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About thunder

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  1. It can be helpful to think of it as "I cut for the first time in 7 years" rather than "I am cutting again." This can help you view it as a one-time or brief slip, rather than feeling like have gone back to square one. It also makes the action past tense, something you did and are now moving on. Whereas "am cutting" is open-ended and implies an openness to continuing the action.
  2. You can always bring it up first in a very general manner to feel out your pdocs reaction. For example, you could say you were reading an article online about it and were wondering what his thoughts were about current research into using it for anxiety. Then you're asking an intellectual question first rather than saying, "hey I'd like to try this, what do you think?"
  3. Help me sleep

    I know you were experiencing issues with sedation before and made some changes based on that, but is it possible that you overshot and are now on the other end of the spectrum. Since you both added the vraylar and decreased the seroquel, it's difficult to know if the insomnia is only because of the vraylar or because the seroquel, which was originally helping you sleep, was decreased. Would it be possible to increase your seroquel back to closer to your old dose to see if the two can balance each other out? Since they are both AAPs I don't know if this is reasonable, but on the sleep side of things, it would seem to make sense to try adjust the doses of your current & recent meds to find a middle ground between the previous sedation and the current activation.
  4. It seems like your pdoc may be answering a different question or addressing a different problem than what is relevant in your case. When I've discussed medication specifically to address sleep, I've had a couple pdocs who consider getting someone to 6-7 hours of sleep good enough since while it's often not enough for optimal functioning, it's enough to meet general biological needs for a decent duration of time and trying to use medication to increase past this amount often tips to the point where increasing the medications have more side effects (sedation, hangover, etc.) than benefits. So he might be saying that it's "enough" meaning he doesn't think at 6.5 hours it's worth it to increase the doses since that would generally be the response to "not enough" sleep. I've basically gotten to the point after many episodes & several sleep med trials that I have decided it's not worth it for me, personally, to take anything specifically for sleep while depressed. I'd do it if I'm hypo and need the sedation. But personally, for me, being groggy and sedated while depressed feels worse than depressed and tired from lack of sleep.
  5. I've had sleep issues in the past, and I sympathize with the struggle to find something that helps. For me, trazodone did nothing for sleep and increased my suicidal thoughts. I can take Benedryl for allergic reactions and be perfectly wide awake the rest of the day. Vistiril made me tired but didn't help me fall asleep and still left me really groggy in the morning. Ativan helps me sleep only when it is specifically my anxiety that is keeping me and does help me wind-down a bit if I'm hypo, but for random or depression related insomnia it doesn't do much. I always seem to start sleeping better once I get my general mood state under control with non-sleep-specific meds. I know that doesn't help, but I just wanted to say that you're not the only one that doesn't seem to get the intended effects from sleep meds
  6. It seems like your pdoc has been making a lot of pretty rapid changes without really describing to you what his intention with each change is, and without a lot of improvement in your symptoms. What generally do your appointments look like? What sorts of things do you tell him about your symptoms, and how does he respond? When he does make changes, is it usually specifically in response to certain symptoms you describe or is it more like you give an overview of how you're doing and then he says, "do this." It's hard to constantly have to advocate for yourself, but it is important to know what your doctor is trying to treat because you want to make sure it aligns with your most pressing problems at the moment. If the medications don't seem to be lining up, it's important to ask whether they are going to help your anxiety/suicidality thoughts/lack of motivation/whatever is most concerning at the moment.
  7. Driving on the freeway. Gulp

    Would it help to do a practice drive or drives? Maybe drive the route sometime not during rush hour so you are familiar with where your exit is, any lane changes (construction, lanes becoming exit only) and anything like that. That way, you're not trying to figure out when to merge and how to recognize your exit while also worrying about making it to work on time on day one.
  8. How do I find a doc??

    When you do get places that aren't taking new patients or only take Medicare/Medicaid, you can try asking if they have anywhere they recommend. I found a therapist that way one time.
  9. How do I find a doc??

    Do you know what insurance company your insurance will be through once you are eligible? You can usually still go to the website for that company and look through the doctors they contract with in your area. That way, also, once you do get insurance, you'll know that your doctor is in network.
  10. God Do I Need Help

    Have you asked why they aren't increasing your doses of what you're already on before adding a new drug? Does your pdoc tell you, specifically, what symptoms they are hoping to address each time you change or add a new medicine? If not, I would be asking so that you do know what the plan is and to make sure that the symptoms your pdoc is prioritizing treatment-wise match your main concerns. Knowing what a particular med is supposed to be doing will also help you figure out if it's working, especially when you've got multiple moving pieces.
  11. If you don't feel like you can stop self-harming, is there a safer way you can do it? Right now, it sounds like you've maxed out all the good coping skills you have, and, while it's an unhealthy/dangerous coping skill, right now it is serving a purpose. I know for me, the only times I've cut within the past 5+ years was when I was intensely suicidal, and it takes does take some pressure out of those thoughts. I'm not trying to encourage it, but it sounds like right now, the concern is keeping you as safe as possible, whatever that looks like for you.
  12. Any good self help methods?

    If you can manage the logistics (money, getting to & from appointments, finding a provider), look into what age you have to be to consent to mental health treatment where you liovet. In many places, people under 18 can get mental health care without their parents' permission. It's often tricker because you'd have to find a provider who is willing to see you without your parents (even if legally you CAN consent to your own treatment, doctors/therapists can still decide that they won't treat you if you're not willing to include your parents), as well as find a way to pay since you're parents will generally find out if you use their insurance, and you'd have to be able to actually make and attend the appointments without your parents involvement.
  13. I've only taken benzos as a prn, so I don't know how they are overall for depression. However, I do find them helpful in alleviating instances of intense agitated, crying, suicidal ideation. Basically, they help me calm down when my emotions are overwhelming, regardless of what those emotions are.
  14. The problem is proving that they fired you because of your medical condition. They can easily say that they already planned to fire you because of your attendance or performance prior to you disclosing, or that they planned to lay you off for any number of reasons. Especially since you and the employer did agree to list it as a "layoff due to budgetary issues," you'd have a very hard time arguing in a legal setting that it was a wrongful termination. I'm not saying that it's right, or that the actual motive wasn't discriminatory, but employment law in the US favors the employer in most cases. If you have the means, you can definitely consult with a lawyer though to see what their thoughts are.
  15. It sounds like either lamotragine isn't the right medication for you, or that you might need to combine it with something else. Everyone seems to have a different opinion on it, but many people with BPII do take antidepressants along with a mood stabilizer since it's common to need more anti-depressant action than the mood stabilizer alone. Or maybe a different mood stabilizer will work better for you.