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Found 29 results

  1. hello!

    Hi, I'm Hannah. I've had generalized anxiety and OCD all my life and developed major depressive disorder around 11 years old, but I was not properly diagnosed until I was 13. They've put me on lots of meds since then, most of which either didn't work or had shitty side effects. Around the time I was 14-15, I even had some psychotic features during my worst depressive episodes, and some of my medications were only making things worse. Now, at 16, things are at an all time low, and I came here to talk to some people who are in similar situations. My current medications are Pristiq (Desvenlafaxine) and Risperdal, with a Deplin supplement. Long story short, school sucks ass and it's making things worse. That's pretty much all from me. Hello, CB!
  2. Hey guys, long time lurker here, and I'd really like your input on something. I'm a bit stuck when it comes to treatment, and I'd like to hear some peoples' opinions, as I wont be able to see my doctor to talk about it for a little while. I’m currently diagnosed as having GAD and MDD, but I’m starting to think I have a bipolar spectrum disorder. Here are some points: Failed multiple antidepressants (Zoloft, Lexapro, Prozac, Viibryd, Pristiq). Failed and/or had too many side effects Had side effects on every serotogenic antidepressant, even while augmenting (Wellbutrin, Buspar) like sexual dysfunction and extreme fatigue Atypical depression — BP Depression has excessive sleeping with a lot of daytime fatigue and an increased appetite, opposite of MDD Very anxious — BP much more likely to be accompanied by stronger anxiety symptoms The fact that “If all the treatments don’t work, maybe you’re treating the wrong thing” Excessive nighttime eating (seen in BP Depression vs unipolar) Racing thoughts Earliness of first depressive episode (age 19 at the LATEST), and research shows it’s very likely to be bipolar disorder if before the age of 18/20/25 (experts disagree on the age) My anxiety symptoms could actually equate to mixed state Losing and regaining interest in hobbies (I’ll enjoy my “typical” hobbies one day and then later, zero interest / motivation) Cousin has BPII (I know immediate relatives are the key, but still, a data point) Online shopping addiction (computer, iPad, something new in the mail every day) The fact that Bipolar Spectrum Disorder doesn’t require mania/hypomania, just multiple non-manic markers of bipolar (see links below for source) The odds that I have treatment-resistant depression coupled with very prominent anxiety, and considering my episodes of depression aren’t THAT bad that they would be so hard to treat So, what do you guys think? For me, it would be a big relief to get a diagnosis as somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, as I've tried so many meds already, and I just wanna feel better If anyone is curious as to my regiment and past meds, I'd be happy to post that as well. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond! It means a lot! some sources: http://psycheducation.org/diagnosis/ https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-depression/differences-between-unipolar-depression-bipolar-depression/
  3. I have no idea if I'm doing this right so bear with me: I have GAD and OCD (such a lovely combo) and I just got prescribed Brintellix to help me get out of the recent anxiety/panic hole I've dug myself into. I've been on every SSRI under the sun (I was diagnosed with this shit storm of anxiety, panic attacks and OCD when I was 11 and am now currently 31) and have had great success through the years with Luvox. Then I made the "mistake" or thinking I could live without it and stopped taking it (with my psychiatrist monitoring me) and now I can't even go to the mailbox without panicking. Also, Luvox now hates me and doesn't help. I've done the whole CBT thing and found it very helpful but I'm still very isolated to my apartment so meds are needed now. I stupidly read everything I could about Brintellix and the thing that popped up most was nausea and vomiting. I have a SEVERE vomiting phobia so now I'm afraid to keep taking Brintellix. I've taken 5mg for 4 days now and not felt any nausea (besides the usual anxiety nausea) and I actually haven't even thrown up since I was 12 (drunken throwing up doesn't count) so I kind of have a stomach of steel. My question is: would I have already experienced vomiting if it was going to happen? Or am I at risk of just all of a sudden developing that side effect? My doc says I'm going to veeerry slowly up the amount to avoid as many side effects as possible. Like I'll up the dosage by 2.5mg every 2 weeks. I also take it at night with an anti nausea med. Also, has it helped anyone's anxiety? I'd love to hear something positive. Thanks for the help!
  4. Hi, I have what I like to consider pretty bad GAD and it is most prevalent when I am faced with time pressure and especially with assignments at school. I always start telling myself "I can't do it" and all i want to do is run away and avoid the stress and do anything to avoid having to deal with it. this usually takes the form of extensions and excuses and skipping classes and emailing profs, etc. I've been doing really well this week but for some reason I can't let myself feel that or think to myself that maybe I can do it, because I keep saying to myself, just because I succeeded in the past how do I know I will this time. I've also failed a lot in the past, so that could happen too. I even feel like writing this post is avoidance even though its really just me reaching out, but I feel pathetic that I can't just deal with my shit on my own. Right now I have a 1000 word paper due in 3 hours and I tried reading the articles that I need to read but I just got overwhelmed and started writing down all the thoughts that were going through my head. That helped a little because I got the thoughts out, and I guess that's what this is doing too. I still am majorly fighting the urge to email my prof for an extension, which I prob will be able to get, and get on a bus to go home and hide in bed for as long as possible. I just don't want to face this fear. I freeze up any time I say to myself that I can't do it, and I will do anything to run away. I guess what I want to know is does anyone else feel this, and if so, how do you cope without running and hiding. Thanks
  5. Soo I have bpd an bipolar as well as GAD and I found kind of. Road block I can't speak about the future with out having a panic attack .. like a full blown crying ,screaming disassociating panic attack . Like I can't think of what could happen in the future I can't think of the negative outcomes of stuff an it really bothers my husband ... so I wanna know some tips on how to open more an tolerate this types of talks
  6. Hey, I was wondering if anyone knows whether a possible reaction i'm having can be part of this interaction. My pdoc says hes never heard of it and has no idea but I know that there may be others in the same situation. My morning meds are cymbalta alternating 60mg/90mg and biphentin 50mg which i usually take at the same time around 9 or 10 am. The problem I'm having is that before I started on the Biphentin, i never had withdrawal from the cymbalta unless i missed a dose by like 3 hours or more. Cymbalta is one of those snris with really bad withdrawal where you have to take it the same time every day. I'm now finding that I feel withdrawal (shaky, slurring words, trouble moving, exhaustion) even if i take it 24 hrs apart. I was wondering if the biphentin could be making the cymbalta metabolize quicker. Thanks,
  7. Hi, New to the site, this is my first post. I'm an undergrad sociology student in Canada. I've been working on my undergrad for 9 years and I am so close. I have 96 out of 120 credits that I need. Every day I feel like I'm pounding my head into a wall. I've been in the mental health system since I was 7 years old. I have so many different supports that I use, but at the same time I feel useless and pathetic. I am currently working on an assignment that is 5 weeks overdue. Classes are already over for the term but I have something like 12 assignments of varying lengths to finish. I have very understanding profs who will mark everything whenever I get it in, but all my diagnoses and medications and supports just make things difficult. I spend my parents money to see an adhd coach/mentor as often as I can because its essentially the only time I get my work done. Every week I see her and I get so much done, and I feel so confident afterwards, but then, I sit in front of my computer and I either start or don't and I keep getting stuck. I came home today sure i was going to finish this assignment tonight, and now I'm doubting I'll ever get it done. Every week I say I'm going to get so much done and I end up just sleeping. I also work in retail and I barely function well enough to get to work, even though I'm good at my job. My self care and activities of daily life, as I learned they are called today, are horrific. I shower maybe once every two weeks if I'm lucky, I brush my teeth about once a month. I haven't done laundry in about 3 months, and I end up just rewearing the same dirty clothes. I found this forum today while trying to find resources to help convince me that going to shave my beard is a helpful self care activity instead of a waste of time and an avoidance tactic, and I am super impressed with this board. I still have no idea how I'm ever going to finish school because I barely do any work and I start new courses in may. my bipolar depression has been awful because I feel useless and pathetic, but then I hope to get hypomanic when I take my adhd pills so that I can actually get shit done. I'm constantly tired and I use sleep as my number one avoidance tactic. Essentially I feel like a complete fuck up who's never going to accomplish anything except when I don't
  8. I'm fighting off tears at work and just took my first lorazepam ever, so I kind of need to talk, if that's okay. I'm really scared right now because I'm losing weight. For me, that's a bad thing. I spent most of my life being SEVERLY underweight. Like, regular visits to see specialists, group therapy at a children's hospital in case it was mental, guilt over eating salad levels of underweight. Looks like it was caused by genetics and a really bad case of acid reflux. It was nothing serious, but it still created so many issues that I was really worried I was going to die. Then I was put on olanzapine and put on 50 pounds in a couple of months. Finally, people stopped looking at me like I was sick. But then, they changed my diagnosis and took me off of the olanzapine. Now my clothes and engagement ring don't fit. My appetite is shrinking back to the way it was. It's just started, but I know what's coming. I'm going back to my old size. And I'm terrified. It's all I can think about. The weight loss isn't even noticeable yet! But I'm so scared. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. I have so many more important things to be scared about, but all I can focus on is my beautiful engagement ring slipping down my finger until it almost falls off. I need to breathe. I wish I could text someone irl but they're all asleep. I'm working a night shift. I just want to go home and cry.
  9. I am new here.. I don't know who to talk to because I feel like nobody can really understand how I feel. I've officially been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, ADD, MDD, generalized anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia... Ugh...I also have a history of substance abuse so there are medications I need but can no longer receive. I was on klonpin 1 mg 3 times a day for 6-7 years. Once my Dr learned of substance abuse by running into the physician assistant at the methadone clinic I was straight cut off. I'm now on: Wellbutrin 300 mg daily for mdd and ADD Tegretol 200 mg 3x daily for bpd Seroquel 250 mg at night for mdd I've been offered buspar and propanolol but after trying them and neither being any useful stopped those. I feel constantly exhausted, irritated and dissociated. I didn't feel this bad prior to being medicated. I'm now on suboxone instead of methadone because having to leave my house daily had me in constant panic mode. I can't get any doctor to give me the help I really need. Getting back on klonopin and I also need a decent medication for ADD. I'm looking to add these to my current meds to see if this helps but it's pretty much impossible especially while on suboxone. And no, getting off suboxone isn't an option. I keep feeling more and more depressed every day... Anyone else having these issues?
  10. What are people's experience with Buspar for Anxiety? I cannot take SSRI's and this is the option I have left potentially. Does it cause excessive fatigue? Does it work for anyone? Klonopin is the one med that seems to work on my GAD, Social Phobia and general Panic Disorder.....Is this a good option to switch to?
  11. Hello.

    Hello friend. I'm Grey Matter, I guess I'll start with I've been lurking this forum board for almost a year now. I have trouble interacting with people online sometimes. I have skitzoaffective disorder bipolar type so when that fleeting moment comes that I get manic, I tend to make an arse of myself. I also have anxiety so that's fun. But this seemed like a decent forum people here seem pretty OK so after isolating myself and living under a rock I decided to give it another try. Hope it goes OK, so here's to rolling with the punches. Heh.
  12. Hello, Could someone please honestly tell me because I can't trust myself because I'm a recovering drug addict. (Id like to put a disclaimer right here that I don't follow 12-step dogma so please don't start preaching that even though it does work for many) anyways, new diagnosis I'm a 33-year-old male finally told that I have a little bit of aspbergers disorder which is now technically on the autism spectrum and ADHD to go together with my OCD, and GAD oh I can't forget about the clinical depression either. I was a severe opioid and benzo addict taking crazy amounts I am now medicated but I'm worried about the amount of stimulants. I have never abused stimulants other than MDMA really and I don't know much about them. I was just put on Adderall XR seven months ago now I'm a 6 foot tall 240 pound male. It was amazing to see the effects that it had. I can finally look people in the eyes and my brain was finally slow. It was like for years they tried to numb with the stupid benzo's but my brain would still race. However, the dosing scares me because I don't know anyone else that takes this. I take 60 mg in the morning and another 30 mg capsule at 1400. They don't last 12 hours and I work about 10 hours a day so I find the 90 mg keeps me good for the majority actually really good for thee whole day and I still sleep for 6 to 8 hours But I didn't quit shooting up heroin to die from a heart attack..so can any of you give me some input please. Ps. By the way I also take 60 mg of Paxil and 4 mg of Xanax which sounds high but is pretty good considering before the Adderall I was taking eight and this was prescribed by my addiction Doctor. I honestly was not abusing that. I needed that to function soon as I went on the Adderall I stopped having the stupid panic attacks and have managed to cut my dose in half. I also take an opioid called Suboxone which is used to treat addiction. So yes technically I'm on amphetamine, benzodiazepine and opioid and an SSRI but, I'm the happiest I've ever been and I'm actually functioning and holding down a job and stuff for the first time in my life. I could really use some helpful opinions
  13. I broke down and finally went through with it thoroughly to see a Tdoc then a Pdoc last year and since then have tried quite a few different meds for my Dx (see signature below). Just a few months back my Pdoc went on maternity leave (while I was just given the Buspar to try) and was assigned another Pdoc while she was away. When it was time to go back I went in and told him what issues I was having with the Buspar and he Rx'd me the Clonazepam (0.5mg 3x daily) to try. It did work for awhile. My regular Pdoc came back, she seen what I was on and pretty much said she didn't like the idea of anyone being on it & how it was addicting, etc. She asked me if it helped, I said "Yes" (was too afraid at the time to say that it worked well for awhile but not as much anymore in fear she would change it to some other Rx) and she also asked if it helped with my sleep as well, of which I said "No" (because it didn't) and she gave me the 15mg daily of the Mirtazapine for sleep. Found out that 15mg makes me way too groggy the next day, so I just take a sliver of it each night (probably a mg or 2) and it works great like that. But back to the main issue at hand, the Clonazepam... it worked for awhile but not-so much now, but I am afraid to bring it up to her. I don't know what I should say to her, I've just been telling myself that I'll go in and act like everything's hunky-dory and working great but I hate that I am feeling the way I do (luckily not as bad but still). What should I do?
  14. New user here. I have had a driving phobia since I had my child four years ago. Recently it has gotten a lot worse and I can hardly drive at all. I am working to get into a psychiatrist but in the meantime my dr. gave me brintellix to try. (5 mg). I have not taken it yet and have never been on a drug for my disorder. I am actually afraid that it will make me feel worse. Any words of wisdom for me?
  15. I've been reading a lot on this board about the new Fetzima. I was put on it four weeks ago by my GP when my Cymbalta just didn't seem to get the job done anymore. I've been on antidepressants off and on since 1996 but wasn't diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADD until four years ago. Up until then I had been on every drug you can imagine for depression. Cymbalta changed/saved my life, but my insurance company began to only supply me with generic, and I could tell immediately that it just wasn't the same. I started getting brain zaps, and that would usually only happen if I missed a dose. So my GP suggested Fetzima. The first couple of weeks I had the zaps and was a bit fuzzy in the brain, but all in all the transition was a smooth one. I felt decent and was just glad to be taking a non-generic for a change. Then last Friday night happened. 12/19/14 went to holiday party and proceeded to poison myself with shots of liquor. By 10 p.m. I had fallen down twice, blacked out (although I was awake) and could not stop throwing up. (Not typical behavior when I drink!) Husband drove me home. I did not take my Fetzima that night because I knew I would throw it back up. Threw up all the next day until around 3 when I could finally keep some soup down. That's when I took my Friday dosage of Fetzima. Had to stay in bed because I was so physically ill. Slept a majority of the time, took Fetz at normal time Saturday night. Sunday was still ill, brain not functioning correctly, irrational thoughts, completely depressed, slept most of the day and night. Took Fetz on time Sunday night. Monday was hoping to feel better but depression was worse. Fought with husband who doesn't understand what's going on, threw a fit and threw crap around the house, scared the cats, announced that I hate Christmas and I hate my birthday (on Xmas day), I don't want people at my house on Christmas, I don't give a crap about the stupid gifts and everything can be thrown in the trash for all I care. Threatened to leave my husband to be alone at our lake house, he wouldn't let me leave because (mostly) he thought I would hurt myself there or on the way up have a wreck on purpose. I scared him and scared myself that I was being so irrational. I told him of suicide plans that I had made back in the 90s, that it's always there in the back of my mind. He asked if I needed to go to the hospital but I eventually calmed down and showered for the first time in two days and brushed my teeth for the first time in three. I took two Klonopin and slept most of the rest of the day. I felt insane. I now feel incredible guilt for my behavior which compounds this helpless feeling. I want to feel better so today I'll be leaving the house for the first time since Friday. But I'm still here crying, guilty... Everything was fine until the alcohol Friday night. I haven't eaten hardly anything, trying to stay hydrated with water but I'm hardly peeing and can't remember the last time I pooped. I don't know if I'm not eating because I'm not hungry or if I'm just trying to hurt myself? I've lost 10 pounds since November... not on purpose, just burning more calories than I eat. I'm a runner but haven't been able to since last week because the weather is so bad and I really don't know right now if I could run if I tried. Am I doing this to myself - am I in control of my actions, or did all that alcohol and Fetzima really affect my brain so significantly? My family has been through a lot these past two months; my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer and had to have her kidney removed and three tumors in the artery from the kidney to the heart, the same week I started taking Fetzima. I have been strong for her and my family but everything seems to be crashing down now. I had been fine until Friday night. This is supposed to be a wonderful time of the year but I just want the holidays over so I can get back into a routine. I am a teacher and I hold my shit together and I'm a professional but these last 4 days have been the worst of my life. I have presents to wrap and I don't even care if they get wrapped at all. I have got to have a better day today.... certainly my brain cannot still be mucked up from the alcohol 4 days ago??? Has anyone else had this experience... getting REALLY drunk on Fetzima (I weigh 107 and had probably 10 or more Fireball shots) and then being bed-ridden for four days??? I'm desperate for advice... I don't talk to my friends about this because I'm embarrassed, and my husband has never suffered from mental illness, so while he tries to make things better, (yesterday he told me I needed to snap out of it - I snapped alright), he only makes things worse. And that compounds my guilt also. When am I going to feel better? Can alcohol + Fetzima basically make someone go insane???
  16. I've been a long time reader of the boards but just decided to join because of the lack of information on Fetzima. I've been taking it for a month now and had a horrible experience these past few days. I've been struggling with depression, especially anxiety, since my teens; mom has OCD/hoarding disorder and dad was just diagnosed at 67 with bipolar disorder (we all knew that, he just wouldn't got to the doc to get medicated). It's beyond me why two wacked out humans would get together and spread their horrible genetics to not just one child, but two. My brother is a bigger mess than I am. I decided not to have children to try to end this bloodline! I've been on Prozac, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Pristique, Buspar, Depakote, Remeron, Cymbalta, now Fetzima, and I know I'm forgetting some. Reading these boards have helped me realize I'm not alone in my struggles. Thank you for that.
  17. Aint life grand when changing meds for anxiety causes anxiety? FML I have been taking Pristiq for approx 3mo's. Went directly from Celexa one morning to Pristiq the next night. Transitioning from an SSRI to an SSNRI was physically brutal, but I worked through the initial side effects (some not so negative), and found that Pristiq REALLY helped my GAD. I mean, insanely effective. But I would still have moments when I would have to fight off a panic attack--the Oh my god, I can't breathe, I CAN'T BREATHE!!!/ Oh my god, I'm having a stroke/heart attck/aneurysm while driving with my kid in the car!!!/Oh my god, the sky is falling, THE SKY. IS! EFFIN. FALLING! Don't you get it?!?! varieties. So, I would take an Ativan when I knew I would be in one of these helpless positions where the people around me would not understand/be able to help beyond taking me to the ER. As time passes, I've relied less and less on the Ativan. I like to have it with me, but I only take it as a last resort. Trouble is, between the Celexa (taken for 1yr) and Pristiq, I gained a ton of weight, and w/Pristiq, lethargy and fatigue have taken over my life. Not helpful. Not worth it for me to become diabetic to mitigate anxiety. I asked my pdoc about an SNRI, and we settled on WellbutrinSR, 50mgs to start while I ween off of Pristiq--a process I wouldn't even wish on someone I really didn't like. My energy is up, my appetite a bit lowered, but I am still well doused with Pristiq. Just found out that my pdoc wants to discontinue my Ativan rx. I am becoming nervously concerned that when the Pristiq wears off and the Ativan is gone, my anxiety might come roaring back. Such is the mind of someone so wound up about everything, everywhere, all the time.
  18. Hello everyone. I suppose the idea is to post about why I'm here, so I might as well get started. I had Epilepsy until I was about eleven years old. When that went away they figured out I had ADHD, but it was not deemed severe enough to warrant medication. I had trouble in school. I was sociable enough, but five years of homeschooling had left me almost completely devoid of knowledge of social norms. You can imagine how that went. I learned how to more keep my mouth shut, but school became increasingly difficult. Not because of the material. but I was so afraid of disapproval that school became a place of severe anxiety. Because of my ADHD, I had difficulty telling the passage of time, and so what I thought was a three minute trip to the water fountain or bathroom was in fact fifteen. I would put off assignments that made me nervous until the last minute, but then they were only more difficult to get through. I avoided my peers religiously, because I was so afraid of not being accepted. When I reached high school it got easier. I met more and more people with whom I could share a mutual understanding, as well as teachers who not only understood my shortcomings, but embraced my strengths, and encouraged me in them. By the time I reached my last two years I had begun to conquer my anxiety. Unfortunately, it was then that a recurring problem reared its ugly head once again. Someone please tell me if this is normal or not. I would just be sitting in a classroom, doing a fairly simple assignment or test, but if I was caught off-guard by something, even the smallest thing, it was like my senses went into overdrive. I could hear every single conversation going on in the room at once and my brain was trying to listen in on all of them but I couldn't make out a word. My eyes would try to focus in on everything and even the sensation of my clothes on my arms or legs drove me insane. I could not tune anything out. And when I tried to do things like listen to music, which helped block it all out, teachers wouldn't let me, and the inability to stop it only made it worse. These attacks faded a bit after i graduated, but this past fall I had a whole host of family issues, and my whole world fell out from under me. Now I have more trouble focusing than ever, and I need meds to drive but I cant take even the smallest dose because it aggravates my anxiety and affects my heart in a way it shouldn't, but I have to finish college applications and I just can't even start because of my anxiety and focus issues. I joined this site because even my mom, who by far understands best what is going on, does not realize exactly how crippling this is for me, and I need a place to talk about this because it just keeps getting worse.
  19. *I'm not sure if this should be in this or the drug forum, it affects both :-/* I know they are trying to reach out and help. But right now I am dealing with Bipolar 11, PTSD, GAD and Agoraphobia. I used to self-medicate a lot to deal with this. A bit of coke and E and K (god...the K) and I was the life of the party. But now I am off of everything except valium (prescribed) and subutex (also prescribed). I was prescribed Xnanx but ran out and new pdoc won't prescribe. In public situations, without K and vals and weed I feel so anxious. Before I ever started drugs I was raped (twice) and my best friend in the world died 8 months ago. The subutex helps when I am out or especially in my studio with my fiancee, so does the K. Then I can enter a whole little TV/Movie planet and not worry about the pain, grief and incredible anger I feel. But I haven't been able to get K, my fiancee really wants me to stop that and the subutex, intellectually I know hes totally right but then the pain (plus physical withdrawl) will come flooding back and I don't think Im strong enough to cope. I am in a drug care program called ISIS, I see a doctor and caretaker about once a week. I have a GP appointment tuesday and am going to ask for a pdoc referral. (Had to pay privately for the one who prescribed the xnanx, im in London btw so most healthcare is free or cheap luckily.) Into this whole mix jumps my friends. They remember the fun, social girl I was 2 years ago when I was in college and lived for parties and cocktails and boys. I still love them, still care too much but im scared. Scared of letting them into my heart when my best friend is gone and never coming back. I has another friend die this year too and the pain...the pain. One of my other best friends has been trying to write me since xmas to give me a present, she invited me and my fiancee to a salsa thing tonight. I love her but usually we give each other these really lavish presents (when I used to work and actually had money) but im almost to poor to buy food atm. Same with my other friends...even though I try to keep reminding myself there MY friends, they like me for a reason, I am just so anxious and worried of doing or saying the wrong thing, having an episode. I cant see one of my best friends because I am too embarrassed I couldn't afford to buy her an xmas present...what does that say about me? I had a horrible episode two days ago, when I ran out of weed/K and couldn't get more. It involved screaming at my fiancee (who traveled all the way to get it but the guy was out), him threatening to go back to NY, plates smashing across the room (by me). It was so horrible. I felt so much anger, so much RAGE, and my caretaker at ISIS said it was because for once I was not sedated and supressing my emotions. This may be true, but how do I deal? I am a good person, really. I love my fiancee so much and am the girl with the biggest smile. I want everyone to like me. Maybe thats part of the problem...but how can I change that? Do I even want to? I just want to be the girl I was, but I feel like when my best friend died this huge part of me died too. She was like my twin almost, we were so similar. She was the only one I could be myself with, really talk too. I dont want to lose my other friends but esp the ones who aren't as close or don't have MI's....they would think me a freak (says my brain). Its so much safer just to hide. (P.S. So sorry for the length of this...I am usually quite suppressed so when something comes out it does so in a rush! >.<)
  20. Hey I'm new to the board...not new to MI. I'm going to be asking a shitload of questions because my dr is senile...bear with me!
  21. ... and it's taking me forever, I'm only up to the second town and I just want to have caught everything already because DAMN I want that Mewtwo and- Hi, I'm Nel. I like my games and I like my therapy and I am ecstatic to have been diagnosed. I'm of that group of people who just really wanted a name for the thing that keeps going wrong so they don't feel like it's all (hah) in their head. If you wanted to know, it's all in my signature. I love talking about it. I love thinking about it. Mental illness and mental health fascinates me, because there are all these people who have different experiences and who don't look at me like I'm a lunatic when I try to explain why I can't quite string together a sentence today. Feels like home when someone else describes dissociation, or laments the flick-of-a-switch moodswings, or the sudden rage. I might be afraid of people, but I don't actually like this feeling of being alone. I write, I game, I love my cats, I make soap. I swear a lot in real life and I have the most patient and understanding lover in the universe. I also really want you to like me. So there's that. So hi. I'm new. Please love me. - Nel.
  22. Hello there! Allow myself to introduce... myself. I am the 31 year old mother to a 16 month old, light-of-my-life, cute-as-a-button son. I'm currently in the midst of a separation and divorce from my husband. I have a fairly complex story, so let us begin at the beginning, shall we? I can remember being anxious as young as age four. I was formally diagnosed in my early teens with Clinical Depression and have undergone various forms of therapy and medicinal therapy throughout my teenage and adult life, off and on. Let's just say that I'm a mental disorder veteran! I used food as comfort. I then underwent bariatric surgery in 2007. As I lost the weight, my anxieties only increased to the point that it became intolerable. Not only was I having panic attacks, but I was experiencing excrutiating headaches, cluster migraines, neck, back, and shoulder pain. I ended up leaving my country (the U.S.) in the meantime and moving to Canada to be with my then-online boyfriend. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2007 and moved to Canada in spring 2008. I underwent treatment for anxiety and eventually my diagnoses grew: agoraphobia, ADHD combined subtype, and social anxiety were added to my list. We married in the spring of 2009 and I became a permanent resident in 2010. I was well-managed at this point. By the time I decided to conceive a child, I was in the best place mentally that I'd ever been. When my son was born in the spring of 2012, I experienced severe Post-Partum-Anxiety in addition to the Baby Blues. I was obsessed with SIDS and developed insomnia. My husband was not much of a help. He retreated further into his computer addiction -- through which he had had an internet affair whilst I was pregnant in months 6-8 - and was playing 8-12 hours daily following working all day. It was then that I began to think about leaving him. I entered into counseling again. Readjusted medications. Joined support groups. Entered into some marital counseling. Things got a bit better as our son grew into a toddler; but they were never the same between us again. He would ease off the computer addiction slightly, then relapse. And he sees nothing wrong with it. It got worse and worse to the point that when I finally read a marriage book just a little over a month ago, I realized that I was finished. He had drained any romantic love left for him that I had had. I moved out to my best friend's house with her family for a few weeks and then found a basement apartment. Things have been immensely difficult, especially because my family is still in the US and I work full-time for his mother (at least until March). In the meantime, an old friend and supporter that I'd met through another anxiety support site years ago admitted his feelings for me. We developed a relationship after the separation (I know this has only been a short time) and he plans to leave his country to move here to be with us. He was an amazing friend and support; and now he's even moreso. We have a very special bond. But I am still in the stages of grief over losing the home I've made here and homesick for my family of origin. Things are chaotic. I haven't worked full-time in several years, and it's been a huge adjustment. My anxiety has relapsed due to the "acute stress" (thanks, doc) and so half the time I feel like I'm drowning and grasping for every rock, every branch, to slow myself down. My soon-to-be-ex husband is amicable, so long as we don't get into the financial details. He doesn't see his son as much as he should so far, then wonders why our baby cries when I leave the room. It's immensely painful and stressful and right now I feel like I have no base of comfort. So that's where I am right now. I alternate between recovery and relapse. I think it will always be a battle to stay afloat; but even for a "healthy" person, this would be a tremendous challenge. It's nice to meet you all and I hope to be able to speak to some of you through the chat support. Best Wishes, "Crimmy"
  23. Hey everyone! My name is Nora, I'm twenty-two, and I'm currently working part-time as a barista and a nanny. Eventually I would like to move to a commune in Virginia, then pursue a career as a doula and childbirth educator. My offical, documented dx include dysthemia with major depressive episodes (rapid-cycling), GAD, psychophysiological insomnia, PTSD (and all the fun side effects that come with it), and EDNOS. I have had two suicide attempts (only one of them was serious, the other was in a moment of panic and I realized I didn't mean it). As a result, I've been psych-hospitalized twice. I have a few issues that I'd talked about to a doctor, but treatment fell through. Those include BPD, paranoia, and depersonalization. I'm unmedicated due to being uninsured, and unfortunately I find other ways of self-medicating. I steer clear of alcohol because of family history, and it just makes me feel like crap. I use marijuana to help me sleep/raise my appetite during ED relapses, and I use clonazepam on a case-by-case basis during panic attacks. ANYWHO I am excited to be able to talk to other "crazy" folks and share experiences, tips, etc. Glad to be here!
  24. So I have been on Ativan 1mg x4 daily and no matter how much I take I feel no relief, I usually run out after a 2 weeks. Most say I'm on a lot but I don't feel that way. I still feel anxious and paranoid all the time. What's wrong with me!?
  25. Over the past year, I've worked for maybe a total of...11 and a half weeks or so, divided up into five jobs. Prior to my being in the working world (if you can even call my 11 weeks that) I struggled through school, eventually dropping out and getting my GED, and then attempting college only to not attend classes and drop out after 2 months.I can't take anything I perceive to be criticism, and while from a logical perspective I understand that if nobody tells me how I can improve or anything like that, I'm never going to get better. But even a gentle nudge and a small demonstration can leave me fighting back tears. My therapist and I have been exploring this for awhile now. I'm really at my wits end. I've tried different fields of work, different schedules, different amounts of hours... My longest job was 5 weeks, but it was only 15/hrs a week, so really not beneficiary on a financial end of things. I'm only 19 years old, and so obviously SSDI is out of the question. My therapist thinks applying for SSI would be a waste of time, because I have such little work history. I've been in and out of treatment for a decade now (mostly in), and I would think with my extensive school records and such that perhaps I would have a tiny shot if I had enough people on my side to support my case. I struggle with getting majorly depressed when I'm not working, I feel unproductive and like a failure. But when I am working I feel extremely anxious and stressed and it consumes my life until I shut down. I just can't seem to make progress on any part of my life- professional, mental, social... I feel really inadequate and immature. I know it's not good to make comparisons, but my friends all have plenty of stressors in their lives and manage to hold down steady jobs (and in some cases also go to school full-time) including those who have MIs. I'm tired of doing things that don't work. I need some other avenue. Does anyone have any similar experiences, and if so, how did/are you deal with it/ get through it? Any insight? I can't live at home forever (and I wouldn't want to!)
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