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Found 28 results

  1. Hello there, my name is Spokety. I"m having trouble dealing with my paranoia. I've been hospitalized way too many times in the past couple of years, especially recently. My symptoms are hard to treat because I'll have 0 paranoia and delusions for months and then all of a sudden I'll believe all these things and next thing I know I'm in a hospital. I've ran down the street naked a couple of times as a "protest" for what I believed was a government that was purposely trying to torture me using anti-psychotics. Another time I tried to go to jail by assaulting a woman in a grocery store. It happens so fast it's so hard for me to control myself and it seems pointless to see a therapist because I'm not paranoid at this moment so I don't know what to talk about. Therapists say that they don't think I can be treated without anti-psychotic medication but I've had some of my worst paranoid thoughts when I was taking medication orally or by injection so clearly that's not a solution. Plus I have side effects of medications that make life a living hell and I'd rather die then live like that. The only medication that doesn't seem to be as damaging is anti-anxiety meds, but I don't know if those will even help with paranoia or delusions. I don't hear voices or have hallucinations which is good, but the other things I have are very bad.
  2. Hi, I'm going to briefly describe my experience and see if anyone can relate or maybe if no one can that can answer my question about whether or not schizophrenia is a possible diagnosis for me. Basically, I have been in and out of therapy since I was 14 (I am now 25). Initially I was in talk therapy for what I perceived as depression. When I was 18 I had a really bad night that felt like it was brought on very suddenly. WARNING: potential triggers; describing paranoia and thoughts of self-harm I became convinced I was going to cut my fingers off. I had been feeling off for most of the night and it came to a head when I lay down in bed to go to sleep. I could not for the life of me get these thoughts out of my head and it was almost like someone was telling me to go ahead and do it. Now, I want to be clear. I did not hear an audible voice. It was much more internalized. However, it did still feel like something was telling me to do that. My mother had previously dealt with an anxiety disorder and continued to take medication for it. I went to her in a panic and told her, embarrassed, that I was sure I was losing my mind and was going to cut all of my fingers off even though I didn't want to. Thoughts along the lines of these ones continued since then. I thought people could magically kill or hurt me simply by touching something I was going to drink or eat. I hated when certain people would touch me and would think a lot of people were out to get me. I went to a psychiatrist since my therapist and mother felt I needed to go, along with myself feeling this way. She ended up diagnosing me with OCD anxiety and later just OCD as I continued to show symptoms involving checking certain behaviors. I went on a low dose of medication and became paranoid about that and discontinued use. Recently my paranoia has been exceedingly bad. I have not been able to sustain a relationship romantically as I always seem to get paranoid about people's intentions and behaviors (i.e. thinking people are obsessed with me, following me, or planning to physically harm me). I do not think my paranoia was totally unwarranted in some cases as some behaviors were unhealthy, but my responses to circumstances were blown up to a big extent. I constantly validate my feelings with others and am often told I am wrong. This is my problem. I do not feel like I have OCD. I'm not sure my current psychiatrist does either. We seem to be treating symptoms but don't really have a diagnoses. We have described it as depression, anxiety, paranoia and catastrophizing situations and ADHD. I haven't told her everything I'm feeling yet, but she prescribed me Zoloft and Risperidone since she wants to treat the paranoid thoughts. The Risperidone is at a very low dose and it seems to be doing something although my symptoms are not completely gone. She then added Adderall in the mix to treat my ADHD although she wants to take it slow with all the medications because there are a few different variables at play here. I am not trying to say I am schizophrenic. I don't necessarily think I am but I do have questions and am trying to learn more since what I describe as anxiety doesn't seem to really line up with how I have seen anxiety portrayed in many other people. I don't seem to have the physical symptoms of anxiety or typical anxious thoughts, but rather just display different forms of paranoia both with potentially realistic situations and very unrealistic situations.. I am just wondering about a couple of things: 1- I often get trapped in my own head and space out and feel I can't control my thoughts which are often negative in nature and putting me down or telling me someone is going to hurt me or that something in the universe is sending me a sign. That is when I get anxious. What I am wondering is could this be a sign of delusional thinking or does it sound like it could be a form of OCD instead of psychosis? 2- What does it feel like to hear voices? Do you physically hear them in your ears or is it more internalized thoughts that converse with you? 3- Are there warning signs for schizophrenia or related disorders that I could be exhibiting or is it generally pretty clear when someone has the disorder? I hope none of this is offensive. I am just starting a new mental health journey and am trying to understand the symptoms that I'm dealing with. I was hoping someone could tell me if I'm thinking incorrectly or if I'm possibly heading in the right direction with my thoughts?
  3. Hello, Warning: This is a really long post. The weird/bad stuff: So, while my Schizoaffective Disorder is mainly controlled by 3mg of Risperdal twice a day, I still have some weird things happened that I was wondering if anyone else experienced. I hear people calling my name ALL OF THE TIME. I will literally be on the bus and someone will be on their phone through a Bluetooth or something and I will look up and say, "I'm sorry, how do you know my name?" or "Did you call me?" or something. I will be sitting alone and hear my name, watching TV and hear it on the TV, etc. Or I think people are talking to me when they are not. Same thing with people on the bus, walking down the street, etc. I just hear things that are really not directed at me. One time I thought a woman said I dropped my money. I looked around and asked her what she said. She looked at me like I had thirteen heads. Also, I still hear voices sometimes. They are triggered by certain things. I don't self-harm any more, but on the rare occasion that I do decide to shave my face, they ramp up. Or if I see any razors in the house. Also, in the bathroom, when I'm alone(which is a lot!), when I'm under stress, or if I don't get a lot of sleep. They aren't as intense as they were before. They are more...random. I've started to hear a British voice. I have NO idea what the hell that is about. I have just random chatter that pops in sometimes. They used to be more direct, more command hallucinations. Now it's more like this...hmm. I'll be totally fine and in comes the most random shit. I'll just be sitting there and, I wish I had an example but it's 5:40 am and I can't think of one, but a voice will be like, "Hawaii has warm weather and there's a chicken in the cupboard." What?? Another thing. I get random delusional/paranoid/strange thoughts. I KNOW THEY ARE NOT REAL. My brain has this ongoing fight with me that my room mates have cameras in the house and they are watching me to make sure I am doing well. I counter them with fact checking. I'd see the cameras, it's not realistic, etc. My brain also tells me that my room mate is watching my browsing history, what I type, my journal entries on the computer, because I am borrowing her computer and somehow she can control that. Also, IT'S NOT REAL. But that thought pops into my head CONSTANTLY. More stuff. I am afraid aliens are going to abduct me. I've had that fear since I was a kid. I am afraid that if I think about it they will just show up and take me! I kind of have this delusion that they or some other supreme being are in my head constantly. So, I've started praying. I feel like if I don't pray before I eat bad stuff will happen. I feel like when I do pray, good things happen. When I don't, bad things happen. Somehow, that it is connected to aliens because that is somehow connected to the all powerful supreme being. I feel like they are in control of everything and I am being controlled and punished. It is TOTALLY DELUSIONAL AND NOT REAL. Ugh. The Good: Depression wise, I am doing the best I have in almost 6-7 years. My command hallucinations are under control, my suicidal urges are under control. I am motivated, taking care of my activities of daily living. I help my room mates take care of their animals, I do chores, I make appointments, I pretty much go somewhere in the city where I live via public transportation everyday despite my physical and mental health problems. I was in college and getting all A's, but had to withdrawal because of medical health problems. I am not letting my mental health issues stop me. So, I am thinking about bringing this post to my therapist this Wednesday. Honest opinions, folks: good/bad idea? Will I get sent to a hospital? I didn't bring it up to my Psychiatrist last week because I was afraid of being involuntarily committed or put on a sedating medication. My Psychiatrist is really nice and said if I needed to see her sooner, I could. I told her about the voices and that I didn't want to be put on another medication. She said it was fine. However, I am afraid that these symptoms will get worse and debilitating. I want to catch them while they are at the stage where I can handle them. Thanks for reading!
  4. For those of you who experience paranoia as well as panic, how do you cope? I had a bad attack yesterday where I felt something was behind me, and the only way I could feel somewhat safe was to put my back against the wall. This continued until my anxiety meds finally kicked in. I also called my on call facility to have someone to talk to. Anyway, does anyone have any other ideas on how to deal with something like this. It is freakin scary and I would love some answers. Thanks, Poem
  5. So first of all i am 18 years old so i can smoke cigarettes legally,bit i still live whit my parents and they don't know I smoke. I smoke because it takes away my general anxiety and is currently the only thing that can give strength and desire to do things, so I make my life lessmiserable, the problem is that sometimes even taking my Seroquel I have hallucinations about seeing people that know me or know my parents when I smoke, there were all hallucinations until yesterday. I was walking to college when a guy that knows me and my parents was behind me, at first I fought it was an hallucination but then I saw it was real,quickly I throwed the cigarette away and waited for him to come, I said hi and the we say goodbye and he left. Buy Idon't know if he saw me smoking, today that guy went to my dad class at church and it seemed he didn't told my dad anything but maybe because he didn't want to say it. I'm loosing my mind, im the son of a Pastor, and if they know I smoke a lot of baf things can happen. What can I do. I don't wanna stop smoking so please dont say I must stop smoking.
  6. Sometimes I get really bad anxiety when I have to go somewhere. I went to a play once and could not handle the anxiety. I had to take .5mg clonazepam to calm down. Basically I felt like everyone was watching me, like the orchestra section was staring at me. I just could not get comfortable without a med. Is this plain anxiety, or something else? I go to an event like this and I feel like the spotlight is on me and everyone is staring at me. I'm not even in the play. Move to the anxiety section if need be.
  7. This works allot for me, in instances of "he's gunna kill me" "I'm gunna be arrested, captured", etc ... Just to give in the fact that whatever is gunna happen, is gunna happen regardless and you're gunna die soon anyway so just enjoy your time before it does.. this helps ! But not in instances of someone I know is a pedophile etc.. these things I really try to convince myself are me being "delusional" , cause I don't want to believe it but I do, might convince myself I'm delusioning for a minute . Been paranoid about innapropriate relationships lately. Idk how to deal w it, wanna kill someone. Whether they're real or not, sometimes you just want things out of your head, amirite
  8. Hey guys I need your help! The past week and a half or so I've been getting progressively more paranoid and it's getting to the point I have panic attacks as I get ready to leave the house for work. I don't feel safe at work and am so stressed that I block out the majority of the day and have no idea what I do. When I shower the Shadows start chattering just quietly enough that I can't make out the words but I feel threatened by them, and they scramble my thoughts as I try to work. My pdoc just added Abilify 5mg to my meds in addition to Risperdal 3mg, Lamictal 200 mg, and Effexor 150mg. Have any of you had success with Abilify reducing paranoia? How soon might it work? I'm really struggling to get myself out of the house and to put in a day at work. I cry on the way there and usually on the way home too from the fear. I feel like they're plotting to capture me for experimenting. I don't know what for but I feel like they will keep me. Please help! Thank you so much!
  9. I don't know if anyone else experiences this particular worry but when I'm driving I won't use my windshield wipers unless I see other people using theirs. It's like I'm embarrassed and feel out of place if I don't act exactly the way they do, even though I know that no one is even paying attention to me anyway. I have many quirky things I worry about but this one struck my wife as particularly odd.
  10. I am mainly wondering where the line is between paranoia and anxiety is, but also where delusions fit in, for the sake of accuracy when I discuss things with my doctor. I will, of course, discuss in detail what I am experiencing with him, but I would like to call things by the correct name so I don't sound like I am either being dramatic or downplaying my experience. Our meetings are barely 15 minutes, so I want to be very clear with him. For example, I was recently very concerned and had a minor panic attack because I thought that my auto repair garage was going to try to kill me by messing with the fuel tank in my truck (which I took to them for repair) as revenge for them having difficulty finding a replacement tank. While I was waiting, they kept talking in the office between themselves about how other automobiles have suddenly exploded or caught fire from fuel leaks. At the time I took this as a threat. The worst of the feelings lasted only about half a day, but I am still anxious that they are going to rig my truck to catch fire/explode. I become so concerned by the end of the day that I had trouble talking to people or even doing everyday things. I am also constantly worried about the police raiding my house (I have done nothing wrong and have nothing illegal in my house). I have talked with my girlfriend about my fears, and she says they are not logically sound. I don't know whether to call these things severe anxiety, paranoia, delusions, or something else. The distinctions between these are not clear to me. Can anyone help clarify the medical distinction between the these, as you understand them?
  11. it's been years and my agoraphobia has been on and off... i am not quite sure how to get rid of it. i'm currently on a cocktail of meds... they keep me calm... but when i am out of the house.. the intrusive paranoid thoughts come and i seem not to be able to get a grip on them. I think of really bizarre stuff and it makes me question if its real or not.. like it feels real... is my imagination that good at tricking me? i thought the sky was going to fall on me once and that the road was going straight up and it made me very dizzy. does anyone else get those weird thoughts or distorted thinking?
  12. Hey folks. I had a strange event 2 years ago and I'm still trying to get out of the hole that I'm in. I had a sudden increase in depression, crying, and paranoia. Started having crying spells, usually about the topic of "healthy parent-child relations." By that I mean if I saw, or thought about, or saw a story on TV about a "touching" family event, I'd totally start bawling. I did not have that problem before that, to that extent. Human interest stories are particularly bad for me. I can also just sit and think about various things(parent-kid stuff) and I will cry. The worst is probably being in an environment where I can't "escape" and hearing a song that is a trigger. I will lose it every time. I've increased my lithium dose, which seemed to lower the crying. Added a little Brintellix which seemed to help only a tad. We(me and 2 professionals) are trying to figure out if this is just a biological thing or if this is a core "issue". Either way, the crying seems very exaggerated. Even if I'm facing a problem I need to deal with(like changing a tire) I nearly get into tears. Bummer as I can't work, there is always music in every workplace that's pervasive. Is the crying purely biological or a legacy family issue?
  13. Hello Everybody It's my first time on this board and it looks like the right place for me with my current condition so I just wanted to say hey A little about me : I'm 23 years old and recently after developing psychosis :/ (about 3 weeks ago) and its really freaking me out ; racing thoughts, paranoia, delusional thinking, inability to form a sentence when talking to people, hard to concentrate when people are talking to me as my mind would race, fear people were judging me , isolating as a result, and to top it off , a bad bout of insomnia because ofthe racing thoughts. (I would have went to bed at 11pm and not be able to sleep till 6am next day out of exhaustion) I didn't know what to do , so I walked ( very clumsily) to my local A&E and was in an absolute mess when I got there. I told the receptionist I needed to speak to a psychiatrist ASAP and they said to wait in the waiting room , which I did and took only a half an hour but it felt like an eternity because I was just beginning to experience mild visual hallucinations , which kind of freaked me out even more.. So I met with the psychiatrist and he reccomended I take Olanzapine, which I did for 3 or 4 days but I didn't see any improvements in my thinking processes from it. It just seemed to make me hungry and sleepy.. So I discontinued it, and that was about 2 weeks ago and the jumbled thinking was still there. It seemed to be worse during the morning than at night for some reason.. So after 2 weeks, and no improvements , I went to my local doctor and they precribed '' Klonopin AKA clonazepam '' ''0.5mg take 1 - 2 twice daily '' I took one 0.5mg clonazepam tablet about 10 hours ago as of this writing and I must say i feel sooo much better , it is after making some difference. The intrusive thoughts I was having have somewhat subsided , if I were to put it on a scale : before it was 80% , now it feels like its down to 20% . My racing thoughts are no longer racing nearly as much and I feel little anxeity around having psychosis after taking this newly prescribed medication.. Now after doing a little bit of research on this new drug the Doc prescribed me, it is generally for short term use and NOT as an antipsychotic med per se... AND , after a little more research, withdrawls from clonazepam seemingly can actually INDUCE a psychotic episode and hallucinations!! So I don't know what to do now going forward.. I would prefer to avoid medication if at all possible, and go down different routes that seemingly help, like CBT, regular exercise, group therapies etc, I have hope for the future at the moment , though I am aware that I am writing this after takng the new medication for the first time ,so my thoughts and feelings when I wake up tomorrow morning could completely change :/ So thats me, I'm happy to be part of crazyboards, Thank you Joe
  14. I'm not sure if this falls under depression but since that is my current official DX (along with social anxiety/OCD) I will put it here. Does anyone else feel like they are being watched or spied on? I mean like I'm siting at the computer and I will turn around quite often as I get the feeling someone is there watching me. I will watch the reflection in the screen to make sure sometimes. Alternatively I start thinking maybe someone has hidden a spy camera in my room, or in the shower, etc. I keep my computer webcam covered up because I worry someone could hack into it and start watching me. Maybe the government or just some random pervert spying on me. I often think "what if someone can see/hear what I am doing right now, I would look pretty silly". Another example is if I wake up at night to pee then I need to turn my bedroom light on and check all around the room to make sure nobody is hiding there watching me before I can get back into bed. I know these thoughts are irrational and it is highly unlikely anyone is watching me. Quite frankly I'm not important enough and my life isn't interesting enough to be worth spying on.... but even so I can't shake the feeling. I also can't help but wonder if these feelings are normal? Or if they are caused by anxiety and depression, or if it is something else??
  15. Thought Knot

    From the album Tip's Mind 1

    This one is about when my thoughts are all twisted and knotted and I'm having lots of anxiety. My thoughts are twisted into a knot.
  16. Lately I've become rather convinced that anytime I say something out loud I "jinx" myself and cause it to fail. For example, if I were to say "I'm going to see this movie tonight" I feel that by saying that I will cause some unforeseen circumstance to derail my plans. My logical brain wants to believe it isn't true although I can actually name several instances in which things have gone awry only after I voice these plans to others, or even if I acknowledge them to myself. It's reached a point at which I am afraid to even think about certain things too hard for fear that I will ruin my own life with my thoughts, but my damn bipolar mouth prevents me from disclosing details about my life and plans before I end up saying them to someone (or several people depending on how manic I am). Then it always gets messed up somehow, like I was excited to take my sister to a meet and greet for one of her favorite bands for her birthday, I was so pumped that I told several people about it and then...yesterday the band announced that the event is 21+. So I'm convinced now that this happened because I said it aloud. Anyways, I can't quite tell if I'm having delusions or what's really going on is several unfortunate coincidences. I am now questioning things from my past like "did that relationship end because I was so sure that it wouldn't?" or "did my band break up because I told so many people that I was sure we would be successful?" or "did that friendship end because I was so confident that it would last forever?" or if I mention any creative pursuits to people I will suddenly lose interest in completing them. It's strange and fucked up and I'm literally becoming too paranoid to think my own thoughts or to voice them to my loved ones. But again, my bipolar brain causes me to spew these things aloud and ruin things for myself. I probably sound crazy. By the way, I'm taking 200 mgs of Lamictal and am still having episodes as I don't think my doctor and I have found the right medication(s) for me yet. Hope you all are having a good new year so far, and I would appreciate any feedback or similar experiences you all can offer.
  17. I recently had a fight with my girlfriend, and it got me to reading about projective identification. I was reading things about MIs like Borderline/Narcissistic PDs and behaviors like mobbing, projective identification, and it seems like: A) There are a high number of people, close and not close, in my life who have these MIs B) I am the victim of their pathologies and also of these general behaviors I know that people are probably thinking I'm getting trigger happy with dxs, but I think in my personal life I attract them/am attracted by them. It kind of freaks me out to think about. Like maybe I have a PD myself or (and I think this is certainly true) there's something wrong with me that makes me the constant victim to this behavior. Am I being crazy or could this really be true? I read that the abusive behaviors people with these PDs exhibit would be targeted towards someone no matter what, but I, throughout my life, feel singled out in this regard. I am the one who gets ganged up on and abused. And people, who normally seem okay, don't seem to care. Am I just totally fucked up, or is humanity/society fucked up (I live in the US), or both? I'd be happy to answer almost any questions about my circumstances, why I've come to the conclusions I have, etc. It's really disturbing to me.
  18. watching me

    From the album Art Dump

    Mixed media 22x24
  19. Where do I start? My friend and I were recently talking about how we feel weird with our t shirts and posters of a particular celebrity, because we have this weird and disconcerting feeling that they can see us, hear us, is watching what we do and judging. Yes..... we are crazy. I've had this feeling pretty much my whole life, and thought I was alone, until my friend confided in me that she feels uncomfortable when wearing her t shirt. I Googled it, and was surprised to find loads of questions on Yahoo Answers from teenagers who felt like their posters were watching them. They even said they couldn't get changed in their own rooms because of their posters. What the hell is this? It's physically impossible, absurdly crazy, for a human being to see and hear through an image, a picture taken in one second, one moment, years and years ago. It seems to be worse if the celebrity is deceased - perhaps they're spying through the paper, cotton, plastic etc. from another dimension, giggling at our private moments. Is this OCD, paranoia, social phobia, what? Is this really more common than anyone realizes?
  20. don't want to die

    I can see you all. I'm here. Why won't anybody tell me whats going on? When i think about death or dying I imagine myself sitting on the outside. I'm not realy there. Classic Mr. Scrooge
  21. I'm sorry if this has already been posted by others. Lately I've been noticing that I'm actually afraid to change my behaviour, because I'm worried people wouldn't like who I turn into, and things would somehow get worse. I want to feel attractive, sexy, happy, hopeful, confident, etc. All of these are completely normal and people are expected to feel that way about themselves. But, I'm scared that people have gotten used to me the way I am, and that all of these things would change me so much that I become a whole other person. I would LOVE to feel like a brand new person, but what about my family and friends? If I felt attractive, sexy, and like a grown woman rather than a little girl, I'm afraid that my parents - who I still live with - would sense it, and would think I'm out to have sex. Frankly I'd love to be having sex, but it would be really embarrassing if my parents thought I was, or was capable of it. At the moment I'm almost completely sexless, like a little girl. I'm not a virgin, but I act like a child. I FEEL like a child. Which is probably the way my parents want it. I doubt any of that made sense to you! My friends are very shy, awkward, and have problems similar to my own. I think we are all introverts, and we all like rather childish things. I feel almost trapped by the childishness, and I'm desperate to feel more grown up... but my friends are stuck in the in-between from childhood to adulthood, too. I'm scared that if I were to act more mature, they wouldn't know what to do with me. That they wouldn't like me or be able to relate to me anymore. I've tried talking to them about my feelings of self-hatred and that I feel like I need to make a BIG change to myself, but... I'm not sure how they'd react if I did. When I told them, we were all being honest about our own fears and feelings. We pretty much just listened to eachother and looked at eachother. And fidgeted. I love my friends, but it feels really awkward with them. I don't know if that's just because we all have problems... it probably is. But I feel quite... reserved with them. And that really bugs me. Of course, I'm not only afraid to change because of what other people may think. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to keep it up, that I'd be fake, that I'd just be lying to myself and others about who I am. I'm scared to feel sexy and attractive because then I might want to have intimate relationships. And that would make me feel very, very lonely. I also have this strange belief that I must act the way I look. I feel ugly, so I can't behave as if I were pretty. I look like a kid, so I can't act like a woman. Etc. Thank you for reading my thread!
  22. AHOY

    This is hands down, the best forum, I have ever found. So fitting, Call me jo, I'm 20 I make no sense, unless you speak my paradoxical tongue. I'm anxiety, depressed, hate, love and paranoia ridden. I'm a romantic, with bold boundaries. I look forward to these talks. xo
  23. Hi I'm new to the boards and I'm introducing myself now, hoping to gain help and insight from others. I am a 20 year old girl and had a psychotic break last summer. During the break, I was thinking about how people get circumcised, and for some reason, I was paranoid that people were out to get me to circumcise me even though I'm a girl. Anyway, now I no longer believe people are out to get me, but when I see anything such as a knife, a scissor, or for example today a large branch cutter, I imagine that that is what is being used to circumcise me. These thoughts are very alarming to me and are very bothersome. Any ideas to help prevent them? Thanks. edit: I am taking an antipsychotic and an antidepressant
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