, just buy things, why didn't I think of just paying for a place, paying to have multiple abscessed teeth treated, or my DVT, or just paying the debt off and none of this would have been an issue! Why didn't I see there's a solution to all of this which is simply paying for stuff with imaginary money!! Duuh!! Why don't I just agree with my idiot partner that it's of more importance that he'd not have to spend the evening on the couch alone than it is for me to be with my dying mother on the night she is leaving this world, why don't I just accept him saying i'm worthless (actually he said retarded) for having no more money to pay for his endless list of wants, and why don't I just pay dozens of thousands to prevent a clot from killing me?! Oh they know why, because it's just "emotional distress" that's why. When I can't pee for a week due to obvious obstruction protruding through my stomach it's also just in my head and thus my kidneys will not die. Heh. I like my clots these days. Because they're a promise I won't have to endure life for much longer. All of this is so EASY, we obviously like being depressed and declining these OBVIOUS solutions! I'm not a vengeful person, I don't think. But I wish such professionals had to live like they expected their clients to live. And that they weren't given the mercy of a clot that's going to eventually end their misery. What trumps it, they make us go from ill to suicidal. Why are they not behind bars.
  2. Pics of Your Pets

    They're all so flippin adorable!! Please everyone give them lots of cuddles for me! BonBon is introducing me to the woes of canine adolescence by marking my kitchen. Preferably just after I've cleaned and disinfected (" ugh, I worked so hard getting my smell on this and she just wiped every trace of it off. Sigh. Gotta do it all over again"). I'm trying the lavender trick now and amping up the training. I do fully expect him to revenge pi$$ on me in my sleep tonight (I hear it's a thing. Yippie.) for having cleaned like half a dozen messes in two days. Wish me luck. But he is soooooo precious and smart and funny and cute and interesting and I adore this little fountain of pi$$. Nom nom
  3. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Someone calling the wrong number from several states away woke me up. Which is great because I've been in this seriously annoying zone of sleeping until an hour before work and rushing to get groceries and walk the dog before heading out. Need to go get veggies because I've been comfort eating sweets and junk thinking cholesterol would take longer to ruin me than stress. Yesterday was a tough day at work, I think today will be too but then I get tomorrow off. I don't want to stop hugging my warm, soft, magical dog.
  4. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Feel like I have rocks inside my head and eyes. Let's all sleep for a year.
  5. As far as hashimotos showing up on panels, I may not have it right, but perhaps unspecific inflammation markers like the ANA test, or sedimentation rates or hs-CRP could point to it? I'm not sure if hashimotos necessarily causes overall inflammation, but if it does those markers could be elevated and some, like sedimentation, are done routinely, perhaps the last time you've had blood drawn for whatever reason. They're unspecific of course so they wouldn't tell *where* your inflammation is and whether it's really from your thyroid. Otherwise I only know of tests for thyroid antibodies, I guess an endo would check for that. I really hope it's not more complicated or a pituarity tumor. Thyroid issues sound unpleasant enough!
  6. What was your happy moment today?

    A moment of calm watching findig nemo just now. Feel like a kid on a Saturday morning.
  7. Have you ever had imagining to check for thyroid nodules? A simple ultrasound may suffice, like Cheese said. Just a thought. All in all, I think it's best to rely on an endo, if there isn't one near, I would ask whether there's a nuclear medicine lab near instead, they do thyroid tests where I live. You'd still need an endo after, but at least you'd have test results that would hopefully speed things up. Good luck and hope you get to the bottom of it soon!
  8. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    This period is draining the life out of me. My shift is almost up, I need to just do well until evening. Eyes closing.
  9. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    So drained.
  10. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Awe she is a cutie pie! Are you also looking forward to how closely she is going to snuggle up as the weather gets colder? I can't wait for the puppy blanket haha. I wonder if they know how magical they are and how literally life saving. I'm so glad you're feeling better! It's a revelation, realizing how badly we needed a med that works, and that we can get better. I'm just starting to accept I'm not a bad person, but actually have something chemical going on that makes it harder to improve with effort alone. Definitely became lazy here too. Also sleep like a bear. It's hard finding a reason to care about life, beyond the puppy. But it could be worse.
  11. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    I woke up late and feeling very negative. Then had to take the puppy for his walk and the smell of rain hit me, I love rain so the turnaround started there. Then had to carry the puppy to the park because he's scared of traffic noises and caught myself rocking him playfully in my arms, rhyming puffy and fluffy and other sacharrine variations on the theme into a silly puppy song. And just instantly felt okay again. I don't know what kind of magic makes him always smell so good. We were both soaked and he has zero wet dog smell. He smells like a warm bagel, always. Even though I've been feeling better lately, i'm still lethargic and inactive. It's worse when I'm neglecting my diet, but overall, I have no desire in life, nothing to drive me. I'm just waiting until my time is up and I can leave I guess. It's been decades of that attitude. Not sure if that's even something I can change ever.
  12. Your Cleaning Goals!

    Well I bought generic magic erasers. Useless. The plus side is I've used quite some elbow grease and actually cleaned a few things nevertheless for a change. I'm not even sure the brand ones would work better. I'm fairly certain all that Cleans Like Magic stuff is meant for "basically clean people" dirt. Decades Of Depression Dirt is just on the We Should Move level.
  13. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Thank you, and I agree on the underpants! Brain fog sucks so bad. I don't have it often these days, but my memory and attention problems are scary.
  14. Oversensitivity

    I don't think my "grandiosity" is typical either. In hypomania, I do pride myself on some things, but it is realistic. I become proud of keeping a job and doing very well at it, of the fact I have endured a very long and very hard situation and tried really hard, that I keep a workout routine and do well physically and so forth. My hypomania is a desperate defense against complete destruction, helplessness, and, humiliation. So then I tend to stand up for myself excessively, argue slights that are sometimes real but don't necessarily deserve the reaction I give them, or would be better handled more elegantly. Sometimes I get very violent mental images of smashing my past abusers or people I perceive as menacing at the time like watermelons. It bothers me if it goes on (usually when I feel pumped from working out) as I am a very benevolent person otherwise and don't like to entertain violent ideas. The hyperactivity and prolonged wakefulness of the upslope I also find to be a defense- when we try to do what we neglected during depression all at once, and to regain control (and ironically losing it in the process). The racing thoughts to me are a reflection of the overwhelm with "everything that needs doing now" to make up for the failures of the deep depression. In depression, this sensitivity to being wronged , in me at least manifests as a resigned low self-esteem, a private complaint, endless unspoken pathetic moan about poor me that I can't shake off by sheer will. I think it makes sense that we are so irritable, or sensitive. To slow wakers, slow talkers, slow thinkers and speakers or crude, harsh, meddlesome people and everyone and everything that bears resemblance to what originally contributed to our pshychological constitution as BP.
  15. Oversensitivity

    I *think* I have bipolar II, and i am the same. like some people have mentioned, it happenes in hypomania too except because I'm more confident then I get more defiant and despise them, unlike in depression when I despise myself. I react less often nowadays. And meds do help me. I too think it's linked not only to parental overcritical behavior but also our early hypervigilance and attunement to the moods of others that served to help us avoid their wrath.
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