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Found 15 results

  1. Hi all. My girlfriend was in therapy in college and the Dr there had given her depression/anxiety meds but she's run out. She felt like they helped but wants to put a label to what's going on so that way the meds will be a better fit. We moved so she's seeing a therapist outside of college for the first time, every two weeks for about 6 months and she feels like it isn't helping. She does get along with the therapist. I sat in with her on one of the sessions when my gf wanted me to give my POV of what her emotions/mood swings/outbursts are like. The therapist seems to be very focused on changing her way of thinking which is good but says a lot of things like "happiness is a choice" and other similar things regarding happiness. My gf wants to be happy and does have negative thinking and emotional outbursts, mainly anger and sadness. She's very down about therapy and feels like the sessions recently are a chore and hates going to them because nothing has changed. I'm not sure what to help her look for when we move again soon and search for another therapist. Does anyone have any recommendations? She would like to be diagnosed and feels like a bad person/that something is wrong with her that can never be "fixed." x gentlelamb
  2. hello. i also need help with,, bipolar like symptoms i have mood swings at the tiniest things. i'm so happy! i feel so great, im talking alot and being happy but then all of a sudden i cant do something i want to do and i drop super bad and then even five minutes after id be happy again i have bad relationships with people and i. feel like people hate me if they dont laugh loud enough at a joke i tell. i have paranoia that everyone talks about me and how bad i am and that they're all lying. i have bad relationships were i usually obsess over a certain person, and i never really hang out with anyone else but them. if they dont comfort me, then they hate me. id hate them but then after the arguments over they're my favourite person in the world im sorry if i sound incoherent im not great at the moment my ex described me once as "being one way one moment then something else the next" or somethn and whenever i get really happy about stuff i like my brother tells me im being hyper n stuff and it usually brings my mood down because i dont want to be annoying, anyway sorry. any advice would be helpful. i'm 15 and im diagnosed with depression & GAD. ive been trying to get a proper re-diagnosis because i havent been going to school because i just. feel like i cant have healthy relationships with anyone and its just scary. thank you for any help you give me,
  3. So, my friends and family keep mentioning I sleep too much. I nap, A lot. I'll nap and want another nap, i'll sleep in, wake up and then nap like two hours later at times. Etc. Other b.s. I've always thought it was just a lot of my depression problems, since depressed people can sleep a lot. I feel fatigued frequently, usually I know if I wanna go to bed I need to read something. It'll put me to sleep. if I'm slightly drowsy, only though. It's hard for me to concentrate at times, and i've had really bad nightmares that seemed so real that I've woken up in the middle of the night crying/screaming. I took the symptom screener on morethantired from the commercials, and my scores were 5 and 16. This is where I'm confused, on the 16 score it said something about high negative scores? Or something like that? Has anyone else taken it or know what it means? Because 16 isn't negative, but my results said I should see a sleep specialist. I need to know what to do. i'll have to find one that takes Medicaid, there's only one where I live. The others are in the DFW area - not shocking but I can get Medicaid transport to take me or something like they said they could if i'm out of town for an appt. What are your experiences with Narcolepsy? Can you explain for me? I just need to know if I should get tested or not, I don't wanna waste the appt. and Medicaid's time if it's nothing. But people worry that i'm napping from like 3-5 and then 7-9 at night. I sleep MORE than eight hours, I wake up the days my boyfriend works arounf 2ish to make him breakfast and pack his lunch for work. The days he doesn't work, we sleep. Needless to say my schedule is inconsistent. I felt a little better with the structured sleep schedule, sleeping at 9 waking up at 6-7 am. But I'm a night owl, I don't like going out during the day as I don't much like people and their stupid tendency to do things or at least the ones around me. I do my grocery shopping at night, because someone is almost ALWAYS running into me. And I get paid at night sometimes, or my boyfriend does. It's just preferred. Unless it's a store only open certain hours, unlike Walmart. The sunlight kind of pisses me off, and gives me headaches. I'm suppose to wear glasses because I've got an Astigmatism but lost two pairs two years ago, and need to go back and get more and a new test. I like the dark, and doing things in it. So, I rather not be up during the day unless I've got to be. I won't leave me house earlier than 5pm MAYBE,
  4. Hi! Today is my 28th day on sertraline. I have titrated up to 100 mg. I know these meds can take up to 6 weeks to work. Luvox worked for me with 5 weeks on 150 mg and I think I have been on 200mg as well. It pooped out so my second ssri was Lexapro, which kicked in faster at 3 weeks ( at 10 mg). After 6 years this one pooped out as well. Last May, when the poop out happened, my general doctor was pushing new therapy and didn't switch me to another ssri, which I did not really like. He did increase Lexapro to 15 mg but after 4 weeks things were still the same and started the therapy and mindfulness classes. Meanwhile I slowly weaned off from the Lexapro, since I saw no use staying on it. I tried some alternative things like NAC, combined it with magnesium, vitamines, omega 3 and ginko biloba...but nothing really worked. So after 4,5 months of being 100% medication free I asked my general doc for a consultation with a pdoc. The pdoc advised sertraline 100 mg or maybe a little more. A last ssri trial. I am extremely concerned that it won't kickin this week. I just can't imagine it doing anything. I know it is a bit too early to write it off and go on something else but I'd like to hear some opinions. The pdoc who does the consultations suggested (during the first and only appointment) a switch to clomipramine/Anafranil or augment with Seroquel (PRN dose, though I still don't know how this will help with stuck, unwanted repetitive thoughts) but only if Zoloft doesn't work for me. My general doc will follow this advice but I from everything I gathered there are so much more options...for example Prozac or adding Abilify or even nortriptyline. That pdoc said that more appointments with him arent possible. Which means I have to find another one...which can take weeks :-( One last thing: the side effects I am having are almost unnoticable. Some RLS in the early morning, slight stomach irritation (1 of 2 times a week) and vivid dreaming. I had more anxiety the first two weeks and that's it... I think I could go higher in dose without much trouble. But could a higher dose do the trick or do I supposed to feel something already? Sigh...I just want to get out of this situation...
  5. Greetings everyone, I had honestly forgotten about my mood disorder. I have gone for years without any major episodes. Over the summer I had renewed my eyeglasses/contact prescription from a clinic affiliated with my childhood. In my file they had mailed me, it stated a diagnose of bipolar. Yeah right, had taken medication in my younger years for both depression and adhd. I experienced extreme reactions to both. Whatever. Long time ago anyways. I'm just a dude with lots of empathy, my motto is care more. Never looked back. Then... yah know, 'till now. Heh... Had a long hypomanic period (almost a year) that enveloped two short states (about a week or two a piece) of depression. It ended in a four to five week period of mania. Not the feel good everything is sweet, but dysphoricky, psychotic kind, terminologies, mixed, mind trickery bleh. Sucky. I feel pretty fucking depressed right about now. Postdroming would be the hip lingo methinks. Or post-whatever-whatever. When I was manic I related my experience to times in my past I had felt similar. This most recent bout, the most extreme by far, is not the first time I have experienced hallucinations or delusions during those "difficult" times. Anyways, it seems that for the most part, I float from one period of hypomania to the next with intermittent periods of mild depression. Up and down, up and down for two, three, four years then... boom! Shit just gets unreal, blend of all symptoms. Depression for a few months, rinse and repeat. To pose my question, is there a possibility that one could spend so much time on the manic side of life? It is kinda opposite of the descriptions for bipolar 2 I have read, I dunno maybe. My depression only feels like contrast to my elation. Hard to describe. As difficult as it is right now, it is not nearly as terrifying as my mania. Also, is it realistic to pursue a life without medical attention until one should really be institutionalized during full mania? Would I be lying to myself by embracing my hypomania? Maybe I am just not experiencing any symptoms during those times and I'm just a philosophical, passionate, eccentric. It all just reads like hypomania...fuck. I don't know, I am trying to understand. Crazy talk... Though I have read that episodes can last for a long time. Maybe I have just learned to cope with depression but not mania. I don't know. I am not suicidal but have had suicidal ideations during my episodes. A close friend of mine since childhood had a psychotic episode or break last year and is being effectively treated for psychosis. I know that medication serves a very real purpose. I mean, my mother has struggled with controlling her bipolar type 2 with various medications her entire life, but it helps her control it. I have always had poor experiences with any sort of medicines aside from antibiotics. Hah! Had some pretty weird hallucinations after getting a tetanus shot with some added violent mood swings, paranoia and blacking out forgetting where you are kinda shit. Lasted three days. Hard to paint a house with that goin on. Avoid ladders... Maybe I'm just afraid... A lot has been going through my head. Not as bad as it was for a minute though. That being said, care more my friends and thank you for any input. May we build eachother up! We may not heal, we may not get stronger, but damn it, we will get better at fighting!
  6. this will not be a short post. i thought that I had everything sorted. I honestly believed that I had these answers and they were correct and I wouldn't have to worry about anything else. how naive am I! here is the rundown of my known issues. major depression, generalized and social anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks. nothing has been officially established about my paranoia, but it's been getting worse. all of my symptoms have, since I left home. I'm currently on welbutrine (150mg), and amnytriptyline for sleep. I also smoke marijuana, which I've done regularly for over two years (I read something yesterday about pot causing psychotic symptoms in people who already predisposed, but it's not nearly every time I smoke, and the paranoia happens when I'm sober). I spend a lot of my time at home. I did at my parents because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, but it continued after I left. along with my paranoia getting worse, I've been having other symptoms of psychosis the past week or so. the last two panic attacks I've had included delusional thinking and halucinations. I haven't straight-up seen anything, but during the first occurrence, I saw the air beside me sort of vibrate. I began hearing different octaves of ringing in my ears, and at one point I could hear a woman vocalizing and the same voice telling me to "listen". during the second panic attack, I thought that someone in the government was listening in on my thoughts. I then realized that they probably heard that, and we're about to kill me. in my head, I tried to reason with them, but came to the conclusion they were already killing me. I felt some sort of hot liquid being poured on my head. I could feel it moving down my scalp, and thought it was poison. then I began to hear really intense ringing in my left ear. I couldn't hear the tv over it, although I could hear my husband moving around on the couch beside me. at that point, I got up and walked onto the porch, and was able to reason myself back to reality. when I went to bed that night I felt like there was something in the room. I have somewhat of an idea of what this.. creature, it's not even human, looks like. i felt like it was there to hurt me. I am currently in therapy, and I see my therapist again in two days. I'm just very, very worried about these symptoms. they're terrifying. any help you can offer is greatly appreciated
  7. hey, i just need some advice and support, i suppose. I was going to post in the schizophrenia forum, but i don't have that diagnosis. in the past year, i've gotten increasingly more paranoid. i used to sit up in bed and stare into the dark corners of rooms, looking for i dont even know what. made me lose a lot of sleep. uh, the main fear i have is that somebody is going to try to murder me. there's nobody obviously trying to kill me. but sometimes i feel like im not alone in my house, and every little noise sounds like footsteps. i've talked to my therapist about it and he tells me its all in my mind. which i completely understand! yet, when it comes down to it, i get very scared and its making it very difficult to concentrate and go about my life. i'm just wondering if anybody else has problems like this, and what i should do to stop that fear from creeping in. thanks lots, good vibes
  8. hi all, i'm new to this forum. i'm not sure where to post what i'm about to type so i thought here would be best, if not i apologise. i'll also try to explain as thoroughly and as coherently as i possibly can, i haven't gained a GCSE in English so forgive me for mistakes in spelling, grammar, punctuation, the way i construct my sentences etc etc... i'd like to point out a TRIGGER WARNING for those that are SENSITIVE to SUICIDE so, don't read this if you are. also, this is a long post so if you aren't interested in someone waffling on, y'know TL;DR (too long; didn't read), all that nonsense, this post may not be for you. with that being said, i'd like to get some advice, opinions or thoughts on my situation from anyone that care enough to read this. - i'm a 25 year old MTF pre-HRT transgender woman that wishes to start HRT and transition into the woman that i feel that i am. i currently live with my family in our family house/home and i want to move out, but i don't have any money or a job. my relationship with all of my family members is strained, the extent of our interaction/communication involves saying a 'hello' or 'morning, how are you?' 'i'm fine/good/doing well/alright etc etc and that's it. i don't have any friends/people that i hang out/go out with or speak to and find it incredible difficult to go out and socialise with others because i have issues with my hearing, which makes things extremely difficult and awkward whenever someone is speaking to me because i always struggle to understand the exact words people are saying to me so, in an effort to not embarrass myself or those that speak to me, i tend to not put myself in position where extended conversation may take place and my life is pathetic, i have nothing of great interest to discuss with anyone, i feel that anybody that i speak to will most likely have friends of their own and a busy life with varied things going on for them. so, for them to speak to me is like, what's the point. i have (undiagnosed) clinical depression and have constant anxiety all the time, everyday because of the aforementioned issues/predicaments. my life is worthless, essentially and the ONLY reason why i haven't ended my life yet is because in these past few months i have been getting counselling and i am due to see a GP about starting HRT, near the end of this month. i feel like i am so close to actually getting the hormones and for whatever reason, should i be denied or refused hormones, i honestly see no point in continuing to be alive. i'd also like to mention that i am fully aware that taking hormones isn't going to fix all of the issues that i have in my life, making it all sunshine and roses, i am aware of that, however i do feel that once i am able to start HRT it could make me feel a bit better about myself and may improve my attitude in general. now, i hope that this post doesn't come across as somebody seeking attention and that everyone should feel pityful, telling me everything is going to be alright etc etc... i genuinely am interested to hear what anyone has to say about what i've said and can offer any advice on what i could do to improve myself if i could say anything that is positive or plans that i have lined up in these upcoming days/weeks is that i have recently been seeing a (or an) career advisor to get some ideas on training courses i could enrol onto (i've never known what i'd like to be doing for a living from a young age & still not 100% sure) and i'll also be trying to arrange an JSA interview. are there any claimants out there that know if i'll be eligible or not to claim the JSA, because i have no personal income or my own. however, i do actually want to be working and earning a living somehow. so, yeah that's it. i will be looking out for any replies that anyone might have. thanks to those who, once again, cared enough to read. (i already feel full of regret for even posting this but i've took the time to write all of this nonsense out so i might as well post and see what comes of it.)
  9. Hello everyone. I've recently been looking for some advice in the relationship area regarding my boyfriend's behavior. I know this is a lot to read, but there is a lot involved and wanted to get the opinions of other people who aren't involved in what's going on. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and from the beginning things have always been pretty great. He's an amazing guy in every way and I absolutely adore him. We both have our issues, of course, we're only human after all. He has been diagnosed with a very mild form of schizophrenia, and we both have anxiety disorders. While our relationship has always been very loving and kind, I have noticed some trends and I thought I might ask a couple questions to see if anyone knows what could be going on first of all, and what I can do to help. I'm not really sure where to begin so I'll just start with explaining things that I've seen myself. The first thing I noticed is that he is EXTREMELY hard on himself. The slightest mistake he might make will set him off, not in an angry way, but rather in the, "Oh no, I'm a fuck up," kind of way. When that happens, it's very, VERY difficult for him to turn his thoughts around. It'll be something as simple as missing a call from me (which we call every day more than once), which to me does not seem like a big deal. However to him, he sees that as him "screwing up" and being "worthless." Which brings me to the next thing I noticed. It took me awhile to notice the severity in this notion he has that he is worthless. I tell him time and time again that he is not worthless, that he means the world to me, and I try to remind him of his friends and family who care so much for him, who would be heartbroken without him. But, from what I think is due to how he was treated during his childhood, he has it practically drilled into his brain that he is worthless, that he will never do anything right, and that he will never be successful. Sometimes I can encourage him out of this funk, but other times it's extremely difficult and I have to spend hours or even days trying to calm him down or distract him with happier things. Now, a little disclaimer here... we never actually fight or argue. Many of our friends and family see our relationship as pretty damn near perfect, and I agree with them. We get along, we support each other, we make each other laugh, we are able to discuss things when we need to for the most part, and settle differences in a calm, mature manner... we've never actually fought each other, or have been against each other. In fact, ANY of the conflicts we've ever had have revolved around one of us (usually him) being too hard on themselves. But the difference is, whereas usually I cool off in a couple minutes and it tends to happen very infrequently, he'll literally be trembling with remorse and fear for something he may not even have caused (For example, a friend being upset for reasons that have nothing to do with either of us, a loss in a team game we're playing, a dropped call, etc)! Lately, he's only been focusing on negative stuff, which is due to stress of current situations at home and work. Suggestions go in one ear, out the other, reassurance is ignored, advice shot down, so in the end, I don't know what to say to him to help cheer him up and he's left feeling terrible, crying, and apologizing to me over and over (by the way, I never really understand why he's apologizing so much, nor do I understand why he should even apologize in the first place. Even when I ask what he's apologizing for, the motif he gives me usually seems completely unreasonable). He feels so miserable almost all the time these days, and it's killing me too because all I want is for him to be happy, for him to realize that he IS a good person and that it's okay to make mistakes. What's scaring me even more is that he's been doing crazy kinds of things as well lately that he never used to do before and it's making me question if I might be in a dangerous situation. Let me just first say that he has NEVER once laid a hand on me, never made any threats, nothing that sounded even remotely like he'd intend to hurt me, so don't get me wrong. For the most part, I don't feel like I'm the one in danger. I'm more worried more about him being a danger to himself. Let me explain. Sometimes, when he's slipping into that funk where he feels like he's screwing up, nothing he does is right, etc, he thinks that he's upset me some how, and he'll slip even deeper, making it that much harder to help him, that much harder for him to calm himself down as well. This really confuses me even more, because I will have literally NO idea why he'd think I'd be upset at him. It's happened in front of our friends before, too, and they'll agree and try to reassure him that I wasn't mad and that everything is okay. When I try to ask him why he thinks I was upset with him, his answer usually has to do with my tone of voice. At first I thought, well, that may be true, I'll keep a better watch on my tone, because that has always been an issue with me (I have a hard time noticing my own tone, so things come off sounding sad when I'm happy, or angry when I'm just indifferent). But even our friends who have seen this happen many a time tell me that my voice doesn't sound any different than when I had been talking with them earlier. I'm pretty sure I don't sound like an angry person naturally, so I have no idea what's really going on, what I should do, or if there is anything I CAN do. On another note, he's had an issue with cutting in the past, but he's been trying really hard to stop. He's been doing very well with it in fact, that he hadn't even cut ONCE in several months. I tell him often how proud I am of him, and how glad it makes me that he's not injuring himself. He says he's proud of himself too. Well, now I'm putting these two things together. Still with me here? A couple nights ago, he thought he had upset me again (and again, with no real warning. Our friends were around), and I didn't even know it was happening at first. He just left the group call we were in. But he messaged me telling me that he was going to leave me alone for awhile and that he was sorry he had upset me, so, alarmed, I called him up and asked what was going on. He was breaking down hard and sounded the most distraught I'd ever heard him. That's when he told me he had cut again. It took me a moment to reply and when I did, I asked if he was okay and I asked why he wanted to cut. He told me that he was a fuck up and that he had upset me again (he counts the times he thinks he has "screwed up" which is very bad, because he's never actually letting anything go!), to which I tried once again to reassure him that he hadn't upset me at all before, but that I was worried about him since he'd cut again. Which is when he suggested something kind of bizarre to me: He said, clearly crying, "I'll cut deeper for you if it'll make you happy." I told him very quickly that I did not want him to ever hurt himself, and that him causing himself pain did not in any way make me "happy," that I wanted him to be pain-free and happy and healthy. After a few hours, I was able to calm him down a bit to the point that he was able to get some sleep, but still, even though he literally did nothing to upset me the first time, he's still beating himself up about it even now. I'm very worried about him. Part of me wants to say that the stress of his current situation is just getting to him, but another part of me says that if it goes on like this, he's going to end up losing his mind or killing himself. While he knows that this worries me, I'm afraid to talk to him about it in too much depth because I think he might slip back into hating himself. I know he needs counseling, and I've suggested it to him. But (and this is due to his schizophrenia, I'm sure, in the same aspect that he usually doesn't want to take his medication) even though I've spoken to him for months on the idea of trying a counselor again to get him some help with his stress, he has not looked for one. I'm to the point where I'm going to be calling up an old counselor of mine and asking her if she knows one that would be good for him, just to give him a little push. I'm actually wondering if the way he's acting is a schizophrenic thing or if this is something entirely different. To be honest, I'm not even sure if he is schizophrenic or if it could be something different, because while no, he doesn't want to take his medication, and while he has hallucinated in the past at random times, I've never seen him have any issues with trusting me or his friends (aside from accepting that he hasn't done anything wrong). He has never questioned whether I was telling the truth, he's always trusted me, he's always been extremely honest with me. He's never been extremely possessive. Needy, yes, possessive, no. But I also know that not all symptoms in schizophrenia are the same in each person it affects. My parent has been worried about me, meanwhile, suggesting that I might not be able to deal with it like I've been doing in the future. And again, here I am arguing with myself because part of me says maybe they're right, but another part of me is reminding me that relationships aren't every perfect, that I have my own issues as well, and that we may be able to get through this. Is it just wishful thinking though? Honestly, I love him more than anything in the world and I really can't imagine life without him there. I always felt like I was alone and different in the world, even to my own friends, until he came along, and suddenly it was like I'd found a member of my own species that I'd thought I would never find. I don't want to lose him.
  10. I need an advice because i can’t think straight anymore and I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. I started having a relationship with a guy who used to be my friend. It took me years to see him as something else then a friend and it all happened so fast that I didn’t know what hit me. Sometimes I still can’t believe that we are together. At the beginning everything seemed to be more or less ok, he was living in another city and we were seeing each other every second week during weekends. But then he started coming more often and each time he came he stayed longer, until we basically moved in together. I started being morbidly jealous, controlling, started doubting each and every word he said, wanted to know his every move, freaked out when he didn’t reply within 5 minutes, got anxious if we don’t hear from each other for more than an hour. I became, clingy, needy, demanding and was always angry, full of rage, aggressive and verbally abusive towards him, I was just like a child going crazy when being away from its mother. I realised something is definitely wrong with me and I immediately seeked help with the therapist. Shortly after, I was diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder. I accepted it and am trying to deal with it and help myself but I fail all the time. This madness has been going on for more than 7 months already. I can’t stand being away from him and it is so tiring and frustrating. Each time he goes back home for his exams it’s a living hell from me. I feel anxious every day the whole day. I try giving him his space that he deserved and need, but I can’t help myself. I am so focused on him and I waste all my time and energy on him and thinking of him. I look for distractions and try to keep myself busy, but it doesn’t help. He was doing all he can to “please” me and meet my unrealistic demands but he is broken too and he can’t go on like this anymore either. Just some weeks ago things started getting a bit better, because I somehow try to control myself and act more or less normal, but the way I feel and the feeling of “restlessness, fear and anxiety” is still there. My stomach turns each time my phone beeps, thinking is it him, or when I think what is he doing, or why is he not replying etc. I expect him to spend every free minute of every day with me, and I seek his attention, affection and confirmation of his love every minute of every day, while knowing all along that it is wrong and that I am just pushing him away from me. I don’t feel like seeing my friends anymore and I don’t have any interests of my own. I became everything he never wanted. I want him to live his life according to my expectations and it is wrong. His interests are computers, programming, games, he loves it and enjoys it and I hate seeing him sitting in front of a pc for more than an hour and can’t help it but give him a hard time about it. I want to save my relationship but I am afraid I don’t know how and if I can deal with this any longer. I can’t go on living if my happiness depends on him and if I can’t do anything else but spend my time being focused on him. I try turning off my phone, so I don’t stare at it all the time, or I try not replying but I always end up turning it on again, checking if he wrote or not. It is so frustrating. I am in my early thirties and I don’t think I behaved this way even when I was a teenager, it is so childish and unreasonable. I made him delete all his female friends and get sick to my stomach even if I think that he might talk to some female...i mean, how stupid is that!! I don’t trust him at all and I don’t know why. I try to figure out why I feel the way I do and if he can really be the reason and the source of it. I often think to myself that if this is what I turn into when I start caring or loving someone, then I am better off alone and not having a relationship at all. It would be nice hearing different opinions or advice of you guys that have maybe been through a similar situation or feel the same way. Thanks p.s sorry for the length of the post, didn't mean to write a book but i tend to get carried away
  11. Problems with my Dad, Advice?

    To really understand what is happening, some background information is needed, so forgive me if this is rather long. My dad and I used to be very close when I was little. My parents are divorced, and when I was 12 my dad decided to try to get custody of me. It was an ugly custody battle and there was a lot of other things going on such as my mom's mom passed away around the same time. I could only imagine the pain she must of felt loosing both her mom and her only child at the same time. She didn't hide how she felt which was heart wrenching for a 12 year old to watch. While she wasn't the best mom, she wasn't the worst either, so I told my dad I did not want to go through with the custody battle anymore. I saw my dad as a strong role model, and my mom by herself, hurting. I couldn't leave her. He tried to tell me it was because she kept begging me not to leave her alone, and while she didn't control her emotions in front of me, those words never came out of her mouth. Never. It was how I felt, and he refused to listen. Choosing sides was just wrong, and no one would give in. That started the complications between my dad and I. He started telling me how I choose her over him. How I always stood up for her. There were times I did, but I am not the type of person to let two people I care about talk nasty things about each other in front of me. I also often warned him whenever I found court papers in my mom's room for her going after him for more child support. I often snooped looking for them so I could tell him. I worried about that stuff with him since he ended up filing bankruptcy. Well, we still saw each other quite often. It was bumpy, but we still maintained some kind of altered relationship until he married his third wife when I was 13 (my parents divorced when I was 4). She hated me. She told me she hated me. I had trouble since I was 7 with mental illness, mostly anxiety until I was 12. The anxiety caused me to stop eating when I got stressed to the point of being hospitalized and picking at my skin causing scars. I was often reminded at how disgusting the scars looked and that I looked diseased, as one example of how they talked down to me. This drove a wedge because what depressed 13 year old would actually want to be around that? By the time I was 17, my dad found out I was cutting and tried for custody again, but I refused to go with him. He humiliated me by demanding an emergency court order, showing everyone my cuts in the court building against my will. I was in such a dark place then. My senior year was a nightmare, worse than any of my family knows. That's when I started the drug abuse, which my mom found out about later. I ended up saying mean things to my dad. I let out a lot of pent up anger and so he decided to back off. When I asked him to come to my high school graduation he refused. He also tended to blame me for things my mom did. For example he tried to give me an old car he had when my truck broke down and my mom told him to go die (my mom was taking medication that made her aggressive and loopy for a couple years). I was sent to my room during the argument (I was 17). He blamed me for that. My mom told me he wasn't giving it to me, that he was trying to sell it to her. That kind of broke the rest of the relationship we had. Those were some of the major events anyway. I've tried making contact with him after a little time went by. He often would complain to my grandparents how I never would contact him. I didn't very often, but I made a few attempts at phone calls and text messages, hoping he would do the same in return, but that never happened. I was never sure if I should try more often to expect him to start a conversation first, but talking to him and meeting up with him is always so difficult. He is not always very friendly to me. He still says things like, you don't want me in your life, you always side with your mom, you don't need me to things more like: you are a nightmare to be around, and even recently, I hope your baby doesn't have your horrible personality. So making these attempts is difficult, but I do every once in awhile and I suppose that is not good enough since he goes to my grandparents and tells them how I don't want him around. I've also caught him lying a lot lately. When I found out that I was first pregnant, I wanted an abortion, and I thought talking to my dad and including him would make him feel important and needed. So I did, but I did so making him promise not to tell my grandparents who mean the world to me, that I would tell them when I am ready and wasn't going to until I knew what I was going to do for sure. He ended up telling them and told me that he told them Christmas Eve. At the time he told them, I was still thinking about not keeping the baby, and almost didn't. If he had told them that and then they found out what had happened if I didn't keep the baby.... I don't even want to think of what would happen. I felt so betrayed. I had also told my mom by that point. Her and I have become closer since not living under the same roof. She finally let me 'grow up' so her controlling side is gone. She also came off those meds that made her aggressive, and I couldn't be happier with that. My mom handled the news very well and was nothing but helpful and supportive. She got me to go see the doctor for the first time and paid for it out of pocket since my insurance hadn't kicked in yet. Yet, my dad lied to my grandparents after I told him this and told them how she took it terribly. I never told my grandparents I knew he lied to them, but I did tell them what the truth was when they asked how my mom took it. For awhile, I thought I was so fed up with him at this point. I never confronted him about any of that. I don't know how, nor do I think it is a good idea. I think the best thing to do is try to talk to him more and make him feel more involved, but even after all of that, he still complained. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. He doesn't tell me anything and gets angry when I get upset over certain things he says. He responds to any emotional response with things like, I should of known better than to talk to you about stuff like this, with a harsh attitude. Like he is angry at me for certain topics being too difficult for me to discuss. So when I try to talk to him about specific things or even in general, he gets very angry and defensive at me and I end up in tears, making him more furious with me and yelling at me. I've learned just to try to make contact, but like I said, it doesn't usually seem to go well and some how I end up getting hurt most of the time when I try to involve him or talk to him. I've even gone to visit him while he was on a short term job in the same state as me (2 hours away), but he never came to see me once, or even ask to. Most recently, I invited him and his girlfriend to my baby shower that my best friend is throwing. Instead of telling me he is too busy with his new job, his girlfriend (who is younger than me, which is difficult for me to accept, but I have been), sends me a message to let me know for him. The only thing I can think of is to take more of a stand and put more effort into trying, but it is so hard to try any harder when he acts this way to me. Thanks to anyone who actually read all of this.
  12. Hi, My dad has suffered from depression for a very long time (and possibly also bipolar). Unfortunately he will not share his diagnosis with any of his family members. He had tried every combination of antidepressants, but nothing seemed to work. Last year he started to take Deplin and his depression greatly improved, although the Deplin seems to have heightened everything about his personality and at times he seems manic. In recent months he's become irritable and verbally abusive to his closest family members and most recently started to become physically abusive, pushing my mother during an argument. I've known my dad all his life and he has never had any abusive tendencies. He gave me multiple long lectures as a kid about how it was never right to put your hands on a women, yet he's done a complete 180 in the last year. I fear that the Deplin (which is the one thing that has pulled him out of his depression) is now causing him to act irrationally and have increased irritability and anger. He's recently stopped going to his pdoc and continues to tell everyone how Deplin has cured him, yet his family members know a very different story. I'm looking for anyone who has had any similar experiences with Deplin and any general advice anyone can give. I certainly don't want him to go off the Deplin and spiral into depression, but I fear if he continues to take it that he'll do serious damage to his relationships with myself and others. Thanks to anyone who has read this. I'm hopeful my family can figure this out and we can get him back to a place of stability.
  13. So.. I'm 21 years old and I've been in and out of treatment since I was 16. I'm a junior in college-- a year behind where I should be-- and I had therapy this morning and impulsively told my therapist that I was done with it all. I just spent 60 days of my summer at a residential program. I feel really frustrated. I invested my summer in this program and I'm not even at midterms yet and I'm already barely functioning (think: in bed for 4 days straight, only getting up to use the bathroom). It's not good. And it's been 5 years of not feeling good... and when I do feel good, I know that I'm going to lose the feeling quickly. I don't want to pay for therapy anymore because it's not helping. I don't know what else to do. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday but I'm ready to taper off my meds and stop those too. I feel like if I'm going to be miserable, I don't need to be spending so much money every month to do it. I'm at a dead end nad I don't know what to do.
  14. So, I've lately been having a lot of trouble with sleep. I'm not sure if this is new or if I've always had the trouble, and am just now finally getting back on track. ** I have recently started taking trazidone 100mg for sleep, but read below to see the details. The history: My sleep schedule has been pretty screwed lately. Bear in mind I have to get up at 6:00 and 6:30 most days: Go to sleep at 11:30, 12:00, 9:00, 1:00, 1:45, 10:00, 9:45 -- these are a sample of sleep schedules I've had in the past. All getting up by the same time of course. I've recently been put on 100 mg of trazidone. It's really helped -- once I've been asleep I get knocked out, so that's great. However, it's not helping me get to sleep anymore. It used to knock me out within 15 minutes. Now I haven't really changed my habits but it's taking about 20-30 minutes, if not more, to get to sleep. And sometimes it takes as long as 45 minutes. ... or an hour. I normally try and put on some relaxing music and do all the other "right" stuff. I make sure all the blanket, etc... I've been pretty active during the day too, I work about 7 hours a day and volunteer on Tuesday nights too (Tuesday nights I always sleep well). The question becomes: I'm not getting good with going right to sleep. I don't want it to take an hour to get to sleep, that's exhausting. I'm going to work on shutting off my computer earlier, so that should hopefully help, but ... should I talk to my doc about increasing my medicine dose (100 mg of trazidone) and work on sleeping habits or just work on sleepy habits? To best describe about how I feel about sleeping I leave you with Calvin and Hobbes (and yes, I feel like both of them.) http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2011/08/25 Any advice?
  15. Hi y'all, I'm having a problem and I really am at a loss. I don't know what else to do. My boyfriend and I have plans to get married in April, we're both going to be 29 this year. I'm feeling like I don't know if I can go forward because of this problem involving his best friend. I introduced them a little over a year ago. They talk on the phone and text several times a day. He lends the friend money whenever he needs it. We live downtown and don't have a car, so he calls this guy first if he needs a ride, every time. They go party together twice a week or so. I really didn't have any sort of problem with any of this until I realized that the friend had no respect for me. It built up over time with small things and now I just don't want him anywhere near me. After attempts to squash hipster-racist and ignorant mysoginistic jokes in my house my concerns are laughed off and the jokes continue. This fella obviously doesn't respect me and tells my guy all kinds of things about me and my depression that 1) aren't true and 2) put a wedge in my relationship with my guy. I got yelled at a couple of months ago by the friend over a conversation that took place in my home with a few mutual friends. My boyfriend never stepped in to say that the things he was yelling at me for saying came from my boyfriend's mouth first. The friend told me I was wasting my life (I've been struggling lately and have stayed home a lot for the last few months) and when I told him to get out of my house he said that technically my boyfriend paid all of the bills here (untrue) so that I couldn't kick him out. I still kicked him out. Oh, he told my boyfriend that my crying fits/panic attacks are a "bipolar ruse" (I'm not bipolar) and not to "fall for it." I'm not sure what he means by that, but really, he isn't a doctor the last I checked. I've had multiple sit down talks with my guy about this situation. I know that I've tried to communicate about it. I try to look at the situation and break it down in pieces and try to tell whether or not I'm feeling this way because of external forces or if it is all inside myself. My feelings at this point are that 1) their relationship is unhealthy, 2) if this friend were a woman that it would be considered inappropriate, 3) if I had a friend who treated my guy like I've been treated they would cease to be my friend, and 4) the way they cling to one another it makes me feel like a third wheel in my own relationship. I'm trying to evaluate whether or not those feelings match reality, or if I'm just a victim of my own brain. I'm starting to think that I just get mad at the friend because it's easier than being angry at the man I love. Since my boyfriend knows how I feel, and I've requested space several times over the last 4 months and not gotten it, that the problem lies with my boyfriend. He obviously sees something in this overgrown man-child. I don't know quite what to say about it or how to say it, since I'm starting to feel like I can't marry someone who doesn't seem to care for how I feel. He loves me, calls me his family, is helping me to get help for my depression, but just doesn't seem to understand that I am serious about this. Bless your heart if you got through that mess. Thanks for reading.
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