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Found 122 results

  1. Hi, I'm a 43 yo guy who's been severely depressed since I was 19 and I'm amazed I'm still alive. Antidepressants (and there's very few I haven't tried, including the popular combos) either do nothing, make me more depressed or help partially for a few weeks and then poop-out. I've never had mania/hypomania (other than a period on Abilify). After my stay at an inpatient psych ward in February, a young PDoc added Lithium to my Nardil (which, incidentally has been my most successful med to date but now does nothing) on the hunch that I might be BP2-ish. Whilst I can't say I went "WOO I'M FIXED", the Lithium certainly had a positive effect for a couple of months. Which has since just waned and stopped. So now I'm desperately depressed again. I'm seeing my PDoc soon to discuss alternative BP2 treatments. Top of my list of suggestions (since he is malleable in his dispensing) is Lamictal. But should it be? I read a lot of positive feedback on it's effect on depression but the data says it's poor. Should I perhaps be aiming towards an alternative? There are so many it's quite bewildering and I'm relatively new to the BP2 scenario. Any tips are most appreciated. Pete
  2. I have an extreme fear of water. Not lakes or oceans but DRIPPING WATER. Turn off the shower and I panic. I refuse to take baths because I cannot stand to watch the faucet drip. I hate the rain because I hear dripping. I am the same way about anything that CLICKS or TICKS. Hot water tanks, scare the crud out of me because they ‘tick’. My children aren’t allowed to use hot water after 8. My future husband and I just bought our first home together. It has an energy efficient heating system which creates condensation vs. the old heating systems that did not. Well the drain for the condensation line DRIPS into the drain for the wash machine. I heard this and went into complete panic...running out of the house screaming and pure panic. I try to not let my kids witness me acting like this because it’s ridiculous. That is the thing, I KNOW and REALIZE how ridiculous my fears are. Yet I cannot control it. If I hear a drip, tick or click noise I go Into a pure panic. It’s embarrassing. It’s ridiculous, and I’m tired of constantly wearing earplugs and living in extreme fear of noises. I start shaking, my heart races, I get soooo hot, I can’t stop it! I feel nauseous my stomach goes into horrible knots.... I have talked to therapists in the past-they are so quick to offer any medication. I don’t want medication, I want to know WHY I do this? I can’t think of anything from my childhood that would cause this and I have been this way as long as I can remember (I’m now almost 40). Does it sound like anxiety? Panic? Ocd?
  3. I am on day 2 of freaking out about my nails. Backstory: Ever since I can remember, I have obsessed over my fingernails. I traded one obsession for another. Awful nail biting turned into polishing and then picking it off every other day. Then I began clipping the skin around my nails obsessively. I've done this for ~ 15 years. I also had nail enhancements (acrylics, gel manicures, press-ons, etc.) constantly. I have over 120 bottles of nail polish and a tub of enhancement tools to do acrylics and such. My husband finally demanded I get help. I constantly bite the skin around the nails, pick at it, or am touching/tapping/clicking my fingernails constantly. It is a nervous tick I never realized had gotten out of control. My husband took my cuticle nipper tool away and told me to bring this up to my psychiatrist. Since he made me aware of this, I have started realizing how often I mess with my nails. It is nearly constantly and habitual. (I counted my fingers in my mouth about 4 times in an hour, and that is just what I became aware of.) Currently, my nails are all-natural. It is killing me. I normally have some sort of polish or other enhancement. My cuticle nipper is hidden. It is killing me. The only thing I AM allowed right now is cuticle oil to keep my very toughened skin moisturized. After years of clipping, it is pretty much calloused. I hate obsessing like this, but I figured this would be the place to vent this panic/obsession. Any suggestions for me?
  4. hello!

    Hi, I'm Hannah. I've had generalized anxiety and OCD all my life and developed major depressive disorder around 11 years old, but I was not properly diagnosed until I was 13. They've put me on lots of meds since then, most of which either didn't work or had shitty side effects. Around the time I was 14-15, I even had some psychotic features during my worst depressive episodes, and some of my medications were only making things worse. Now, at 16, things are at an all time low, and I came here to talk to some people who are in similar situations. My current medications are Pristiq (Desvenlafaxine) and Risperdal, with a Deplin supplement. Long story short, school sucks ass and it's making things worse. That's pretty much all from me. Hello, CB!
  5. I'm currently on the lowest dose of Risperdal for severe OCD. Not long after I started taking it, I nearly fainted in class and had to go home for the day. The dizziness came on very quickly, and my vision started to turn black (to put it simply. The effect is hard to describe) I could hardly hear what people were saying, and the event lasted for a very short amount of time. I felt nauseous, and my stomach was in a lot of pain. Is this a common side effect of Risperdal (assuming it was caused by this particular drug)? If so, has anybody else had a similar experience with this medication?
  6. Hi guys, I have just joined the forum and I was needing some advice. I suffer from severe OCD and intrusive thoughts. After having a major episode this year over the birth of my nephew, (should have been an exciting time, not OCD fuelled) I was having intrusive thoughts about my newborn nephew. I suffered major POCD and in the midst of this I was having thoughts about my ex boyfriends child. This guy has been a major source of pain in my life. Anyway, cut a long story short, I still have images of his daughter every time I have an episode. Question? Can OCD thoughts be obsessions about anything? Like why the fuck would I have thoughts about the child? It is really disturbing and upsetting. Currently on 300mg of Luvox, does jack shit for me as I have been on these meds since I was 24, I am now 42. Can anyone please shed some light? In addition to these thoughts, images of the child are also strange unnatural, sexual acts regarding her. It started off with my nephew and when I had a thought about her, thats when my world turned upside down. Now, it doesnt seem to go away during times of stress.
  7. I have no idea if I'm doing this right so bear with me: I have GAD and OCD (such a lovely combo) and I just got prescribed Brintellix to help me get out of the recent anxiety/panic hole I've dug myself into. I've been on every SSRI under the sun (I was diagnosed with this shit storm of anxiety, panic attacks and OCD when I was 11 and am now currently 31) and have had great success through the years with Luvox. Then I made the "mistake" or thinking I could live without it and stopped taking it (with my psychiatrist monitoring me) and now I can't even go to the mailbox without panicking. Also, Luvox now hates me and doesn't help. I've done the whole CBT thing and found it very helpful but I'm still very isolated to my apartment so meds are needed now. I stupidly read everything I could about Brintellix and the thing that popped up most was nausea and vomiting. I have a SEVERE vomiting phobia so now I'm afraid to keep taking Brintellix. I've taken 5mg for 4 days now and not felt any nausea (besides the usual anxiety nausea) and I actually haven't even thrown up since I was 12 (drunken throwing up doesn't count) so I kind of have a stomach of steel. My question is: would I have already experienced vomiting if it was going to happen? Or am I at risk of just all of a sudden developing that side effect? My doc says I'm going to veeerry slowly up the amount to avoid as many side effects as possible. Like I'll up the dosage by 2.5mg every 2 weeks. I also take it at night with an anti nausea med. Also, has it helped anyone's anxiety? I'd love to hear something positive. Thanks for the help!
  8. Hi, this is my first post on in the OCD group. I was diagnosed with OCD about 7 years ago but have been untreated for about 5 of those. I was feeling better and didn't feel like I needed help anymore. Lately, I've been obsessed with the idea that I don't have OCD, but have something else like schizophrenia or some kind of psychotic disorder. It has been pointed out to me that some of my symptoms do actually seem like Pure O OCD and I was just perceiving them as something else because I've had no compulsions outwardly. I always knew about pure O, but for some reason my mind obsessed about the fact that it could be something else which I realize is kind of part of the disorder . Basically, now I feel really stupid and think people are judging me for having these thoughts. It's like this never-ending cycle or questioning myself and self-hatred that I can't stop thinking about because I have OCD! I've been taking Zoloft 75 mg and Risperidone .75 mg per day for these problems. My doctor is going to increase the Zoloft but wanted to wait because I also have ADD and we're starting Adderall so she didn't want to add that and increase the medication at the same time. I have a few questions for other people that have been through this: 1. Does anyone have experience with Zoloft working to control their obsessions? I feel like they aren't going away and I know it takes time and I can increase dosages, but I'm just wondering if anyone has had success with it when finding the correct dose? 2. Has anyone else been prescribed a low dose antipsychotic for their OCD? I have paranoia because of my OCD and we were trying to stop those thoughts. I felt like it was working, but then realized I just became obsessed with other things. So what if I'm taking this medication and don't really need it? Anyone have success with antipsychotics? 3. Can anyone tell me Clomipramine works better for OCD than Zoloft? I just saw that it is almost exclusively used to treat OCD and didn't know if it was something I should ask my doctor about. Thanks for listening. I'm just feeling rather hopeless today. I don't want to get out of bed because something embarrassing happened last night and I obviously can't stop thinking about it. Another question: does anyone else have great difficulty being embarrassed? I feel like all I do is dwell on it for way too long. I am trying to stop. I just have no idea how. I feel like such a loser right now.
  9. Hey guys! First post on this website. TLDR- I have an obsessive fear that the world isn't real. It's hard to know if I believe in this idea (solipsism) or not, because if I did fully embrace it I don't believe that I would be afraid of it/ feel intuitively like something is wrong. Backstory: Tripped on LSD two months ago, have never had any history of mental illness, got horribly depressed after the trip and started encountering this thought. I am obsessed with this thought, and think about it almost every second of the day. It's incredibly distressing, but I've started to develop habits to cope: spending time with family, seeing friends, running every day, exercising whenever I can, playing music. The power of the thought is definitely lessening-- I'm not as scared of it as I once was but I am exhausted by it: why do I obsess? It's so freaking annoying etc. Counterthoughts that have helped me: There's zero proof of this thought to hold any weight. I've lived 24 years of NEVER believing or feeling this way, this is obviously not how I'm "supposed" to feel. If this reality was fake, does it really matter? If I'm still able to love the people around me and feel emotion towards them, then this is as REAL as I need it to be. Prior to this "thought" I was almost always happy, which is something that in retrospect I have realized I took for granted 100%. This my first venture into depression and mental health issues and it is truly terrifying. Would love some guidance or assistance with this/ if anyone has any similar thoughts/ feelings and how they were able to overcome. Need to beat this.
  10. one of my obsessions is over the labels I use to define myself. my sexuality (which, I know, is it's own sub-type within the framework of OCD), my subcultures, my hobbies. I feel like I can't call myself a nerd, or a writer. as if I somehow am not qualified. or I'm using the word wrong. or it just doesn't apply to me the way it applies to other people. labels eat at me, I can't stop thinking about them, but they all feel wrong. nothing fits, nothing's right. but I need to know what is right. I need to sort myself into boxes so I make sense. so I'm not chaos made flesh. I feel like if I can't define myself, with certainty, that I'm not a person. does anyone else have this?
  11. Hi all, I've done a little lurking and thought I would finally post something in hopes of being able to relate to others, get advice and perhaps even help others. Let me introduce myself. I'm Sara, I am a 29 year old mother to one beautiful, 5 year old little girl. She's my only. And my everything. Not long after giving birth to my daughter, I developed postpartum depression and OCD. The OCD took the form of intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of harming my baby. Of course, this sent me on the worst anxiety roller coaster I had ever experienced. I didn't understand what was happening to me or why. I knew I didn't want the thoughts or to harm my tiny baby but I couldn't turn off the thoughts. I started googling and that was both a blessing and curse. I found stories of other women suffering from Postpartum OCD and quickly realized that I had just that. But I also came across awful stories of psychosis that only sent my anxiety to the highest peak imaginable. I eventually convinced myself that I would become psychotic and harm my child. I never had the desire to act on my thoughts (thankfully) but would have to assure myself that if I ever felt that I was going to act on the thoughts, I would take my own life before I harmed my child in any way. Now I was paralyzed with fear and unable to function so I sought out help. After a few trials of multiple drugs and psych's, I ended up on Luvox which literally saved my life. I stayed on for 3 years and functioned really well. Took a break for a year and then last year, had a particularly rough and stressful time in my life and I wasn't coping so well so I decided to go back on. About 6 months being back on Luvox, I became less motivated, anxiety started creeping back in and then the intrusive thoughts resurfaced briefly. The thoughts arent there so much now and I think they only lasted briefly because I recalled how to manage them from prior CBT therapy. However, the anxiety, the feeling of "Something is really wrong with me" wouldn't leave. So back to the psych I went. She ordered genetic testing which revealed I have the COMT met/met gene mutation- meaning I have excess dopamine in my brain. Luvox is not effective or has adverse reactions to those with this type of mutation and advised that I taper off because it was now ineffective. Which I don't understand completely because it worked well for so long before and now- nothing. So the tapering is going...I wouldn't say well... but it's going. Im down to 25mg. And let me tell you, this is HARD to get off of. Looking back at my life, I realize that there were always OCD tendencies ad anxiety issues thanks to traumatic events in my childhood. But I guess full on OCD came on when I gave birth to my child. Currently, I just feel something is "off", I have anxiety like crazy, I obsess with whether or not I am or will become schizophrenic because yup, my OCD has turned me into a compulsive "googler," As soon as I see an article about the gene mutation I have being related to schizophrenia or psychosis, I basically panic. (thought the literature says it isn't always) I get incredibly anxious and dizzy in public, I experience DP/DR, I have hypnagogic hallucinations which can be attributed to the meds, the anxiety or even narcolepsy. I'm not sure what it is that is "off" or if this is all attributed to tapering off of luvox. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my story.
  12. Hi there, Anyone here try haloperidol to control OCD symptoms? If so how did things work out? I know everyone is different, I would just like to get a general picture. Truth be told, I'm pretty nervous because someone once told me about what a horrible drug it was and how it makes you kind of psychotic. Eek. However, my Pdoc is putting me on a very low dose (1-2mg daily.) Any comments would be of big help. Thanks, Poem
  13. Hi guys, it has been awhile.... Well, my OCD germaphobe habits are starting to tick badly again. I think it is the result of my actually going over to another person's place. OMG, right? I've been a couple of times and try to be polite, but I can't wait to leave and clean myself like crazy!!! This was before they got a pet. And this is the kicker...the last time I was over their pet made a mess on the floor, and they picked up the mess BUT DID NOT CLEAN THE FLOOR. For a moment I was literally paralyzed because I had to cross over that area to get to another spot. I pretended to shake it off, but for the rest of the visit I kept thinking about all the germs that could be on that carpet from now and before. It was horrible. I wanted to trash all my clothes. Now I am reluctant to visit again, but I can't really ignore this person. So this is the problem. I told them at a previous visit (before the whole mess thing) that I was "a bit of a germaphobe." They were a little incredulous, but now I need to seriously tell them that this is a problem for me, but I'm not sure how. I have offered time and again to give them a pet carpet cleaner, but they decline. And I really don't want to go over there again because in my mind everything is contaminated. It wasn't so bad before the pet (well it was bad) but now.... Any ideas? I'd be glad to hear them. Until then I'll be alienating "dirty" clothes, showering, washing my hands, lysol spraying the doorknobs, and glaring at people who sneeze in public. Poem
  14. Hello I am currently cross tapering from Paroxetine (Paxil) to Fluoxetine (Prozac) for OCD. Right now I am taking 20mg Fluoxetine and 30mg Paroxetine. The idea is to stop Paroxetine and to increase dose of Fluoxetine to 40 or 60mg. Could you share with me, in your opinion, what is the optimal dose to treat OCD symptoms?
  15. Hi guys, This is my first time asking the internet for advice so apologies if I screw anything up and for the novel-length post. I’m not at immediate risk - things are getting rocky again but I have already made appointments to see a doctor and therapist. I would appreciate any feedback, comments, similar experiences, or being pointed towards useful resources. In terms of background, I think things went a little off for me around 13. My sleep has been shoddy since. When I was 14 for a year I barely left my room, didn't go to school (not a country where it mattered), would occasionally run away, punched walls and experimented with various forms of self-harm, would spend most of my time in bed staring at the ceiling, often very badly wanted to end it but couldn't inflict that disaster on my parents who then bore the brunt of my anger when I decided that they were to blame for standing in my way. So I thought often about killing them too because that's logical. In retrospect a pretty classic case of angsty teenage depression. At one point my sleep was very disturbed for almost a week. I went downstairs to get a yoghurt and insects started crawling all over me and I saw lots of blood. I very vividly remember that I used my fingers to push through my eardrums into my head and then pushed out my eyeballs from behind. I was terrified but internalised it and was probably in denial that it had happened or that it was me who saw that (if that makes sense). I’ve never watched horror films, have never witnessed a car accident, or in fact had anything traumatic happen to me at all. Who knows. I eventually got over the worst of it and aside from occasional periods of depression and self-harm nothing much happened until about 2013 when things went south a little bit. I felt like I was moving through slush and that people were talking to me underwater. It took a little bit of time, probably around two weeks, for me to get myself to a doctor (I’m stubborn and I thought I might be getting sick again and I was scared I would end up like a close relative whose mental illness has turned her into a zombie). I was immediately diagnosed with depression and prescribed ssris that I took at best sporadically, since I had a deep-down belief that relying on them would mean I was weak (more logic). From there on things degenerated somewhat. I began to hear the radio, or someone slamming the door and moving around, but I would head on over to switch the radio off or say hello to my roommate and the radio would already be off and no-one had come home. Then I began to have episodes where I would again feel my hands were pushing through my ears to pop out my eyeballs, and I would dig holes in my chest til I could see my exposed ribs and snap them, and mushy bits would ooze everywhere and there would be a lot of blood and a lot of pain. Seeing this would often trigger a panic attack. I sometimes had panic attacks without images but never images that didn’t trigger absolute panic, since they were fairly terrifying things to witness. Once I had to be physically restrained because I was trying to scratch something out of my arm with my fingernails and by the time someone noticed I had scratched a deep enough wound to leave a pretty gross scar that won’t go away no matter how much bloody bio oil I massage into it. During another episode my boyfriend at the time had come up for a cup of tea or something and I apparently told him things were coming and that he had to take a knife and kill me before things happened. Sometimes I had to self-harm quickly because I could feel things coming and if I could see and feel my hands doing something like that then it was easier to believe that they weren’t doing something else, if that makes any sense. I was hospitalised twice in crisis situations but the psychiatric wards were mindnumbing and I was scared that being surrounded by people with serious issues would somehow trigger or emphasise mine so I always got out as soon as I could. I was variously diagnosed with severe anxiety with intrusive thoughts, depression, bpd, psychosis, or preschizophrenic symptoms. At the time I didn’t read anything on the internet or in books as I thought I might be influenced by what I read so I let the doctors do their thing, but at a later date I started reading around and although I identify strongly with descriptions of depression and anxiety (then again I already knew that) and partially with some descriptions of psychosis, I think the diagnoses of schizophrenia or bpd were patently bollocks which has shaken my trust in doctors a little. I was prescribed with anti-depressants, benzodiazepines, and anti-psychotics but even aside from my inherent stubbornness against medication I was in no fit state to stick to a treatment plan so took them erratically, I wouldn’t take them and them someone would notice and force me to take them for a while and then I would stop again etc. At some point I moved home and got a very manual job which left me physically exhausted and with no free time so I was in a comforting cycle of work sleep work sleep etc. I was screened again for psychosis but the symptoms had begun to subside and I found that recounting the experience was very distressing so didn’t take any form of treatment further - I was just grateful that it seemed to have stopped and that the whole thing was over. Things have been alright for a long time now but I’m having some wobbles and in any case I can’t keep working to the point of exhaustion just to keep from spiralling. I want to be able to have free time and enjoy it without immediately sinking into a cycle where I feel happy and energetic and then flip flop into comatose and then when I get energy again I can’t enjoy it because I have to catch up on everything I didn’t do when I was comatose. I want to be able to do things that are intellectually demanding without grinding to a halt and have happy, fun relationships and most of all I want to seek treatment and finally fess up to what happened and do everything I can so that it doesn't happen again because it's terrifying and it's kind of bollocks that the fear I have of these images is enough to trigger a panic attack because honestly the way these things feed off each other is fairly toxic. I know I’ve got depression and anxiety and panic attacks and I’ve read many accounts I identify with and that have helped me consider these things difficult but approachable and certainly not the end of the world. It’s the episodes I’d appreciate talking through. I’ve read accounts of intrusive images in relation to OCD and anxiety and I think it must be that, but these accounts haven’t quite rung true in the same way that accounts of depression have with me. I suppose they’re not psychosis or delusions because it’s pretty obvious after that they didn’t happen (or I’d have spent a lot of 2013/14 just splopping my eyeballs back into their sockets like some deranged bungee jumper). Also they just sort of went away after a while but these recent wobbles have me paranoid that they’ll come back. Please help me pinpoint what happened so I can try and fix it. And if you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read.
  16. I've been on a checking spree. I check that my door is locked multiple times a day. Check, and double check that my oven is off at night (even if I haven't used it at all that day!). I also find that I have to do certain things again or I don't feel right/things won't be right (rituals). I have to touch certain things when I go for a walk, I have to say goodnight to certain inanimate objects, I have to thank certain inanimate objects for doing what they are supposed to do anyway...*sigh* It has been awhile since this has been so pronounced. At least I am not morbidly obsessing or washing my hands ten times over or going up and down stairs repeatedly! Although I am still very germ cautious and always change from outdoor to indoor clothes, and if rewearing (like jeans) I have a separate place to put them because they are "contaminated." Silly brain of mine...I guess I just needed to vent a bit. It all seems so silly, but then it is not.
  17. One thing I have discovered over the past several months is that my OCD is very strongly obsessional in character (my other OCD symptoms are comparatively mild), and probably the biggest thing I obsess about is MI itself, including OCD itself. This is to the point that any MI symptoms that I become newly aware of I obsess about intensely, until it becomes not as novel anymore or the symptoms go away altogether. And I really do not know how to think about MI symptoms without obsessing. The problem with this is that people, e.g. in chat, will notice that I am obsessing intensely and point it out, which while making me feel intense shame (I feel shame whenever I become aware of my obsessing), also feels very invalidating, because, after all, these are real symptoms, and if they did not matter I would not be obsessing about them in the first place. Case in point, I relatively recently gained insight into my avolition and other negative and disorganized symptoms, which I had been previously oblivious to. As a result I started obsessing about them considerably. And when I was told I was obsessing, it made it feel like my actual concerns about said symptoms were being invalidated, as when I tried to think about them rationally, I could not see how they could not be a problem; after all, it is definitely not normal to, when not nagged to do so, brush one's teeth only once a week (or sometimes, once every two weeks), simply not try to take one's meds on a regular basis at regular times, leave bills unpaid or even unopened for months on end, let one's environment fall into a complete and utter mess without trying to do anything about it, not even try to get any exercise, not be able to maintain regular hours, and so on. I recently have been trying to build structure, through logging and reporting to an accountabilibuddy (my best friend), for actually trying to do these things on a daily basis. But if this is really just all OCD at work, then should I not even try, as these are not actually a problem then? (Other symptoms which are not simply a lack of doing things that are still obvious problems which I try to think about them rationally are feeling like there is an invisible wall around me separating me from everyone else, having inappropriate affect, being unable to understand English or whole conversations which are spoken loudly enough, and so on.) So I do not know what to do about this. I am obviously obsessing, but then what I am obsessing about are real problems. Yet being told that I am obsessing makes me feel like the real problems are being dismissed. So what do I do about real problems so that, on one hand, I do not obsess about them, and on the other hand, that I do not let other people dismiss the underlying problems in pointing out that I am obsessing? But I don't know how not to obsess in the first place. I know that I stop obsessing for a while when someone points out that I am obsessing, but it always leaks back in without me noticing, so I have to be told about it again, and again later, and so on. (I do not have insight into it when I have not been told about it recently.)
  18. Can I ask how does weed affect you? And if you'd say what "disorder(s)" you deal with? Just wondering, it seems too have different affects on different people.. Wonder if it's got something to do with how you're already wired. Personally,. PLEASE INPUT?
  19. Too in your head to be voices, too loud to be normal thoughts? MAybe i'm talking about different things here... Do you know what I'm saying if I say thoughts that won't stop talking? Not always a bad thing, but I'm very unresponsive to outside stimulation when I'm like this. It's llike all this information just goes into your mind like BAAM BAM usually accompanied by visuals in the brain (not usually literally visual) just being supper "absorbed" idk is that the right word? sometimes its random "voices", "loud thoughts" NOT auditory. saying something just plain random.ex "Jerome, I kow you aint been at the grocery store!" or. .. "that's why old ladies don't buy eachhothers facewash" etc... maybe I'm all over the place here maybe I'm looking for some direction. ALso idk I this is EVEN RELATED but hearing the wrong the wrong words out of people's mouths. Like, they say "something" nd I hear "what a fuckin bitch" or I hear "that was in ur head" and I say "wtf did u just say?!" and they sa y "something"..................... one more thing is that I SOMETIMES INVOLUNTARILY repeat the same phrase over n over(in my head or outloud) . why. if u have ny insight into one or more of these things I woud like to hear about it.. thnx for reading ttyl
  20. Hey, I have really bad religious OCD. When I was seeing a CBT therapist, it was a lot better (years ago), but it's relapsed lately and it would help to get an outside perspective to see what is religious guilt and what is OCD. Right now, I am working a job that requires a lot of mentoring and advising students, have a steady boyfriend, and am strongly involved in the church. But I also struggle a lot with a couple of things: masturbation and reading the scriptures. Every once and a while I'll slip up on the former and the latter, I'm trying to get a lot better at. Here's where the OCD comes in: I get a lot of anxiety that if I do or don't do a certain thing, then it will have eternal consequences. Like if I slip up on the first thing, then I'll think "I will never get married because of this, God is going to punish me" or "because of this, I won't be able to have the spiritual strength to guide the students in my job." Same if I miss a day of scripture study. I get so anxious that if I mess up, it will have irreversible consequences and result in loss of blessings (very specific ones, too) that I can never gain back. It's getting to the point where it's everything. Listening to a song that has a bit of swearing--eternal consequences. Not being as giving and kind as I could be--eternal consequences. Skipping Sunday School because the teacher is boring--consequences. Forgetting to say a prayer before bed--consequences. But mostly the main two things mentioned above, I've just noticed it's spreading lately. How do I know if these are feelings that God or the Holy Ghost are prompting or if it's just OCD? I feel really guilty for doing these things and am trying to stop, but it's hard to separate what is guilt and what is OCD. Does God revoke blessings permanently for messing up or take away the ability to do well at one's job? What can I do to deal with these thoughts?
  21. I took Anafranil for 10 years and it pooped out one year ago. I took Buspar and Vistaril for 6 months. I found an amazing psych dr and she did a genetic test and I matched with Zoloft. Also it said I had a MTHFR gene mutation. So, I started eating high folate diet, seeing the psych every two weeks, and I started taking liquid Zoloft. Started at 5mg and went up 1 milligram every two days until I hit 25. It worked amazingly! Worked like it is supposed to. She and I decided it needed increase again due to breakthrough OCD symptoms. So I took about a month to go to 37.5. Been there a month now. So in the meantime, she left the practice and now my doc is crap. I stopped eating the high folate and a lot of stress hit me at the same time. So, I started having anxiety attacks again. Like before when the Anafranil pooped out. I feel like it is happening again. My family says I was not at a therapeutic dose and increasing to 50 will help. Also, getting back on the high folate and a new doc. So, my question, did it poop out since my symptoms are similar to the Anafranil or do I just need a dose increase? Can a less than therapeutic dose combined with the doc leaving and stopping folate cause this? Can it be fixed? Thanks in advance!
  22. I have had horrible depressive nightmares as a result of severe depression throughout my life. These depressive nightmares were not normal experiences of a normal healthy depressed brain. They were experiences of a severely ill and tormented brain since my depression has gotten to the point of being so severe that it has taken my life away. The depression (hopelessness) and the horrible mental states experienced in those nightmares were nothing normal and was beyond anything imaginable since experiences in nightmares are nothing like experiences in your waking life. People who have near death experiences sometimes have distressing or hellish ones. They experience the horrible indescribable mental states that they experience in their worst nightmares just as bad or even far worse than their worst nightmares. But it's much worse since they experience it fully conscious since people are fully conscious and aware during their near death experiences. They are hyper aware and everything is hyper real. To be fully aware and conscious of these horrible experiences is far worse than being less aware of them during your nightmares. If I ever have a near death experience myself someday, then there is the possibility that I could experience those horrible indescribable depressive mental states that I experienced in those depressive nightmares. To experience that fully conscious would be something so indescribably horrible that there is no way for me to be fine with that and not worry about that. The possibility (no matter how slim) that I could have such a hellish or distressing near death experience has completely taken my life away from me. It is a constant non-stop 24/7 obsessive worry that has destroyed my life to where I am not functioning and not doing any of my hobbies, it has troubled me, traumatized me, and has made everything in my life completely devoid of all joy and meaning to make my life worth living. So my life is now completely gone and is no longer worth living which is why I have to somehow find a way to address this worry so that I can have my life back. But I don't think it's possible and I think there is no hope since it is impossible for me to let something this horrible go and to be at peace with and allow myself to be fine with the idea of possibly experiencing this. I am fine with and am at peace with facing any horrible experience in my waking life since these experiences are normal no matter how bad they are. But those experiences in my depressive nightmares was something indescribable. They were completely altered abnormal mental states that were an indescribable hell. They were far beyond just some really horrible nightmarish experience. It was beyond anything imaginable and there is no way I am fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing that again fully conscious during a near death experience. There is no way for me to just be here in the moment and not to worry about it. I don't think any therapeutic techniques can help this. This is something so far beyond horrible that there is no possible way for me to let this go, be at peace with, and not worry about. This situation seems like it is far beyond therapy and other known relaxation, meditation, coping, etc. techniques. So what do we do for this and what hope is there for this? I will add two additional points that are important that I would like to make. The first being that as long as I have this obsessive worry, my life will continue to remain empty and miserable like this. Having such obsessive depressive worries in your life causes your mind to focus on a problem and to shut out everything else in your life so that everything else is completely shut out of all joy and significance (meaning). As long as I have this worry, then everything in my life will continue to remain dead and empty to me since my mind will always continue to shut those things out. I will also remain non-functional in doing my hobbies and such since having this trouble and worry has rendered me this way. The last point I would like to make is that some therapists and mental health professionals would say that it is all my way of looking at those mental states in my depressive nightmares. That if I were to instead look at them differently such as looking at them from a more positive and less horrible perspective, that I wouldn't have to worry about experiencing them again fully conscious during a near death experience. But the experience is what it is. It truly was that horrible and no change of thinking can change that experience for what it truly was. During that time I had those horrible depressive nightmares, I was so desperate to try this. I was so desperate to try and take away the horrible power of these experiences by telling myself before I went to bed that they are nothing more than unpleasant experiences, that I can look at them from less horrible perspectives to make these experiences less horrible, etc. But that did nothing. When I had those depressive nightmares, the experiences were just as horrible. So this says that experiences alone in of themselves can be the absolute worst and most horrible or they can be the absolute best and glorious. This says that the experiences themselves alone have this power and that it is not just simply your way of looking at them. If it was nothing more than your way of looking at them, then a change of thought should change the experience. In other words, if you looked at a certain experience in the very beginning as the most horrible experience, but then changed your perspective of that experience as being nothing more than an unpleasant feeling, then that is all that it should be now. So next time you have it again, it won't bother you that much and would now just be nothing more than an unpleasant feeling and would no longer be the horrible experience it was before. But this isn't the case for me. The experience is what it is regardless of how I choose to view it in a different manner. In conclusion, some therapists would tell me: "Yes, it may very well be that horrible of an experience. But you'll get through it no matter how horrible it is if it ever does happen to you." This statement does not make me any less worried. It does not bring me peace or anything. You do not realize what this is. You do not realize just how horrible that experience was. There is no possible way for me to be at ease with the idea of experiencing it fully conscious during a near death experience.
  23. Anyone out there suffer from morbid obsessions that are apparently Pure O related (no real compulsions)? This can be thoughts of harming others or self in horrible ways, commiting atrocious crimes, or otherwise totally inappropriate thoughts that cause great distress because you know you would never do something like that. Here is a link which begins with a more detailed description of this phenomenon: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-violent-obsessions/ If anyone out there deals with this, have you found any good coping methods?
  24. So, I have been wondering about this today. From my research I know that clanging is a common verbal problem for those suffering with schizophrenia or bipolar psychosis. But has anyone experienced this phenomenon only mentally? Before I was diagnosed with my slew of problems I had a very intense episode of several days (if not a week) where I repeated rhyming, unrelated words in my head. It was maddening...it became some sort of mantra I couldn't stop. Now that I think about it, I repeated the words out loud in a desperate attempt to get them out of my head. I had a hard time thinking straight, couldn't sleep. Eventually it went away. But I do still find myself making strange word connections. Could this be an anxiety provoked OCD behaviour? Or some pre-bipolar onslaught? For the record, I have had some strange behaviors, but my PDOC has never classified me as being psychotic. Thanks, Poem
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