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do you care whether you live or die?

104 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

;):) this my be a trigger for some :)^_^

I know there are others out there........

but I just really don't care

I really and truly hope I die WAY before it gets to the point of someone having to take care of me

I had to do that with my father in law

and kind of all my life with my mom

(only cause she tried to kill herself

by putting a gun to her head & ended up partially paralyzed)

Even tho my meds are working pretty good

I still have the voice in my head saying "Just do it & get it over with"

but I have tried too many times & it hasn't worked

so I have given up (for now)

hmmm.......

maybe my meds do need to be tweaked

How do you feel about it?

Edited by wakko926

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Posted

Nowadays there is an overwhelming feeling of not caring whether I live or die. The idea of dealing with this bullshit for the rest of my life is so tiring, such a massive undertaking that I can't help it. I don't have suicide in mind, but I find myself thinking that I wouldn't mind if I got into a big accident or something or was attacked.

I live because the alternative is unknown and scarier than living, although living sucks. What if there is nothing after and the world just keeps going without me? What if people in my life are secretly relieved that they don't have to deal with me? What if there IS hell, or some form of bad place - I have decent intentions, but the past 31 years have probably made me a main candidate. What if Karma bites me in the ass and I come back as a dung beetle or something?

I also live for my nephews. They are way too young to understand and I don't want to set an example of giving up to them. I want to see them become people.

I live for the possibility of some good times thrown in with the bad. Even laughing every once in awhile makes life worth living for me. Every second I am not feeling completely horrible is something that keeps me going. And the possibility of more good seconds is comforting.

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Posted

When depressed, it's usually impossible to think clearly. Things you cognitively know (suicide is bad) go out the window, and are replaced with "crazy" thoughts like "suicide is good!" So, *while you are rational* try to remember just one or two depression signs. The benchmark depression sign I personally use is "do I want to kill myself?" If the answer is "yes," then I automatically know, regardless of my emotional state, that I am very, very, very depressed. When you start thinking about, planning or acting on suicide, you're at the lowest level of depression hell, even if you might tell yourself thinks appear normal. You can safely say your meds aren't working right at this point, because the very reason for your being on meds is to keep yourself from going off of that end. If you are on meds and still nearing some kind of "end," complain to your pdoc that something is wrong. Let *him*/*her* deal with it. You have enough going on upstairs to try to figure out what's wrong if you're planning to off yerself.

I sometimes put it this way, so people understand it: if you are going to die, why not just live? It would actually be a lot easier than dying, especially on those around you.

Here is another depression sign I use: if I don't seem to care if someone close to me kills *themselves.* It is kind of an emotional functionality test. If I can't feel or don't care if, say, my mom, girlfriend or child is going to die, then something is wrong with me, whether I want to believe that or not.

Hope it helps!

Alex K

...with lots of depression experience, more every day it seems...

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Posted

superg,

have there been some days that your emotional state was doing well in the recent past? even within a few weeks? it is grand that you have medical care backing you up.

i am probably closer to the point of being unable to care for myself than you are. closer in years that is. the thought of that is repugnant to the vast majority of us. moon bats not withstanding. used to keep a "kevorkian kit" around but then found that the contents were most likely not up to the task.

the older i get, now that my head is not busted anylonger, the more i love life to smithereens. here's wishing that the dark cloud blows away from your area for a good long while.

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Posted

i can totally relate.

most of the time i truly do not care if i live or die.

i just kind of exist.

it's pure hell since at this point i don't have the "guts" to end my own misery.

tried in the past to no avail.

now it's like i'm just sitting here desperately hoping that the pain will somehow go away.

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Posted (edited)

My self-esteem is pretty low as it is, but I occasionally I go through phases of depression where any remnants of self-esteem I might have had seem to disappear through cracks in the floor. It's times like those when I feel like the worst thing imaginable is to become a burden to anyone, especially to anyone in my family. I feel like I'd be doing them a favor by killing myself, but I'm prevented from doing so by the fact that my death would be another burden. So, I feel like I'm not worth bothering about alive or dead.

It's possible that I might be bi-polar but I've never been diagnosed. My father was diagnosed about ten years ago with BP, and he describes his mother (whom I'm never met) as completely insane, but I don't think she was ever diagnosed. Back then many mental illness, especially in women, were more or less dismissed as "hysteria."

Basically, the crazy gene runs rampant through my dad's side of the family.

Edited by Gwen

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Posted

The benchmark depression sign I personally use is "do I want to kill myself?" If the answer is "yes," then I automatically know, regardless of my emotional state, that I am very, very, very depressed. When you start thinking about, planning or acting on suicide, you're at the lowest level of depression hell, even if you might tell yourself thinks appear normal.

Agree!

It's like addiction that way...sneaks up on you and you are the last one to have a clue!

I just emerged from an abyssmal, 6 mos. episode of my MDD. It was worse, of course, than the last as is usually the case.

In any event, Wakko!, I can relate totally. For me, I have to be vigilant about my moods, meds, all that shit and learn to raise the flag way earlier than I have in my last 2 major depressive episodes that have landed me in the hospital. This time for 14 days.

Anyway, just chiming in, getting back in the Crazyboard world...

Love,

S9

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Posted

hi all

i do very well know the feeling of complete carelessness. Been like that since i was 16(i'm 23 now) but lately it's been better, i think because my pdoc found the right cocktail for me, and because i have vented so much in therapy. there's still a long way to go, and i still think of suicide as an alternative, but i have learned to analyse my options : if i live i can experience feeling better, i can do this and that, see these and those people, etc. and if i die i don't know what the hell is gonna happen, maybe it'll be an everlasting tequila+vodka hangover...

i wish i had a "message of hope" but sadly, all i can tell you is hang on, there is no other way. and hold on to your meds. trust your pdoc. and if he/she's fuckin with your brain, find another one.

peace

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Posted

Right now, I don't care. I am going to college in the fall, and I want to be alive for that. But from now until August, I don't care. I don't know how I'm going to make it until August. but until then... I simply don't care.

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Posted (edited)

I haven't been on the boards for a long time, but I need to be back again. I am going through a deep depression, so I know what you're going through. You know what I do to make it all feel better? I sleep. I sleep from 3am until 4pm. Unless I have some kind of appointment to go to. I am NOT on the right med cocktail. I'm bipolar, borderline, obsessive compulsive, and have anxiety. Right now I'm on a low with my bipolar. I've been on a low for years and have tried to tell my pdoc this. But my mental health clinic keeps changing doctors and losing them. I just lost the one I've seen like twice now. I am so pissed off about this too. I need off my Geodon and put on something like Zoloft. I see the physician's assistant on the 17th of June. I don't know if they can change my meds, but someone has to do something before I fade completely away. I know sleeping 'round the clock isn't the answer, but it's better than committing suicide, which I do think about. I always pray that my many meds that I take will somehow react badly and kill me accidentally in my sleep. But I'm still here. I guess there's a reason I'm still here. So someone please help me! I can't bare this anymore!

Edited by scarlet_faery

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Posted

I don't know if it makes me feel better that other ppl

feel this way or not.

I suppose most of all it just makes me sad.

Unfortunately for me, I don't see my pdoc again

until July 11

I wish I could just sleep

But, no, I have to get up & go to work everyday

and be nice to fucking ppl all damn day

That is what I get sick of

Cause that's not the real me

oh well -

life goes on

with or without me

I just don't really care

I sincerely hope that others that feel this way

Do seek & get the help needed

hugs

wakko

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Posted

Yeah, you seek and get the help needed too dude. Everyone who has posted here feels the way you do and we're all mucking through this fucking life. Muck with us.

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Glad I came across this board..thought I was the only one that was sick of life. I live in a small town...got laid off from my job due to our wonderful economy...been out of work for several months now...for some reason im not eligble for collecting unemployment. Ive been to 2 different interviews. One at radioshack and one at officemax I have my certification in computer hardware (yet I still cant get a job). I have bills I have to pay and im living off a credit card pretty much that im sure is almost maxed out. Ive dropped out of college due to the fact apparently my degree I worked so hard for and takes no effect on getting a job along with my suspended drivers license for 2 tickets which im not eligble for a permit either (what am I eligble for). I get up early every morning because I cant sleep past 7 only to wake up with nothing to do all day bored out of my mind which drives me more insane..I have loss the will to even bother going to look for another job because I know its a waste of time. Everytime I get a positive attitude and try to go out and do stuff I get kicked in the face, so now all I do is sit around smoking marijuana or anything I can get my hands on...which is pathetic but its the only thing that keeps me calm and not worrying. I refuse to tell people about this problem due to the fact my family already has enough on there hands as it is with there on problems. I have not attempted suicide (yet lol) and dont really plan to but I am very depressed and very down all the time...nothing to look forward to ever...and if there is..it always gets ruined so I dont try anymore.

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Posted

Wakko926, I know exactly how you feel. Half the time I just don't care, and I completely know what you mean about feeling like you don't want to deal with this for the rest of your life, and that you should just get it over with. When this happens, I try to remind myself of reasons to keep fighting. I try to think of better times, and remind myself that this will pass eventually. My tdoc had me write up a list of things worth living for, and has me read it whenever I get like this. Just a thought.

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Posted

Do I care? Sort of. Working on that one.

~ May

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Posted

It depends on what day it is. If I'm cycling and it's a down day, I don't really care. Otherwise, I'm on the fence.

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Posted

Although I enjoy life mostly, if I died tomorrow (not by suicide) I think I'd just feel relieved.

I'm kinda tired, honestly.

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Posted

If anyone here is thinking of suicide just ask yourself is it the pain or your life that you want to take away.

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Posted

i envy the dead

when people die and others say how sad it is i always think how lucky they are

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I'm scared of death and dying. Can't stand the thought of not existing, not being able to think. When I feel suicidal the thought of not existing is often the only thing holding me back. At times I WANT to die, but...if only death wasn't so terrifying to me. So yes, I do care, but I kind of wish I didn't. It would make things easier.

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I haven't cared for months now. I prefer it though... apathy is seemingly better than depression...actually it's pretty parallel.

I used to worry about my diabetes and my blood pressure... cholesterol. I think it all became too much and I just decided not to care anymore.

What is the difference between living and dying anyway? Just that in death you're flatlined, but nothing horrible is going to drag you down.

I'm writing from the road. Sorry you're feeling this way.

Much love.

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I care very much that I am alive and would like to continue living for as long as possible. Life is very, very difficult for me but it is also very exhilarating. I have strong feelings about life. I have moments of joy. I have and give love. I get intense satisfaction from small things...being wrapped in a fleece blanket or feeling the sun on my face. So far the sum of pain in my life is not greater than the sum of happiness. truly terrible things have happened to me that have left me baffled (why would anyone rape a small child, how/why do these things happen?) but for the most part...life is an experience I care about. We get such a small time of existence...to think and feel and grow and learn...even if I live to 100 that is an eye blink compared to how long I'll be dead and compared to how long before I was born. So no disregard for this temporary gift of life I have; no rush to the grave or intentional meeting with death for me. Like everyone else I have an appointment with the old boy that will come due, by and by.

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I'm in the same boat as you. I wish suicide was easy. I wish I was capable of it but I've tried and failed so many times that I've given up on it for now. I'll probably try again when I'm feeling worse than this. I suppose I sort of care whether I live or die. I know I want to die soon. I know I don't wanna see my life pan out for much longer but I just don't feel optimistic about a successful suicide at the moment.

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I don't know how I feel about all of this. Everyone talks about suicide, but that has never fully crossed my mind as an option. I feel depressed. I feel as if the world is too much weight and that I cannot possibly stand for it another moment. But suicide has never... managed to be possible. The instinct for survival would kick in, and I could not knowingly approach my own death.

People also talk about a pdoc. I can only assume that means a doctor who specializes in "mental illness" and can prescribe medication. I went to a counselor person at a nearby mental health clinic often when I was in high school, but they could never see that I was in pain. This world can put down so much physical pain on one body... They could never manage to catch me on one of those days that I could not force myself out of bed in the morning. They never were there, so I do not see how anyone with a degree could possibly help me.

I'm in college now. I'm trying to force myself along in life, because my best friend lost her mom to a bitch on cocaine, and leans on me. My boyfriend was abused as a child, and went through severe trauma when he blew himself up with a bonfire and gasoline. He manages to evade most doctors and appear a normal person, though he relies on me to keep him stable. My family tells me that I should pull myself away from depressing people so that I can be a happier person, but I could never be happy if I walked away from those who have opened up to me and need me. I could never be happy knowing that my leaving would be the reason that someone died.

Some days I can't manage to go to class because I feel that I am not up to par with those around me, that they are better artists, writers, environmentalists, politicians than I could ever be. I feel my inability to meet expectations makes me unworthy of this higher education, unworthy to be around those I care about and look up to.

I originally meant to write this to say that "Everything happens for a reason" and that's what keeps me going, and I guess it is. It is the only little piece of belief that I can manage and keeps me from suicide, and doing anything to interrupt my own nature. Not to say that you have no will, but that your will was given to you for a reason, the people in your life are there for a reason. Someone dies so that someone else is moved by the murder, accident, illness and acts on it, making the world better. Someone lives so that their great-grandchildren can end a war, or start one so that someone else can end it and keep the world turning. I don't know if this can help anyone, but it helps me...

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Posted

I'm with Karuna, although my chronic sinusitis has turned into a 900-pound gorilla...Maybe if I beat it, I'll feel better about things...

But, having lived what is likely to be half of my life, I can say that Life is a lot of work, disappointment and pain, and the joys of it just don't seem to counteract that weight.

I have miles to go before I sleep, and life is not always horrible...but...

What I really fear these days is being destitute and living under a bridge, being ill and nevertheless having to push myself to the point of collapse on a daily basis, walking as much as the homeless have to to get anywhere while I feel like a knife is stabbing me in the arches of my feet at every step, being barely able to breathe, with no access to asthma meds, and being out of my mind from anoxia for weeks on end, drowning slowly in my own mucus while my lungs get worse and worse, having to avoid walking down the street because random people might attack me (that happens to the visually-apparent derelicts in this town, and nobody seems to care, teenagers do it for fun).

That's a whole lot worse than, say, a quick jump under a speeding bus.

So I guess you might say I care more about how I live and how I die than being dead. Take away what comforts and satisfactions I do have, take away any remaining sense of agency I have left, and why should I be here?

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