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Found 495 results

  1. I didn't realize this until I was reading another post, but here it is again, the first day of Fall in the US in two days. Already leaves are turning colors, falling, and the light outside is changing. Usually every change in season, I have one or two manic episodes. Last night had what I believe was my first manic episode in a long time. But last evening was scarier, all the typical symptoms of mania along with visual disturbances and sensations I had never experienced before. Left a vmail message on my psych docs line this morning thinking this is the smart thing to do, it usually takes alot for me to bother him in between sessions, but he does encourage this, fortunately. I left him the data and left it up to him if he feels he needs to call me back next week. I see him in two weeks. So, I remember my psych doc telling me once in a mood change, one can take a little extra medicine to help. I only take Seroquel as needed, so took 1/2 of a 25 mg of Seroquel and nothing happened. Thirty minutes took the next 1/2 of the 25 mg and finally sleep arrived. I slept 14 hours straight and when I woke up, I woke up to a totally different person. That scary weird out of control mood was no longer there (thought I was going to have to call 911 for help), the cycling was almost gone and slowly drifted away throughout the day. I am 67 and finding that my brain is functioning differently lately. It's beginning to scare me, of course the aging process is very scary. I have addressed this with my psych doc many times, even my neurologist and they do not seem concerned. I had an MRI and all was normal there for someone my age. These are all new symptoms to me, or maybe the same but more dramatic, I think. I have had more than my share of significant triggers last 9 months. I tried therapy last two weeks and actually ran out of the therapists room last week due to a panic attack. I warned her not to push. I even had it all written out for her to read, but oh no, she wanted me to verbalize it and then she swung into asking me about bodily feelings, that was when I ran out of her room in a blind panic. She wanted me to reveal too much stuff too fast and I kept warning her. Will not go back to her. So, now I have to get up the courage to seek out someone else. My psych doc will not refer me to anyone, as is his way, which makes it harder on me. Okay, will close for now.
  2. Last night was scary for me. I felt a mood suddenly ink in and I think I may have been hallucinating or dissociating due to the anxiety I was experiencing. I actually saw out of the corner of my right eye a face that was letting out all the angst I was feeling. It was a tortured hideous expression, and as soon as it appeared, it disappeared and I could feel all those churning emotions inking back into me. Soo weird !!! Was this dissociation, am I now BiPolar, what in the heck happened to me? Never had this, this intense before. I was afraid of........ me. I could tell something seriously was wrong, so what do I do? I go straight to the computer and go to my favorite site to order things I have never been able to afford before as that is one technique to self soothe, only I went overboard. Yes, I extended my line of credit one late night and now I am buying things that I don't even remember, even two or three of the same item. I am now busy returning most of them. However, there are items I have wanted for sooo long that I am now buying, I won't even go into the items I am sending back, way to embarrassing, lol. What scared me the most was the enormous scary mood swing, out of the blue, the mood was bigger than life to me. I could hear my psych doc telling me what to do as going thru a mood swing like this your body can tolerate extra medication, so I took 1/2 of a 25 mg Seroquel and it did nothing to stop the mood, so 1/2 hour later, I took another half of the 25 mg and it worked, within 30 minutes I was out and I slept 14 hours, woke up in a completely different mood, a completely different person. I had to say to myself this morning when I woke up, who was that person last night, I didn't even recognize myself and what I went thru. What a difference a good nights sleep does and strong medicine to help me get to and stay asleep. Wondering now if I am BiPolar because I heard that only a solid 12 hours of sleep will break cycling and I was definitely cycling last night. I have been coming down from Zyprexa due to extreme vertigo, so wondering if this may have been part of what happened to me. I also have reduced the Klonopin due to issues with my HMO and have had to stock-pile them, which leaves me wide open for more anxiety. Lately, my mood and anxiety/panic have rendered me housebound and even sometimes too fearful to get out of my bed. Well, thanks for reading this. I don't know if anyone can shed any light on this to help me.
  3. How do you go about most of your days when you're feeling totally ignored, neglected, unloved, lonely, invisible, and useless, like you don't matter to anyone? I can accept that I will always have depression (and the emptiness & struggle that comes with that) that i must (and do) treat, but it is becoming more and more difficult to accept that I don't deeply matter to anyone but the 2 people that gave birth to me (who will soon be gone). No one else gives a damn. No one is really truly there for you (especially when the chips are down). This is where much of my suffering comes from and why life often does not seem worth living. Does having "self-love" make up for this pain & isolation? And if so, how do you "love yourself"? I already do millions of "self-care' activities everyday, regular therapy appointments, read too many self-help books, and I still have this crushing pain, emptiness and self-hatred inside.
  4. Towards the end of August of this year and the beginning of this month, I was a bit manic, and then on 9/5/18, I saw my pdoc, and she put me on divalproex sodium ER (Depakote ER) 500 mg every morning and olanzapine (Zyprexa) 10 mg as needed for mania. Since starting the Depakote, I've already noticed that I am feeling rather flat and unmotivated, and that I'm slowly becoming depressed. It's been about four days into taking the Depakote, not long really, but I'm a little alarmed. A good friend of mine who's very knowledgeable with medications said that this is a very small dose, and I deduced that I would not feel much of anything, but I'm wondering if I'm sensitive to the anti-manic effects of it and that it might be putting me "too far on the other side" of euthymia... Does anyone maybe have any insight on this, or has anyone maybe even experienced this same thing? Could this possibly be the Depakote this quickly into taking it, or is this maybe just "post-manic depression," or what? I've also been taking the olanzapine (Zyprexa) nightly since it was prescribed to me to make sure I get good sleep, as getting good sleep was one of the things my pdoc instructed me to do since the main thing that precipitated my manic episode was lack of sleep. This probably confounds the clinical picture a bit, but I figured I would mention this. Any input would be much appreciated. Thanks!
  5. So, I guess this post is about how I can deal with this issue...My SO is on his iPhone 24/7, even while walking down the street, eating meals with me, and when we are watching TV or a film at home. I cannot get him to get off it! I look over his shoulder and its crap (not important stuff), like stupid memes, Twitter feed, sports scores. I've told him constantly that it really irritates me and makes me feel like I do not matter. I feel ignored. Yet he keeps going back on it. What else can I do??? Then I start going on my iPhone too, and this gets me depressed. I try to go out, and keep myself occupied away from him, but then when we're together he's non-stop digitally connected.
  6. Heyup, I'm taking Vyvanse for my 20+ year treatment-resistant depression and it's working better than anything I've ever tried (the bad news is that the last 3-4 days it's losing its potency and/or taking longer to kick in, but that's another story). I am asking about its variable effectiveness since I also found it to vary even when it was still potent. E.g. Monday my mood would be 6/10 depression (10/10 is best mood) then Tues 4/10 then Weds 7/10. Anyone know why this variability happens? Anyone got any tips? FTR I'm on 150mg Brand Lamictal, Abilify 5mg, 15mg Percocet (for chronic pain), 60mg Vyvanse, 36mg concerta (since the Vyvanse lasts 8 hours max), 20mg Omeprazole (for NERD, GERD's geeky cousin), 100mg trazodone (for sleep), 300 ranitidine (for NERD). I take the meds at the same times every day. Many thanks! Pete
  7. Do any of you here successfully function in an "Open work environment"? Seems it's the norm in the workplace now: no cubicles, no offices or privacy. Only a big open area where you are squished by coworkers along long tables 24/7. It is loud, anxiety producing and distractable, especially for introverts with MI like me. Coworkers hear your phone calls, see your computer screen....and supposedly, this "encourages better communication" whatever.... I used to work at a place set up like this, couldn't hack it. Looking for a new job, but I'm really afraid that all places are like this nowadays and it makes me super anxious. I WISH I could work mainly remote, but it's not a possibility with most roles, or unless you've been at a place for a long time. (I don't do tech/programming work that can be done remote) Would you decline a great job in this environment? Or would you try to negotiate set remote days up front?
  8. Since starting Wellbutrin last august i have felt fairly stable as far as my depression goes. I have felt normal and sometimes almost upbeat in a way that did not slip into euphoria. I started taking Ritalin last year or this year due to insurance issues with my nuvigil for narcolepsy. I also had a......traumatic?? life experience where I learned that my husband had cheated on me and may have gotten this girl knocked up. We are trying to work things out, and I've been dealing, but it is hard. It constantly plays through my mind. She is always between us. That had a big triggering effect on me. Since then, back in April, I have been utilizing my support group and working on building myself back up and redefining my reality. It is a lot of work, but I have managed and I am learning to deal with it better. Lately though, I have felt my anxiety crawling up. I have also been super emotional. Crying for no obvious reason (in that moment, i will be fine and then something as minor as a sigh can trigger tears). I am aware that wellbutrin can cause issues with anxiety. Mine has always been very high though. Can anxiety cause you to cry like depression does? I'm not saying I'm not depressed right now....Just...I don't even know what I am trying to say or ask. I can't think. My thoughts are so disorganized right now. I did have two cups of coffee this morning.. One day I'll be perfectly fine and stable. The next day I may be overly emotional. The next day I may be good again. The next,awful or bad. I started keeping a mood chart about a month ago and it looks like an active seismograph! From day to day I cannot say how I might feel. To my knowledge I have not been diagnosed with rapid cycling anything, but my pdoc is still getting to know me. I was already medicated when I started seeing him with tweaks here and there. I've also learned I do not deal well with change. My husband started a new job and works as a mechanic during the day and a tow truck driver on nights and weekends so it feels like he is always gone. It going to take a lot of adjustment and I have not been handling it well. I've spent the last year applying for jobs and I cannot get hired anywhere. Part of me is thankful because I"m not sure how I would handle working around people, but a part of me is highly disappointed because I want to work. It feels so controversial. I do not want to just bum around and be completely dependent on anyone, but at the same time I am TERRIFIED of getting into the workforce again. I haven't worked in years because I have been home caring for children. Now, they are all in school and I worry, if I find a job then who will be home with them when they are sick? Who will take them to appointments? Things like that. What if I get a job and I can't control my emotions? I break down or have a very irritable day/s? I stay irritable. I always have. I can fake the happy personality, but I won't excel at my job doing that I don't think. I learn slow. I would once again have to adjust to something new. I avoid watching most tv, and listening to a lot of music as well as being around most people because I'm worried I'll be triggered into one emotion or another and not be able to pull myself out of it. People have asked me more than once why have I not applied for SSI? It seems so final I guess. I guess I'm worried that there will be no turning back if I do that. What else am I going to do though? I'm not doing anything currently except for being a money pit. I need to do something to help our household. I feel...what is the word...inept? useless? I'm not sure. I do not even know if my symptoms are uncontrolled enough to qualify if that is a thing. Do you have to be constantly uncontrolled to qualify? I am sorry the post was so long. I apologize again for being all over the place. I needed to get all of that out, but I had no idea how. I tell everyone that "I am fine." /sigh
  9. Tonight, a close friend hurt me very very deeply and it was done with intention and mean-spiritedness. She knew just how to push my button. As a knee-jerk reaction, I cut her off. I also went so far as to deactivate Facebook, Messenger, I blocked her phone, along with many others, to reach me. Then I went outside my door where I have a shelf for plants, and moved all of them inside my apartment, took down my wreath on my front door, no more welcoming messages. I am now officially cut off from everyone, and I don't care. I call this survival. People have been maliciously picking at me all month. Oh and I am keeping my blinds and curtains closed. I truly want to be left alone, to recover from this trauma, I've had enough in my life. I am starting on new medication and will start therapy on Friday. I need to draw into myself and take care of myself to protect me from this onslaught of unbelievably mean tenants where I live who seek out to harm. I will no longer participate in group activities here. I will come and go only at night to do my business when everyone is asleep. I will no longer answer any questions about myself, nor look anyone in the face when I happen to pass by them,n or answer should they reach out to me. I'm done.
  10. I want to try Nortriptyline again, but my psych doc is hesitant. He prescribed me Seroquel and Abilify but my pharmacist refused to fill them, advising not to take them together at my age (67). I used to take Pamelor for 30 years and where it did nothing for depression, it controlled anxiety, panic disorders and managed migraine. Waiting to hear back from my psych doc today if he will approve Nortriptyline. I need to sleep. I need something to help with agoraphobia, terrible anxiety and panic. Everything I take activates anxiety and panic. Leaving my home is a battle with fear. Thank you.
  11. After 2 months A/D-free, I am becoming symptomatic with depression again (crying jags, sad ruminations, feelings of hopelessness), I'm afraid I'll have to go back on something. I'm considering Cymbalta or Prozac, due to the longer half-life (compared to Effexor). Effexor helped, but it seems to have the worst withdrawal syndromes :-( I am heartbroken, I was doing so well the last 2 months without it. And A/Ds are definitely not a slam dunk for me (I've tried them all, they make me flat, anhedonic, lazy, and completely asexual at the therapeutic dosage) and Lamictal alone is not cutting it! What has been your favorite A/D and why?
  12. I'm mostly looking for advice at this moment on how to foster and encourage my significant other's (soon to be married) interests. She seems to want to share a lot of things with me, such as things about other people and all; however, when it comes to her interests, she tells me about them but doesn't include me in them. I know she tries but she also gives up if she even perceives that I'm not interested. Often times it isn't a lack of interest but rather that I may be having a bad day or an having difficulties with things and processing. (I have Cerebral Palsy and multiple mental health diagnoses) I don't mean to make her feel like I have no interest or I don't want to get along, but is it not ok to indulge in my own thing/ have some alone time? A lot of things I do bother her sensory issues (singing opera, playing jokes, touch randomly without remembering her boundaries because my memory is shit). I want to better our relationship by sharing some in each other's interests but I also still have that need to do my own thing when it is something I know she can't handle. She's also pregnant which makes her sensory issues twice as bad, which has lead to some hard feelings, especially when I would like to sing (as I have a generally loud singing voice as I've sung opera for the past 8 years. She also has a developmental delay that causes her to need to speak things aloud and get that feedback on social situations and some other things to process them, in which she is quite long-winded most of the time. That has also lead to more hard feelings as it leads to limited time to indulge in anything else but talking from the time we are up until the time she goes to bed. Any other time that's left during the day, she usually insists that we spend it together because she wants to be close but she has also said that if we don't have that closeness each and every day, multiple times a day even (most days) then she and I will be too distant and she won't be able to open back up to me because I'll be a stranger (she has had issues with selective mutism when she was a child is the only thing I could assume she means by she will stop opening up). It may just be a matter of her mental health and I just misunderstood what she meant, however, is it wrong of me to feel like she is somewhat playing mind games/ manipulating me/ twisting my arm for me to pay all of my attention to her?She is currently visiting from Canada and I live 422 miles away from her home. She has said that things will be different when we go back to Canada in 5 days, but I don't know whether or not I can trust this as I have seen different happen when she's back home and we just talk over video call. She says she doesn't really lie, and I know that, but is it bad of me to feel like she just doesn't really know herself all that well in what she really and needs from a person, especially when she's never really been in a long term relationship before us getting together? I'm really trying to let go of the past but this is just a lot to handle. Does anybody have any advice on how to cope with these situations? Is it too much for me to continue to wish for and sometimes expect her to understand my needs? Is it too much for me to want to be left alone sometimes (as it helps me to cope with life and process my own emotions)?I really don't want her or our relationship to suffer because I'm not giving her what she needs. Thanks for any responses. They are much appreciated. P.S. ~ Are there any books you would recommend somebody in a relationship with somebody who has ASD reads to have a better understanding of what it is like to have autism or books on how to cope with the differences in their partner? P.P.S. ~ I know she's not a manipulative person and she wouldn't mindfully force me to do what I don't wish to, it's just I feel backed into a corner most days and I lash out emotionally in anger and start to yell when she's annoying me, most often times at the expense of being called mean when I say something she doesn't view as true and, at the best of times, neither do I. I guess it's just hard when both parties have mental health issues that result in a lot of emotions (and a TON of anger) and developmental issues, and social skills deficits on her end. I love her to death though and just want to make things easier on the both of us, more so on her though.
  13. Finally came clean with my psych. I am sitting here with boxes of the same item (3) of this and that, that I ordered online and don't even remember I ordered these items. I increased my credit line on my credit cards so I could spend more. I find when I am up late at night I order, order, order and don't remember the next day what I ordered until I get an email that an item is coming. I can't leave my home due to panic and high anxiety. I have to stop spending or I am heading for bankruptcy. My psych doc just started me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg - very low dose due to sensitivities to medication) at night and Abilify during the day. I had taken myself off all my meds and don't know why. I have been having confusion, dissociation, fear of leaving my apartment, insomnia, fear of my mind falling apart. So, with the encouragement of a friend, I came clean and told my psych doc everything that was going on. I feel embarrassed, but I do need help and apparently I can't manage all this alone. He did not judge me, he knew something was amiss due to all the vmails I leave on his answering machine. Thinking back, I have gone thru several traumatic events and this could have probably kicked all this off. I am not in therapy just yet, but I need to be. So, thought I would start here for help navigating all this. Here is the list of the traumas I have gone thru over the past 12 months: witnessed and stopped a brutal assault and went to criminal court as a witness, witnessed the sudden death of a close friend, then right after that went thru a forced move to an apartment I do not like, then had a liver biopsy, have been thru numerous doctors trying to find out what my medical condition is, now I have an impacted kidney stone and facing more surgery, tore my meniscus in my knee but can't get to the ortho for treatment, lost 40 pounds due to not eating and having nausea with all the pain I have had. I only sleep 3-4 hours a night, so hoping the Seroquel will help me get my sleep hygiene back in tact. Hoping the Abilify will help with mood stabilization and anxiety/panic control. Those are my medication goals right now. Thank you for listening.
  14. Hi. Years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar II but after 6-7 years of messing with med cocktails I'm seriously wondering if I'm not just depressed and that's that. I've never had mania. Never had a "high". I definitely get depressed- and sometimes, when not medicated, I can get extremely irritable. My psychiatrist says that the irritability is my version of "mania" but I've never seen anyone else describe going through this or having this kind of bipolar. I've never seen this listed as the symptoms of bipolar anywhere. I don't fit the criteria of bipolar II that I've seen written anywhere. I just can't relate to anything I've read. Also, when I get depressed, it's accompanied by sheer panic. Not flat-out panic attacks but just feelings of dread and fear. I become convinced I'm going to lose my job, lose my house, etc. Things at work haven't been perfect but the level of fear I experience is completely out of proportion to the situation and it feels "chemical". I also feel like someone is sitting on my chest... I feel it in my chest and shoulders. It's bizarre. Can anyone relate to any of this?
  15. Hi. I just started Vraylar today, we're trying it in place of Latuda, which doesn't seem to be doing anything for my BPII depression. Has anyone had any experience with Vraylar and depression? Looking forward to hearing everyone's experiences. Thanks.
  16. My apologies for the long post, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. As the title says, I'm just picometers away from checking myself into a psych ward. I have shit going on in my life with my family that I'm just about done with trying to care about and mange. We have a live-in "stray" we picked up who is a mooch, a biggot, a homophobe (I'm gay), an a real class A ass hole. My friend and I and him got into a shouting match last night and he almost got violent with us. Of course, my mom, who is infatuated with him (and if I didn't know any better, is having an affair with him), hardly did anything to intervene except saying "stop yelling!" But that's another thing, I digress. Not to mention, my mood has been on a downswing the last month into a massive, bottomless-pit of a depressive episode. I knew it was too good for me to be feeling good for as long as I did. It was the first time in years to be feeling that good for as long as I did. I was probably actually hypomanic because I got myself into some pretty nasty credit card debt that I can't pay off because I'm unemployed and have no source of income. I knew I was due for a depressive episode sooner or later, which is fantastic because now I don't have the willpower to get a job. I can't get to my pdoc until, at the very soonest, Wednesday, and it's not guaranteed that I'll even get to see her then. It may be Friday, or even next week. I'm heavily considering checking into a psych ward. I've talked with friends about which one in my area is the best one, and I think I've decided which one to go to. I'm just scared to death of being stripped of my belongings like my cell phone and everything. I'd like to at least have my pen and notebook so I could journal or something. Is that really what they do? Do they treat you like prisoners? I've been taking copious amounts of Restoril (> 360 mg ) + gabapentin (>3600 mg) + Valium (> 40 mg) + Xanax (> 6 mg) + Thorazine (> 100 mg) + Zanaflex (> 12 mg) all at once just to feel out of my body. I want to be gone. I want to be away. I don't want to die, I just want to be gone. Away. Not here. Just for a while. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to go away for a long time and come back when things are better. I've been doing this every night for the past few days. My parents and best friend know about it, and it breaks their hearts to know I'm doing it, but I can't help it. I feel like I need to do it. I ran out of Restoril, so I've just been taking the combo without the Restoril. I've been slowly escalating the dose of gabapentin as I started out at 2400 mg. I'm almost out of Valium as they're 2 mg pills. I'm almost out of Xanax and Thorazine. Soon I'll just be left with gabapentin. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of this guy living with us, he has long overstayed his welcome. He was supposed to move out once he got a place of his own. He has a place of his own, he just has to fix it up. He hasn't worked on it in months. I'm terrified of him. I'm having paranoid hallucinations of him coming to harm me even when he's not here.
  17. Hi, everyone. This is my first post! I was diagnosed with atypical depression a while ago and was wondering if anyone else has been dealing with it. According to WebMD, one thing that differentiates atypical depression from melancholic depression is "mood reactivity" and it also is characterized by a "more intense reaction or increased sensitivity to rejection, resulting in problems with social and work relationships." I do have these issues and also have another thing on the list, which is "a feeling of being weighted down, paralyzed, or 'leaden'". Adderall often helps with this feeling, but is by no means a cure-all. Anyway, the "mood reactivity" is interesting to me as I've often felt like I was a little bit BPD, maybe Borderline Lite?? Yes, I definitely feel things very intensely (which sucks), have a massive fear of abandonment and rejection, BUT I don't engage in reckless activities like sex with strangers or manipulation tactics, guilt tripping people, attention whore type behavior, etc. I basically just accept it when someone doesn't want to engage with me (it hurts a LOT, but I'd rather just deal than make it worse/embarrass myself by creating drama). Having said that, I often do feel like I'm still a teenager on the inside (am in my early 40s)! Maybe I am emotionally stunted, I don't know. I have an "inner adult" as well, but under stress my inner teenager seems to hijack my thoughts and feelings at times. Anyway, I thought it was interesting that this "atypical depression" encompasses these BPD/Complex PTSD-like symptoms and was curious to hear your guys' thoughts. Maybe it is a diagnosis for people who have grown out of their BPDish symptoms enough to need a different category? Although, I could be wrong/oversimplifying...
  18. Greetings, I have been struggling with my Bipolar II depression for years, and am now going to pursue ECT due to my being medication resistant. I take 250mg/day of Lamictal (an anticonvulsant), 12mg/day of Valium, and an anti-depressant. I had a consultation with the ECT doctor, and he said that not only will my Lamictal make it difficult for him to induce a proper seizure, which I was already aware of, but that Valium, a benzodiazepine, also prevents seizures. I never knew that, but apparently paramedics use a benzodiazepine nose spray for people having seizures. So I got hit with two barrels when I was only expecting one: Not only will the Lamictal hinder ECT, but so will my Valium, a benzodiazepine. I have hyper-withdrawal syndrome, so I can't just drop the Lamictal (which stopped working years ago) and begin ECT. I'm also at a good Valium dose which I don't want to mess with. The doctor will have to increase the electric charge sent to my brain (as relative to someone not on two drugs that prevent convulsions) in order to induce a seizure. I'm understandably wary of having electricity sent through my brain, but given my particular circumstances, I have nothing left to lose. But as stated above, a larger-than-normal charge of electricity will need to be used. I worry that such a high voltage could have lifelong negative side effects, like chronic migraines for instance. Have studies even been done using such potentially high electric charges in modern ECT therapy and what kind of unknown dangers that could elicit? Bipolar patients usually have an AC in their med regiment, as well as a benzo of some kind, and I'm sure lots of people with treatment-resistant BP II depression have had ECT. How did they do it? The doctor also said that as treatment continues (Mon, Wed, Fri. for a couple weeks) even a normal person not on seizure-inhibiting drugs has to have the voltage increased with each treatment, as if the brain develops a type of tolerance to the procedures. For the sake of simplicity, let's say the voltage scale is from 1-10, with 1 being the typical charge sent into an ECT patient's brain who's not taking two drugs that inhibit seizures. As stated above, the doctor told me it's not uncommon to have to increase the voltage for a regular person not on the drugs I'm on as treatment progresses. Well, I'm taking 250mg of Lamictal and 12mg of Valium daily. For me, let's say instead of 1 voltage, it takes 4 for the first procedure. By the time the entire ECT regiment is finished, let's suppose a regular person will have ended up on a voltage charge of 5. For me, with my seizure-inhibiting drugs, let's say I end up at a 10+ voltage charge. That's what I'm afraid of. Relatively (in the modern sense) untested ECT territory and its effects on the brain. I'm aware of the side effects for ECT for regular people, and I'm not bothered. Like I said, I need help desperately. But in my case, essentially taking TWO anticonvulsants, could my brain be permanently damaged by electric charges that could end up being substantially greater than 95% of people who have this procedure done? Do I need to worry that I'll develop side effects, potentially lifelong? Side effects/damage that would be very rare for someone receiving normal, low-voltage charges? Chronic migraines, ticks, general cognitive defects, noticeable loss in creative ability, writing ability, etc. I'll be receiving high-voltage charges, potentially much higher charges than 95% of people who undergo ECT. And as like normal patients, each treatment should require an ever-increasing charge to induce the seizure. What should I think about all of this? What should I do? I'm in an acute depressive state right now, so treatment may begin in just days. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks! Troop
  19. Hi everybody. I have been taking Agomelatine for 3 weeks (as an add on to Duloxetine). I don't feel any better. I feel sleepy and slightly more depressed and anxious. How much longershould I keep taking it? Or should I stop? What have others' experiences been? Thanks!
  20. Has anyone here come to realize the moments when you are projecting in a relationship? By Projection, I mean the behavior where you do not accept your own thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings as your own. These "unwanted" feelings or thoughts are dealt with by being projected / placed outside of yourself or attributed to someone else... I've noticed (as a chronically depressed, anxious, highly-sensitive person) that I have a habit of often projecting, and misinterpreting other's behavior as critical, unloving, uncaring, angry and disapproving...when in fact, these are the constant ruminations that I have about MYSELF. This is simply how my brain operates in the world. I'm VERY critical of myself (I often see myself as unlovable, unworthy, lazy, too emotional, disorganized, I never do anything right)... Ex: Someone communicates a neutral statement to me, but I over analyze and read into it emotionally, and start feeling and questioning that the person is angry with me or disapproves of me. Anyone experience this? How do you de-program your automatic projections?
  21. I wish I had never been placed on it adjunctively for depression/anxiety. I was first embarrassed because it is classified as an antipsychotic. I was on the lowest dose for a few months. I gain about 15 pounds. I haven't been able to return to my pre-abilify weight. So frustrating.
  22. Can anyone tell me what you take that has treated bipolar depression. I’m too scared to even touch an antidepressant with my history. I can’t get out of depression. When I think of my life since this illness onset I can only think of a handful of healthy times when I wasn’t at least mildly depressed. I am fighting so dam hard, and this is it. I have time off. I’m about to start getting short term disability and I’ll have at least 6 months to tinker with meds. I’ve already been tinkering with them for over a year and nothing is working for depression. i thought lamictal would do it this time but it’s making me worse. im desperate. I’m going to seriously look into Latuda with my pdoc but yes I am concerned about anxiety. I do have a goal to get off the .5 klonopin over the next several months. Maybe that is unrealistic or impossible.
  23. So far this year, I think I've missed 17 days of work. There was a time I missed four days of work in January. I wasn't on medication at the time. I just had a hard time finding a new psych doctor until a few weeks ago (prescribed 20 mg of Latuda). I would just wake up and sometimes if it was raining, just decide I wasn't going to work. I just didn't care if I got fired or not. There were even days that I didn't get paid for. How about coming home with only $200.00? Despite this, I would continue missing work. I would make every excuse in the book. Thankfully I didn't get fired. The depression started around January after having a period of hypomania. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2011. I have these episodes generally in the Spring & Fall for some odd reason. Then I'm good to no one, but behave much better, just depressed, have no motivation to get off the couch. I haven't missed a large amount of time from work since 2016 (out of work for longer than a month twice that year). Since taking Latuda, I felt a difference almost immediately, starting sleeping for the full night. I'm hoping this medication works well especially since my co-pay was $175.00. This month, I haven't missed one day of work (knock on wood) and rarely have been late. Trying to become reliable again at work. Anyone else missed work? What worked for you?
  24. Apologies if this sounds a trivial issue but it's something causing me daily anxiety&blame and also something that puzzles the hell out of me. Why is taking a shower so damned hard? I can do other morning "chores" e.g. make breakfast, get dressed, brush my teeth relatively easily. Plus I know that showering : feels really good is necessary is actually enjoyable only takes minutes etc. I've tried various CBT techniques e.g. rate perceived v.s. actual difficulty, list pro's and con's and so on to no avail. The best I can come up with is "don't think about it, just do it", which a) is lame and b) doesn't alleviate the procrastination or anxiety much. Anyone else? Any tips? Thanks in advance, Pete
  25. I just turned 30 last November. Seems like all life does anymore is pass me by. I've dealt with severe anxiety and depression for the better part of the last 2 decades, and before that, ADHD as a child. I have tried every medicine under the sun, including experimental ones like ketamine and such. I've done ECT treatments, hundreds of therapy sessions and group therapies. The doctors switched my diagnosis from bipolar, to severe GAD, to borderline personality disorder, back to GAD, many times, and I'm not even sure what the current one thinks I am. I mostly sit there staring into space when I'm in his office. I have no hope or will left in me anymore. I haven't truly felt suicidal since 2009, which is when I had two suicide attempts, but I'm beginning to be okay with dying again. 2 years ago, I lost the love of my life and since then this hole inside me has become larger than ever. We were together for 6.5 years, and it was the most fulfilling, joyous years of my life. Now I'm at the point where feeling sad is a relief, because I mostly feel nothing. I rarely feel anything anymore besides resentment and anger because I know I should be feeling but I'm not. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, I remain empty inside. I'm so apathetic and detached from the world and the people in it, including friends and family. I isolate myself, turn my phone off for weeks at a time even. I just don't care anymore. I struggled with this beast before I met the love of my life, but she filled me with something that medicines and doctors never could. LOVE. It was like a breath of fresh air, with the sun on my face. Blissful, peaceful. I love her every moment of every day, and I know without her I won't make it. She's the reason I stopped feeling suicidal in 2009. That's the year we met, coincidentally in ECT therapy. We were both in the same waiting room. It's funny, we wouldn't remember each others' names or that we had started making plans to see each other outside of therapy. We were like kids in the recovery room, sitting on our hospital gurneys kicking our feet, sipping on those juice boxes they give you after they electrocute ya, completely nonjudgmental, embracing each others' company. Our mothers had to help us out hahaha. Our memory and attentions spans at the time were hilariously short. My mother would drive me to go see her, and I would forget who I was going to see on the way there. Her mother would remind her to get ready because she had company coming over but she would always forget who was coming to see her. But we would always remember when we saw each other, and we would embrace each other with the biggest hugs. It was like seeing each other for the first time, every time while we were still having ECT treatments, except we knew each other. Hard to explain. I'm simplifying everything but I truly have not ever felt something so strong and amazing, that attraction that soulmates share, if you believe in such things. I've tried dating (if you can even call it that) and talking to girls since I lost her but nothing makes me care. Sex is meaningless, conversations are meaningless...doesn't matter who's talking to me, or how much they're into me, they aren't her. They'll never be her. I just space out and imagine how comfy my sanctuary is where I can lay back with my feet on my soft carpeting and just rest. That's all I ever want to do anymore, just rest. Be as close to 'at peace' as I can. Life never had much sway over me, and now that I'm without 'her'...I'm so close to the final exit. It sucks because this could have all been avoided. I used to drink alcohol, A LOT. I even went to rehab for it, and stayed clean since then with a few hiccups/reminders not to drink. Alcohol never mixed well with me, and caused more problems than she could put up with. I hate myself for not seeing clearly quicker. For not listening to her. And so here I am, a broken being writing on this forum not because I seek help but because I just feel like I should put a brief summary of my story out there. I apologize if any of you were here looking for answers. I see many other souls in pain here too, which inspired me to share. It's nice knowing we aren't completely alone.
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