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So tired of feeling dead inside

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Posted

I constantly feel nothing inside. Nothing gets me excited like it used to. When I try to do the things that used to give me pleasure or new things like my therapist suggested I still feel nothing, no pleasure at all. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I just feel numb. I don't feel like doing anything yet I hate being at home, yet when I go out with friends or anywhere I immediately feel like going home. My life is a big fucking catch 22. None of my meds are doing shit. I hate feeling this way.

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I can relate. I'm in a catch 22 also. I have narcolepsy, but I have an aneursym so the stimulants to wake me up are off limits. Provigil (alternate type stim) makes me jittery and sick to my stomach, so I can't take that either. Xyrem makes me get the good, deep sleep we PWN don't ever get, but it makes me crazy. Yes, crazy. I feel cut off from myself and I cry when I'm on it, so now I can't take that either. I am sentenced to a life of sleeping or a life of being depressed (on Xyrem). Neither choice leaves me with anything near a "normal" life and I'm fed up.

I also feel guilty because I should be out shopping, putting up a tree, blah blah blah. I generally like the holidays and it's my first Christmas with my guy. We're getting married in April and I feel so shitty I'm not even excited about that anymore. Something has to give soon. I'm getting scared that nothing is going to make me feel "right" again. Even the docs don't know quite what to do with me and that scares me even more.

At least we are not alone even if we feel like it. I keep reading the boards and try to convince myself it will get better. Hang in there. We have to keep trying.

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Posted

me too. totally. i understand and i want you to know you're not the only one. seems to be a lot of it going around. mel-take care. do something nice for yourself.

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Posted

I hope this will pass soon. It's an awful feeling to wake and live feeling nothing.

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Posted

I can for sure relate.

In hindsight to my own numbness....

Maybe you can remind yourself that NO feeling last forever. For that matter NOTHING lasts forever. This is a temporary emotional state that you are going through and it will pass.

It just feels like it will go on forever when you are in the middle of it.

Hang in there. Keep posting. And remember all is temporary.

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Posted

I constantly feel nothing inside. Nothing gets me excited like it used to. When I try to do the things that used to give me pleasure or new things like my therapist suggested I still feel nothing, no pleasure at all. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I just feel numb. I don't feel like doing anything yet I hate being at home, yet when I go out with friends or anywhere I immediately feel like going home. My life is a big fucking catch 22. None of my meds are doing shit. I hate feeling this way.

Man what a coincidence!!! I just entered the depression forum to write just about the same thing when the first topic I read is exactly what is happening to me now!!

I've been feeling this numbness for almost a month and it doesn't goes away. Four days ago my doc prescribed me Adderall for my ADD and the first day I tryed it I felt energized, alive and ready to do stuff. I thought that maybe that med could be the cure for all of my problems, but I was wrong. Too bad, the effect just lasted for that day. The next day I returned to my numb self. I guess that day of happiness was just my brain adapting itself to the new med.

I hate this state, recently, just listening to music and watching movies were the only things that seemed to interest me, however, today I turned my computer on and played a few of my favorite songs when I realized that I no longer felt interested in listening music. I went through more than one hundred of my favorite songs only to realize that I just felt like if I was hearing background sounds. So now movies is the only thing that more of less interest me and I'm fearing that one day movies will be gone too.

Please if you could give me some advice to overcome this situation it would be inmensely appreciated. I'm tired of not feeling anything, tired to be in this dead-but-alive-always-bored-zombie-like state. I want to feel motivated again, to do things, to go out and enjoy life. I guess, for now, the only thing I could do is to hope it goes away and wait for my appointment with my doctor and discuss this problem.

Thank you for reading this.

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Posted

I constantly feel nothing inside. Nothing gets me excited like it used to. When I try to do the things that used to give me pleasure or new things like my therapist suggested I still feel nothing, no pleasure at all. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I just feel numb. I don't feel like doing anything yet I hate being at home, yet when I go out with friends or anywhere I immediately feel like going home. My life is a big fucking catch 22. None of my meds are doing shit. I hate feeling this way.

Man what a coincidence!!! I just entered the depression forum to write just about the same thing when the first topic I read is exactly what is happening to me now!!

I've been feeling this numbness for almost a month and it doesn't goes away. Four days ago my doc prescribed me Adderall for my ADD and the first day I tryed it I felt energized, alive and ready to do stuff. I thought that maybe that med could be the cure for all of my problems, but I was wrong. Too bad, the effect just lasted for that day. The next day I returned to my numb self. I guess that day of happiness was just my brain adapting itself to the new med.

I hate this state, recently, just listening to music and watching movies were the only things that seemed to interest me, however, today I turned my computer on and played a few of my favorite songs when I realized that I no longer felt interested in listening music. I went through more than one hundred of my favorite songs only to realize that I just felt like if I was hearing background sounds. So now movies is the only thing that more of less interest me and I'm fearing that one day movies will be gone too.

Please if you could give me some advice to overcome this situation it would be inmensely appreciated. I'm tired of not feeling anything, tired to be in this dead-but-alive-always-bored-zombie-like state. I want to feel motivated again, to do things, to go out and enjoy life. I guess, for now, the only thing I could do is to hope it goes away and wait for my appointment with my doctor and discuss this problem.

Thank you for reading this.

Bless u! Reading this I know you give words to how I feel. It helps sort of like seeing a light in the distance that convinces me the darkness is not all there is.

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Posted

I know that empty feeling... I just don't know if it's because of my meds or my chemistry.

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Posted

I constantly feel nothing inside. Nothing gets me excited like it used to. When I try to do the things that used to give me pleasure or new things like my therapist suggested I still feel nothing, no pleasure at all. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I just feel numb. I don't feel like doing anything yet I hate being at home, yet when I go out with friends or anywhere I immediately feel like going home. My life is a big fucking catch 22. None of my meds are doing shit. I hate feeling this way.

Man what a coincidence!!! I just entered the depression forum to write just about the same thing when the first topic I read is exactly what is happening to me now!!

I've been feeling this numbness for almost a month and it doesn't goes away. Four days ago my doc prescribed me Adderall for my ADD and the first day I tryed it I felt energized, alive and ready to do stuff. I thought that maybe that med could be the cure for all of my problems, but I was wrong. Too bad, the effect just lasted for that day. The next day I returned to my numb self. I guess that day of happiness was just my brain adapting itself to the new med.

I hate this state, recently, just listening to music and watching movies were the only things that seemed to interest me, however, today I turned my computer on and played a few of my favorite songs when I realized that I no longer felt interested in listening music. I went through more than one hundred of my favorite songs only to realize that I just felt like if I was hearing background sounds. So now movies is the only thing that more of less interest me and I'm fearing that one day movies will be gone too.

Please if you could give me some advice to overcome this situation it would be inmensely appreciated. I'm tired of not feeling anything, tired to be in this dead-but-alive-always-bored-zombie-like state. I want to feel motivated again, to do things, to go out and enjoy life. I guess, for now, the only thing I could do is to hope it goes away and wait for my appointment with my doctor and discuss this problem.

Thank you for reading this.

I feel the EXACT same way !!! I try listening to music and 80% of the time I zone out and the words are playing and I'm not even focused on it nor care

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Posted

The clinical term for this is Anhedonia....

...It sounds like the name of a really depressing country.

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...It sounds like the name of a really depressing country.
It IS a depressing country. I have dual citizenship.

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Join the club. I think it is called the club Depression. I feel the same, no ambition or drive to really get out and do anything productive. I eat, sleep, watch TV and computer. That is it. Other than the occasional time I get with my grandchildren.

I have thought about just starting to read the bible, because I have always been a Christian, and I have been told more times than necessary what a "sin" it is to commit suicide. I do believe in God, that he is a loving God and cannot believe there is a reason why I or anyone else has to suffer endlessly for no reason. I feel like I am being punished and of course everyone that is alive for 50 plus years has done things that in the Bible are considered sinful. I just do not believe that is the reason I am being punished, because I know bad people that do not seem to have a conscious and seem to be happy go lucky, or are rich compared to me and have everything that I don't.

I am searching for answers, because like you, medicines do not work on my depression. They do ease it just enough to keep me from actually trying to take my own life once a week. I told my therapist last week that the only reason I want to be here is to see my grandchildren and watch them grow up, and of course be here for my sons. Nothing else brings me any joy.

So I just wanted to let you know that I totally empathize with you and feel your pain. I am not sure how much longer I can go on living with an abusive person on top of everything else!

Sorry if this is hurting and not helping, I just felt compelled to reply.

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Posted

I felt this way from age 4 until age 20. I was told about the death of a close family member in a disturbing way when I was 4 I didn't cry. I just went for a bowl of cereal. I never cried at the appropriate time ever again. Life was pretty depressing all by itself by then. I have had a lot of bad experiences and horrible parenting to thank for that. But I just want you to know that I am 23 now and on the road to feeling deeply again. Now a sad movie clip makes me sobb. That is encouraging to me. I know that this is not easily attainable but what did it for me was meeting someone who accepted me and really loved me enough to listen to me babble on for hours about how miserable I was until one day I felt like I was done. Just feeling truley accepted and loved was all that I needed. So if this sounds like what you need I would try to be an optimist about love because it really helped me heal.

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Hi guys. The solution of your problem is a certain mind control technique. I discovered it recently. Negative feelings are result of long term negative thoughts (negative feelings are NEVER result of negative outward factors). To start thinkink positive, one must reset his brain every time he detects that his mind had run into a negative thought pattern. After several resets (might be up to 100) the mind automatically chooses more positive thought cycles. Reset: do not think about anything (neither about not thinking about anything) for several seconds (world record is 11 seconds). Be prepared to abandon your "genial" unnecessary thoughts after mind reset behind. Good luck.

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Posted

same boat for years! nothing that formerly interested me does any longer. truly feel that i have lived long enough but suicidal ideation has not been the focus of all my thoughts for quite some time. have no medical help.

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Posted

God I hate the deadness.

It didn't used to be this way. Not all the time, but it's been years now.

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Posted

Oh God, I know exactly how this feels. The sense of internal deadness is one that I know all too well. It's unbearable to feel that way every day.

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I constantly feel nothing inside. Nothing gets me excited like it used to. When I try to do the things that used to give me pleasure or new things like my therapist suggested I still feel nothing, no pleasure at all. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I just feel numb. I don't feel like doing anything yet I hate being at home, yet when I go out with friends or anywhere I immediately feel like going home. My life is a big fucking catch 22. None of my meds are doing shit. I hate feeling this way.

Hi, I'm new here. I just googled "feeling dead inside" and this site came up. I can identify with what you all have said here. I have struggled with an almost complete lack of ability to feel since I was twenty but probably, to a lesser degree, a lot longer. I lost my mom when I was seven and over the next several years retreated from my emotions just to survive. It became so automatic that I was not even conscious of the process. I used drugs for years just to try to feel something. I tried therapy but was never able to trust another person enough to really open up. Every now and then something would shake me to the core and I would wake up and feel again but soon go back to dead inside.

On my own, about five years ago, I began making a conscious effort to feel again. I looked for the little seeds of feeling that I would immediately cut off and tried to just let them be, not judge them as good or bad but just observe and allow them to be. Slowly I began feeling again but it took work. It added another dimension to my flat, dull, two dimensional existence. I became interested in life again. Then I met a guy (I am female despite my screen name) and he also helped me begin feeling very deeply. He was very open and loving and not only let me be myself but encouraged me to open up and feel. Things were pretty good until the whole thing went south when he relapsed on drugs. I hung on way too long to that relationship and ended up retreating back into shutting down and sleep-walking through life.

I am now beginning again learning how to feel. The poster, Lucas, who talked about relearning or rebooting the brain was partly on the right track but I think it is “mind control” which got us into this situation. We really are a bundle of conditioning and I think we can re-teach ourselves by simply observing what we do to ourselves with negative self-talk. I am not suggesting replacing that with positive or "happy talk" that we really don’t believe but just seeing the falseness of the negative model we have developed over our lifetimes either by believing what others told us or by our own misinterpretation of reality. For example, if I think people must like me in order for me to be happy then when someone expresses dislike I am hurt. Now I avoid that person or people in general to avoid being hurt…or I shut down emotionally so as not to feel rejection. My misconception is that you have to like me for me to be happy. The truth is that I am the only one that has to like me. If I put my happiness in your hands, I’m screwed because even if you like me today, I have to keep you liking me so I become afraid to lose your approval. I have to see the truth of this because just telling myself this doesn’t work.

If I can see when I start to feel pain, the anatomy of the train of thought that leads me to start to feel hurt and shut my feelings down. If I can really see the process, it doesn’t have to leave a mark. This frees me up to allow myself to feel joy because when I shut down pain I also shut off my ability to feel happy (it’s a package deal).

I am not claiming to have any answers but writing often helps me clarify in my own mind what I need to do so thanks for letting me post here and I hope this makes sense.

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I've been numb for the past two years. It's a terrible feeling...well, not even a feeling - I don't genuinely 'feel' that much anymore. But it actually gives me some peace, reading these posts, and know that there are so many other people going through the same thing as me. I am really feeling supporting by this community and feel a connection. This forum is good for so many of us.

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I feel the same way. I wish i did have somebody I could trust and just talk to for hours about how miserable I am so i could figure it out. But my therapist pretty much just preaches at me and my girlfriend likes it better when i pretend everything is fine when it's not - which is what i think she's doing all the time. More than anything if i do feel something it's confusion. I'm searching and searching for some solution but I can never really get myself to do anything and no solution ever feels truly satisfying - except when people say that everything is temporary. I feel like it will have to pass on its own eventually so if i just stick around long enough I'll stop the sleepwalking and finally wake up. I'm a mess.

It feels nice knowing there are others out there experiencing the same pain. Thanks for letting me share and sharing

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Unfortunately, anhedonia really doesn't respond well to being figured out...The only way to get over it without taking medication is to make yourself go out and do things, sort of prime the chemical pump...for a while, like weeks, just flog your carcass and make yourself go out and pretend to be happy, go around happy people and act like them, do what they do, adopt their behavior...oh, and eat a really good diet, exercise at least five days a week, drink plenty of water, sleep no more or less than eight hours whether you want to or not...

If you are having a major depressive episode-doing the above is incredibly hard without medication to lift your mood.

You still have to do the above. But with pharmaceutical assistance, it's less like climbing Everest and more like hiking up an Appalachian mountain.

Hard, but not impossible.

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Join the club. I think it is called the club Depression. I feel the same, no ambition or drive to really get out and do anything productive. I eat, sleep, watch TV and computer. That is it. Other than the occasional time I get with my grandchildren.

I have thought about just starting to read the bible, because I have always been a Christian, and I have been told more times than necessary what a "sin" it is to commit suicide. I do believe in God, that he is a loving God and cannot believe there is a reason why I or anyone else has to suffer endlessly for no reason. I feel like I am being punished and of course everyone that is alive for 50 plus years has done things that in the Bible are considered sinful. I just do not believe that is the reason I am being punished, because I know bad people that do not seem to have a conscious and seem to be happy go lucky, or are rich compared to me and have everything that I don't.

I am searching for answers, because like you, medicines do not work on my depression. They do ease it just enough to keep me from actually trying to take my own life once a week. I told my therapist last week that the only reason I want to be here is to see my grandchildren and watch them grow up, and of course be here for my sons. Nothing else brings me any joy.

So I just wanted to let you know that I totally empathize with you and feel your pain. I am not sure how much longer I can go on living with an abusive person on top of everything else!

Sorry if this is hurting and not helping, I just felt compelled to reply.

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I too am a grandparent and I have suffered from depression since age 11. I am also an alcoholic/addict. It seems to me that nothing will ever work, therapy, meds, alcohol. It all fails after a while. I wish I was younger again so that I would at least have hope that things would get better. The older I get, the less hope I have. My behavior is a reflection of what I feel inside, I am reckless, impulsive, then feel guilty, it sucks. I don't even know if I will ever feel close to God again, just like everything else, I feel nothing.

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Posted (edited)

Hi guys. The solution of your problem is a certain mind control technique. I discovered it recently. Negative feelings are result of long term negative thoughts (negative feelings are NEVER result of negative outward factors). To start thinkink positive, one must reset his brain every time he detects that his mind had run into a negative thought pattern. After several resets (might be up to 100) the mind automatically chooses more positive thought cycles. Reset: do not think about anything (neither about not thinking about anything) for several seconds (world record is 11 seconds). Be prepared to abandon your "genial" unnecessary thoughts after mind reset behind. Good luck.

I've been trying to do this on medication, as Sticker suggested, but it's so incredibly hard... (I'm still in the SSRIs). Every time someone hurts me deeply (mostly in relationship break-ups or 'cutting me off'), I have a much harder, slower time recovering... to the point where I call my mom at work (I'm 21) just to cry. I really can't help it. I feel enormous guilt over feeling bad and bothering others in this way.

I've forced myself to go out and the only way I can sustain any kind of even mood is by completely ignoring negative feelings and desensitizing myself to "bad" events. Then, I start to feel like I'm not even human--I have to feel and experience the bad emotions. I feel like I'm being untrue to myself if I can't. I am afraid of never being able to love again if I desensitize myself to the pain it's caused me. Some of you have said that CBT helps--I'm in counseling right now, but it's just so so. Meds seem to work for a while and then I have enormous drops, where I'm thinking I can't stand to live again. I'm graduating from college next year and feel like this is my "last shot" to fall in love or be happy. Sure, it's irrational, but attempts to simply be positive just don't cut it sometimes.

It's like I have an overpowering urge to dwell on things that cause me pain and hopelessness, even though I'm on meds. Celexa 20mg/6 weeks so far.

A lot of you seem to have some persistent depression even after you've found meds that you can stay on. My mom says there comes a time when you just need to 'decide' to feel better. I also blame myself for staying down. But trying to change those patterns is like trying to move a mountain. I guess we're all in the same boat.about the anhedonia: it's probably the most discouraging thing about depression--the prospect that you don't enjoy anything and doubt that you ever will again. Why live if you can never contribute anything worthwhile and will never feel that happiness from anything that other people experience? Sometimes I feel like these boards are a trigger, just like reading sexton and plath, even though they all help me relate. Do SNRIs and tricyclics hit anhedonia better than SSRIs? Possibly due to the dopamine?

Edited by anouk

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Posted (edited)

My mom says there comes a time when you just need to 'decide' to feel better. I also blame myself for staying down. But trying to change those patterns is like trying to move a mountain.

I totally disagree with your mom. No wonder you blame yourself. And yes, it is like moving a mountain or shoveling a pile of black sludge. You are so young and already only one last shot at happiness?

It does not sound like your meds are working, obviously. It can take years for someone to find the right combo and maybe you have a very tricky chemistry.

Therapy is essential. The issue may not be with CBT but with the therapist. I don't know.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Don't read the boards if they are triggering. Find the 'safe' forums for now.

Edited by water

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