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Found 33 results

  1. Today my mom told me she was trying to find a counselor. Today was the first day I wore short sleeves without makeup on my arm. Today I don't have to live in fear about people finding out.
  2. I have been sick for the past few days. My mom was taking care of me and she rolled up my hoodie sleeve and saw my scars. She questioned them and I didn't reply. Then she told me she is not mad, she just wants me to be happy. She took away my razors and told my dad. Both my parents reacted very calm about it, I'm so grateful and blessed to have parents like this. They don't want me to be stressed. They don't want to see me like this. My mom suggested other coping mechanisms. She also said I could talk to her anytime if something is bothering me. I might be able to get a counselor sometime. 😊
  3. A challenge

    Okay, so I've set up a challenge for myself. I'm gonna try to stay clean. I know, it's pretty difficult, easier said than done. As of now, September 29th, I've been clean for nine days.
  4. So as the title says, I am trying to start a depression support group at the community college I attend. I live in a very rural area and the closest place that would have anything like this is 25-30 miles away. The only problem I have is that I have never done anything like this and I need help. I would like to hear your experiences if you've ever attended a support group, good and bad. I would like for my group to be around 50% educational and 50% venting. Any suggestions or maybe a recommendation on what i can talk about would be highly appreciated.
  5. Perceiving value in your life is not a thought form of perception (awareness) at all. Rather, it is an emotional awareness. In other words, our emotions do not have some sort of mind control effect on us where they force us to perceive, through our thinking, our lives being good or bad to us. It is purely the emotions themselves that allow us to see values in our lives. Emotions are actually a sense like sight. They allow us to see the values that things and situations hold in our lives. It is only our positive emotions that allow us to see the positive qualities of life (i.e. the good values) while it is only our negative emotions that allow us to see the negative qualities of life (i.e. the bad values). Having neither positive nor negative emotions would be no different than a blind person. No value judgment can allow this blind person to see just as how no value judgment or mindset can allow us to see the values in our lives.
  6. Just want to get better

    Hello. My name is Lisa. ive been struggling with the addiction of cutting since 14 years old. I am now 28. I have good months and I've even gone a year without cutting. Recently I went back to self harming. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel sad constantly. I have an amazing husband that treats me like a princess but I still just don't feel good enough. He knows my cutting history and does everything to support me. I started seeing a therapist again.. and I hope that starts working. I can't talk to any of my friends about my struggles. It would be nice to have someone to lean on that can keep me strong. Just need people that understand the addiction. Thanks for listening.
  7. I have a friend who suffers from horrible flashbacks and I have a question regarding flashbacks. We know the types of experiences flashbacks can bring back such as certain smells, sounds, and emotions. But are there certain types of experiences that cannot be brought back during a flashback such as feeling hungry, tired, thirsty, etc.? The most important question I have here is, would that also include the completely altered and strange horrible mental states we experience in our dreams and nightmares? These types of altered mental states during dreams and nightmares cannot be described. They are entirely new experiences unlike any other. They are not experiences like touch, smell, feelings, etc. They are completely altered mental states. So can those altered mental states be brought back and experienced during your waking life during a flashback or not?
  8. I have had horrible depressive nightmares as a result of severe depression throughout my life. These depressive nightmares were not normal experiences of a normal healthy depressed brain. They were experiences of a severely ill and tormented brain since my depression has gotten to the point of being so severe that it has taken my life away. The depression (hopelessness) and the horrible mental states experienced in those nightmares were nothing normal and was beyond anything imaginable since experiences in nightmares are nothing like experiences in your waking life. People who have near death experiences sometimes have distressing or hellish ones. They experience the horrible indescribable mental states that they experience in their worst nightmares just as bad or even far worse than their worst nightmares. But it's much worse since they experience it fully conscious since people are fully conscious and aware during their near death experiences. They are hyper aware and everything is hyper real. To be fully aware and conscious of these horrible experiences is far worse than being less aware of them during your nightmares. If I ever have a near death experience myself someday, then there is the possibility that I could experience those horrible indescribable depressive mental states that I experienced in those depressive nightmares. To experience that fully conscious would be something so indescribably horrible that there is no way for me to be fine with that and not worry about that. The possibility (no matter how slim) that I could have such a hellish or distressing near death experience has completely taken my life away from me. It is a constant non-stop 24/7 obsessive worry that has destroyed my life to where I am not functioning and not doing any of my hobbies, it has troubled me, traumatized me, and has made everything in my life completely devoid of all joy and meaning to make my life worth living. So my life is now completely gone and is no longer worth living which is why I have to somehow find a way to address this worry so that I can have my life back. But I don't think it's possible and I think there is no hope since it is impossible for me to let something this horrible go and to be at peace with and allow myself to be fine with the idea of possibly experiencing this. I am fine with and am at peace with facing any horrible experience in my waking life since these experiences are normal no matter how bad they are. But those experiences in my depressive nightmares was something indescribable. They were completely altered abnormal mental states that were an indescribable hell. They were far beyond just some really horrible nightmarish experience. It was beyond anything imaginable and there is no way I am fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing that again fully conscious during a near death experience. There is no way for me to just be here in the moment and not to worry about it. I don't think any therapeutic techniques can help this. This is something so far beyond horrible that there is no possible way for me to let this go, be at peace with, and not worry about. This situation seems like it is far beyond therapy and other known relaxation, meditation, coping, etc. techniques. So what do we do for this and what hope is there for this? I will add two additional points that are important that I would like to make. The first being that as long as I have this obsessive worry, my life will continue to remain empty and miserable like this. Having such obsessive depressive worries in your life causes your mind to focus on a problem and to shut out everything else in your life so that everything else is completely shut out of all joy and significance (meaning). As long as I have this worry, then everything in my life will continue to remain dead and empty to me since my mind will always continue to shut those things out. I will also remain non-functional in doing my hobbies and such since having this trouble and worry has rendered me this way. The last point I would like to make is that some therapists and mental health professionals would say that it is all my way of looking at those mental states in my depressive nightmares. That if I were to instead look at them differently such as looking at them from a more positive and less horrible perspective, that I wouldn't have to worry about experiencing them again fully conscious during a near death experience. But the experience is what it is. It truly was that horrible and no change of thinking can change that experience for what it truly was. During that time I had those horrible depressive nightmares, I was so desperate to try this. I was so desperate to try and take away the horrible power of these experiences by telling myself before I went to bed that they are nothing more than unpleasant experiences, that I can look at them from less horrible perspectives to make these experiences less horrible, etc. But that did nothing. When I had those depressive nightmares, the experiences were just as horrible. So this says that experiences alone in of themselves can be the absolute worst and most horrible or they can be the absolute best and glorious. This says that the experiences themselves alone have this power and that it is not just simply your way of looking at them. If it was nothing more than your way of looking at them, then a change of thought should change the experience. In other words, if you looked at a certain experience in the very beginning as the most horrible experience, but then changed your perspective of that experience as being nothing more than an unpleasant feeling, then that is all that it should be now. So next time you have it again, it won't bother you that much and would now just be nothing more than an unpleasant feeling and would no longer be the horrible experience it was before. But this isn't the case for me. The experience is what it is regardless of how I choose to view it in a different manner. In conclusion, some therapists would tell me: "Yes, it may very well be that horrible of an experience. But you'll get through it no matter how horrible it is if it ever does happen to you." This statement does not make me any less worried. It does not bring me peace or anything. You do not realize what this is. You do not realize just how horrible that experience was. There is no possible way for me to be at ease with the idea of experiencing it fully conscious during a near death experience.
  9. This post is for everyone, even people without the substance abuse Dx. So I have this feeling I am not alone here. Are there any people out there who have a substance abuse Dx mixed up with other Dx and or stand alone in the substance abuse Dx? It is pretty common for someone with a MI to develop substance abuse disorders, especially if they self medicate before they get an official Dx. I do not have stats to post at this time but I can later if people would like to know. Now the purpose of this post is to find out people's opinions on what I think is a problem in the MI community. The rejection and or dismissal of someone with a substance abuse disorder Dx. I have seen it where a person with a substance abuse Dx is sharing in a group setting, and the other attendees will automatically shift in their seats uncomfortably and either try to change the subject or dismiss it outright when the person is done sharing. I know that it is an uncomfortable subject, and that if you have not dealt with a substance abuse issue then you can not relate to well. I am sorry for saying it that way, you may be able to relate indirectly, which is also very valid. Why is it though that sometimes people do not take the other Dx that people have seriously? I have been in this situation; I was sharing in a group and when I mentioned the drug use and my issues with that and how it affected my other MI's. I was then interrupted by another attendee, that person said, then you do not really have Schizoaffective then. Thankfully the moderator jumped in and said that minimizing and discrediting someone else is not allowed. which caused a few in the room to cross their arms and stop sharing. As did I because I felt like I was not allowed to share my experience any longer. So what is the deal here? Are we (drug users) not allowed to come and share on equal terms? This can apply to CB or really any group. Are we truly in our own grouping and our story has no impact or value anymore because we are just useless junkies? Is it that having a MI is very hard for anyone in this world, and adding a Dx of drug use is just a slap in the face for people actively pursuing treatment? Do people without a Dx of substance abuse think that we (drug users) have failed or have taken an easy way out? I would encourage anyone to post here, answer the questions, or create new ones. I would like to hear everyone and their side to this. No judgments will come from me, I just want to know where I stand within the community.
  10. Am looking for testimonies/recovey stories of people who've been heavily brain damaged by antipsychotics. I received 5 or 6 Risperdal Consta injections over a 2 month period last year and as a result find myself severely brain damaged/in a partial vegetative state. Am wondering is there hope of recovery. It's been 13 months since my last injection but the damage just seems to worsen. It seems the chemicals in the injections just keep seeping deeper into my brain tissue as time goes on. They certainly don't call them "long acting" injections for nothing. I've been told it can take many years to recovery from such a drastic change to one's brain if at all. Would love to hear your stories. Thanks.
  11. I was given 5 or 6 injections of Risperdal Consta over a 2 month period in early to mid 2015 and have been heavily brain damaged as a result. Am looking for testimonies or recovery stories of people affected similarly by this or any antipsychotic really. Much thanks and healing and recovery to you.
  12. I struggle with chronic anhedonia and it has lasted for over a year and a half now. But I have come up with a theory that might get rid of it for me and everyone else who struggles with it right here and now. I don't know if this will work or not, but with anhedonia, you have a chronically overly active part of the brain (the hpa axis which is the area of the brain responsible for the stress response) while another area of the brain turns off which is the area responsible for feelings of pleasure (our good moods). If you can make yourself pass out, then that overly active part of the brain might turn off and allow your feelings of pleasure to turn back on. The brain has to devote all its function to vital organs and such to keep them alive while you are passed out. So this would have to mean that the overly active part of the brain I mentioned would have to turn off. So when you wake back up, you might have your full feelings of pleasure back to you and no more anhedonia. Being aware of stress (both consciously and subconsciously) also causes that stress region of the brain to become overly active as well. When it is overly active and can't be regulated, that is why the area responsible for pleasure turns off. So by making yourself pass out in this situation as well, then you would have temporarily gotten rid of all conscious and subconscious awareness of that stress which would turn off the stress response. Awareness of stressful life events=overly active stress response. Absence of awareness=no stress response. So if you can also wake back up having amnesia, then that stress response would also be turned off for the time being and further give your brain the chance to regulate itself and turn its feelings of pleasure back on. This whole thing is just a theory of mine. I don't know if it will work or not. I'm not sure if I should recommend others trying it and reporting back to me to see if it worked for them or not. If it works for them, then I am going to try it. I also thought of being put out by anesthesia which would of been a better alternative to passing out since anesthesia puts you out longer. But since I don't have that option, then making myself pass out would be the only option here. There is a way to do it. I heard that you have to hyperventilate and stand up.
  13. I struggle with depression and I have never perceived any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life while having it. I am wondering if there is a way I can though if I were to work on my thinking. Or if my thoughts alone cannot give me those things. I would like to ask this question. How can our thoughts alone while depressed be any form of rewarding experience for us? Aren’t they all just thoughts? Aren’t they all nothing more than just the “thinking” experience of our brains that cannot give us any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, inspiration, or rewarding experience? Don’t they just give us nothing more than just words and phrases of those things? There is the difference between words and phrases and our mental states. So what I am asking here is can we achieve the mental state of love, joy, happiness, and inspiration through our thoughts alone while depressed? Or is it just simply the words and phrases of those things and not the actual mental state of having those things? If this sounds confusing to you, then let me explain more on this: If a blind and deaf person told his/herself that he/she still has sight and hearing, then he/she would just be telling his/herself nothing more than labels (words and phrases) of sight and hearing. That would not give him/her the actual mental state of sight and hearing which would be the mental state of visualizing objects and perceiving sound. So in that same sense, I am wondering if our thoughts alone while we are depressed do not allow us to perceive good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration just like how a blind and deaf person cannot perceive sight and hearing. So for that very reason, I am thinking that it is only our good moods alone that allow us to perceive good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in our lives. Our reward system being fully up and running to give us our good moods is the only thing that can allow us to perceive the full degree of those things in our lives. It has been considered as to whether good and bad are objective or subjective terms. So I am wondering if there really is an objective version of good and bad which would be our good and bad moods. It would be a universal version of good and bad that applies to all human beings. We might currently be deluding ourselves that our lives can be good without our good moods and bad without our bad moods. Same thing applies for the terms love, joy, happiness, inspiration, suffering, despair, anguish, sadness, rage, etc. They are all our good and bad moods.
  14. Hi, I wonder if anyone could help please... I am a 33 woman and I took Zypexa for 6 years due to very mistaken and stupid diagnosis (10mg`s for 2 years and 5mg for 4 years) and Cypralex for first 3 years. I quit Cypralex 3 years ago while on Zyprexa and quit Zyprexa 11 months ago after a 3 months taper.I am absolutely,100% drug free.I am in full withdrawal/discontinuation syndrome and I have experienced a lot of debilitating sypmtoms,severe insomnia,severe muscular pain throughout the body,uncontrolled rage,tremors,severe headaches,stiff/pain in my neck and shoulders,severe stomach pain,vulvodynia,PMS,IBS.. over 80 symptoms in total... I`ve changed my diet completely,I becomed a vegan (no meats,no eggs,milk or gluten),I eat very very clean,I cook my own meals at home and stay away from any processed foods,conservants or additives.I don`t take any painkillers,absolutely no pills at all.I manage my pain with ginger tea and a arnica based organic solution.I don`t drink coffee,alcohool... I don`t smoke. I try to live a very healthy,clean live and exercise (take gentle walks in the park).The diet change paid off and the symtomps are starting to dissapear and I am starting to have good and lasting windows.My sleep has improved a little but not so much... my night sleep depends of how my day was... if I had a stress free day and everything was fine I am sleeping 4-6 hrs... if my day was not a good one or I have something relatively important to do the next day I might sleep from 5-6 am to 11 am or not sleep at all until 9-10am! Overall I am doing fine if I stay away from cold,bad postures and stress and take care of what I eat.I have very low stress tolerance and any little arguement,contradiction or event in my life brings a very bad wave of symptomps,the insomnia returns in full swing,the muscular and head pain returns,convulsion/ tremors as well and of course the depression as a result of lack of hope.Suddenly I have the feeling that I never healed at all because the symptoms are exactly as bad and severe as when I quit Zyprexa.I am very fragile and I wonder if I will ever heal completely and have 0 symptoms exactly like the normal person I was before drugs. 11 months of endurance and pain have passed and I really want my old life and body back... no pains,no restrictions (from cold air,stress or bad postures). If anyone has COMPLETELY healed from Zyprexa and be 100% free of any psihotropic drugs please e-mail me and let me know how you`re doing,how long it took you to be normal and live a normal live again.If your stress tollerance is normal,if you don`t have any pains no matter the climate condition,if you`re sleeping well no matter how your day was,If you can eat or drink anything and don`t have any symptoms.PLEASE E-MAIL ME AT [removed email address] Many many thanks and hang in there!
  15. From the album Random

    This book gives me hope. It's about a Norwegian woman who battles with her illness for many years with long admittions..Then somehow she becomes symptom-free w/o medications and she reaches her goals; a fulfilling job, studies and her own house. To me, the possibility of a recovery is my only light in the tunnel..I know it may be long time till, but I need that hope..
  16. I am a hedonist which means that feelings of pleasure are the only things that define my life as good (even though I still have full empathy and compassion towards my family and other innocent people as well). However, it is actually only my own feelings of pleasure that define my personal life as good and nothing else since I am only in my own mind and not in the minds of others and cannot feel their pleasure. Me somehow experiencing pleasure from witnessing someone else experiencing pleasure is not me experiencing their feelings of pleasure. It is all still my own personal feelings of pleasure. Therefore, this is the reason why only my own feelings of pleasure define my personal life as good and nothing else. Me living on to help out others in the event that my feelings of pleasure could never recover would not make my life worth living at all and wouldn't give my life any sense of good value. It would be good for them, but not for my own personal life. I am just as important as any other innocent person and I deserve my life of pleasure, too. Balance is key here and I must have my good life to live while others have their good lives to live and are helped out by me. Before you even try to convince me that there are other good things that can make my life good and worth living besides my feelings of pleasure and before you even try to change my thinking, I am not a part of your world and am not a part of your moral values. We might interact, but that doesn't mean I am a part of your moral values. They might apply in a physical sense in that you can choose to do whatever physical actions you want to me that will affect me physically. However, your morals do not apply to me in the sense of me adhering to them and living by them. Except for rules such as on a forum website which I will adhere to. I may be a part of this community in a physical sense. But I am not a part of this community in a moral sense. Therefore, the things one might say such as that I am selfish or some crybaby do not apply to me and neither do the things I'm saying apply to these people either. We are both parallel universes here. The non-hedonistic advice one might give are like a straight parallel line that does not intersect with me and doesn't apply to me. Same thing for my hedonistic values in that they also do not apply to you either. Therefore, we should instead go about our own ways of life here and respect each others ways of life since I am not harming/demeaning anyone with my hedonistic life. What you would deem as harm/disrespect is different than what I would deem as harm/disrespect. Therefore, not even your idea of harm/disrespect applies to me either. So that is why we should instead go about our own ways of life and respect each others ways of life. Therefore, you should respect the idea that if my feelings of pleasure don't ever recover, then I would end my life. You should, therefore, not tell me anything here that my life can still be good and worth living without my feelings of pleasure. Any other form of scorn/mockery towards me also does not apply to me either. Therefore, it would just simply be pointless for you to have any sort of scorn, name-calling, etc. towards me. You can if you want to. But it would all just go off into a parallel line and wouldn't even apply to me. Also, any things that anyone else says that my life can still be good and worth living without my feelings of pleasure, that doesn't apply to me either. Even if it did somehow apply, then it would only be infringing upon my way of life which would be my life of pleasure I deserve to have and must have back. A life of pleasure is the only thing I came into existence for and noting else. That is my own personal life here and you do not disrespect that by giving me scorn, mockery, or name-calling.
  17. I have lost all my feelings of pleasure due to anhedonia which is a negative symptom of schizophrenia and also due to depression. It really gets to me when people tell me that there are other good things I can live for in my life besides my pleasure because there aren't any. I am not selfish in saying this and I still have full respect and compassion towards others even when saying this. I have every reason to believe that my feelings of pleasure are the only things that can define my personal life as being good. I wish to talk this out with someone who is fully compassionate and respectful who will listen to me and not just dismiss the things I'm saying, tell me that my writing is offensive, have disappointment or scorn towards me, etc. Therefore, I am going to begin by saying this: As for the idea of me solely living for others if I could never recover my pleasure, we all have personal good lives of our own we need to attend to and need to have. For example, I do things for my own self and my own life such as playing videogames which doesn't involve helping others. But the only thing that could make those sort of things I do for myself (my hobbies) anything good in my personal life is if I can derive feelings of pleasure from them. Therefore, it is like taking away all my personal hobbies and my own personal life and then telling me to just accept that, to just forget my personal life, and to instead just live for others and for other things instead. Therefore, do you not see why that would obviously make me psychotic? It would make any innocent and caring person psychotic. Feelings of pleasure are the only reward message to the brain and are the only things that tell us that our lives are good and worth living. Therefore, my feelings of pleasure are the only things that make my life and hobbies worth doing and pursuing. Don't believe me when I say that feelings of pleasure are the only "good" messages to the brain and are the only things that genuinely encourage us in life and encourage our survival? Then go ask an intelligent scientist or an evolutionary biologist. Sure, we could tell ourselves that our lives are good and worth living without our feelings of pleasure. But that is nothing more than just some thought. It is not that "good" message (feelings of pleasure). We could recognize certain situations as being good or bad and we could very well choose to help others and such without our feelings of pleasure. But the fact still remains that they are nothing more than just thoughts. They are not that "good" message as I said before. They are just simply thoughts of good and bad and not the actual messages of good and bad. The message of good obviously being feelings of pleasure while the message of bad obviously being feelings of suffering. When we do something good or bad, then that gives us actual feelings of pleasure and suffering. Why is that? It's not just because they are just feelings that "just happen." They are messages to the brain that tell us that what we are doing is good or bad since that is how we evolved. Therefore, to not have any feelings of pleasure due to depression or anhedonia, then there is no message telling you that your life is good and worth living and you would only be fooling yourself by thinking that your life is good and worth living through your thoughts and such alone without your feelings of pleasure. Same thing applies for feelings of suffering in that you would not be having any message telling you that what you are doing in life is bad or that your life is bad. There is a feeling version of good and bad and there is the thought version of good and bad. The thought version of good and bad without our feelings of pleasure and suffering are fake. They are not the true good and bad. Only our feelings of pleasure and suffering give us the good and bad message. Then there is empathy and compassion here as well. Those things also come in the form of feelings of pleasure or feelings of suffering. If you help someone out, then you feel good and that is a form of empathy and compassion. If you feel bad from hurting someone, then that is a form of empathy and compassion as well. Those feelings are what tell us what is good and bad in life. But without our feelings of pleasure or suffering, then there is nothing giving us the good or bad message. Therefore, you choosing to live for others anyway and to help them out in life despite your absence of pleasure wouldn't make your life anything good at all and wouldn't be any perceived good message at all. It would only be just a thought as I've said before. It's the thought of a good message towards others, but isn't the actual perceived good message.
  18. (NOTE TO READER: I AM ON THE VERGE OF GOING INTO SOME PSYCHOTIC RAGE. PLEASE READ EVERYTHING I'M SAYING HERE. I KNOW IT IS LONG-WINDED LIKE MY OTHER POSTS. BUT IT IS VERY IMPORTANT HERE AND NO ONE SHOULD HAVE DISRESPECT AND BELITTLE MY SITUATION BY TELLING ME THINGS SUCH AS THAT I AM JUST WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME HERE AND THAT I SHOULD JUST TAKE THIS ELSEWHERE AND/OR KEEP IT TO MYSELF): My anhedonia (chronic absence of pleasure) that is there all the time 24/7 in which there are never any brief moments of pleasure, I was told by my doctor (psychiatrist) that this is a negative symptom of schizophrenia since I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and that there is no validated treatment for it and that I am just going to have to learn to live with it. There is no way I could ever possibly accept living a life in which I have no pleasure to enjoy anything in my life. My pleasure, to me, is more important than the air I breathe to stay alive. I live off my pleasure. It's more important to me than my heart which beats to keep me alive. Me having this strong desire to have my full pleasure back in life is not just some want. It is far more important than a want and is far more important than a need. Needs are defined as being more important than wants since needs are things that we use to survive such as the air we breathe and such. But since my pleasure is far more important to me than any of those other needs to survive, then my pleasure is more important than some need. It is an intrinsic part of me that defines me and my life as being good and worth living. I would rather be dead from lack of air and other things than to live a life of no pleasure. To me, how I feel is the only thing that matters in terms of my personal life. In other words, if I feel good, then that means me and my life are going great. But if I feel bad or if I don't feel anything, then me and my life are nothing good at all. It doesn't matter how much I help others and make their lives good without my pleasure, me and my own personal life are still nothing good at all without my pleasure. All my personality traits such as my intelligence, creativity, and everything else in life are nothing good at all in terms of my own personal life without my pleasure. This is a strict value and belief I hold. Please do not try and change it at all. Otherwise, that will cause me to become enraged and psychotic. This is because I MUST have my life of full pleasure back and I could never possibly accept my absence of pleasure and to live for other things in life instead without my pleasure. Yes, I still value other good people such as my family. But since I have just as much good value as any other good person, then that gives me every right to have focus towards myself and to want my own personal life of pleasure given back to me. To say that I have no right to have value and focus towards that and that I should instead focus and live for other things and for other people would be no different than if I came up to you and told you to have all the attention and focus towards me. Therefore, it would be selfish of you to tell me so and it would be selfish and offensive for me to tell you to abandon your own values in life just so you could live a life that is not only nothing good at all without that said thing in your life which was the one and only thing that made your life good and worth living, but is also a life in which you have abandoned your own value (focus) towards yourself and are catering to me. So if I can never recover my pleasure, then that gives me every right to end my life since I have just as much good value as any other good person. Since I am a good person, then why keep me alive just to suffer with a life that is nothing good at all? Also, I wouldn't be having lesser good value towards my family and other people in me choosing to end my life. Rather, the good value that I once invested towards the message of me living for my family and helping them out, this good value has been redirected towards another message of value towards my family. This new message would say that I just wish for them to move on and find their own ways and strengths in life without me and that I still have full good value towards them even though I have chosen to end my life. I wouldn't of chosen to end my life with a message towards my family such as that I just don't care for them anymore and that I am the only one who matters in life. Therefore, since I wouldn't be having such a thought towards my family in me choosing to end my life, then I wouldn't be having lesser good value towards them if I were to choose to end my life. If I can't get my pleasure back, then I will end my life. I won't have it any other way. I was on some other depression forum with a user who went by the name "itstrevor." He said that even though anhedonia does tend to recover for many people, those people who have anhedonia due to schizophrenia tend to not fully recover. He said that many people with anhedonia do tend to fully recover and that once they recover, it tends to remain recovered. But as for people with schizophrenia, the anhedonia in schizophrenia tends to be an intractable problem. He says that anhedonia that is a result of other things in life besides mental illnesses such as Parkinson's disease and schizophrenia, that this version of anhedonia tends to recover since there has been no loss/damage of axons in the brain. But as for something such as Parkinson's disease and schizophrenia, these mental illnesses cause damage/loss of axons. Which is why I am asking here if there is some intelligent expert in the mental health field who can tell me if there is any chance of recovery from this anhedonia, what my chances of recovery are, and if it is really due to schizophrenia. If it's due to something else, then it just might be likely to fully recover. But in the event that it doesn't recover or doesn't sufficiently recover, then to tell me to accept this anhedonia and that I am just going to have to learn to live with it, this would be a complete mockery and insult to me and to the one and only good and greatest life there is to me which would be a life of as much pleasure and as little suffering/little absence of pleasure as possible. It says to me that I am just going to have to accept and learn to live a life that is nothing good at all without my pleasure. How we accept problems and move forward in life can only happen if we have found other things in life that makes our lives good despite our problems. Some people might claim that they can still live their lives even if there is nothing good about them and their lives. However, these people would of attributed a good value towards living such a life such as them saying that they are fine accepting and moving on in such a life. Otherwise, if they didn't attribute any good value at all, then they would find no reason to accept and move forward in such a life. Therefore, since my pleasure has and always will be the only good thing in my personal life, then I can never accept this anhedonia. I am going to tell you just how much my pleasure matters to me and how enraged I would be if I were to lose it for life. If there was some ferocious lion who somehow took my pleasure away from me and told me that I am just going to have to accept and learn to live with this loss of pleasure, then I would become an enraged psychopath and would slaughter this lion. I don't care how dangerous and ferocious this lion is. My pleasure is the one and only thing that defines me and my personal life as being good and I would fearlessly go and slaughter that lion even if it meant me being mauled to death since my life wouldn't matter without my pleasure. Even the most elite trained warriors might have fear facing something such as lion. But not me. I would become so enraged that there would be no trace of fear. My pleasure is so vehemently important to me since it was a very profound good experience for me and my life and made me and my personal life good and worth living. My personal experience of depression and anhedonia also made me realize just how important it is to have pleasure in life and just how devastating it is to lose your pleasure. You can take away my limbs, you can take away my sight, and you can take away my hearing. But if you take away my pleasure, then... So as you can clearly see here, my pleasure is what personally defines my human existence as being good and worth living. Absolutely nothing is going to take that away from me and leave me in a permanent anhedonic state. No one or anything else in this life is going to take away and try and change my personal values and beliefs regarding my pleasure either.
  19. Depression (including anhedonia which is an absence of pleasure) are, in a way, sort of like the flu. It comes and goes. You first get sick. But over time, the mind and body heal themselves and you are back to being completely well. This is because it is vital to get back to the state of your full normal well-being. Otherwise, your chances of survival (thriving in life) are slim. So it is vital that your mind and body restore its survival mechanisms. This would even include pleasure since pleasure is something vital for our thriving and survival in life. Far more people feel depressed having an absence of pleasure than there are people who are fine with and accept an absence of pleasure. This would be because pleasure is so vital to our survival as I've said before. Depression, in addition to being perhaps a chemical imbalance, can also be a natural stressful response. Depression can sometimes be a response that warns us that something is wrong in our lives that we need to change. This holds true in my case since my depression is not a chemical imbalance or anything of the sort at all. Rather, it is a response to my anhedonia (absence of pleasure). This depression response (feeling of hopelessness) is warning me that I must have my life of full pleasure that I solely value so much in order for me to live a good worthwhile life. Therefore, since pleasure is so very important for me and my life and is very important for many other people, then this is why the mind restores itself back to normal and that your full normal amount of pleasure should soon be fully restored back to you. You should be able to soon fully recover from depression and/or anhedonia and live the life of full pleasure that makes a vital part of your one and only life good and worth living. However, my anhedonia has been going on for 7 months, there are never any brief moments of pleasure, and it still hasn't gotten any better. As a matter of fact, it has only gotten worse over time and I am now left with complete chronic anhedonia. Therefore, I think I might have some condition that is preventing me from recovering. Usually, when you get the flu, you soon recover over time. But you then have some people who have the flu for prolonged periods due to some other type of condition/abnormality perpetuating the flu. Therefore, this might be what is going on with me here. Therefore, once I take care of this condition that is preventing me from recovering from this anhedonia, then I should have my full pleasure back to me in life.
  20. Hey guys I'm relatively new here. I've been on many different medications and med combinations in the past. So just curious if any of you have ever been on a cocktail similar to mine. So far it has worked wonders. I've been on this combination for months. The weight gain from the remeron was hard to deal with, but eating better and exercise helped that, and the munchies I got from it became less and less over time. I'm on Propranolol instant release 80mg 3 times a day (I used to take this 3 times a day, but now have weaned myself down to once a day when needed. The whole idea of taking a 'heart medication' still sketches me out. But apparently propranolol has a low side effect profile, I think? Lol) Gabepentin 300mg 3 times a day (however my doc for some reason gives me a monthly script of 270 300mg pills) Remeron 30mg at night Effexor ER 150mg in the Am ( apparently the combo of effexor and remeron is called 'California rocket fuel') A little bit about me. I have depression and generalized anxiety, and currently being tested for possible bipolar disorder. I have had severe substance abuse issues in the past so I have to go the non narcotic route.
  21. I have developed severe chronic anhedonia as a result of depression. It has lasted for over 7 months, still hasn't gotten any better, and there are never any brief moments of pleasure. My feelings of pleasure (such as love, joy, motivation, etc.) are the most important things about me as a person. They are far more important than my attitude, actions, personality, etc. As a matter of fact, my attitude, actions, and personality do not matter at all without my pleasure and are neutral (neither good or bad). My good and bad value as a human being is solely based on the level of pleasure (good value) I have in life while my bad value is solely based on the level of suffering I have in my life. In other words, if I suffer alot from anhedonia/depression and help many people out around the world, then even that wouldn't make me a good person at all and my life would still be nothing good at all. I would still be a bad, weak, and inferior person regardless of the fact that depression and anhedonia are mental illnesses and that they are not choices in which people can snap themselves out of it. I would have helped others and made their lives good. But without my own pleasure in life, then my own personal life is nothing good at all. My thoughts, actions, and everything else in life are nothing more than just sounds, words, images, phrases, gestures, etc. without my pleasure. For example, if I think of a good thought in my mind (such as a profound loving thought towards my family) without my pleasure, then that good thought is nothing more than just a thought. There is no sense of empowerment, "high," or any profound experience whatsoever from any of those thoughts since they are nothing more than just thoughts. They may make us do certain actions and such as well as other important things, but that is it. So all my thoughts and personal created meanings in life including my attitude and actions are nothing profound or anything good since they are all neutral experiences without my pleasure. It has nothing to do with me having a bad attitude and attributing a neutral value to those things that is making them neutral. They are all actually neutral in of themselves and it has nothing to do with me attributing a neutral value judgment to them since they are all neutral experiences as I've said before. If I were to create a very profound good meaning (thought) in my mind, then the meaning itself would be something very good and profound (but only in the sense that they are nothing more than just words, sounds, images, phrases, etc.). However, the conscious experience of that meaning is a neutral (neither good or bad) experience and it is only my conscious experience of pleasure that is good while it is only my conscious experience of suffering that is bad. Therefore, who I am as a person and what my actions are do not matter at all. As long as I have my full pleasure back to me in life, then that is all that matters to me. Growing as a person and becoming more of an empathetic, compassionate, understanding, intelligent, insightful, creative, etc. person through my suffering does not matter at all to me either without my pleasure and I could care less about growing as a person or who I am for that matter. As long as I am happy (have my full pleasure in life), then that is all that matters to me and that is the one and only thing that defines me and my life as being good. The one and only greatest life there is and is the one and only life that matters to me and nothing else would be a life of as much pleasure and as little suffering as possible. If I can't get that life, then I would end my life since I would be living a life that mocks and insults me and the one and only greatest life I wanted to live. Therefore, I must have my life back in which I had a normal full amount of pleasure before. If I can't get that life, then I would end my life. In conclusion, I would like to say something very important here which is that I am absolutely convinced that my pleasure is the only thing that makes me good and my life good while my suffering is the only thing that makes me bad and my life bad. There is nothing anyone else here can tell me that can make me change my mind on this. These are my own personal values and beliefs. But the reason why I came here and talked about it anyway is simply because I want others here to listen, relate, and sympathize with me and my described situation.
  22. I'm so happy to have found this support site! A little over 3 years ago I had my first episode of major depression accompanied with psychosis. I was mostly in a disassociated state and my personality was terribly fragmented. I don't know exactly how to explain it without writing a novel. I have Disassociative Identity Disorder. I know many people don't believe in it, and if I hadn't experienced it myself...I don't think I would either. I have always battled depression and anxiety, but I fully and completely lost touch with reality at that point. My "self" was badly fragmented. I first spent some time in a private trauma treatment center and then I was hospitalized. I'm recovered enough now to understand just how out of my mind I have been and also to realize that I may never be who I was before my breakdown. Just being OK feels really great. I still have a ways to go. Leaving the house is something I seldom do. I sleep and rest a lot, but I feel like my brain needs it. It feels like the biggest changes have happened over the past 6 months. How I've improved from 3 and a half years ago: I have a much better sense of time and how much has past (minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years). I'm starting to feel like myself again. I can recall words much better than before. My memory in general has improved. I feel like my body parts belong to my body. I sleep without nightmares (most of the time). My parts (personalities) feel like they are working in a system. I'm mostly free of suicidal ideation. I'm not in a constant state of fight or flight, frozen, or numb. So, feeling more steady and centered and my body isn't constantly pumping out chemicals in response to those various states. I can connect with people. I've worked so hard! I'm really proud of myself. I have to keep at it. I want to start working at leaving the house some. This is a big step. It feels so good to be able to sleep and relax...even if I still struggle with it to some degree. It's so much better. Thank you for letting me share.
  23. Most people who experience panic attacks only have a few per day or a few every other day. This is because panic is caused by a perceived threat (either real or irrational) which means that these people only perceive a threat every once in a while and they have control over their panic overall. However, there are very severe cases like me in which the perceived threat is constant which causes constant recurring panic attacks. These people like me have no control over this horrifying experience no matter what they tell themselves and no matter what relaxation techniques they use. People like me are unable to calm down. I have a strong phobia which is a fear of me speeding. Therefore, since the Earth is constantly speeding, that is then a constant perceived threat that caused me continuous uncontrollable panic that just might have lead me into being shot up in a hospital. I felt that I might never get it under control and that I would be doomed to be in this near constant state of panic everyday for my entire life which made the panic that much worse. My experience was that I had a panic attack which lasted for 15-20 seconds. After which, I then had 15-20 seconds of relief and then another panic attack immediately afterwards. This process continued on and I thought it might never stop. But fortunately, I now have severe chronic anhedonia (emotional numbness) which has numbed my fear. However, it has also numbed my ability to experience any good feelings whatsoever and I now no longer have any ability to experience pleasure. Usually people who have phobias (such as a spider phobia) go through exposure therapy in having a spider walk on his/her arm. This person would then panic at first, but the panic would then subside and the person would now be virtually cured of his/her phobia. This is unlike me since I could not calm down no matter what and my panic was constantly recurring. I wish to know if there are others who have also perceived a constant threat that was a part of their everyday lives that caused them continuous uncontrollable recurring panic attacks and that if these people ever managed to get something like this under control somehow.
  24. This is a question (a discussion) I want to have which are unlike my other topics which were just blogs. First off, let me ask you this. If you had the choice to either be happy and excited towards something in life as opposed to just having no feelings of pleasure or excitement whatsoever with nothing more than just a good thought towards these things in life, which would you choose? I think it's quite obvious you would choose to feel happy and excited which proves right here that pleasure is far better and superior to mere thoughts alone. Or, at least, the combination of having both good thoughts and pleasure in your life is far better and superior to just having these thoughts alone with no pleasure at all. But you then might counter my argument by asking me something such as that if you had the choice as to feel happy and excited towards harming others or to have no feelings of pleasure whatsoever and instead help others through just mere thoughts alone, which would you choose? You then might say that having no pleasure and instead helping others through moral thoughts would be what is far better and superior. But here again, I will counter this as well by asking you that if you had the choice as to whether to feel happy and excited towards helping others and help these people out through your pleasure and excitement or to instead have no pleasure or excitement whatsoever and instead help these people out through just thoughts alone, which would you choose? I think it's quite obvious you would choose to help others through your pleasure. So it appears as though having both morality and pleasure in your life is the ultimate combination. But when the choice comes as to whether you would choose to have pleasure or instead morality, that this is something subjective and that there would be many people who would instead choose to be a moral person with no pleasure who helps others instead of being someone who obtains pleasure from harming others. However, when the choice comes to you already being the best moral person you could ever be and that if you had the choice as to whether to just be this moral person with no pleasure in your life or to be both this best moral person you could ever be while having pleasure in your life, that people would instead choose the combination of both being this moral person with pleasure. Sure, there could be more levels of moral greatness and other forms of greatness that this person could achieve with no pleasure. But if I had to ask him/her as to whether he/she would want to have much pleasure in his/her life in addition and that this wouldn't take away from his/her greatness and won't take away from him/her achieving more greatness, then that is when this person would choose to have pleasure in his/her life in addition. I know that if I had my full pleasure back in life, that this would not make me or my life less great. It would make me even greater. As a matter of fact, having suffering, depression, and a lack of pleasure in your life only serves to bring you down and hold you back from you and your lives being that much greater regardless of how great you become and regardless of how much great things you do in your life through your suffering, depression, and lack of pleasure. Suffering, depression, and a lack of pleasure can even make you a worse person who is less compassionate and less understanding towards other people who finds bad meaning in his/her life. So you can achieve a higher level of greatness, be a more compassionate and understanding person, and do more great things in your life under the right circumstances if you instead had much pleasure in your life and little suffering and depression in your life. Many people might claim that the only true way to be a more compassionate and understanding person and do more great things in life as well as help more people would be through your suffering, depression, and lack of pleasure. But this is false because you can change your attitude in order to become a better compassionate and understanding person at any given personal level since your attitude and actions are things you can change by will. You also don't need depression, suffering, and a lack of pleasure in order to do more great things in life and help even more people out. There are people who go through a great amount of suffering and despair and yet, they do not become more compassionate or become a better person in any other sense. As a matter of fact, they can become less compassionate even towards others who suffer the same things and they instead take out their suffering on other people. This would be because they have refused to change their attitude in becoming a better person and have refused to become better in any other sense through other means in life besides suffering, despair, and a lack of pleasure. Therefore, since this holds true, the opposite would hold true as well in that people who have very little suffering and despair in their lives can change their attitude in becoming a better person and better in other ways through other means in life besides what suffering, despair, and a lack of pleasure can achieve. Things such as going through physical torture through physical training in the military, this would have the greater physical benefit. But as for greater mental benefits, you can achieve these through other means in life besides depression and anhedonia (lack of pleasure). As a matter of fact, depression and anhedonia have no greater benefit than living a life of much pleasure and are nothing but pointless misery. So if you had no pleasure in your life and had much suffering and despair in your life, you could tell yourself things such as that you would be the much better and greater person than if you were someone who had pleasure in life since you would be helping others, doing great things in your life, and being more compassionate and understanding the suffering and lack of pleasure of others through your suffering and lack of pleasure. But here I will ask you, now that you've achieved this level of greatness in your life through your suffering and lack of pleasure, would you prefer now to remain this way or to instead remain just as great, but also have full pleasure and no more suffering in your life in addition? That having this full pleasure in your life with no suffering will not take away from your greatness, will not make you help/understand less people than you ever would through having suffering and no pleasure in life, and won't make you do less great things in life. Therefore, which would you choose? Again, I'm quite sure you would choose to have full pleasure in life with no suffering in addition to your greatness. Although there might be some people who would get very bored or go insane from living a life of pure bliss, this would not happen to me at all since I find that the only greatest life there is would be living a life of much pleasure and as little suffering as possible while still being a full moral and understanding/compassionate person. So the fact that people would prefer to have much pleasure and as little suffering as possible in addition to their greatness, this means that having much pleasure and little suffering in addition to their greatness is something even greater and would make these people even greater than if they still had a lack of pleasure and still had suffering and depression in their lives. This would make them greater people and would make their lives greater. So as you can see here, you can be great all you want, achieve all the benefits you want, and help others and do great things in your life as much as you can through your suffering and lack of pleasure (anhedonia) in your life as well as your depression. But you and your life will never be as great as it would be if you had much pleasure and very little suffering/depression in your life in addition to your achieved greatness and in addition to your achieved benefits. Therefore, all the greatest people in history who struggled with depression, suffering, and anhedonia were never as great as they would be if they didn't have any of those struggles in their lives. They might have become great and achieved benefits through their struggles. But they and their lives would never be as great if they instead had much pleasure in their lives with as little suffering as possible in addition to their achieved greatness and in addition to their achieved benefits. As a matter of fact, if having much pleasure and little suffering/depression in their lives wouldn't take away from their greatness at all, then this would mean that their depression, suffering, and lack of pleasure didn't make them any greater at all either. It means that they could of been just as great (and perhaps greater) under the right circumstances through having much pleasure and very little suffering and depression in their lives since the combination of their already-established greatness in addition to having much pleasure and little suffering and depression is the ultimate combination that would make them even greater. Therefore, I and many other people who suffer from depression and anhedonia (lack of pleasure) are inferior with inferior lives compared to our much greater counterparts (the people we would of been if we instead had our full pleasure in life with little suffering in addition to our achieved greatness and in addition to our achieved benefits). We are also inferior with inferior lives compared to those who do have their full pleasure in life with little suffering and little to no depression in addition to their achieved greatness and benefits such as compassion and many other such positive forms of greatness and benefits. In conclusion, some people might tell me that compassionate and understanding people who live their lives with much pleasure and very little suffering and depression, that these people do not exist since you can only be a better compassionate and understanding person through having gone through suffering, depression, and a lack of pleasure. But you would be false here in saying this. I am one of those happy compassionate and understanding people who once existed. I had my full pleasure in life in the past who was still a fully compassionate and understanding person. As a matter of fact, the depression and anhedonia I am having now only makes me feel less compassionate and less understanding ("indifferent" and "hopeless") and me and my life are now wasted away and down the drain here. Therefore, as you can clearly see, life, is in fact, all about perfection and living a perfectly happy life of no suffering and no depression regardless of the fact that this is not how this life works. Some people might tell me that living a life of pure bliss with no suffering and no depression is nothing more than a fantasy and they would be right. However, life is still all about living a perfectly happy life with no suffering and no depression anyway. Based on everything I've said here, a life of pure bliss with no suffering and no depression is the only greatest life there is and is the only thing that would make you the greatest person. No one should want any depression or anhedonia (lack of pleasure) in his/her life whatsoever since it is all pointless and has no greater benefit than living a life of pure bliss.
  25. My happiness is the only reason for me finding good meaning about me as a person and finding good meaning in this life. Without that, there would be nothing good about me as a person or anything good in my life. I can just use my thoughts alone to perceive me and my life being good even without my pleasure. But these are nothing more than neutral (neither good or bad) thoughts and that would not make me or my life anything good at all regardless of how much I help others and do great things in my life. Therefore, since I no longer have any pleasure 24/7 due to my anhedonia (emotional numbness) in which there are never any brief moments of pleasure to any degree whatsoever, this is why there is no longer anything good about me as a person or my life. My dream in life was to be a composer and I was in the process of learning how to compose. My dream was to be a great composer through my pure pleasure alone because, to me, that is the only thing that defines someone as being great. As a matter of fact, the fact that I had the ability to experience feelings of pleasure so great and profound, this would enable me to be a really great composer who would be able to channel those feelings in creating emotionally powerful compositions. Feelings of depression and anhedonia are not classified as feelings at all. They are the taking away of your pleasure and other emotions. Therefore, they are not anything to tap into and channel in creating any type of emotionally powerful composition. Instead, they make you a lesser person and a lesser composer who can only create compositions through intelligence alone which would be nowhere near great and emotionally powerful as opposed to if you were to create compositions through your profound feelings of pleasure. In other words, even the greatest composers in history who had depression and/or lack of pleasure could of been even better if they had their full pleasure to tap and channel into. But I have given up being a composer right now since my only goal in becoming a composer was to tap into and channel my feelings of pleasure I valued so much and create many different types of music through my pure pleasure alone. Creating music through my suffering is NOT what I want to do and doing so would only make me feel that much worse. To me, music is all about enjoyment and creating music through your pure pleasure alone. I have given up being a composer because me choosing to become a composer brings me nothing but anger and frustration now since I no longer have any pleasure to tap into and channel. I refuse to be the biological robot in a world that absolutely calls for our experience of love and pleasure (which would be the emotional world of composing) who does nothing but creates music through having no pleasure. I will not channel even my own feelings of anger and frustration in creating music because, again, that only makes me feel worse and is not what I wanted to do at all anyway. Now, if, let's pretend, that I were the greatest composer in the world right now and composed masterpieces, this would actually be the worst moment of my life. This is because these would be the greatest pieces of music I have written and this would be the greatest moment of my life and I am not even allowed to enjoy it to any degree at all. Sure, composing music for other people and bringing them pleasure is good. But music is a very personal emotional thing to me and I must, therefore, experience good feelings from my music. Otherwise, me being a composer is completely pointless and detrimental as it only brings me nothing but rage and frustration knowing that I cannot experience any pleasure from my own compositions whatsoever as well as that I don't have any good feelings to even tap into and channel in creating my compositions which would be much more emotionally powerful since they were created through my emotions (my pleasure) rather than them being created without such feelings. Since my personal experience of pleasure was so profound and meaningful to me in the past, then I absolutely cannot just simply ignore this and choose to view other things in life as something greater. This is because I reject doing so and reject being the lesser person with a lesser life as a result. Now if you or anyone else here has found other things in life of greater value than your pleasure (which would include finding greater things in life than even your own feelings of love), then you obviously have not experienced these feelings nearly as profound or meaningful as I have to know that they are truly the only good and greatest things in life. Now if you can never fully recover your lost love and pleasure, then at least you have spent your entire life by being the superior human being who has tried to fully recover these things. If you are going to say something such as that living your life trying to fully recover these lost feelings instead of accepting this loss and moving on is a wasted life, it's not a wasted life. Like I said before, feelings of love and pleasure are the only greatest aspects of me as a human being and are the only things that make my own personal life worth living. So for me to abandon them and instead live my life for other reasons besides trying to fully recover them, THAT would be the wasted life for me. Finally, one might say that I am still a good person since I still care and help others anyway. However, to me, someone who helps and cares for others is no better or worse than someone who is a psychopath and kills others. The only thing that makes you a better or lesser person is your amount of pleasure in life regardless of who you are as a person. Since I have lesser pleasure, that makes me a lesser person than even Hitler himself who has more pleasure in life (although there may be moments where he definitely had bad moments in his life from harming others). The reason why I say this is because, again, my personal experience of pleasure says this since it was so profound and meaningful to me and there is nothing in life that can ever take place of that regardless of how much I try and change my attitude and other things. I refuse to even try anyway since that would make me the lesser human being with a lesser life as I stated earlier in my writing.
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