Maddy

Bipolar Psychosis In Mania/mixed Vs Hypomania

91 posts in this topic

*Reply posted by libertyjones  on: Feb 22nd, 2005, 7:33am  *

But I sitll don't get it. My pdoc jsut diagnosed me as BP.. nothing special afterwards, not really explaining my diagnosis. I know that When I'm pissed for no reason and want to kill people, that's my mania.. and them when i feel like shit and want to kill myself, that's my depression. But I can't see a cycle.. maybe cuz they threw me on meds so fast. 

hey my pdoc did the same thing to me! fooie! sounds like bp2 but do ask your newest doc; they should have some real answer even if it's "we need to wait and see."  i didn't think i had mania because i could discern my craziness from thrid party perception and never told anyone about it, but turns out it is/was enough to land me in the bp1 category/ hmmph. good luck, keep educating yourself. check out all the good stuff navy posted at the begining of the thread. i know it's still kinda confusing; nothing is concrete but it help to know loosely what the criteria is.

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by MoparGuy1991  on: Feb 22nd, 2005, 10:46pm  *

I've had some experiences with paranoia delusions as well (which were drug-induced).

One time, my family doctor prescribed Geodon once a day at night. At 40mg at night, I noticed I was getting pretty paranoid and scared later the next day. At times, I thought everybody's actions and what they said were directly related to me. One evening, I thought people were calling the cops on me and that the cops were out to arrest me. 

A while later, when my doctor moved my dose to 80mg a day of Geodon all at night, I was having times at night where I had sleep paralysis with hallucinations. When I awakened from a nightmare paralyzed, I opened my eyes and saw a fat white creature standing in my room. I was also having auditory hallucination that sounded like air whooshes. When I told it to go away in the name of Jesus, the hallucination and paralysis were gone immediately, and the hallucination faded into the background. It was scary. Then later on, I really started to have some paranoia delusions as well. I was convinced that people somewhere were out to get me and murder me. I had a manic attack because of this and ended up going to the hospital that night. They thought I was having some symptoms of Schizophrenia. But I don't have paranoia delusions when unmedicated.

Recently, I got put back on Geodon to help with depression. I started at 20mg once a day at night and after a week, I started to get rebound anxiety/agitation later the next day. I also got kinda paranoid and thought everyone was against me. This put me in a bad mixed state. 

Here's my theory on this matter. I found out later that these experiences occured because the Geodon was wearing off the next day. Geodon has a short half-life of 7 hours. When the dopamine receptors had been blocked for a period of time,  there was a sudden release and flood of dopamine in the brain when the drug wore off. Too much dopamine is linked to paranoia, ideas of reference, and excitation. Some had similar experiences with Seroquel (which has a half-life of 6 hours) wearing off the next day.

When I added a morning dose of Geodon (which is currently 20mg 2xday), I was fine. Taking it twice a day maintains the blood levels. 

BTW, these drugs shouldn't be prescribed once a day if they have short half-lives.

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by wileycat  on:  Apr 7th, 2005, 4:15pm  *

I don't know what's going on anymore. I found out recently that I was diagnosed BP 1 though my previous hisotry was always just depression. I had a bad car wreck 4.5 years ago and it seemed things changed right after that. My moods went up and down and I was way more agitated than usual. Actually, I think I have been like this all my life though mostly depressed. It is possible to develop a more BP illness as you get into your thirties? 

I was diagnosed BP 1 - last episode unspecified.

but I totaly relate with the mixed states. I start feeling really expansive in my thinking, hopeful even, but then there is this ever present feeling of doom and darkness behind it all - like I know that there is no where to go with this feleng and i am going to crash from it, like an aquired awareness. 

I used to think I was ADHD and they gave me Ritalin which only made my excessive activity and paranoia worse. Do you think BP illness has features of not being able to concentrate though one migh tnot necessarily feel really high or eupohoric. I never got so high that I felt like walking to disneyland in my bare feet or anything, like someone I used ot know. 

Is it possible to be BP 1 and not have the symptoms of being up three days in a row and feeling really good? I do get overly excited and do strange things but nothinglike spending money I dont; have though I have bought things I didn't need and on impulse at times usually associated with an endeavor I could not possibly fulfill do to  I already have so much going on in one realm of my artistic talents. 

Thanks.

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by groovyone  on:  Apr 8th, 2005, 1:16pm  *

  Bipolar disorder is considered a "spectrum disorder."  Have you had a chance to look at this thread?  Navy wrote up some information here:

http://www.crazyboards.org/index.php?showt...w=&st=entry54

As for similarities between AD(H)D and bipolar, there are lots of them.  And also, just because you have one, doesn't mean you can't have the other.  The two can "comorbid" conditions.  Some overlapping symptoms include:

- impulsivity

- inattention

- hyperactivity

- increase in physical energy

- behavioural and emotional lability

There's something called hypomania (little mania) that doesn't entail the super manic activity that everyong thinks of that is currently under the BP1 umbrella.  It's just as serious and you can do just as much damage.  Trust me, I lived there for several years.

I'm not a professional but it shoulds like you may have shifted in your dx.  Not that a dx matters that much...or at least I, personally, don't feel that it does.  I've still got a BP2 tag but by the book, I'm not because I'm an ultradian cycler.  By the book, that doesn't fit.  And it is possible to have things change over time.  It's called "kindling" and I'm a poster child.  I didn't start out the way I am today.

Regardless, it's not the label that's important, it's the treatment.  But if you're treading into hypomanic territory, you might be entering BP2 Land.  Or, if you do end up having a big super-episode at some point, it might make you BP-NOS (Not Otherwise Specified.)

And one last thought.  Stimulants can definitely make folks with bipolar worse! I'm not surprised by that comment.  They are still used in some folks with comorbid AD(H)D but the side effect of mania is carefull weighed with the severity of the AD(H)D symptoms.

Does that help at all?

Karen

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by Chris Of The Cosmos  on:  Apr 9th, 2005, 11:18pm  *

  Interesting points... but AD's seem much more likely to send me (and others) into manic states than stimulants, for whatever reason.  And I know that without my dextroamphetimine/amphetimine, I can barely sit still for long enough to type or read.  The big difference I think is that, when I start going manic-y, I become MORE likely to abuse drugs, so the line gets kind of blurry between mania/substance abuse.  But normally (heh... that's something that isn't very frequent) I have no desire to stay up for three straight days gobbling up Adderall, wheras when I'm on too high a dose of AD's, I got WAAAY manic-y, and with mania, I also almost always drink/drug myself into oblivion.  The difference is that the AD's make me manic, wheras the stimulants just KEEP me manic if I'm already manic.  If that makes sense.

  Hrm.  There is overlap in all this stuff -- substance abuse, bi-polar, AD(H)D, depression, schizoaffective... it's all sort of the same thing.  I've been tagged with all those labels, and with the exception of schizoaffective, they've all seemed to stick.  It's all crazy talk.

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by groovyone  on:  Apr 11th, 2005, 4:49pm  *

on Apr 9th, 2005, 11:18pm, Christopher P. Ervin wrote:

Interesting points... but AD's seem much more likely to send me (and others) into manic states than stimulants, for whatever reason.

For sure, Chris.  And I am one of those folks as well as far as ADs go (although I've never been on a stimulant...I'm curious to see what would happen, actually...cure me or send me over the moon! Probably the latter...)  Again, YMMV. 

Karen

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by Samwell  on:  Apr 12th, 2005, 10:52am  *

  Hey all, 

New-ish to the board, and very recently dx'd as BPII. I could identify w/ad's making ramping you up. I took Zoloft once and I'm fairly sure it made me hypomanic. (I've described it as having turned me into a grinning idiot, though, of course, I argued w/my pdoc about whether the experience qualified as hypomanic, cuz arguing's what I do.) But what I was really curious about was whether any of you experienced euphoria--and bad decision making--while taking stimulants, legal or otherwise. I used to love gobbling ephedrine--up to 250mg at a time--which I stopped some time ago, because I always seemed to end up in bed with The Wrong Person. I'd always assumed my affinity for stimulants (runs in the fam) was on account of being dx'd w/ADD, but I'm not sure true ADD folk experience euphoria on stimulants. (Ritalin and such would be out of the question for me; I'd be trying to conquer Russia.) Conversely, I wonder how said euphoria ties into a BP dx, as stimulants definitely slow my brain and calm me down. I feel like I've got reactions that plug partially into either dx, but not both. (Which may not be unusual, I understand.) Shared experiences? Thanks much.

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by mryann  on:  May 5th, 2005, 12:46pm  *

  You might say I'm "lucky" because there is no doubt whatsoever that I'm bipolar.  About 12 years ago, I had an episode of acute mania lasting almost 3 months during which I became increasingly grandiose, delusional, paranoid and finally psychotic -- by psychotic I mean seeing and talking to things/people which do not exist.  I lost 25 pounds, my job, and my relationship, spent every penny to my name, and ran up thousands in bills.  I ended up spending 15 days in a psych hospital, where it took huge doses of antipsychotics to bring me back to earth.  The doctor later told me that if I had not been brought to the hospital when I was, I could have easily died from sheer physical exhaustion.

I would say that prior to this episode, I would have been classified as BPII, because there were times during my life when I was hypomanic and then  depressed. Of course, prior to the acute mania, I believed hypomania was my ideal state and sought psychiatric treatment to stay that way.

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by angry_girl  on:  May 7th, 2005, 11:50am  *

  Reading all the stuff in Navy's initial post on this thread was very informative.  My pdoc talks a lot about me having hypomania rather than true manic episopdes (hence the BPII dx) but he has never explained anything about mixed states and neither has my tdoc.  Although the mixed state that I've been in for about a week now is much worse than the hypomanic states I've had, at least now I know that I'm not going crazier than I already am.  Aside from a slight feeling of paranoia, the 160 Mgs of Geodon I'm on has taken care of all the hallucinations and delusions; if they were still present, I swear I would be in the psych ward right now.  I'm just so angry and then tired but can't sleep and then after a day and a half without sleep, the physical sx kick in; dizziness, nausea, lack of coordination, then I'll crash into sleep for a few hours and wake up feeling like there's nothing wrong but then 2 hours later I'm crying a blue streak and pissed off that there's no reason to be sad and then the blackness of deep depression kicks in.  Thank god I see the pdoc on Tuesday!  I can't take much more of this rapid-cycling-mixed states bullshit.

Thanks, again, for all the info, Navy.

*Sandy*

Edited by NavySurya

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*Reply posted by gballsout  on:  May 8th, 2005, 12:41pm  *

  brand spanking new to the board.

i want to reply to the person who said they used a mantra about "jesus of nazereth rebukes you".

No, doesn't sound crazy to me and i'm not religious at all.  It's just that, a mantra, something to repeat and keep your head from going in crazier directions.  You can repeat "ooohm" over and over if you want.  you can say "I like the color blue".  what ever it takes, ya know?

For me, when it gets bad, I ask for a little help from my friend, Lou, who died of a stroke a couple yrs ago or Joe Strummer, a lifelong hero of mine.  It's funny when I think of it, b/c I generally believe, or at least hope, that death is the end, there is no more me.  That's what makes suicidal ideation so seductive, the end of me, the end of what's killing me inside.

Edited by NavySurya

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just wanted to say that racing thoughts can be part of an episode of depression.  it happens to me all the time and i've never had a mixed episode ever.

*Reply posted by Sduibek  on:  Jan 31st, 2005, 12:23am*

  on Jan 31st, 2005, 12:02am, NavySurya wrote:

did you mean a DEPRESSED STATE?

do you have delusional thinking during a depressed state?

heh, well mostly my thinknig is dellusional

but clinically speaking, yah my thinking gets way fucked when i'm depressed.  people start trying to say positive stuff to cheer me up, and it actually makes me feel WORSE and i start crying and stuff.  last time i felt like what i'm describing, i HAD to start clawing at my arm until i bled.  only way i could feel better...

oh i also have vivid hallucinations of like slicing people up... hmm

i'm thinking mixed state fits i suppose.  because i am very very very depressed at these times, nothing makes me feel better.  nothing.  BUT i also have some amount of high energy.. heart pounding, etc.  it's like i'm all revved up ... but i always just assumed that was just anxiety/stress sort of thing.. never realized that's actually a different type of BP state. hmm.. i'll read more

hmm..

Thoughts often race as in a manic episode, but the content is often dark and full of pessimism, worry, guilt, and self-hatred. Anxiety is also often a prominent feature of mixed mood states, evidenced by an increase in panic attacks and compulsions. Many persons with bipolar disorder describe mixed episodes as feeling much worse than either mania or depression alone.
Okay... so racing thoughts is NOT a symptom usually associated with "normal" depression or "normal" (heh) depressive BP states?  Only in a BP mixed state would you have racing thoughts AND depressive thoughts?  because whenever i have self-described episodes of really really bad depression, my thoughts race bigtime, at least in recent months.  it seems sometimes the worse i feel the more my thoughts race.  like i said i assumed it was just like anxiety or something.  and like that paragraph, every thought is 100% negative... i just keep going around in circles in my head talking to myself about how shitty everything is.  naturally it sucks

*still reading* this is fun lol

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Okay...here's my Bipolar episode that I'm going through right now.

First of all, I've been getting a little bit of sleep each night or rather late morning (5am to about 8 or 9am) for over a month now (about three to four hours).  When I wake, I feel as if I'd slept the whole day away.  I wake up bored.  I don't know what to do, plus, I don't want to do anything.  Because I'm in pain all the time, sitting at the computer is a task for me.  Right now, just sitting here typing is killing my back, thanks to my kidneys and fibromyalgia.  I get very impatient with people and snap at them.  Either that, I'm this happy-go-lucky person with a sense of humor that's sugar coated enough to make people puke.  My sex drive is in overdrive!  And because I've just gotten over a serious depressive state, my creativity is slowly returning.  I've had thoughts of doing the bad stuff (drinking and doing drugs, but haven't done either), and the suicidal thoughts have left the building since the mania has return.  I haven't thought of killing others, but my RAGE attacks will come and go when a certain subject that I don't like to talk about is raised from the dead.  Example:  while I was writing my second chapter for my bio for here (located at the Springer Board, Welcome To My World), I was all full of RAGE. 

I got mad at my best friend for asking me to borrow money, money that I don't really have and money that I want to use to go see my boyfriend in the city.  I keep hearing things.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming while I'm awake, or if it's a paranormal experience.  Usually when I do hear things or smell them...the hearing part, I swear it's my mother or my grandmother.  Since my grandmother is dead, that's why I think it's paranormal.  As for my mother, I think it's just memories of her yelling at me.  The smelling part is, I smell flowers every now and then and I don't have flowers in the house or planted outside near me. 

When I'm manic, I tend to smoke more cigarettes than usual.  I talk a hundred miles per hour.  My thoughts race and my mouth can't keep up.  I'm restless and want to keep on the move.  My legs and feet keep shaking unless I'm sitting Indian style.  I spend money carelessly.  Which sometimes I wonder if that's just not my OCD and not my bipolar.  Who the hell knows in my case?  Example, the other day, my cousin and best friend and I went shopping over at Penn State campus and I bought a porcelain doll.  Why?  I didn't need her, but she was on sale.  She's a morbidly cute doll.  Part of the "The Living Dead Doll" collection.  I just don't trust myself when it comes to money.  It burns a hole in my pocket.  I should have gotten clothes because I've gained my winter weight, but instead I just bought a t-shirt, postcards, CD's, incense, and that doll.  What a dumbass I am!

Right now, I want to get out of the house and go somewhere, but where?  I keep dosing off because of the increase in my Topamax and because of my new pain meds.  So driving is out of the question and I really don't want to go to sleep in this heat.  It's too beautiful too.  I should be out and enjoying the weather. 

One other thing, when I'm manic, my rapid cycling comes to a complete hault!  I just tend to get easily agitated.  Stay on my good side, and you're safe.  You piss me off, and watch out!  I'll scream and rant and carry on like a immature teenager.

Well, that's all for now. 

Manically high,

Elizabeth

Edited by scarlet_faery

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So does that mean if I have hallucinations when being manic I can't be Bipolar 2, I have to be Bipolar 1??

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And the criteria says that it is supposed to last nearly every day for 1-week.

Symptoms of a Manic episode AND a Major depressive episode for 1 whole week.

Well, hell.

Quite. And the jitters are perhaps the worst bit.. I'd say my last mixed episode lasted for more like two weeks.

I don't think I've ever been psychotic in any way, but I did get attacked by pigeons after leaving the outpatients' department (well, they flew at me a bit). It was really unnerving and I immediately burst into tears. The trouble is though - I think it was real but part of me isn't sure. Unfortunately there was no one around to verify it.

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...The trouble is though - I think it was real but part of me isn't sure. Unfortunately there was no one around to verify it.

I have definately had things happen before that made me wonder a couple times... I didn't really question it until later, but by then I couldn't even try to figure it out. I am pretty sure that stuff really happened, but my mind makes me unsure because I have been caught off guard.

I think the time criteria is a little odd. But I don't know if that is just from personal experience and because we have a lot of people on the board who stray from the "norm" of the DXs. But there can be only a few days and you know that it is more than just having a few off days. It's definately a clinical mood thing. But I am not sure how one could describe that in an objective way to assess someone.

And uh... what you were saying also reminded me of something I was writing about a while ago. About hypo/mania and psychosis and the inbetween. And I think a lot of people want to try and see it in a strange "You aren't delusional and you aren't hallucinating, so you are fine." sort of way. But that's a bad idea and I can't quite figure out what a better idea might be.

I mean, I haven't figured it out for myself.

Apperantly I have no problem talking out my ass,though. Not only when I don't know what I am talking about, but also with half-formed ideas. YAY!

Er, anyway. I thought will be happy and fit here,too. So you may have read the next part of this before.

And now it's time for Bullshit Review!

Where I respond to nothing inparticular.

Maybe psychosis should really be the criteria that distinguishes mania from hypomania. The other criteria is supposed to be that hypomania does not have a 'marked impairment' while mania does, which I don't really buy. I think one might just sink the ship a little faster and maybe the flares seem like fireworks, but both will get you- otherwise they are not disorders. You are just a weirdo.

...

right, right.

The differences between 'true' hypomania or 'true' mania [talking the middle of the road for each, here] are distinct, but really hard to get a handle on. And they go beyond psychosis. You could have two twins [let's pretend for a moment that all twins are EXACTLY alike even though we know that they are not], neither of them presently hospitalized or experiencing psychosis or endangering themselves with one hypomanic and the other manic. Spend a day with each, going through the same schedule even. There can be very distinct differences in thought processes, speech patterns, bodily movements, blah blah blah... which should really be addressed. Not everything is the same for everyone though and it's probably a combination or pattern of these symptoms that make the difference.

I almost think it would make sense to have profile sort of sub-types, much like schizophrenia subtypes as opposed to the clinical criteria now.

Technically,"psychosis" may be easy to distinguish and with obvious presentations it is- if people you have known your whole life are suddenly talking in an alien language that is cutting up your ears it's pretty likely you are psychotic. But ultimately nutjob thinking can take a variety of forms.

...

And [though you may not think so] in a hypomanic phase, most people at some point in their life will experience some type of unrealistic thinking that probably borders on delusional. Though a lot of times they may end up calling it severe anxiety or mild paranoia or just being silly or imaginative or overly creative.

Because it isn't quite there and hey, it's only hypomania, right?

Still, it's probably a little bit out there. It's bad to kid yourself . It may even be a lot out there. [Original Posty- <{POST_SNAPBACK}>]

And I really really need to update/fix/edit/add to the original post at the top of this thread. I think it's one of the posts that I worked on really really late.

It will be done! yes! ...really!

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I'm sure you're right. I put it down to the understandable confusion of a mixed episode.

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"Other psychotic symptoms can include disorganized speech and thought. An observer of this will likely not be able to understand or make any connection between one topic and the next."

This 'symptom' perfectly describes the frustrations I had while trying to communicate during the final stages of the last (and 2nd) manic episode I had...as the person experiencing the mania...my thoughts seemed in no way to be disorganized...In fact, quite the opposite. I experienced it as an extremely organized thought process that was simply so rapid that I was unable to speak as fast as my brain was working. By the time I was able to utter the next sentance...tens of connections had been made in my mind that the listeners werent aware of. Of course they couldn't understand to make the connections.

I understand that our speech is disorganized to the observer, but who is anybody to say our thoughts are disorganized? They don't know what's occuring in my mind. I also don't see how this particular 'symptom' of mania is considered psychotic.

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Well since you are reviving this.

A pyschiatrist or any competent observer can say that your thought is disordered. Speech=Thought Granted if someone doesn't speak it's harder to figure out what is going on. But one is NOT going to hold lucid conversations while suffering disordered thoughts from psychosis.

And I'll hazard the comment that though your impression was that your thoughts were orderly, they weren't. That is the "Lack of insight to illness" common to both bipolar and SZ/psychotic conditions.

Cheers, a.m.

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Where do instrusive irrational thoughts fall? The type that you still know are irrational but that at least part of you believes strong enough to take action "just in case." I've been delusional during depression, so I know the difference. But I'm not sure what to make of this middle ground.

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There's also the ever popular "overvalued ideas." Not a delusion... not an actual obsession... but... think of anorexia nervosa.

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There's also the ever popular "overvalued ideas." Not a delusion... not an actual obsession... but... think of anorexia nervosa.

evil chuckle...

Honey, our daughter is starving herself to death.

It's okay dear, she just has overvalued ideas.

;)

Bowing away before I get slapped. I have been unabashedly offensive, disrespectful, and abused a popular term out of context. I just couldn't resist.

*anorexia nervosa is a real big deal. Don't confuse that with silly words of this post.

Edited by Stacia

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There's also the ever popular "overvalued ideas." Not a delusion... not an actual obsession... but... think of anorexia nervosa.

evil chuckle...

Honey, our daughter is starving herself to death.

It's okay dear, she just has overvalued ideas.

;)

Bowing away before I get slapped. I have been unabashedly offensive, disrespectful, and abused a popular term out of context. I just couldn't resist.

*anorexia nervosa is a real big deal. Don't confuse that with silly words of this post.

jebus there is something wrong with me. i just laughed so hard at this i think i woke up my kid.

i'm using that phrase to describe everything now.

i'm not depressed, i just overvalue the idea of staying in bed.

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"Other psychotic symptoms can include disorganized speech and thought. An observer of this will likely not be able to understand or make any connection between one topic and the next."

This 'symptom' perfectly describes the frustrations I had while trying to communicate during the final stages of the last (and 2nd) manic episode I had...as the person experiencing the mania...my thoughts seemed in no way to be disorganized...In fact, quite the opposite. I experienced it as an extremely organized thought process that was simply so rapid that I was unable to speak as fast as my brain was working. By the time I was able to utter the next sentance...tens of connections had been made in my mind that the listeners werent aware of. Of course they couldn't understand to make the connections.

I understand that our speech is disorganized to the observer, but who is anybody to say our thoughts are disorganized? They don't know what's occuring in my mind. I also don't see how this particular 'symptom' of mania is considered psychotic.

I don't think that anyone, who has not had a manic episode, can ever appreciate how boring a conversation can be while waiting for others to catch up. ;) It applies to more than conversations. One example is that I am a fair chess player, but I have never been beat while having a manic episode - this only applies to the first few days, until my thoughts race so fast that even I can't keep up. I have tried to explain this to psychiatrists and psychologists, but they just smile and nod their heads, don't ya just hate that? :) I think they must take classes to do that, since they all do it; along with 'uuummm, hmmmm...'. What does that mean? If you make noises like that, then they want to change your meds :)

Well, I originally came to this thread to find the definite difference between Mania/Mixed and Hypomania. From the DSM, I thought for a long time that BP II had no manic/mixed episodes, but after reading a lot of posts here, I am confused. And who is to say what is delusional/hallucination and what is not. I saw a UFO once, and I know I was not hallucinating becase everyone else there saw it too! But in the MMPI, if you answer yes to that question, it raises all kinds of red flags!

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Just for the record of this old a** thread...my hypomania causes me to stay up at all hours of the night to the point where I eventually exhaust myself from staying up for days on end. I'm not sure if this is hypomania, but I'm pretty sure I don't get psychotic during these periods or do bizarre things like hang from chandeliers or run out into oncoming traffic...

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*Reply posted by NavySurya on: Jan 30th, 2005, 9:39pm*

I don't KNOW, and I will see if I can find some sort of good answer.

But here is a question, that might be important.

Do you think, all the time, that the cops are going to come and get you and that they are driving by to make you nervous and one of these times, eventually, it WILL be them, and they will come 'get you'?

Or do you just get really nervous, and 'paranoid' when you hear a car coming, and can't see it, because you got in trouble with the law? As in... do you plan on the cops being out to get you?

hmm...

My neighbor has night vision cameras, and records my entire back yard. She even told me she does so. Try that out during a parnoid fit. I did not give her consent to do so either. I had my dad come over and take bags of stuff to his house to throw away because I thought someone was going through my trash. My trashcan was emptied one night and moved to the garage door. I thought it was the law coming after me for something. I hid every firearm and anything I thought they'd be looking for cause i'm a crazy gun totting idiot. I figured it was big brother thinking i'm a militia member or something like that. The feelings have started to go away. I can go outside again and not be nervous that the crazy neighbor is recording me again. I did some very stupid "pranks" when I was extremely "self medicated" with lots of alcohol and ativan. I dont even remember the stuff but she told me how she saw me on my back porch and putting my firepit out. Then she saw the criminal walking their dog. Had deputies over several times, but they never came knocking so I dont know what is going on. My dad asked me like 5 times if i'm getting paranoid because of being put on GeoDon. Maybe that's all it was. Maybe it was the fact I know I think I did bad stuff. I dont know why I did it. But it was enough to make me go to a psychiatrist and get the help I needed. So what I always knew, but never asked about was true, i'm bi-polar (which psychotic tendencies).

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