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About WinterRosie

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    Staring down the spoils of war
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    A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
  1. I'm very careful as well. This runs counter to my attempts to reach out when I'm struggling.
  2. I'm getting better at grounding! My challenge is that I keep thinking in very catastrophic ways that I'm in trouble and that it will be exceedingly life-altering if I get found out. I need fairly constant reminders that this is not, in fact, the case.
  3. I can access it on my phone. I use their wifi so sometimes I get a bit worried about that, but it's usually okay. And I go for coffee every few days so I can do that when I get too worried about them tracing the address through the router. The check-in thread is a good idea.
  4. I see tdoc twice a week too. She helps me, and reminds me about reality. Then I go home, and I forget, and I get scared again. I'm currently checking with my employer, too. I'm scared to do that, though. Because I need to do it a lot, and I'm scared that it will make them think that they can get rid of me. Which I think is part of the persecution thing but I'm not sure. See the problem here?
  5. It's becoming more and more clear to me that, in some aspects of my life, I'm completely delusional and am convinced that I'm getting persecuted nearly all the time. Obviously I can't check that with the people that I'm scared of. Who else can I reality check with? I don't trust my partner in this area, because I consider him to just be mis-informed on the subject.
  6. I'm still here. I'm exhausted though. I had a meeting today with the school to explore what my options are - followed by therapy less than an hour later. Between the two I'm less keyed up. It was good. I still really want to drink right now (and I might) but that's ok even if it breaks one of my rules. But I definitely need to eat first, since I haven't eaten in twelve hours. Because I stop eating when I'm stressed. (Gosh. It sounds like there are so many things wrong with me, put this way). There's nothing that I can do until Friday, which is good because both of my exams are on Thursday. I'm not too worried about addiction... I'm pretty good about putting up with withdrawal on a regular basis to mitigate getting too dependent. It's just a chore, and one more thing to manage, and makes me feel really shitty because withdrawal.
  7. I'm in an area of work that is licensed. Without completing my classes, I'm not able to register, and to get a license. I have a meeting with the chair tomorrow, and I found a former teacher of mine who is willing to help me navigate the school. So those are good things. I'm just terrified that my setting these things up will end up working against me, or being detrimental in some way.
  8. I'm so scared of getting a teacher in trouble and having it backfire on me. And this level of fear is so not sustainable by any stretch of the imagination.
  9. Thanks. I'm trying really hard to reach out to people (I sent an email to the chair of the department saying that my struggles with one teacher in particular have turned toxic and that I don't know what to do), and I sent another to a former teacher of mine (who I had already known and worked with) and who was willing to help me figure out how the school could be more supportive for me. So I'm trying to be proactive. I'm also just so sad, so scared, and so frustrated that this is happening. It doesn't help that I had to skip seeing tdoc for a week, so I feel even more alone than usual.
  10. I'm in that boat about the job offer. I went to school once before (a decade ago) and I ended up failing a course because I was so out of my head.
  11. Thanks to school I now have panic attacks daily (as opposed to less-than-monthly, before). Thanks to school I've destroyed my sobriety. The last time I drank like this I ended up with DTs when I quit, and I really don't want them again. I've also started using substances again, and I'd been clean for over a decade Everyone is saying "oh.... it's nine more weeks. You'll get through this" but I'm starting to question whether I can actually get through this unscathed. I can get through it and be addicted, but that's not really want I want. I might get through this with a brand new shiny panic disorder, but I don't really want that either. My brain is convinced that the only obvious solution is suicide, but that's not really one of my long-term plans. I'm ambitious, and being dead sort of screws up where I want to end up. I don't know what to do I guess I'm just looking for solidarity?
  12. Hello, and welcome to CB! It's such a strange feeling to discover that you're not alone, eh? Or at least, it was for me. Anyway, if you need anything, or have any questions, please feel free to PM the staff member of your choice. Looking forward to seeing your posts around. You're certainly not alone.
  13. Hello Dunsparce, welcome to CB I like painting and writing and old RPGs too. I like JRPGs as well, but I'm more selective about them. It makes sense to want to move out of your mum's house again. Good for you for seeing a pnurse! If you want to talk about how that's going, you're more than welcome to. There's also a schiophrenic board where a fair few schizoaffective folks post, if you want to post there. There are also blogs, if you want to write for yourself. You can either make it public to share with others here, or not. Feel free to take a look-see and investigate. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, inquiries, or et ceteras, please feel free to PM the staff member of your choice. Looking forward to seeing your posts around!
  14. Let's try asking from the other direction. If someone did this to you - left you waiting because they said they would show up, and they didn't show up - how would you feel about it? Would you think that they were an asshole?
  15. Prejudice much?