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  1. Had a tiny fight with my psychiatrist, he seems to be dobuting my diagnosis. In the hospital they tried to say i was bpd with bipolar, but my psychologist says i cant be bpd and even my psychiatrist used to think im not. I dont have any bpd traits other than emotional inestability. Anyways im mad bc people dobut my psychotic symptoms he thinks is just something from my imagination or something "typical" from me. Im mad bc the new medication is not working and now i have panic attacks i didnt had before. The hospital kinda helped kinda made things worse. I feel like my doctor has left me behind, he doesnt care anymore, if he had answered or seen me 15days before when i asked, before i had my big crisis i wouldnt had ended in hospital. Im scheduling an appointment with a new doctor. But i feel so lost, so sad, like no one can help me, not even doctors. Its not fair. This illness is destroying my life. Has anyone ever had this kind of problems with doctors? Have you had a moment where medication made things worse?
  2. Bonjour y'all. I feel like I know y'all a bit - long time lurker. I just wanna say that I have used this site to help me research and kinda navigate my way through the blissful path of personal awareness in my journey through crazyland. I have been very thankful to find great resources and opinions here. So, into the breach of introductions... I am a 32 y/o lady hailing from the great and dirtiest South, Louisiana. I've been a healer for over half my life, and a massage therapist for over a decade. I'm a (veerrry) small business owner working from home So that I can also care for my two magnificent children, one of whom is a tri-lingual, fencing super-nerd and the youngest of whom is the closest thing to a literal angel that I will ever know. I know.. Im biased but I don't lie! My youngest (5) is also a soldier in the battle against unwonted, rare disease called Mitochondrial Complex III Deficiency. She is not expected to survive adolescence. I share this information to promote awareness of her affliction and to give some glimpse into the muti-faceted gem of shit luck that contributes greatly to my episodes of mental illness exacerbations. Diagnosed borderline, major depressive disorder, schizoaffectve with just a dash of PTSD and DID to keep it fun. I did not seek help until the peak of my schizoaffective emergence, during which I attempted twice within a year. I've been off and on the pharmacopia and onlythis year did I see a counselor. Now, because I'm swimming in medical bills for prescription meds, supplements (that insurance sure as shit won't cover), shitty cars, doctors appointments, genetic tests....yeah, I'm broke as fuck and I am on Medicaid. The great state of Louisiana is kind of a clusterfuck of bad doctors, limited mental health resources, and waiting lists that last over 6 months....so my mental health options are severly restricted. So I'm finally deciding to say hi to all of you in the hopes that we can aquaint ourselves and, hopefully, I can find some sense of community because no one in Jesus country is really open to talking about mental illness unless its to call MI the side-effect of demonic possession. So howdy y'all!
  3. I am not diagnosed as such (yet I've experienced med-induced psychosis before), I am curious to know when (what age) and how (situation/trigger) did you develop symptoms or know you had a full- schizophrenia, schizoaffective or psychotic disorder? What were your first (or main symptoms)? I am really curious to know more about how these disorders start, and the timeframe until they are officially diagnosed? I am also wondering (my very first doc wanted to initially DX me as schizoaffective), has anyone been diagnosed after only having 1 episode of psychosis, delusion, or paranoia? There is sort of a gray area, because I know of some bipolar people that had 1-2 manic episodes (with psychosis) yet they are not diagnosed with schizo-affective. How often are you symptomatic and have meds been a near "cure" for you? Anyways, thanks for any clarification.
  4. Because of my extremely negative reactions to almost all the AP injections down the list, my probation officer and my psych are allowing me to switch to an oral medication for my last month on probation before I graduate. They know it's not even a risk if I didn't take it (which I'm going to) because it usually takes me many months to a year for me to become symptomatic and have a relapse. I'm not one of those type of people who relapse in less than a week or even a month. So this Tuesday, I have an appointment with my psych to discuss my options with the oral medications. According to my psych and what I know, I'm very responsive to low doses of anti-psychotics, almost becoming completely rational in a few hours of taking Zyprexa 2.5mg or Abilify 2mg. However, I'm also very sensitive at the same time and experience severe amounts of Akathisia that last all day from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep. I could pace back and forth all day if there were no interruptions. I feel like I want to jump through a ceiling or run through a glass door to alleviate the constant need to be moving. We have tried everything from Cogentin, Artane, Propanolol, Clonazepam, Benadryl, and now Gabapentin 600mg 3x per day and all it's doing is helping with my anxiety and stabilizing my mood but not relieving the Akathisia. The counteractive drugs simply don't work for me. Never did. They're to weak compared to the agent that's causing the Akathisia. I saw a commercial over the summer that claims that Fanapt has a lower Akathisia risk than other atypical anti-psychotics but I'm not entirely sure. It seems that Fanapt has to be taken twice a day and is recommended at at least 6mg after the 1mg starting dose. I want something that can remain low. I've also read that Seroquel, at the higher doses, like 400mg to 800mg can treat schizophrenia with less of the Parkinson like side effects. I've discussed this with my psych and he says he wants to keep Seroquel as a last resort because of its low efficacy. He may not be realizing that I don't have the average type of schizoaffective disorder (if that exists). He's fearing that my claims of the extremely low-dose oral meds while I was in jail is not a true account. So. conclusively, what is the best option for a schizoaffective patient who's highest priority is ridding the Akathisia while still taking the medication consistently? I don't care about the 100% efficacy or having some symptoms. I just want the ******** akathisia gone. I also have other side effects from this crap they've been sticking in my arm for the last 15 months such as Weight Gain, Gynecomastia (just won a huge lawsuit against Janssen Pharmaceuticals for Invega), Sedation, Fatigue, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Anhedonia, Throat Swelling, Involuntary Eye Movements, and Suicidal Ideation. Just to name a good amount of them. Please help me as my appointment takes place later this week and I want more knowledge going into it. Thanks
  5. I am sorry i didn't look through all the threads, this may have an answer. Also, I just got a little relief from an episode, so if I mistype or anything its because I'm shaking and a but groogy. It tapered off and I was left with body aches, scratches on my neck and, during and after, a splitting headache. I swear that something bite during this episode. My girlfriend is waiting it out with me, so inam not alone. But I feel like ahit. And I hurt all over. Is this reality from the episode or what? Is it in my head? Has anyone else experienced pain after or during an episode?
  6. Alright folks I've just been bumped up to "schizoaffective bipolar type" from "bipolar 1", do I still belong in the bipolar section of crazyboards?
  7. I have been doing extremely well in the psychosis department, but what bothers me is this... I am currently on two depots (both are every 4 weeks, but two weeks apart--strange, I know) I feel like I couldn't have possibly ever been ill, especially because people have had it worse than I. I feel like I never had a problem. Like it all was a lie or something. Which brings me back to my feelings that I've only woken up yesterday, for the first time in my life, and nothing in my life was ever real. Perhaps it is derealization but I am not sure. My meds are well in order from what I can see, since I am functioning for the most part, except perhaps in areas of hygiene.
  8. My auditory hallucinations are too persistent for me to focus in school anymore. I am taking a medical withdrawal. I am on Disability so I guess I will be for the rest of my life... sigh...
  9. Hello, I have bipolar and schizoaffective disorder. I have to take 30 mg Zyprexa but it's causing me massive weight gain. I was thinking about switching to either mellaril or loxapine but I don't know how effective they are. My psychosis involved people being narcissists, having my credit card information, implanting a brain reading device on my phone, and my favorite TV series being an allegory of my life. I was extremely sick and agitated. I need something that won't cause so much weight, so any advice is appreciated. I can't take haldol or risperdal because they both made me rigid.
  10. I've always had schizoaffective-type symptoms for the last 15 years or so, but doctors never officially diagnosed it, despite some chats about it, because I was very high functioning and I worked as a teacher. These past couple years, I have not been as high-functioning.I've been unable to work, and I just am declining. My doctor is ready to put schizoaffective on my chart so I can be eligible for any of the programs associated with that diagnosis. She asked me to think of the ramifications of a diagnosis but there aren't too many places I can think of where you have to declare mental illness and get something taken away or monitored. I anonymously emailed the state board of education to make sure I could renew my license though I don't expect to teach for a while. In real life I have such bad thought disorder I have trouble having conversations. The internet is easier because I can type slow and fix things. Can you think of any other consequences? I don't plan on telling family or friends.
  11. I used to be Ativan for my spikes in anxiety, paranoid actions/thoughts, and well generally to calm whatever was going on during an episode. It worked like a charm. Now my doctor has pulled his willingness to prescribe it to me again. I am also a recovering drug addict, so I understand why he has done this. However, now I have no means, except my coping toolbox, to combat the acute symptoms that drive me to unhealthy behaviors. My other meds include: Abilify and Prazosin. So, my question is this; Is there another med that others are taking for Schizoaffective that works like Ativan that I can request information from my doc?
  12. Hi guys...so I had a suggestion from a comment on a vlog I did of someone suggesting I ask my Dr about switching to a combo of Zyprexa and Abilify. I currently take Risperdal and Abilify (along with Lamictal and Effexor) and the cocktail is NOT WORKING I recently started the Abilify at 5mg, then 10mg and I seem to be rapid cycling with a growing amount of paranoia and anxiety. It was suggested by the commenter that the Zyprexa will help the anxiety and some of the psychosis I'm experiencing (voices, shadow people, paranoia) and the Abilify will keep me from falling asleep all day and help with negative symptoms associated with my Schizoaffective Disorder. Please give any advice you have about either or both of these meds... I can't see my Dr any sooner than the 15th and that is about 6 days away. We have tried, and maxed out, pretty much every other antipsychotic out there and nothing lasts for long. We tried Zyprexa alone about two years ago but I COULD NOT FUNCTION....I was falling asleep trying to work, drive, etc. Not good. Don't know if it would have taken care of the symptoms had I given it a longer run, but I couldn't lose my job and so I dropped it. Anyone try it and had the sleepiness go away after your body got used to it, like a few days or so?? I'd like to try it again as I've heard some good things...other than weight gain which is hard for me as a recovering anorexic...ugh. I need feedback pwetty pwetty pwease
  13. Hey guys I need your help! The past week and a half or so I've been getting progressively more paranoid and it's getting to the point I have panic attacks as I get ready to leave the house for work. I don't feel safe at work and am so stressed that I block out the majority of the day and have no idea what I do. When I shower the Shadows start chattering just quietly enough that I can't make out the words but I feel threatened by them, and they scramble my thoughts as I try to work. My pdoc just added Abilify 5mg to my meds in addition to Risperdal 3mg, Lamictal 200 mg, and Effexor 150mg. Have any of you had success with Abilify reducing paranoia? How soon might it work? I'm really struggling to get myself out of the house and to put in a day at work. I cry on the way there and usually on the way home too from the fear. I feel like they're plotting to capture me for experimenting. I don't know what for but I feel like they will keep me. Please help! Thank you so much!
  14. I have a working diagnosis of rapid cycling schizoaffective bipolar type and diagnoses of OCPD and severe PTSD. I was told i exhibit signs of BPD (Fear of abandonment, self harm, no sense of or poor perception of self image/identity, strained relational aspects, rapid mood swings that last only days/hours) but no clear diagnosis can be made due to the complexity and overlap of symptoms of what I have PTSD over and the bipolar aspect. I have done extensive research on BPD and have always felt like I recognized with the symptoms, but have no clue if its just purely coincidental due to the nature of what I'm dealing with. What I am wondering is would it be beneficial to keep track of and mark when I have mood shifts and what I think caused them as well as any marked changes in self perception/image and relational aspects and why I feel how I do when I do. Is it worth it to commit this much to something I may not even have because it's explained by other factors, or would this be beneficial in ruling out other factors and closing in on a more firm working diagnosis? I am unsure if I should dedicate my time to something that may be futile in nature, because there just hasn't been enough time yet to work through my PTSD and other factors that are clouding a possible diagnosis. I don't really know what I would do with a diagnosis, I just feel like I'm more in control when I do know for certain because I can work towards getting better with an effective and throughly thought out plan. Any input? Am I out of line with my thinking or do I have legitimate cause to think the way I do? I feel like I'm simply trying to justify a way to feel in control and like im heading somewhere right now, but at the same time, I do truly feel like there is something else, something deeper, going on with me that is just being clouded by what I'm dealing with. Am I just thinking too far into this and grasping at something I think will give me control?
  15. I can't stop obsessing. It's not an ocd obsession, this is just flat out schizophrenia. My diagnosis is schizoaffective bipolar. Day and night, I find myself thinking of people in my recent past and imagining what they are thinking about me. It is never true is the kicker, I always make up the words they are saying out of the blue and recreate their voice. I do not hallucinate and never physically hear anything. It is all on a delusional level with me. Simple things in life like facebook, I now have 98 more people that i sit and speak for, about, imagine. Constantly saying sorry. I apologized the other day when someone let me take my lunch at work, they were like, ok lunch is not sorry. Calling my mother has prevented me from going into a psychotic episode many times. This is not true honey. For some reason I was given a hit of lsd in my dna. God knows why. I don't know I guess it just felt better to say it. thanks.
  16. Are you or any one you know been put on this injection? If so how has it worked with your symptoms? What is your dosage and how long have you been on it? Do you have any negative side effects? Please let me know!
  17. My name is Connor and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I've gone through two hospitalization within the past year and a half. When I was in high school I struggled with trusting people and having thoughts that people were talking about me and they they didn't like me. I was angry a lot and talked back to the teachers and was center of attention for my behavior in class. I even had this problem as a young child and growing up in middle school. I was paranoid that I was sick or that I would die and sometimes I would be so stressed out with by all my emotions and thoughts that I would become ill for weeks at a time. I didn't go through my first psychosis until after I turned 21. I was very heavy into drinking and smoking marijuana and working 60 hour weeks between two part time jobs. Between working and hanging out with friends I was living on hardly any sleep ever. When I was with people or at their houses I would rant and pace back and forth everywhere throughout the house. I binged drank and that made me heavy with my emotions especially combining with smoking pot. I was dating a friend of mines boyfriends best friend to whom I like st my virginity to. I was so head over heals with my emotions that I just craved to have him around. I drank a lot when we were together and we had lots of s-x. I know as someone with mania you become super attached and obsessed with someone or something that it becomes overbearing. You show to me ch emotion and become overly attached that you scar them off. It became to much for him that he dwas cud to cu things off with me. This broke my heart. The little trust that I had in myself and others was completely gone. I started to become detached and distant and more out of touch with reality. I didn't want to let go of the thought that it was over that I became psychotic and gave myself false delusions that we were going to be together still. I had an incident at work where a little boy got hit in the parking lot and had to get flight for life to the hospital. I became so obsessively paranoid at work with he new their that they could read my thoughts that I had so much anxiety that I had to leave. I started seeing things like bugs that weren't there and speaking in word salads that every single thing had to have a meaning to it. I thought the government was poisoning our water and that I was being hugged and wired tap for the whole world to see my life. This also happened during my second episode of psychosis. I walked around town for 10 miles jumping barbed wire fences and sitting at the local Starbucks flipping off people inside the Starbucks. I had a confrontation with this boy I went to high school with, who I thought was secretly my brother sent back from the military secretly plotting against me who was sent to kill me in the next what I was going through "hunger games" I thought the cops were following me and that I was secretly a running mate with the guy whom I let my virginity to and we were going to rule the world. And I also thought my hometown was a military base that was one of the last cities on earth to have peace and structure and that the world around us was in a brutal war and the world was ending. I shortly got hospitalized and was in the hospital for about 9 days when I had got put into a shout called sustenna invega for people with schizophrenia. Since then I have not had any psychosis. My shot had caused me to go into s full depression leading me to lose my job. Since then I've got my job back and have been taking Zoloft to help me get through the day with a better outlook. I'm still struggling heavily with the negative symptoms of my disorder. When I was in my psychosis I had enrolled myself into college because I was very set on being a business manager. It was all I could think about that I stayed up for a week enrolling and takng tests to get into school. I was very manic about it. After my last hospitalization I had to drop out of school due to my negative symptoms. I find it hard to create new relationships with people or to pick up hobbies. Is there anything I can take to give me the drive I used to have? Or was my drive caused by my mania. I'm coping better these days with my thoughts and I am not paranoid. Please let me know you're story's and struggles with your schizoaffective disorder and what you do to maintain your symptoms either negative or positive.
  18. For those who are able to have a relationship or be married with a MI, I would like to know: how are you able to have a succesfull relationship? Does your partner support you when you are symptomatic? At what stage of your relationship did you disclose your MI?
  19. Hi all, Been struggling recently, and I've since noticed self care has kind of gone out the window. I'm getting incredibly neglectful about personal hygiene (including keeping myself and my surroundings clean as they should be) and I'm not even sure why. Exercise is almost non existent, and about the only vaguely interesting activity I manage is watching Elementary on TV once a week. I'm still going to work and succeeding at work, but I'm afraid they'll fire me for turning into a total weirdo. (Depression and paranoia are present too, along with hallucinations on occasion). I went to the GP yesterday (who recommended upping the antidepressants) and who has organised for me to see a psychologist at low cost, but I can't currently afford to see a psychiatrist. So, because I appear to have forgotten how to take care of myself, does anyone have advice on how to adult? I live alone with virtually no support (apart from a daily phonecall from my Mum who lives on another continent), so need some tips on what to do to turn my life around. What do you do that works to keep you functioning in society, mostly sane, mostly happy and more or less healthy?
  20. I am mainly wondering where the line is between paranoia and anxiety is, but also where delusions fit in, for the sake of accuracy when I discuss things with my doctor. I will, of course, discuss in detail what I am experiencing with him, but I would like to call things by the correct name so I don't sound like I am either being dramatic or downplaying my experience. Our meetings are barely 15 minutes, so I want to be very clear with him. For example, I was recently very concerned and had a minor panic attack because I thought that my auto repair garage was going to try to kill me by messing with the fuel tank in my truck (which I took to them for repair) as revenge for them having difficulty finding a replacement tank. While I was waiting, they kept talking in the office between themselves about how other automobiles have suddenly exploded or caught fire from fuel leaks. At the time I took this as a threat. The worst of the feelings lasted only about half a day, but I am still anxious that they are going to rig my truck to catch fire/explode. I become so concerned by the end of the day that I had trouble talking to people or even doing everyday things. I am also constantly worried about the police raiding my house (I have done nothing wrong and have nothing illegal in my house). I have talked with my girlfriend about my fears, and she says they are not logically sound. I don't know whether to call these things severe anxiety, paranoia, delusions, or something else. The distinctions between these are not clear to me. Can anyone help clarify the medical distinction between the these, as you understand them?
  21. I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder (pdoc uses them interchangeably with me) (this diagnosis has been around for a few years for me), as well as BPD, social anxiety, and a history of cannabis dependence and substance abuse (though I've been clean for a long time). I get an injection monthly, Abilify Maintena, but this was not enough, so the oral Abilify was added as well. This took away most of the "hallucinations" but my beliefs still persist, though they are becoming less... strong? Anyway, I've seen my current doctor now for over a year, and I've been in and out of the hospital during this time. My dose has gone up to 25 for the oral, and I get 400 for the injection. I also take prozac for anxiety. The thing that's worse and I don't fully know if it is from my symptoms is I strongly feel my prime minister is a robotoid, a dead-body-puppet. I really want to go to his home to expose him, or write a letter to request to do so. I feel like he knows me. The TV is still playing things about my life, too. Though that's been going on, I barely hear voices anymore. I am still seeing things, but not as much, though in some respects that is worse as well. I am going to be missing a dose of my injection because seeing my family in another city is more important, but also so my appointments sync back up with my injections I'm too afraid to tell my doctor about trudeau. It's bad enough I have a lot of intrusive thoughts lately about hurting people, but my future seeing (clairvoyance) makes me able to see what people would do to me if I did those things... but my Prime minister needs to be exposed. Though, if this is part of my symptoms, then I'll just be getting myself into trouble. I've also fallen out of routine with taking meds properly, missing two days a day apart Though that shouldn't do much. The reason why I am afraid to tell my pdoc about this is because I once thought I had to hurt a newsreporter and he told the cops, even though I was never charged it makes me reluctant to tell him things. I've told other people things and this is how I know the Canadian Secret Intelligence Service is spying on me because I have said this about Trudeau. I'm kinda going on and on but I'm not sure what steps I should take. Since things are seemingly better yet worse.
  22. ** Please do not read this if you are easily triggered. I go into graphic detail about my past, as there is a lot I need to get off my chest anonymously. However, caveat lector. ** Hello! I go by the name Hellbent. I'm 18, and live in the British Isles. I have a long and storiaed history of mental quirks and quiddities. I taught myself to read at tewo from reading the captions underneath pictures in my grandfather's newspapers, and from reading food packaging. I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism at 5 or 6, and declared a "gifted and talented child". I'm uncertain whether the "gifted and talented" diagnosis still exists, or whether it ever meant anything at all. I was offered a scholarship to a prestigious educational institute for the gifted and talented in the Western Isles, but my mother held me back because "my emotional development would never catch up with my intellectual development". The institute in question mostly catered for teenagers, and my mother feared that I may have been bullied. I resent that greatly. If I had been sent there, I would have escaped the living hell that my mother put me through. Although I was originally diagnosed with "high-functioning" autism, my IQ testing well over 100, my behaviour as I slowly, slowly grew up would certainly have landed me in the "classical autism" group had my child psychiatrists been around to see it. (I spent a lot of time as a child playing cruel games with my child psychiatrists!) There were holires in the plasterboard walls of the house where I grew up because I'd throw myself against them repeatedly at the slightest inkling of frustration or sadness. Indeed, I don't believe I ever felt any emotion but frustration until my preteens - when my grandfather died, confined to a nursing home after a life of undiagnosed PTSD from fighting in the Pacific Theatre and depression resulting from a series of disabling strokes and TIAs, in and out of the local mental hospital in which I would later spend time, I felt more empathetic frustration for him, having been trapped in a dark, stinking, crude environment for almost a year, most likely the home's only inmate with an intact mind, than I did sadness. I feel strong empathy, but I am almost unable to feel sympathy. In a poem whose name I cannot remember, the Scottish poet Norman MacCaig talks of "the distance of pain which nothing can overcome". In that line, MacCaig expresses his frustration that he cannot share in his dying wife's pain. I am that nothing - I feel very acutely the pain of others. I felt everything that my grandfather went through, from his horror of a pot lid rattling - my synaesthesia brought on tehe exact same imagery of gunfire that I am certain must have occurred to him - to his unspeakable despair at his confinement to a nursing home. Thus, I felt no true sadness when he died, but, rather, an intense echo of his lifelong frustration at his inability to function. He had been an actuary before he had been conscripted - he taught me to multiply and dievide on an abacus when I was 6 or 7, and many, many arithmetic shortcuts - but, as far as I know, he never could hold down work after the war. Until the ages of 11 or 12, I never felt any emotion of my own, only empathetic feelings from others, except for frustration. I first experienced psychosis at around 9 or 10. I heard my aunt's voice calling my name repeatedly, as if from the sky. She wasn't so much as in the house at all. I ascribed it to angels, and became obsessed with angels. I was intended to be raised a Catholic, but after my parents' divorce my mother tried to get me into the Free Church of Scotland Continuing - which I had no time for. I found their cadence to be dour, inhuman, and deathly sexless. I collected holy cards obsessively. I was especially fascinated by St. Christina Mirabilis and by St. Sebastian, and I had quite a few of them. I ordered them from the Internet. At 11, menarche hit, and, in a fit (that word will occur again in quite a different context) of confusion eerily echoing what was later to be one of my favourite films (guess?), I believed that, for it to have come about quite so early, it must be a sign of something. I came to believe that I was St. Margaret of Cortona. I cut the word "Cortona" into my chest with my grandfather's whittling knife, and came quite close to slashing up my genitalia on several occasions. I tried, thankfully fruitlessly (funny choice of word!), to find one of those extremist Islamist doctors who carry out infibulations. Later that year, I came across a website dedicated to a - clearly somehow mentally ill - Internet artist and unintentional celebrity. Years earlier, she'd posted an innocent picture of herself on a forum, not realising how obsessive the denizens of that forum had been. They tracked down her Livejournal, where she had posted page after page of conceptual photography, some explicit. The website I'm now discussing sprung up as a place of veneration for this unfortunate girl. The website kicked off my first phase of serious self-injury, as the girl being so intensely deified had been a heavy self-injurer, and many of the posters on this website encouraged self-injury. I was a believer in mortification of the flesh, and I did some quite unmentionable things in pursuit of paying tribute to the girl I too came to worship. The website closed down a couple rof yearrs later, but a similar, although far less extreme, site survives, and I was a regular poster there until recently. I would dress up in the vogue of the "goddess"'s most famous pictures on group video chat. The worst phase of my cult membership, for it was indeed a cult, was the time I covered my school uniform in menstrual blood, smeared it across my face, and wrote the address of the website all over my school in it. That incident led to my first non-PDD diagnosis: psychotic depression. I was put on fluoxetine, which quite possibly explains what happened next. The next notable incident in the development of my health occurred, again, at the tail end of my eleventh year. Quite possibly my worst year to date. I had what I now recognise as a manic episode, and adopted an alternate identity. I developed a fixation on an anime cartoon, and spent all of my time on a website dedicated to it, mainly populated by older men. Being hypersexual (indeed, I am constantly hypersexual, even when depressed; I am beginning to believe that I am a clinical nymphomaniac) and a raging teleiophile, I attempted to proposition many of them, addressing them using my adopted identity. Said identity developed into a full-blown manic personality. I became somewhat bisexual, but in a very bizarre way: I was attracted to very, very young girls, and to far older men. These days, I've settled down into simply heterosexual attraction to moderately older men, but those days were wild. I never looked at porn, oddly enough - I gave it a try, but found it all too synthetic and silly - but I constantly fantasised about things I don't feel that I can mention. In the real world, I insisted on being addressed by my alternate name, and acted incredibly callously and antisocially. I became obsessed with computers, built one, and then began to collect them. My room was small, so I could barely move for all the computer rubbish. My mother indulged my eccentricity at first, but later began to lose her temper with my Victorian style of dress, borderline-hoarding, and use of gamers' language in Blakean syntax, and took me to a chiropractor, who "prescribed" multivitamins. By 12, the cycling induced by the fluoxetine had thrown me into a depression. I had had suicidal thoughts since 8 or 9, but first acted on them at 12. I put the Manics' song "Die in the Summertime" on repeat and attempted to slit my wrists with the same knife I'd pulled the "Cortona" nonsense with. Thankfully, I think I only hit a bunch of capillaries, and I managed to stem the bleeding in about seven hours once I realised it wasn't going to work. My mother let it slide, but I was bullied at school. I'd already been bullied at school for my meltdowns, but it worsened so, so much when my classmates noticed the cuts on my wrists. From 13 to 14, my mental health improved greatly. I was taken off the fluoxetine, shook off the manic alternate personality, and excelled at school. I passed my Intermediate 2s with seven As, and two Highers with an A and, er, a C. I was invited to an Advanced Higher English course, and accepted, but had to drop out before I began my dissertation - it was to be on Irish vs. Scottish black humour in literature, comparing MacCaig's poetry and The House with the Green Shutters with The Third Policeman and After the Wake - because my aunt, who mostly brought me up and whom I loved dearly, developed throat cancer, and I couldn't focus on writing when I could feel the agony that my aunt was going through. In late 2010, I began to believe that I was beginning to look old, and that I needed to look younger to find a re al boyfriend, so I stopped eating for days on end. In 2011 this worsened. In January 2011 I was almost 9st; in July 2011 I was close to 4st. I was hospitalised with multiple organ failure, and diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. In September I was sent to residential inpatient, where I spent one day short of a year. Being a CAMHS unit, it was dire; I would far rather have been sent to an adult mental hospital. My fellow inpatients competed with one another constantly to be the sickest. At one point, I lost my temper with one girl to the extent that I punched her in the face and slapped her against a wall. The incident was recorded on CCTV, and, had I not been so underweight, I would have been expelled from the unit. I was NG fed for some time. My more recent mental illness experiences are a little too raw yet to be spoken of in public, and, besides, I've rambled on long enough. My final major diagnoses were occipital lobe epilepsy - I had what I now recognise as partial seizures, many, many migraines, and a couple of possible tonic-clonics as a child, but was only given an EEG at 16, and had a tonic-clonic during the strobe test, and subsequently had several MRIs which confirmed brain damage and epilepsy - and schizoaffective bipolar disorder at 17, which I doubted at first, believing myself to be borderline, but, after some research into the topic, found that it fit (hah) perfectly. I hope that I'll fit (there I go with that same pun again) in here alright.
  23. For those of you who have schizoaffective, which of your symptoms came first? Was it the depression/mania which then slid into psychosis? Or did the psychosis come first and the depression and mania much later? Or did they all happen at once? For me it was the psychotic symptoms which started off very gradually over the course of a year or so and became worse as time went on.
  24. When you first got ill, what did you think your symptoms ( intrusive thoughts, hallucinations, delusions) were?. Did you realize you became ill or did you think something else? Was a psychiatrist the first type of doctor you made an appointment with or some other kind? When a diagnosis was given to you, did you accept it?