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Found 7 results

  1. I've got six years clean and sober, and lately I have really been craving a drink badly. My wife and I have started trying to make new friends, and we've made a few, but they all drink. They do not pressure me to drink, but I really want to. I have so much social anxiety plus life is really stressful for me right now. My wife was sober too, but last time we went to a party, she had a few drinks. She asked me if it was OK, and I said yes, but I did feel jealous. I just didn't want to impede her fun. The very fact that I want to drink so badly tells me that I am not ready to and besides, I am on meds. Anyway, has anyone been sober long-term and then started craving a drink badly? How have you handled it?
  2. So... uh... Yeah...

    So... it would appear I am at it again. I have slipped. My life has become so apathetically bland a meaningless. As a result, I have come to have my nights between 10p and 2-3a serve as my "Happy Hours." These "Happy Hours" tend to consist of me eating an edible of some kind and just being "happy" (the fake kind you get from weed or other intoxicants) for he night until I fall asleep. But lately I have been seeking out other ways to have some fun when I don't have weed. For example: tonight I took a bunch more zolpidem, More than I would need for sleep. I am very relaxed and kind of hoping I at least get to see some of the well-known zolpidem illusions we all know nd love. Aside from the zolpidem (for the calming effect), in the last month there have been a few (2) times I was in such a "not okay" state in which I was desperate to try anything that I scarfed down a few Ritalin just to see what will happen - see if it makes me any more focused. I figured what could happen? I fall asleep? I grind my teeth for a few days? Would it work and let me get things done? We discontinued it but I still have it. I don't know what's going on with me lately. I have been relatively clean (save the occasional beer and some weed) for ten years... and now this, seemingly out of nowhere. I can't help but feel that my life's station is contributing to it. Almost as if, if I can get out of this environment soon, maybe I can go back to normal life. But if I can't... what then? All I know is, I don't want things to repeat when I quit drinking back in the day. That sucked. Worst depression ever! One would think these think these things are useless. zolpidem is for sleep, dummy! Ritalin is supposed to help you focus (and not be so scrambled), idiot! I know. I know. I guess whatever happens happens.... uuuggghhhhh In conclusion: every few years I slip up. Sometimes I have friends to help me. These days, I have none. It's all on me.
  3. This post is for everyone, even people without the substance abuse Dx. So I have this feeling I am not alone here. Are there any people out there who have a substance abuse Dx mixed up with other Dx and or stand alone in the substance abuse Dx? It is pretty common for someone with a MI to develop substance abuse disorders, especially if they self medicate before they get an official Dx. I do not have stats to post at this time but I can later if people would like to know. Now the purpose of this post is to find out people's opinions on what I think is a problem in the MI community. The rejection and or dismissal of someone with a substance abuse disorder Dx. I have seen it where a person with a substance abuse Dx is sharing in a group setting, and the other attendees will automatically shift in their seats uncomfortably and either try to change the subject or dismiss it outright when the person is done sharing. I know that it is an uncomfortable subject, and that if you have not dealt with a substance abuse issue then you can not relate to well. I am sorry for saying it that way, you may be able to relate indirectly, which is also very valid. Why is it though that sometimes people do not take the other Dx that people have seriously? I have been in this situation; I was sharing in a group and when I mentioned the drug use and my issues with that and how it affected my other MI's. I was then interrupted by another attendee, that person said, then you do not really have Schizoaffective then. Thankfully the moderator jumped in and said that minimizing and discrediting someone else is not allowed. which caused a few in the room to cross their arms and stop sharing. As did I because I felt like I was not allowed to share my experience any longer. So what is the deal here? Are we (drug users) not allowed to come and share on equal terms? This can apply to CB or really any group. Are we truly in our own grouping and our story has no impact or value anymore because we are just useless junkies? Is it that having a MI is very hard for anyone in this world, and adding a Dx of drug use is just a slap in the face for people actively pursuing treatment? Do people without a Dx of substance abuse think that we (drug users) have failed or have taken an easy way out? I would encourage anyone to post here, answer the questions, or create new ones. I would like to hear everyone and their side to this. No judgments will come from me, I just want to know where I stand within the community.
  4. Hey guys I'm relatively new here. I've been on many different medications and med combinations in the past. So just curious if any of you have ever been on a cocktail similar to mine. So far it has worked wonders. I've been on this combination for months. The weight gain from the remeron was hard to deal with, but eating better and exercise helped that, and the munchies I got from it became less and less over time. I'm on Propranolol instant release 80mg 3 times a day (I used to take this 3 times a day, but now have weaned myself down to once a day when needed. The whole idea of taking a 'heart medication' still sketches me out. But apparently propranolol has a low side effect profile, I think? Lol) Gabepentin 300mg 3 times a day (however my doc for some reason gives me a monthly script of 270 300mg pills) Remeron 30mg at night Effexor ER 150mg in the Am ( apparently the combo of effexor and remeron is called 'California rocket fuel') A little bit about me. I have depression and generalized anxiety, and currently being tested for possible bipolar disorder. I have had severe substance abuse issues in the past so I have to go the non narcotic route.
  5. Greetings, I've been lurking for a bit and decided to step out of the shadows to introduce myself. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder - bipolar, PTSD and I have issues with substance abuse (which I'm actively fighting). I've lived with mental illness for most of my life and by my age (early 40s), I've learned to cope much better than I ever did and if there was hope for me, there is hope for anyone. The bipolar symptoms are under control but my psychotic symptoms are not. I have been to the pdoc recently for a med adjustment because of this. The angel of death walks nine steps behind me and I have seen his agents of death everywhere. They are cats, people or weird ball and chains made of shadow. It might sound scary but I'm aware that I'm hallucinating and seeing the grim reaper and his agents. I have been hearing voices - name being called, arguing voices that bicker and comment, the sound of rotary telephones from yester year, ghostly telepathic whispers and my mom's voice which is very soothing to me. I'm medicated and I'll need to be for the rest of my life. I look forward to participating in these forums and getting to meet people.
  6. Hi All, I have posted on here awhile back before but haven't been back. I don't know, maybe I feel like I don't have a "real" addiction, like this is more of an "acting out" thing and/or a BPD self-harm thing than actual "addiction." However, over the past 18 months of so, I have struggled off and on with DXM abuse (cough medicine that has a dissociative/mild hallucinogenic effect, maybe like ecstasy... don't know for sure because I have never tried ecstasy or "harder" drugs than pot.) I am embarrassed because this is commonly abused by mainly teenagers-- and I am 30 and never used it as a teen. I am also embarrassed because I work as an addictions therapist and, well, I am struggling with substance abuse (and its like some of my colleagues in recovery who may relapse-- I never had this problem to begin with.) I actually think both of these reasons contribute greatly to my urge to abuse this (or any, I guess) substance. It feels like a very rebellious defiant adolescent part of me that is driven to do these behaviors-- because I grew up "too fast" due to trauma stuff, had a very restrictive household, and didn't get the opportunity to experiment with drugs as a teen (maybe driving my choice for that substance in particular-- although it could also be because of lack of access to other drugs because I am so socially isolated that I don't know how to obtain drugs). Also, my use of this substance started very shortly after a work-related traumatic event...and somewhat of an irrational sick sense of jealousy of my clients (maybe for having a more "tangible" problem than addiction rather than complex trauma which hasn't seemed to have a clearly defined recovery path or support groups or IOPs or anything like that thus far... yeah, I know irrational and distorted and probably insensitive to people with "real addictions" but that is how I emotionally feel, not what I truely believe). I am baffled by my continued use of this substance, as I no longer get much of an effect from it at the doses I do (and I am terrified and unwilling to do more) and when I do feel an effect, it is largely negative. I don't enjoy it and never really did, don't crave it physically. I also haven't experiences much "consequences" of my use, which makes me worried that I don't have too much motivation to stop. My consequences are: weight gain/bloating/stomach effect from the substance, spending money on something pointless (not to to point of even remotely causing financial problems), and sense of self-shame. No one in my life knows (except my MH team, which is monitoring me), I don't use in front of other and if I am somewhat under the influence it is not noticeable to my family/SO, it is (questionably) legal, etc. But I do want to stop because I feel it does interfere with my emotional well-being (if for no reason other than the shame factor), want to be healthy, and want to focus on accomplishing higher level goals. I know it's typical for people to say they are on a "downward spiral". However, for me, I feel I am on a slightly "upward spiral"-- that is, I've been able to abstain from increasingly longer periods of time (4 to 7 days versus using daily or every other day). But, of course, my goal is complete abstinence. I'm not sure how to achieve this. I have been trying to track my "sober days" and create a reward system for myself for each sober day, with increasing reward for increasing length of sobriety. Maybe that has contributed to my increasing length of time between uses? I don't feel like AA/NA is an option for me, due to 1.) risk of running into clients at meetings (even if I went a little further away, I have worked in other facilities farther out in both directions, and I would still run the risk of seeing former clients), 2.) embarassment over not using a "real drug" and feeling the need to be dishonest about what I use, and 3.) some issues I have with 12 step model in general. I have been dusting off the DBT skills to reincorporate my skills into my life, and I think that has also been helpful in my recovery. But any suggestions you have, the better. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. P.S. I have a MUCH harder time resisting when I am about 7 to 10 days premenstrual just like with food cravings (and do have a PMDD diagnosis), so any suggestions for during this period (no pun intended) are also appreciated.
  7. Hey All. I have never posted in this forum before, and this is something I am EXTREMELY ashamed to admit to. For a little over a year, I have been abusing DXM tablets (i.e. dextromorphan, "robotripping") off and on. It started because, after a traumatic event at work which left me jobless and re-triggered PTSD, I just wanted to get out of my fucking skull for a bit-- I actually wanted to smoke weed, but I was so socially isolated in a new city (well had lived there about 1.5 years) that I didn't even know how/where to buy weed, so I tried this for the first time as a legally obtainable alternative. Though I know of course it's unhealthy, I used as much "harm reduction" as possible (i.e. buying the pills that ONLY have DXM in them, rather than ones contains like acetaminophen, decongestants, guafenasin, etc). I was generally using 1 to 2 bottles in a sitting a couple time a week, then up to 5 or 6 times a week, starting in Aug 2012 and quitting in Nov 2012. I quit before through willpower and by telling my friend, who forced me to tell my therapist and my psychiatrist, and I quit mainly because it caused me to gain some weight, the trips were becoming unpleasant, and it was a waste of money. The telling to someone made me accountable. I started doing it again here and there this past April 2013, shortly after getting a job and probably in response to job stress and triggers. (Possibly also in response to living with my parents again and wanting to escape that-- 1.) my parents were emotionally abusive to me in childhood and we had a rocky start with me coming back here, and 2.) living here makes me feel about 13, and OTC med abuse is a very teenager-y thing to do.) It started out as something I did maybe a couple times in a month but is now back up to 3 to 5 times a week, mainly only at one bottle. I've stopped doing the 2 bottles because it became unpleasant and I hated the feeling of loss of control. Sometimes I do this behavior in response to a stressor, other times just boredom, but I've found that many times it's out of a compulsion, as I really don't feel much of any effect. I feel at this point I am mainly addicted to the "process" of taking a bunch of pills, and in a sick way I somewhat like the physically ill feelings (i.e mainly diarrhea and stomach issues) I get from taking them (which is about the only effect, as I refuse to go higher). I have a history of bulimia (initially through laxative use), but I know I'm not doing this to lose weight because DXM actually increases my appetite-- but part of the bulimia was being more addicted to the "purging" (whether through laxatives or vomiting) than the food (i.e. I binged so I could have an excuse to purge, not purged because I lost control and had binged). So, is this an substance addiction thing? Is it more of a self-harm thing / trying to relive the bulimia experience? Is it kind of an OCD/compulsive thing of being addicted to the behavior more than the substance? I have also been engaging in other ritualistic/compulsive behaviors, like feeling the need to go to Starbucks at the same time daily to get exactly the same thing each day. (Another aspect of ritualistic Starbucks behavior is it gets me out of my work environment and far enough away from the building, as my work can get very stressful). I don't experience ill effects physically (or even mentally per se, like depression which is common in DXM withdrawal) when stopping use. I just have strong mental cravings and compulsions to go do i again. I am not depressed at all currently, my life is going pretty well, and my PTSD symptoms are at bay. Why am I doing this? I have no history of substance abuse or dependence-- I do have history of ED and self-harm (none current), which I can conceive of as addiction, and vice versa. How can I stop? (I have tried "playing the tape" and reminding myself of the consequences-- physiologically, psychologically, socially if people found out, career wise if people found out, risk for serotonin syndrome, etc-- but apparently that doesn't work.) Meetings seem to be out of the question, as I work as a therapist in the addiction field (another huge reason I feel ashamed) so would run into clients if I go to any meetings within a 30 mile radius. Plus, I have been to meetings for work purposes, and I haven't heard ANYONE share about this issue-- others' issues seem to be more severe and involve "real" drugs." I am terrified to tell my new tdoc and pdoc about this, as I don't know them very well yet. I am afraid they will make me go to IOP or something (again, can't do that anywhere locally because of being in the field and running into either clients or colleagues), and I am terrified my pdoc won't prescribe me benzos anymore. (My last one when I told her about the DXM started trying to taper me off of benzos, as she assumed that if you are addicted to one thing, you'll abuse anything-- I have never abused my benzos). I also can't see my pdoc and tdoc until Nov 1 or later because I am without insurance for a month. I guess if I can't stop this on my own (without at least the support of an online forum), I will have to tell them. Any behavioral suggestions I can do? I am especially scared in the immediate moment because I have to go to a pharmacy TODAY and pick up 2 prescriptions (one which I absolutely need today). Plus, I am sick with a cold and cough and would benefit from some kind of cold medicine while I am there-- we don't have any at home. I am scared I am going to give in and get a bottle of generic robotussin pills while I am there. Thanks for reading. I am just so embarassed and ashamed, especially being that I work in addiction field and that I am "too old" for this problem (almost 30). Edited for: Removing more trigger-y stuff
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