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Found 386 results

  1. Hey all, As the title states, I am new here. I am 28 years old, and My girlfriend who I have recently moved in with recommended I give this board a go, as I am notoriously closed off when it comes to my feelings, etc when it comes to this sort of thing. For most of my life, I was not a worrier. I remember my anxiety really started to surface my 2nd or 3rd year in college. To be totally honest, I spent many many years just drowning it out with whatever I could get my hands on. Mostly Marijuana, as I was never a big drinker ( havent had a drink in 8-9 years to this point). When I was younger, I have a bad car accident that fractured 4 of my vertebrae and was on painkillers for nearly 6 years before I couldn't take living prescription tp prescription and took myself out of pain management and looked for some different natural alternatives (currently Kratom manages my pain well enough). For some reason, as of late, as ion the last year or so, my anxiety has gotten worse to the point where it is getting nearly uncontrollable, which it has not been to this point. I should mention that I was raised in a VERY, VERY conservative, old, southern household where "talking" about how you felt or feeling depressed/anxious was viewed as "nonsense", or a "weakness" so it was always extremely difficult, if not impossible to talk about that sort of thing if I was able to talk about it at all. In most cases, I simply just had to bury it and move on with my life and "just deal with it" as I was told by my parents, etc. I think it just gotten to the point where SO much anxiety had been allowed to fester and its just boiling over, no more room to bury more, as it were. I have never had what I would describe as a "panic attack" in my first almost 25 years of my life. I had anxiety, sure but nothing really major in my estimation. Over the last few years, starting about 2 years back, I have started having what I THINK are panic attacks. I should go to the Dr. but as I mentioned, my upbringing has made it very difficult to convince myself that was something that I needed. Thankfully, my GF has convinced me to make an appointment to talk to a professional, but I have to wait almost 2 months to get in to see the person so was just looking for some tips in the meanwhile. Most recently , I have been having awful bouts of thinking my slightest aches and pains are the worst case scenario. I have a sore throat or feel like I have a lump in my throat? My god, I have throat cancer/lymphoma. I was worrying so much every day that I developed some pretty rough chest pains, which OF COURSE I very intelligently self-diagnosed as a heart attack one night and had a FULL BLOWN panic attack, couldn't sit still, nausea, hard of breathing, hot and cold flashes, the works. And today in particular, I have just felt completely unmotivated and just in the dumps when I shouldn't be. I'm moving in with my GF full time next week, starting a new career, just graduated school, this SHOULD be an awesome time for me, but its the polar opposite and its just miserable. Things I would normally love to do don't interest me in the slightest (I just got a Nintendo Switch and its AWESOME when im in a good space) no matter how much i try on SOME days. If anyone out there has had any similar symptoms, similar anxiety issues, is there anything that works for you at home that helps you calm down, keep things in perspective? I'm just looking for some tips to sort of tide me over until i see the Dr. Actually dealing with this is an ENTIRELY new territory for me, as is voicing how i feel whatsoever. Just looking for some advice/tips from folks who may have some more experience dealing with this sort of thing as compared to me. Sorry for the really long post/long read and thanks for reading. Hope everyone has a great day/night and thanks. Trystyn
  2. Hello again.

    Hello again friends. It has been a few years. I was HaloGirl66. Or IndyMode. I can't remember. But I re-registered because I couldn't recover my old user info. I've had severe insomnia, ADHD, GAD & Migraines for years and am now going through a bipolar diagnosis. So hello again. -Mandy
  3. Hello everyone! Where to begin... I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now). Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt. Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding. I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join). The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
  4. I bought a bottle of CBD water soluble solution to help with anxiety, but I think I suffer more with depression currently. Any others out there trying just about anything for help? I'm even considering getting a medical marijuana card and some marijuana for my depression and lack of motivation here in Florida. The process isn't cheap though and I don't want to bother unless I can hear from some trusted folks that it can help. I am first trying the CBD oil since it is legal due to not containing any THC. I would be interested in a discussion on these topics. I am surprised these aren't already topics here. I am at my wits end trying to find a fucking AD that works.
  5. I’ve been dealing with an episode of anxiety and depression since the beginning of January. Despite having had some similar episodes in the early 2000s, I was anxiety and depression free from 2008 until January. I have increase my Paxil dose to 40mg (I was on 30mg for the last 10 years) and I’ve added Lamictal. Just gotten up to the 100 mg range 3 days ago, so hopefully I will balance out soon! In my quest to feel better and get my life back on track, I started researching additional options and came across TMS. I had a consultation and managed to convince my insurance to cover 36 visits (yay!). I had my first visit to get set up on March 5th and then went on vacation. I felt quite a bit better throughout March so I decided to delay starting TMS. Unfortunately the anxiety and depression has returned. I start TMS on Monday. They only had one appointment for me next week, though they said they’ll probably get some cancellations, but I’d love to hear from anyone who’s done this and who can share their experience. I’m not afraid of the treatment, just that it won’t help. Did you go 5 days a week? My doctor says between 2 and 3 days a week will have the same effect. I’ve read some stories on here, but they’re all a couple years old, so I’m hoping for some more recent accounts. Thank you in advance!!
  6. In January of this year I woke up with a panic attack completely out of the blue. Despite several episodes of anxiety and depression in my 20s, my last episode was back in 2008! At that time I went through a year or so of therapy, committed to staying on 30mg of Paxil, and I never looked back. I honestly would have said I was cured! The panic attack led to a period of anxiety that lasted right through February. I upped the Paxil to 40mg and worked with a psychiatrist who suggested adding Lamictal. We started at 25mg for 2 weeks, 50mg for 2 weeks, and then 75mg. I started noticing a positive difference at about a week on 75mg. A few days later, the anxiety and depression just lifted! It was like I had my life back. For nearly a month I felt great, and believed the Lamictal must have made the difference. Unfortunately, it didn't last. About a week ago something minor triggered anxiety in me, and again it has lasted! My psychiatrist recommended going up to 100mg of Lamictal, so I started that two days ago. My question is, does lamictal work and then wear off if it's not at the right level? Has anyone had success with an SSRI and lamictal for anxiety and depression, not related to bipolar disorder? Can anyone offer advice on how to keep the faith with these medication changes, or how to overcome anxiety? Looking for others who get it, and want to help!
  7. I hope this is the right thread for this. Today we took our kids to an Easter Egg drop. There were sooooooo many people there. We had 5 of our 7 kids with us ranging in ages of 4 year old twins, 10 year old, and two 13 year olds. When the "hunt" started, one of my toddlers disappeared into the crowd. We knew a lot of the people at this church so at first I didn't worry because I knew he would reappear as people moved. When he did not, I started to worry. After several minutes I was bawling and trying really hard not to freak out. In one of those moments my perception of everything around me changed. It was....wavy? vagely blurry? It was different. I felt foggy. I don't really know how to better explain it, but nothing felt real (and still does not). We did eventually find him, he had wandered off to another age section of eggs.... <3 I have had this unrealism happen off and on since I was a teenager. It lasted much longer at a time then, but the first time I remember it happening I was around a lot of people then too. I'm categorizing this as a part of my anxiety flaring up. I just feel like I "cracked" if that makes sense. I feel like I am kind of on a precipice of sorts, but I am watching everything that happens from a distance, or through holes in a wall. I am confusing myself trying to explain this lol. How do you cope with this? What does it usually mean for you? What generally causes it for you?
  8. Hello, As the title suggests, I'm new to this forum. I decided to give google a search for such a thing because I've reached sort of a dead end. I have quite the history with anxiety disorder/panic disorder, but had been doing quite well. Then February 28th hit me like a ton of bricks and I've not been right since. Currently on clonazepam, depakote, seroquel (just added to start tonight). Other DX include schizoaffective disorder and OCD. Maybe other things, but I haven't read my eFile in forever because... why? This go-round has been rough. I've tried beta blockers and something called hydroxyzine HCL (did almost nothing but make me sleep, but when you have anxiety 24/7, I accepted it with glee!). I'm housebound. I literally cannot leave my yard or I have a panic attack. Initially, my bubble was broad and I could drive and go where I wanted but had to be cautious. This has changed now. I can't drive or ride in a vehicle at all (had a bad motorcycle accident a few years back and my doctor thinks that's why). So, I stay in the house all day and I do housework like a freaking boss and take care of the kids so that my wife doesn't feel burdened. I used to be able to cope well. I could feel that anxiety/panic switch flipping and I could smash that switch and carry on about my day. I can't do that anymore. I just feel stuck. What's working for any of you? What medicine could I talk about with my doctor if this seroquel deal doesn't work. I'm at a loss and at times have felt suicidal. Those thoughts still come, but I push them away with full force since my 9 year old (birthday today, actually) made me a get well card and started crying about me being "sick." Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Be well!
  9. Hello, I'm new to the boards and could use some suggestions. 15 years ago I was diagnosed by my PCP with generalized anxiety and depression. Although I've been this way as long as I could remember. My anxiety causes my depression. I originally was started on Paxil, which turned me into a zombie. Then I was on Celexa, for a number of years, as it stopped working, my dosage was upped each time until my Dr said I was at the highest dose. So she changed me to Lexapro w/ Buspar, the Lexapro worked for awhile, but I had to drop the Buspar as it made my bruxism worse when I slept. Eventually the Lexapro stopped working. I switched from my PCP to a Psychiatrist, in hopes of getting more targeted care. The first one misdiagnosed me and was insistent that I was Bipolar and prescribed me Latuda. I took it because I thought, "Well....what If he's right?" Which was a nightmare. Not only was I not able to stay awake during the day, but it put me in a manic state which I had never experienced before. I again, switched psychiatrists, this one prescribed me Wellbutrin + Zoloft. I was on it for a month. And was not feeling any relief. So she tapered me off the Zoloft. So now I'm just on the Wellbutrin. And not only is my anxiety through the roof, it makes me jittery and edgy. And the last three weeks, I've cried every day. Although the crying is over a breakup, I'm positive that my meds are not helping. throughout all of this...all of these drugs have zapped my libido. It's a catch 22. Do I want to feel normal and not have any interest in having sex? Or do I want to be anxious and depressed all the time and not feel like having sex? I've taken the GeneSight test in hopes the results would tell me what would work best...But it just breaks the drugs down by categories of Use as directed, Moderate gene-drug interaction, and Significant gene-drug interaction. In which nothing fell into the last category. I hoped that it would narrow it down so I wouldn't have to keep this trial and error up. I don't want to take anything for anxiety that I could become addicted to (Benzos). And as far as antidepressants, I'm running out of options. I've thought of trying Celexa again to see if it would work. It worked last time for 5 years before I had to increase it. It does fall into the moderate gene-drug interaction column on my report for "Genotype may impact drug mechanism of action and result in reduced efficacy." As far as antidepressants listed as suggested, I've tried Wellbutrin, which clearly isn't working. Then there's Pristiq, Fetzima, Emsam, and Vibryd. Which I have not tried yet. Any suggestions on which one I should try next? Hopefully something that doesn't make me a zombie, cause increased anxiety, or make me cry every day, or zap my entire sex drive? I know. I'm asking a lot. Also noted, I have started DBT in hopes that it will help as well. Hopefully, one day, I can be med free. (A girl can dream.)
  10. Hey there! I've been having a very difficult week. I've been on lexapro and klonopin for depression and anxiety for 3 years and the lexapro has plateaued in the last year or so, so my pdoc decided to put me on Abilify about a week ago and it has SUCKED. I'm not feeling any of the positive effects of the meds yet, which I understand because sometimes it takes a while. BUT i have been feeling a whole bunch of negatives. Theres a general brain slowness, like forming sentences and thoughts takes much longer than usual, like if my train of thought were a real train, there is now a huge parachute on the back slowing it down. The WORST side effect so far has been the derealization. I'm familiar with it as it is a side effect of my anxiety. I can't tell if it is a direct effect of the abilify or if the meds are causing more anxiety which is then causing derealization. The thing is, I haven't been feeling much more anxious than usual recently. It's like the derealization comes over me first and then the anxiety follows. Has anyone experienced this on Abilify? If so, did it go away eventually? Did you switch meds? Nothing seems real and I'm getting very very tired of it.
  11. I hate how my anxiety makes me overthink everything. Here lately, my relationship especially. It intrudes into my head and it makes me wanna say, "who do you think you are, coming into my head, and making me feel these negative thoughts?!" Like, really, who!? That might sound strange, but it's truly how I feel. I hate feeling unsure of my relationship. It makes me feel ill. I've been trying to take my meds consistently lately, I missed the day I had counseling...which is odd because we talked about my inconsistency of taking my meds. We've been together a little over a year now, which is pretty new for me. Never had a relationship last that long. Maybe I'm scared I'll get hurt or something? But, I know I won't. A lot of it is the whole "what if he isn't good for me?" spiel. My parents aren't very fond of what he does for work, but he does his best to take care of us, and put up with my anxiety and other issues. All in all he's pretty great, but my brain makes me want to over analyze everything and I wish I could make it shut up. My mom said she thinks it's making me realize that my relationship isn't healthy or something to that effect. Does anyone else have issues like this with their relationships? I saw a blog post about it from a girl who also suffered from GAD and I cried. It explained everything I've felt for so long when it comes to relationships, or at least this one. I feel like I'm alone in these feelings, usually. I know these feelings aren't normal, and I don't like them
  12. Hello everyone. I haven't been here for awhile. I am feeling pretty bad so i am reaching out. I would appreciate any comforting words of wisdom. It'sthe same old thing :strong anxiety, think everyone hates me, feeling completely alone and abandoned, pervasive negative thoughts, certain that I will always feel this way, kind of want to die(I am not at risk for suicide). ANXIETY! I am trying to get connected with the part of me who has some perspective but so far that part does not seem available. I just really fucking hate this!
  13. I tapered of ativan because I felt like it was making me like the energizer bunny. I would start reading a book, 15 min later do dishes, 20 min later go on a run, 10 minutes into the run get tired of it, go inside watch a tv show for 10 min, then do something else. I couldn't focus on one damn thing at a time. Well I refilled the prescription and I felt great yesterday and the day before but now I actually feel more anxious. Not exactly anxiety per se, but almost like an agitation that makes me on edge, makes me worry more. I function better. Showering, cleaning, not daydreaming all day or dissociating. But I just hate the rotten feeling of agitation and not being able to relax. Would a longer acting benzo help? Such as klonipin. This was the same thing I experienced on xanax except no agitation but more energizer bunny and 15 incremental sessions all day. But this time I keep worrying, I can't be patient, little things annoy me. I'm getting frustrated even thinking about thinking about it.
  14. My Dr recommended that I try ketamine for my depression. I have bipolar 1, anxiety and depression. I've heard of this being a street drug so I'm nervous to try it. I wondered about others experiences.
  15. I just started Busar yesterday (2.5 mg twice a day) and am experiencing a terrible headache accompanied by blurred vision, dizziness, and thinking difficulties. It basically feels like the front of my brain is in a headachy fog. I wanted to know 1) Has any one else experienced this with Buspar and how long did it take to go away? 2) How do you continue taking medication when it feels like you're poisoning your body? - Is it worth it? Does it go away?
  16. So I met a guy who I really liked. We went on a few dates, then I ended up spending the night last night. Once I got home, he texted me and asked me what medications I took this morning, which I was honest. He said that hasn’t scared him away, but he has been distant and stopped texting me. I know the answer, but it just makes me depressed how stigmatized we are as a community and I wish I never spent the night with him. I’m sorry for the long rant. Anyone else experience anything similar while dating?
  17. Driving makes me so anxious I can't deal with it. I have panic attacks and some times I disassociate. I've decided that I can't do it anymore right now. My therapist says I shouldn't quit and I need to power through it or the anxiety will win, but it's just too much. Besides, I don't think it's safe to drive when I start disassociating or panicking and not paying attention to the road. There's not always a safe place to pull over if I start freaking out. Maybe I'm exaggerating the safety concerns because I don't want to do it though. I don't know. I know it will be a hardship for my family. My spouse and kids don't drive, so we will be reliant on the in-laws for rides, which makes me feel guilty, but I think it's for the best for me right now. Thoughts?
  18. Three days ago I felt like there was mold growing in my brain and it was controlling my thoughts. I am now in a time of feeling a little less crazy, but I know in 30 minutes that might change again. Yesterday, I was waiting for someone to drive me home from church and I started believing the whole church was a cult and all religion is a mind control cult, which some people believe this but its not normal for me. I grew up in church. It made me feel very afraid. Then I started believing that demons were in my brain because of the mold in my brain. I tried to call my old pastor about this and he just reassured me that this is a mental health issue but I cant trust him. I cant trust anybody right now. The only person I trust is my therapist I am seeing tomorrow. I feel like something catachlysmic is coming. The last week every morning I check the news on my phone to see if a nuke hit. I feel like I'm one of the only people going to heaven and I am having a hard time trusting anyone else. I have also been having weird dreams, nightmares. I have lost touch with my normal self. I take geodon and feel less paranoid but that wears off after a few hours. Ativan helps too, but not that much.
  19. Hi everyone, Just joined this forum, but I used to be a member of the old crazymeds site, which I found very helpful. I am a 44 year old male, and have been on a combo of Sertraline and Wellbutrin for close to five years now after a severe nervous breakdown. I recently decided to try weaning myself off the medication, mostly because I have never found my ability to concentrate has been quite as good since I went on the medication. What a mistake. I experienced crushing depression once I completely stopped, and went back on just the Wellbutrin to see if it would improve. It didn't, so I restarted my 100mg of Sertraline. I have just now taken my twelfth daily dose and since about day four, I have had TERRIBLE anxiety. I feel like there is a lump of lead in my gut, I'm sweating, I have tremors, my mind is racing -- I'm in a pretty bad way. I've booked an appointment at a psychiatrist but the first available slot is a week from today. I feel absolutely terrible. I'm posting here for two reasons: the first is to know if anyone else has experienced such severe anxiety with the commencement of Sertraline, and the second is just for some support. I feel very alone. My wife doesn't understand mental illness and my anxiety just seems to anger her, so I have to try and conceal it. I could really use some understanding just now. Thanks in advance, I appreciate your time.
  20. So basically im dead inside. I currently being emotionaly dull, i cant feel any motivation or desire to live, despite that im still doing my everyday things, going to college, working out, doing my usual duties and chores. The thing is that i have an schizoid disorder, and im very paranoid. I posted in addiction because one of the most destructive things is my addction to many things. I smoke, not weed, regular cigarettes, the thing is that my parents think that i quited smoking but i dont, i wanna quit to, i hate it, and i hate it because my parents are well known religious leaders in my town and a lot of people know them and know me, when i smoke outside im always paranoid, i dont wanna live this way, my paranoia is getting worse but i always end up smoking again because my friends smoke and i always fall but i wanna quit. If my parents get to know that i still smoke they probably stop paying my colleges fees, a lot of people know them and can snitch on me. I have this fight, i cant keep going anymore, at the same time smoking helps me cope whit my side effectos made by my antipsychotics, but they dont understand, they always judge merciless even do im an adult in my twenties. Can anyone give advice, all advice is very helpful.
  21. I don't know what to do. I hurt, emotionally, so bad. I have anxiety, sever insomnia and depression troubles. Along with pinched nerves, injured vertabre and arthritis. I'm 35. I have three kids and I've been married for 15 years. So many of my problems surround my relationship with my husband. I know everything is not his fault, I've always had abandonment issues. I was adopted and raised by my paternal grandmother, I was lucky to have her. She was every thing to me but sadly she passed away in 2013. I took care of her until she passed. Losing her crippled me for a long time but finally I'm working through it. I had a son at 16 who I kept and raised with the help of my mom. The father was just as young and not around. I felt horrible he didn't have a father so when I was pregnant with my 2nd son I married the man. More than a lot had to do with wanting my son to have a dad, the 2nd one, and the guilt over my first was always there. At first things were pretty good. He cared and tried. Over time I saw the caring and trying only went so far. I didn't know before hand about his own mental issues, sever depression and bipolar. They began to read their ugly heads and se3mongly turned him into someone else. He was always angry, we had to walk on egg shells always worrying when he would fill and turn into angry dad. Despite these troubles I always knew he still cared and loved us. One day I had to remind him that my first son was just a kid. They never got along and he was always distant to him but he was never abusive. He never isolated him out of made him different. I could just tell that he felt different about him. I had to tell him to live my son like he loved his niece and nephew. That seemed to make sence to him and he tried. Now, I know and see that he just wasn't able to. Over time our relationship suffered and got worse. We would have the worst arguments. Crap happened on both sides. We were both hurt and we were hurtling each other, even if we didn't mean to. Honest. It should have ended there. It didn't. We had a 3rd son and my husband got laid off the best job he ever had. It would be his last serious job, all the following ones were short lived. His depression was getting worse and I couldn't get him to a doctor. Then we lost insurence and had no hope of getting him to a doctor. He became so controlling, so angry and manipulative. He would say the worst things to me, throw things at me and be as cruel as you can get without physically harming me. He wore me down to nothing. I was never depressed before all this. Anxiety, yes but depression, no. Between three kids, an abusive husband and a dying mother, I was losing myself. I had left school when my mom took a turn for a worst so I could be with her more but I wanted so much for myself so I enrolled in online school to finish my B.A. I did finish my degree but not until a few months after her death. While she was getting worse my husband took more or a role in caring for her, I had to sleep sometime. When she got bed ridden she also lost some of her mental alertness. She had to be changed and for the life of her she wouldn't let me change her, he had to do it. He uses it against me ever argument. We argue all the time. He just goes off and every once in a while I just can't take it anymore. I'll argue back. It got so bad that my first born, who is about 16 at this point, would want to protect me. I am so ashamed at my own weakness. I never wanted his to spill over to the kids. I was stupid. Now my first born was the only one I had that felt like was on my side. I always felt alone and I always had to protect my son from my husband. He wouldn't say anything to him but by this point the boy could feel the difference, my husband just didn't love the boy. My husband grew up with an abusive mother that made him and his sister believe that their halfsisters weren't people and didn't count as family. That's how he treated my son, he was there because of the other two and he had to care for the other. I am so ashamed. My first born is 19 now. He moved out a month after graduation. He lives in the same town and we see each other ocassionally but he barly talks to me. He living his life I know but he never say hi or goodbye. I tell him I love him through Facebook, he looks at it so that's something. In am paying for my weakness. I hope one day he will forgive me. I won't give up on him, I'll always be here loving him. My husband has not gotten any better. In 2015 he somehow got poisoned and lost his vision. For the longest we had no income. Things were horrible and he was getting worse. Arguments everyday, the I'm sorries followed by the fear of an9ther argument. It was a cycle and still is. One minute I'm a great wife and if you wait 5 minutes he will be stomping down the hall mad as he'll about nothing. He scares me. He destroys the house, breaks everything he can get his hands on. It's always me trying to get him. I left the price of paper on the floor trying to get him to slip. I also put random tacks on the floor for him to step on, I move the salt so he puts too much pepper on his food, I am always out to get him. He gets so mad he hurts the animals, he has shut the cats in the door just because they were trying to come in. He threw one cat against a free. I tried getting rid of all the animals to protect them but he just brings home more. I am not allowed a dog because he is a cat person. I am not allowed to work because he won't know where I am. Last job I had he had to take me everyday just to make sure I was actually working. He accused me of sleeping with everyone, and I mean everyone, there. I couldn't talk to anyone without being yelled at. One time he made my shirt off in the parking lot to make sure I didn't have another one under it. I have herniated disks in my neck and low back and I can't lift somethings, he won't help me with anything. We got a flat tire and had to pull the van over. Because wouldn't help me find a new tire, I don't know anything about them but he does, by the time I found everything the van was towed. I have no money of my own, just his disability. He doesn't want to pay to get the van out. He won't pay for insurance or anything like that but he won't let me work. I've gotten tickets because of insurence and registration. He would make me feel guilty for having to pay any thing and for the last he just refused to. I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do but I can't. Right before Christmas 2017, I asked him to go. I couldn't take it all any more. He wouldn't go. He locked me in the bathroom and wouldn't let me out. When I got out he hit me. I escaped and ran next door to my uncle's and called the police. So did he. They talked to him and our 8 year old son. He made my son say he saw me hit myself. I was almost arrested because my husband hit me and lied about it. I ended up with a horribly bruised eye, a fractured zygomatic bone and other contusions to my face. The bruise has gone away but nothing else has. I am resound to protect my kids from this, my two kids at home are 15 and 9. I need to get out from under this. I have days where I can't leave my room because of my own anxiety and I imagine PTSD and I work my way though it. I know I can be the person I need to be but I am so scared all the time. I just don't see where the steps are. Lastly he has been spending the sparce money we do have on video games. He has not bought our children anything, except games, I'm about two years. I don't know where to go from here. I'm so lost.
  22. So I have been on xanax 1mg two to three times daily for about 1-1.5 years now; Paxil is great and I don't need xanax when on paxil but it makes me manic as hell so that isn't really an option. Been thinking whether Zoloft would be any different.... Anyway, still on xanax same dosage, but just doubled my valium from 10mg at night to 20mg at night because I was waking up from sleep with difficulty breathing and panic symptoms. I asked to try ativan, eliminate the antipsychotic i use for sleep mainly since ativan 2mg really helps with insomnia, and get rid of the valium. Well she said lets try increasing the valium first then we will go from there. Valium honestly does nothing for me. At 10mg I legit feel nothing. It takes at least 40-60mg for minimal anxiety relief. I respect its long half-life but if it's not benefiting much for sleep, or other anxiety problems in the morning I feel like why should I continue it. Switching to ativan 2mg at bedtime could get me off valium and saphris for sleep (would love to not be on an antipsychotic mainly for sleep anyway). Ativan very little to no next day drowsiness, cognitive impairment, lethargy, flat mood. Refreshing sleep is what ativan gives me. Any ideas why the dr might be pushing for valium instead even after I explained it doesn't help for sleep, for anxiety, only thing it is good for is if i dont take my xanax for 1-2 weeks and I wont have a seizure, but my neurologist said lamital should cover that since it's an anticonvulsant. I don't know whether to stay on 2 benzos as the same time, whether it's xanax and valium or xanax and ativan, or to ask for an increase in xanax to maybe 5-6mg/day in divided doses, maybe 2mg twice per day and 1mg once per day, or 2mg 3x a day. My neurologist said if you need to be on these types of medications than it is warranted and pretty much OK in my case. Klonopin sucks, not as much as valium, but it does barely anything for anxiety, esp. panic, or sleep. Makes me have a depressed mood actually, while xanax uplifts my mood and helps me enjoy life without having anxious mood and panic attack symptoms. Ativan just makes me drowsy so I prefer that for sleep. My main question is regarding how i could proceed. Adding ativan, stopping valium maybe saphris, or upping xanax dose and being on only one benzodiazepine. I do have a tolerance so higher doses than 1mg sometimes are needed to stop anticipatory anxiety, avoidance anxiety, and esp. panic attacks. Restoril doesn't help with sleep surprisingly. Never tried triazolam but would love to due to its short half-life and potency/efficacy for insomnia, but my dr thinks it wouldn't be a good idea. Dr says stims may be increasing my anxiety but don't think that is the case. Really want an effective benzo combo or pick to be on xanax only, just at a higher dose. My parents think its crazy to take 3 xanax a day but it's what helps and lets me live life. Somtimes i take more than prescribed because 1mg will not help my symptoms. I just want to be on a stable dose, whether its xanax 3mg xr 1x daily with 1mg 3x daily or 2mg 3x daily. Something has got to give, and the hardest part is even bringing up increasing my xanax dose with my dr because of its bad reputation since everyone seems to abuse it nowadays. I'm ready to take a trip to mexico and take a visit to their pharmacies...
  23. I’ve been dealing with major depressive disorder and anxiety for several years now. I’ve read a lot of books on psychology and neurology. But I’ve only recently started seeing a psychiatrist. I was getting prescriptions from general physicians. Currently I’m on Wellbutrin and it works great for my depression but my anxiety still shows up. I told my doctor that it feels like an under-lying current. The anxiety is constant but I keep it at bay. He prescribed me Seroquel 25mg. Today is my second day on it. I don’t think I really knew how to describe my anxiety before today because today my brain feels silent. It’s like before there was a constant negative voice, my own voice - I guess, that would always repeat any negative thought I ever had. All my doubts were vocalized by this voice. I’ve never described it as a voice before because I always associated it with just thoughts. But today those thoughts are not there. I’m calm and that’s weird. So my question is, is it really anxiety?
  24. I have an extreme fear of water. Not lakes or oceans but DRIPPING WATER. Turn off the shower and I panic. I refuse to take baths because I cannot stand to watch the faucet drip. I hate the rain because I hear dripping. I am the same way about anything that CLICKS or TICKS. Hot water tanks, scare the crud out of me because they ‘tick’. My children aren’t allowed to use hot water after 8. My future husband and I just bought our first home together. It has an energy efficient heating system which creates condensation vs. the old heating systems that did not. Well the drain for the condensation line DRIPS into the drain for the wash machine. I heard this and went into complete panic...running out of the house screaming and pure panic. I try to not let my kids witness me acting like this because it’s ridiculous. That is the thing, I KNOW and REALIZE how ridiculous my fears are. Yet I cannot control it. If I hear a drip, tick or click noise I go Into a pure panic. It’s embarrassing. It’s ridiculous, and I’m tired of constantly wearing earplugs and living in extreme fear of noises. I start shaking, my heart races, I get soooo hot, I can’t stop it! I feel nauseous my stomach goes into horrible knots.... I have talked to therapists in the past-they are so quick to offer any medication. I don’t want medication, I want to know WHY I do this? I can’t think of anything from my childhood that would cause this and I have been this way as long as I can remember (I’m now almost 40). Does it sound like anxiety? Panic? Ocd?
  25. I'm almost 30 and I'm severely depressed. I take medication, but that's not always enough. I began hurting myself in June of this year. I don't have many scars, but the ones I have are noticeable. This summer was one of the most stressful of my life. I'm embarrassed, being as old as I am, that I couldn't control my emotions. I don't think particularly highly of myself. I still live with my mom because I'm a walking shit-show. I told my mom I self harm. I cut, scratch and burn myself. I've had two therapists and both know that I do these things to myself. My current therapist thought it would be good to tell my mom...or eventually tell her. I also think about suicide a lot (at least once a day). Mom knows this and so does my therapist. I felt good about myself today, so I told Mom. I felt brave and I it seemed like a good idea at the time. I was disappointed with her reaction. She said it was a cliche thing to do...that she didn't think I was so mainstream. She said she thought my brand of "crazy" was more unique. To be honest, I don't think she believes I have a mental illness. She thinks I'm just a creative type. I am...but I'm also unwell. I don't like to whine and I don't want to have to explain myself. She's depressed too, so I don't know how she doesn't understand. She wants there to be a reason behind my moods. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed. I've stopped hurting myself. It's been three weeks since my last incident. I feel pretty in control of my urges, which is why I confessed. I knew Mom would think I was stupid for self-harming. She's known other people who did it so I've already heard what she really thinks about people who do it...that it's a way to get attention, it's a sign of weakness, it's unoriginal, it's stupid... Mom said she was disappointed in me, then she said she was scared because she'd missed the signals. She didn't miss them...I'm just very good at hiding things. She kind of made the conversation about her. I found myself apologizing to her and telling her it wasn't her fault. She said our relationship was based on trust and now she isn't sure she should give me my privacy. She made it sound like I took advantage of her trust. She said this was a betrayal. She thinks this means I'm much closer to suicide. I'm not...I just needed to feel something and I needed an emotional release. She said she'd respected my privacy and refrained from "delving" into my psyche. Then she said if she had delved, she'd have found this out sooner. I think she regrets trusting me. She has a tendency to leave me alone when I need help and invade when I need to be alone. Most of the time I just want someone to sit quietly with me. That helps more than anything. I've got a therapist...now I need a friend. Mom said my scars would never go away and asked if I'd considered what it would be like to explain these things to a significant other. I don't date. I haven't had a romantic relationship in almost a decade. I haven't found anyone I like. I'm picky and high maintenance. I fully admit that. I also don't give a damn what people think about my scars. I know what I did to my body. I don't need to be shamed for it. I'm proud I could handle the pain. The scars remind me that I hit some very low points and survived. They remind me I'm real. Mom said we shouldn't tell my brother. He'd panic. I don't want to tell my brother either. I'm used to hiding the worst of my problems from him. Mom is usually in favor of telling him everything. I think she doesn't want him to worry and she doesn't want him to blame her. She kind of made the situation about her and how she'd failed. I don't mean to sound selfish, but it wasn't the conversation I hoped to have. I tried to explain that I needed a little more support. I spoke quietly. I was embarrassed. She told me to stop talking so softly. She didn't want me to act or pretend. I admit I'm mellow dramatic, but I wasn't being dramatic this time. I just felt small. I don't know how to explain it. I'm depersonalized so it was easy to "zone out" after that. In the end she said she was proud of me for telling her. She took back a few of the harsher comments. She went to bed early and said she needed to think. She shut down a bit. I asked if we were ok, if our relationship was ok and she said yes. I have no idea if she meant that. I regret telling her. I promised I'd be honest from here on out, but that's just another lie. I'm done hurting myself. If I hadn't told her, she'd never know and I'd never have to hear the things she said. I love her very much and I don't mean to be ungrateful, but she's not as supportive as she thinks she is. She puts up with a lot from me and I'm tired of making her feel bad. I've got to stop telling her things. I keep thinking I should be honest, but it always backfires and I end up feeling worse. I can't keep my mouth shut. I always think it's better for our relationship to be honest, but it isn't. My scars were mine. Now they're not. I hate that so much. I'm so embarrassed. I need a support system and I hate that I need anything. I wish I had someone in my life I could be honest with. I can't tell my brother these things without breaking his heart. I can't tell my mom without her blaming herself. Telling my therapist is nice, but it's not quite enough. It's not terribly personal. I feel so alone and so stupid and somehow still feel completely blank and empty. I shouldn't have told her. I should have kept my big mouth shut. It was a secret and it was mine. I gave it away for nothing. I don't even know what I wanted or expected. I'm an idiot. I'm ultimately happier alone. I don't know why I long for someone to understand. I'm not terribly gregarious and I don't like talking to other people. I certainly don't want to burden anyone with my problems. Logically, I know I should be able to handle this on my own without someone holding my hand like I'm a child. I'm not helpless. I'm not needy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading.
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