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Found 17 results

  1. Self harming.

    I have been self harming since I was 11. I started off just scratching and using an eraser to burn myself. Through the next few years I work my way up to cutting. I started with the little bitty razors from pencil sharpeners but they weren't enough, so I would steal the big rectangle razors from the convenience store where my mom worked at the time. They worked well, they were sharp and I was satisfied...for a while. Flash forward to present day. I'm 21 with a job in healthcare and I still can't stop myself from cutting. Its become a custome. That's my go to when I'm stressed, upset, lonely, sometimes even if I'm bored. I just like to have cuts or burns or scratches on me at all times. Its like a secret that I don't have to share its amusing to me in a way. I feel almost naked if I don't have at least a few cuts on me at any given time. I've tried to stop and for a while I did, but I just keep turning back. I want to move forward with my life but its like I'm stuck In a hole that I can't climb out of. I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and I'm stuck here hurting myself with no control over anything. My anxiety is to bad to seek help. I just feel like I would be better off dead because dying just seems so easier, more realistic and more inviting than trying to live a normal life.
  2. Yesterday, I self injured in my sleep. This happened once before, and I am scared of this happening again. I'm taking my meds as prescribed, but I'm wondering if this is a sort of sleep walking, and if there is anything I can take to prevent it. I suffer from anxiety and post traumatic stress and past physical abuse issues. Any advice is appreciated.
  3. I live with Bipolar I, PTSD, and inattentive type ADHD. As a result, I have a history of SI. Last summer I was hospitalized for almost a week bc of my injuries and a psychotic break. Lately I have been fantasizing about SI. I have two very specific, gruesome scenarios that I think about. Although I have not acted on them, these fantasies soothe me to the point that I have trouble falling asleep unless I am thinking about them first. Last night my husband asked me if I was OK. He said I seemed "off." I relented and told him about the fantasies in all their graphic glory. While I was talking, he was frequently distracted by his laptop. When I finished telling him my story, he immediately began talking about our next vacation with no comment about what I'd just said. So is telling a loved one about SI urges and fantasies a bad idea, even if they ask? I feel like he couldn't care less even though he asked!
  4. Just want to get better

    Hello. My name is Lisa. ive been struggling with the addiction of cutting since 14 years old. I am now 28. I have good months and I've even gone a year without cutting. Recently I went back to self harming. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel sad constantly. I have an amazing husband that treats me like a princess but I still just don't feel good enough. He knows my cutting history and does everything to support me. I started seeing a therapist again.. and I hope that starts working. I can't talk to any of my friends about my struggles. It would be nice to have someone to lean on that can keep me strong. Just need people that understand the addiction. Thanks for listening.
  5. Feeling Hopeless

    I posted this in the depression board and no one was recalling finding it so I'm moving it here. "I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out. About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying. Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go..... I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work..."
  6. I feel like sometimes everything just seems to happen at once, or at the worst time possible. I haven't been able to afford my medication, and so haven't taken it in over a week, and on the weekend my partner and his dad got in a massive argument over our room being untidy (we live with his parents until we can afford our own place), which resulted in me hurting myself, which I'd so far managed to avoid doing for months. On that evening I got a call from my mum telling my my Grandad had passed away, and though I knew it was coming, I wasn't expecting it so soon. I just feel like everything is piling up around me and there's nothing I can do. Because I work full time I can't see the outreach worker I only just got off the waiting list for, and the only decent therapist I've had has a massive waiting list too. I honestly just feel quite lost.
  7. I cut a couple of days ago, a bit deeper than I usually go, and I'm really worried about one specific cut. Could it be infected??!? I really hope it isn't, as I can NOT tell my parents, I'm not ready to tell anyone.... Also, what should I do to help the cut heal? And if it is infected.....is there any way I could just leave it alone and hope for the best? Or do something myself? I'm wayyy too scared to tell a doctor, as I would have to tell my parents first. By the way, the cut is a bit more than an inch long and on my thigh.
  8. So, you may have read my post about Deep TMS and how it saved my life. Unfortunately, my feelings were short lived. My last treatment was Wednesday 4\27\2016. As soon as I tapered down to one treatment a week, I was sent into a depressive fog. I became suicidial, depressed, isolative, and started to self injure. My treatment team is very aware and I live in a boarding home so I am pretty safe. I am on suicidial checks and also just hang out in the community. I, still am on the end of my rope. So, next step: ECT. I hope it works. Peace.
  9. I finally made an appointment with a counselor, which is a step in the right direction. I haven't had a real appointment yet, just an intro to get the gist of what's going on, make sure I didn't need emergency help etc. I want to be open about stuff because I really want to get better but I'm kind of nervous of talking about everything. I'm scared I'll get reported or they'll recommend I get committed or something. I don't think I'm any worse off than the majority of people struggling with stuff, I just want help. But once you take about what's going on you can't take that back. I feel like saying that I want to do something will mean to them that I will do something. I'm not suicidal at all (and have never been, actually) I'm talking more along the lines of SH or daydreaming about stuff like that. How honest are you with your counselor? Do you tell them everything that's really going on? I've never gotten help before so I think I'm just nervous about the unknown. I just want to get a grip on my life.
  10. I did not put this on the 'Self Injury' board because this topic is not about Self Injury or recovery specifically, but about scars. I figured it would be more appropriate here because of the context and content. But of course, any mod or admin can move this where it may be most appropriate. Warning: contains triggering content. I talk about self harm, scars, and wounds. I also provide a link below which has more info, and a picture of the kind of scar (scar, not wound FWIW) I am referring to for reference. If you are triggered by ANY of the mentioned content, please do not read further! ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** I had Social Anxiety since I was a toddler, but didn't develop clinical depression until I was a teenager. I started self harming when I was 13 with burning (with erasers - which didn't cause scars), but when I was no longer satisfied I found out about cutting through internet "friends" when I was 16. At the time I didn't know about 'hypertrophic scarring', or that I was one of the *lucky ones*(sarcasm) who was predisposed to it. A hypertrophic scar (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypertrophic_scar) is a scar that has excessive amounts of collagen which makes it look raised, and never looks healed. And getting stitches makes the scar look worse, because the collagen builds over the stitches. Hypertrophic scars are red, and sometimes pink or bright white. They are also thicker than they are supposed to be because of the collagen that builds up. And no matter how old they are they itch like hell when they get wet. They are sometimes even painful when they get hit or poked. I once used a edged pocket knife which required stitches, and only felt brave enough to tell someone what I did because I was told that if I "got stitches I wouldn't have a scar". To this day, it's the worst scar I have because the collagen grew over the stitches and the scar is raised and is pink and white. You can actually see each stitch still. Because the collagen grew over. Each. Stitch. I only Self Harmed for a year, and hypertrophic scars is huge reason why (as well as cutting only made me feel guilty). However with hypertrophic scarring, it doesn't have to take a knife to make me scar like that. A cat scratch, when a dog jumps on me and slides his claws on my skin (but doesn't cause blood), when my own nail gets caught, an accidental cut, even a scrape when I slide against something - every cut or scratch I get leaves a white, pink, or red, raised scar or mark that itches. My scars cause A LOT of negative attention from doctors (not worry BTW). So much so its annoying. I haven't SI'd in 10 YEARS and I get lectured on visits. A lot times the conversation get's sidetracked away from the reason why I am there (Neurology, Gastroenterology, GP, etc.) and directed towards my scars and they talk about cutting/"how depression can mimic *insert why I'm there*. And when I interrupt and tell them about my scars and "look, they are obviously old, I haven't SI'd in 10 years".....the look on their face is priceless. But the fact the conversation NEVER get's back to me being a serious patient, infuriates me. Does ANYONE have issues with scarring like this? Especially who has dealt with Self Harm and so has a lot of them (and thus has the same kind of issues)? How do you deal with people, and your very NOTICEABLE scars? How do you deal with the scars themselves (is there ANYWAY to treat them...because Mederma is out of the question)? I have tattooed over some of my scars (it takes a couple of sittings BTW-they soak up ink). Other tattoos (from crappy artists) have CAUSED hypertrophic scarring ON the tattoos where there were no scars before!
  11. This article gave me a merciful, positive way to look at myself after I mess up and cut after I've been trying really hard not to. I like trying to see myself in a different light that doesn't leave my feeling so down and depressed. Cuz I'm not perfect but I try. If you need some encouragement, I would highly recommend reading it. https://hopeshearth.wordpress.com/2015/04/23/celebrate-victories/ Are there other things that you all come across that inspire you to keep going? Please share!
  12. If you've read the guidelines, you will know that this forum is focused on recovery and understanding the reasons behind self harm. While we prefer to concentrate on the underlying urges that feed this behaviour and in finding alternatives, we recognise that many of our members still need detailed assistance in figuring out their own circumstances and options. This includes what to do with (1) basic wound care, (2) judging whether or not to go to an ER or seek medical assistance, and (3) how to start the road to recovery and understand what's going on. The links below have been vetted by our mod team, and each contains compassionate and practical information which we hope you will find helpful. We encourage you to read through them, and post on the forum itself if you still have questions. A guide for those who self injure (excellent article with links which speak about reasons for self injury, treatment and recovery) Self injury help, support and treatment (another excellent and up-to-date article which speaks about myths, facts and understanding) Caring for self harm wounds (detailed information on caring for injuries) Self injury treatment checklist (for use if you have to go the ER and don't feel able to speak in detail about your situation) Signed, The SI Mods
  13. I had a good weekend, didn't drink at all. Sat at the bar drinking sprite all night then went to a friends house and watched movies fri and sat night. now it's sunday night and i'm fully rested. and i'm sitting here and the urge to cut myself is great, i can see it in my head. the voices are cheering me on saying do it do it, i'm struggling to use some dbt skills to avoid scarring myself. i don't understand why things are so improved that i have to be this way, i'm like hmm good weekend must punish self. anyone else get this way. i'm going out of my mind
  14. Australian participants aged 18-25 required for a research project looking at the relationship between body image concerns and non-suicidal self-injury. This study, approved by the ethics board of Monash University, hopes to improve the understanding of this relationship, and look at factors that may be protective or predictive. This study will require you to complete an online survey, taking approximately 35-50 minutes. By participating, you can go in the draw to win a $100 Village Cinemas Gold Class gift card. Both males and females are invited to participate. You do not need to have a history of self-injury to participate in this study – we require a variety of responses. Please note that people who have attempted suicide in the past are not eligible to participate in this study. This survey contains questions on a number of sensitive issues that may cause discomfort or concern in some participants. If you have a history of self-injury, you will be asked to disclose some details on types of self-injurious behaviours, frequency and intent. Body image concerns and eating attitudes are also discussed, and you may feel uncomfortable answering these questions. Questions in the survey also cover topics such as symptoms of depression and anxiety, coping skills and emotion. Please only complete this survey if you feel able to answer questions on these topics. If you are feeling distressed during the survey, you may withdraw at any point prior to submitting your answers. A list of counselling and support services will be provided at the end of this statement and upon completion of the survey. Results from this study will hopefully improve understanding of the relationship between body image and self-injury, and indicate directions for treatment and early intervention. Please contact [email protected] if you have any questions about this study. More information can be found at the link below http://tinyurl.com/nssisurvey Thank you, Elise N.B. This research request has been approved by the moderating team.
  15. So, my self injury. My fiance found out about it not that long ago... he was upset, to say the least, and only now am I able to explain - I feel the need to punish myself. If I make a social mistake (problems interpreting social cues), or if I let someone down, or if I upset him (which is cyclical of course). I feel guilty, and I get recurring thoughts about how horrible and worthless I am, and I can't stop focusing on my mistake until I am punished... Does anyone else feel like this? Like they MUST punish themselves? I've promised him I won't do it anymore and that's helped me a lot so far but it's REALLY hard when I need to punish myself...
  16. So, I'm quite new here, but anyways. I got depressed and started cutting when I was 11, tried to commit suicide and all that during the next 4 years. I went through a therapy. When I was 15 I was completely fine, there were lows, and thoughts of self injury, but hey, it's normal isn't it ? Now I am 17, and I went to Asia for an exchange programm. I'm here since ten month. And I was abstinence from self harm around two years. I faced some problems here, I was sexual abused for example, but I don't have issues with that, I mean hello ? I'm not a victim, and I could protect myself, so hey, I am fine. The thoughts came more often. Cutting, cutting, cutting. Blood, Blood, Blood. And yesterday I freaked out and I did it. And not too bad. After 2 years, 37 cuts. Not bad my friend. So now, I am scared, I don't know what to do and I'll go home in 2 weeks. What to do now ? Everybody thinks and says I'm fine, but in fact, today I could do it again. Just to calm down. To make the voices shut up. To feel good. In fact, I don't regret it. I don't think Hey, I did something wrong to myself, I just think, hey, you disappointed everybody again, if you tell anybody.And my family, they're so proud and happy that I'm so grown up and mature and fine now. And my friends they are so excited. And my ex therapist, she's so fond of me. And everything just works out fine. Except that I want to destroy myself. Any suggestions ? I would be glad for some kind of help or advice
  17. DISCLAIMER: I myself have never been a "member" of any SI forum before, and have never suffered from anything similar, so I apologize if I say something wrong that is not usually acceptable within this community. I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months, and I know for a fact that during this time, she has only SI 4 times. I know that it must be VERY hard for her, as reading posts online and talking things through with her have made things abundantly clear to me, and made me aware that this is not just a coping strategy, it is an addiction. She told me that it used to be every day that she would SI and only recently has she stopped. My real concern here is that if things don't work out, which I'm sure they will, as we haven't argued once over the 10 months, she will relapse. I have helped her through the past 10 months, and it has been all good through this whole time, but I just worry that if she thinks nobody out there cares about her, then she will go back to SI. Now, obviously, that's not just my main concern. Her parents are implementing a new set of "rules" for her, which are supposed to help with her self confidence issues. She has to dress in certain ways now, and change things that she doesn't necessarily want to change. I am worried that this stress as well may become too much for her, and she may turn to SI to cope with it all. She feels OBLIGED to keep to these rules because her parents have said that if she does, then they will let us have a weekend alone in her house in the summer, which is what we have both wanted for a few months. The real question here, behind all of this preamble is: How can I stop my girlfriend from turning to SI whenever she feels like it's the only option? I know there are coping strategies online, and she knows this too, but is there any guaranteed way that she can break this addiction? Again, I'm sorry if this seems ridiculous, and you guys look at this and think I'm an idiot, but I've never really seriously asked anyone about stuff like this before. She has been suffering from depression for about 5 years and has also 'recovered' from Bulimia nervosa. Any input is appreciated - Concerned.
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