thunder

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About thunder

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  1. Like the others have said, just having suicidal thoughts is not enough to make them hospitalize you. They'll only do it if they decide that it is necessary to keep you safe. The fact that you are concerned about missing your family vacation if hospitalized sound like you definitely want to be alive for now, for the vacation. So really the only reason to hospitalize you would be if you clearly expressed that you do not think you can safely make it through until the vacation.
  2. My pdoc has told me that I can occasionally use my ativan to help with sleep, and it definitely helps, although I only do it once every week or less. If I needed it frequently, she said she'd want to consider other options, but a couple times a week was fine with her.
  3. Thanks everyone. It is useful to remember that our moods can control how we see the options available to us. Pdoc increased my lamotrigine, which the last time we bumped it up really helped with the anxious-depression stuff, so hopeful another nudge will help. I also missed therapy last week because I had a job interview, and stupidly told my therapist that I would be fine just waiting until this week rather than trying to find a different time. Didn't get that job though. So I think that has just let the stress build up. Anyway, I see him tomorrow, so that usually helps me find a different perspective that at least partially alleviated the stress and hopelessness feelings.
  4. I've been struggling with the depression and anxiety for the past few months. We're working on making some medication changes, but I also have a lot of personal stress. Right now my job is on a yearly contract, and I am trying to move to the city a few hours away from where I live now. I'm really trying to get something lined up in my desired location before my contract ends. I have some savings, but not enough to cover moving without a solid job lined up. I've applied to dozens of jobs and had a few interviews, but nothing beyond that. One persistent thought I have when things get bad is that death would be so much easier than going through all the pain and effort to try to change the things I want to change in my life. My therapist always reminds me that it's worth trying everything you can first before you go down that road, even if it's hard. I feel like I'm getting close to having tried everything that I can. I mean, there are other meds to try, but they won't fix the fact that I live somewhere where there really aren't a lot of social opportunities for single adults - and I'm not even talking about dating, just activity and athletic groups and things to find friends. Meds won't change the fact that I can't find a job that pays enough to afford an apartment where I want to live despite having good references and experience. Meds won't change the fact that my parents were very emotionally distant and so I have only a superficial relationship with them, and that I moved for work several times so don't have other strong social/community ties.
  5. I often forget to take my phone off vibrate when I get home from work, and will not always have it in the same room as me. So if you text, there are no guarantees that I'll see it until I'm getting ready to sleep, since I use my phone as an alarm. Even knowing this, I do get anxious when someone doesn't return my texts, and I'll wonder if I've done something wrong - but it's important to recognize that's just anxiety not reality. But not responding to your apology text does sound like it's either him being a jerk or like texting really isn't the way to get in touch with him. Maybe if you speak to him in person at the support group, ask what the best way to get in touch with him is?
  6. I was in a serious depressive episode when I started Lamotrigine. I had left my job because I basically couldn't function, and I was suicidal with a plan that I was basically delaying day-by-day on the promise that I would at least wait to see if a new medication would make a difference. I did 2 weeks at 25 mg, 2 weeks at 50 mg, then went to 100 mg, was there for maybe a month before going to 150 mg briefly on the way up to 200 mg. I noticed some improvement right away, but things were still rough for a while. I would feel actually good for a few days, then really low for a few, then okay etc. until I got to 100 mg. I basically stopped feeling suicidal after a few weeks at 100 mg and wasn't bouncing around as much, but I still wasn't quite good, so we went up further. I don't remember why I didn't stay at 150mg for longer and basically only did it as a step to 200 mg. I'm now on 250 mg, and the last 50 mg increase was in response to increased anxiety when we lowered my antidepressant. So it was a bit rocky for me, but maybe less so than for a lot of people. I attribute a lot of the ups-and-down to the illness itself, and the fact that at lower doses I was getting some effect, but the original symptoms were breaking through. It makes sense also that even once you've hit what will end up being your target dose, that it will take a week or two for things to level out since it's not like meds flip a switch that completely overrides everything else.
  7. I'm guessing you're using aripiprazole as your main mood stabilizer, so this may be of limited help, but raising my lamotrigine dose seemed to really cut my anxiety. Mood-wise I was pretty good at 200 mg, but had some lingering anxiety after we dropped my sertraline down to 75 mg, because with more than that I was cycling hypo. Bumping the lamotrigine to 250 mg made a good dent in the anxiety - actually more so I think that the sertraline was doing in the first place. This is likely not useful if you don't already have lamotrigine on board as a mood stabilizer, since I can't imagine it would be worth adding for that, but if you do already take it, raising it might be worth considering.
  8. I've been struggling with this lately. As a teenager, even though I only made one really half-hearted attempt, I felt sure that suicide would be how I would eventually die. Not that I was actively planning it at any given time, it just seemed inevitable. This went away for the most part once I found medications that worked enough to give me decent lengths of stability, but I still have intrusive suicidal thoughts whenever I am anxious or stressed. It's like @theforest said, it's almost comforting to feel like I have an out in case things get too bad. But it's also scary to think that I still consider it to be a reasonable option. I guess I still need to work on just noticing and letting these thoughts go.
  9. I live alone, and I love it. I haven't had a relationship where I got to the point of moving in with someone, and as soon as I was reliably earning enough money to afford an apartment by myself I ditched the roommates thing. As far as cooking, I make things that I can eat as leftovers. In the winter, things like soups and stews reheat well, and things like stirfry aren't bad reheated. In the summer I don't feel like cooking as much, but will make things like homemade pasta salad with lots of cut up vegetables and keep this in my fridge for several days. Or get fixings for sandwiches and wraps and mix them up in different combinations (although it sounds like you may be gluten free, so this might not be the best). I often fall asleep to music or put on television shows that I've seen before just to have background noise which cuts the introspection. I just make sure it's not something too stimulating. I'm an introvert, so living by myself allows me to come home and recharge, and then go do things with friends without feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, so I'm not much help on the other issues.
  10. Unfortunately, waiting 2-3 months for a new patient appointment with a pdoc is not uncommon. It sucks, and it makes things really hard when you're in crisis, but there are a shortage of pdocs in many areas. What I did when I was in your shows was scheduled the earliest available appointment with the first person I spoke to, and then keep calling and if someone had an earlier appointment schedule that and cancel the old one.It was still over 2 months to see someone, and there were several times during that period where I was inches away from going inpatient. Does your therapist have anyone they recommend? If they have someone they frequently refer to, they may be able to speak with that person and see if that doctor could squeeze you in.
  11. I never have. My friend's doctor makes her have periodic drug screens in order for her to get stimulants for her ADHD, and she has no addiction history.
  12. What is it that scares you about clinics with both pdocs and therapists? In my experience, most pdocs will want you to have some contact with a therapist as meds+therapy is usually considered to be the best treatment option. Also, just because there are associated therapists doesn't automatically mean you're obligated to see them - this will depend on clinic policy. Like I said, the clinic my pdoc is in has therapists, but you are not required to see them in order to see a pdoc. I see a therapist in private practice. When I decided that my old therapist was not a good fit, I took a bit of a break before starting with my current therapist. My pdoc did encourage me to find a therapist, and recommended a few at the clinic that she thought I might like, but I was not required to find one.
  13. I hate birthdays also. I hate the expected force-happiness, for what just marks another day on the calendar. Is there something simple you can do for yourself, like make/get your favorite meal or watch your favorite movie?
  14. My best pdoc (current pdoc) is at a community mental health clinic. I live in a mid-sized city surrounded by rural areas - it's over 2 hours to the next city of comparable size. I ended up with her because she had the first availability, and I needed to find someone sooner rather than later. I like that she has worked with people with the whole gamut of illnesses and levels of functioning. She was the one who finally listened to me and recognized that I was bipolar instead of just having recurrent depression. While getting in when something comes up between scheduled appointments is challenging, she is very responsive by phone, and I never feel rushed during my actual appointments. She collaborates with me to determine how often we should schedule. The clinic does not require that you see a therapist there, although she strongly advises people to have a therapist somewhere that they have an established relationship with. My least favorite was a pdoc in a private practice. I always felt rushed and like I had to prove to her that I needed help or something changed. She generally minimized any concerns and symptoms I was having as long as I was "functioning", where functioning meant doing okay at work.
  15. Do you have a therapist? My therapist helps me tease out when what I'm feeling is a normal emotional response that I can work through and when I've drifted into depression or beyond normal anxiety. He'll sometimes bring it up and suggest that I call my pdoc when he's seeing that things are going beyond what time and coping skills address. The general guidelines I've established with him and my pdoc are that new or intensifying suicidal thought that persist or get worse over a week mean a call to my pdoc. If the stress/anxiety/depression is having a significant impact on my daily functioning and lasts more than a couple weeks without getting better, then I should call. Daily functioning could mean difficulty getting through work, notable decreased energy, significant sleep disturbance, or other similar things. Likewise, if I'm drifting into pervasive depressive thoughts - this will never get better, I'm worthless, everything sucks - and that lasts for a couple weeks, then I should call. Generally for me, if I'm wondering if I should call my pdoc, I should call my pdoc. Just because I call my pdoc doesn't mean she'll make adjustments to my meds, but it allows her to make the decision on whether this seems like something that has crossed over into a depressive episode and if we don't change anything then, it puts it on her radar when we follow up next so she can continue to assess the level of impact and duration of symptoms.