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Reasons Not to Cut

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Posted (edited) · Report post

I'm having a hard time thinking of reasons why I shouldn't cut.

I've been sort of mildly-moderately urging for the past week or so. It's not like I have any really strong upset, just low level triggeriness, depression, anxiety, the usual.

I sort of feel like I'm walking on a tightrope and if I accidentally allow myself to have a slightly triggery thought, it'll just spiral. And I feel like cutting would distract my brain and give me some time where I didn't have to be constantly making the effort to blank out my brain and not allow the bad thoughts to come in.

Talked to pdoc about it, but she was pretty useless.

The only reason I can think of is that cutting = being bad, but that's the PTSD brain talking anyway, and I don't really like that reason.

So let's see what we can come up with.

I can think that I shouldn't cut because I might really hurt myself or wind up with scars I have to explain, but then I just tell myself that as long as I keep it shallow and superficial, I won't have a problem.

I don't know - help me think of reasons.

Edited by tryp

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Posted · Report post

Maybe this is a bad way of looking at it....

But how does cutting make your loved ones feel? Your girlfriend?

Can you not cut for her?

....honestly, I don't even consider myself a cutter anymore though I still have everything to do it, but I don't know. I don't cut anymore b/c I know I can outlast the urge, and I don't cut b/c it would hurt my boyfriend, my brother, my mother. They don't want me to cut.

I can't think of a reason that's just about ME. Would be interested to see what others have as reasons.

I just started....wait 5 minutes, until you cut. Then wait another. And then I started to be able to do. I started to acknowledge my feelings, more or less, and that lessened the need, or let me wait longer and longer.

So maybe....don't cut b/c your feelings are your own and cutting invalidates them, b/c you don't get to learn those feelings and respond to them in a fulsome way if you cut. Cutting might communicate to yourself how you feel about yourself, or about those feelings, but it doesn't really address the feelings, and you deserve to validate yourself and how you feel. In a sense, cutting invalidates you. And that's not fair, that we do that to ourselves. We're not invalid. Our feelings aren't invalid. As my mother always said, though I'm afraid I didn't always listen, feelings are always right. Because they're how you feel.

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Posted (edited) · Report post

We all cut for different reasons. Cutting fulfils different things for us; it fulfilled multiple functions for me.

But I was just thinking - I think a lot of time we cut because we are in a bad situation, or have been a bad situation. Abuse, for instance.

We experienced something that harmed us.

We don't know how to deal with it, so we turn to what we know; harm. Now we harm ourselves.

In many ways, perhaps cutting is simply a recreation of the abuse we experienced. Except now we are the abuser. Maybe this gives us more power, allows us to decide how and when to inflict the abuse.

I think a lot about breaking the cycle; my mother was s.a. by my grandfather. I don't know who did it to me. But I do know that the cycle of abuse stopped with my mother; she was never abusive. I was very lucky in that. My mother is a strong, strong woman.

We need to break our own cycles of abuse. Perhaps it's a matter of saying to yourself; the abusers are wrong, and that includes myself. I will not be abusive.

I would never dream of being abusive to another human, an animal. Why was it, and is it, okay to abuse myself?

....I say as someone who feels that binging has replaced cutting (while it existed beforehand). Now I harm myself through food. And I need to recognize that, step up, and stop. It is years of behaviour, and it won't be easy; I try so hard already. But maybe I need to realize that what I'm doing to myself is abusing myself, and why.

....not a fully formed thought, and not sure it's helpful or not.

Edited by jarn

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Posted · Report post

Well, the most obvious reason not to cut to me would be that there are now some really nasty drug-resistant bacteria that could infect your wounds...

I like jarn's idea of waiting 5 mins. before doing anything.

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Posted · Report post

I feel like shit at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more frequent and I generally feel like garbage. Watch Tryp nosedive again. I should be selling tickets.

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Posted · Report post

I feel like shit at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more frequent and I generally feel like garbage. Watch Tryp nosedive again. I should be selling tickets.

(((((hugs)))))

Honestly, you are one of the kindest, most welcoming, smartest, coolest people on here. You may not realize it but you're like one of those sunbeams that makes you smile. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

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Posted · Report post

My brain hurts. All I've eaten today is two spoonfuls of peanut butter and a cup of tea. And I REALLY want to hurt myself so that I'll feel less like crap.

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Posted · Report post

My brain hurts. All I've eaten today is two spoonfuls of peanut butter and a cup of tea. And I REALLY want to hurt myself so that I'll feel less like crap.

Mudpuppy will laugh at me b/c I'm always going on about how people should exercise their dogs, it's the best thing ever, but....

Is it a nice day where you are? Can you go for a walk in your neighbourhood? Walk down to the park? The river and watch the birds? Go for a little run if you run? Find a path and walk along it?

Focus on the sensations of being outside. The sun on your skin, the sounds of the city, of the river, of birds, whatever. What plants you see. The flowers. The trees. Maybe take your camera along and take different shots of stuff.

Just something to try to refocus your brain. I know it's hard and doesn't always work but I find sometimes if I can break the obsessiveness (easier said than done) than it really helps me get through that moment - and sometimes it's about winning those little battles.

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I went out for a little while to pick up my pants from the tailor's. I hate being outside when I'm like this. It's too hot and there are people everywhere.

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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I find these 3 lines to help in a wide variety of situations.

Rm

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Posted · Report post

If you would eat something, I bet the headache would go away. I always get headaches when I don't eat enough. They hurt. Not that this is going to solve the bigger issues, but headaches fucking suck, then maybe once that's taken care of, you'll be able to find something nice to do to make you feel better?

Where's your girlfriend? Can you have her come over and talk to you?

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Posted (edited) · Report post

Girlfriend's visiting the family, but she'll be back tomorrow night.

It seems like the very worst of it might have passed over - I'm not having incessant suicidal thoughts anymore. This sucks, though.

My mood was right down at like 1 or 2/10 for a couple hours there, but it seems to have gone back to about a three or four.

Edited by tryp

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Posted · Report post

Good that it seems to be going up. Hopefully it will continue in that pattern for you.

Sorry you don't feel good.

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I'm glad to hear your mood has picked up a little. Worried about you, Tryp.

I wish I had words of wisdom to impart. Alas, I am in the same boat as you, and I'm anxiously awaiting more responses. My pdoc is pretty useless too... he says "don't do it". Wow. Isn't that brilliant? <dripping with sarcasm>

I hope your mood continues to stay even, and hopefully goes up a notch or two.

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Posted (edited) · Report post

This sucks. I wish I had some friends here. Girlfriendo is away, and nobody else is speaking to me.

At the moment, I think the only reason I'm not cutting is because I'm stubborn and because girlfriendo wouldn't like it. I even think those are sucky reasons, but I can't think of any others.

Edited by tryp

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Posted · Report post

WHat ever reason you can think of not to injure your self is great.

I have had urges to do it, but I try to keep as busy as possible all the time. WHen I have an urge I take a walk, clean, go on CB, what ever I can do.

ANy reason not to do it is a good one.

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Posted · Report post

Oh, Tryp, I'm so sorry this has hit you.

Whatever the reasons are, any reasons that keep you safe are good enough. In fact, I think it's pretty cool that you're keeping yourself from SI for your girlfriend.

Is there anything that might comfort you and take you mind off things? A soak in the tub, an old movie, looking at lolcats?

And I'm not the first to say it, but you are a wonderful person. You may feel like shit right now and be unable to believe this, but you are very intelligent, you've got a good head on your shoulders, most adults aren't as levelheaded and mature as you are at 19, you are generous, you help a lot of people here, you are caring, you are supportive, and you are gracious.

The pain will end. (Just not soon enough.) Hang in there.

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Don't belittle your stubbornness, tryp. I'm two days away from three months (!) because I'm stubborn as a mule and won't give in. And not hurting yourself for someone else is a good place to start, especially when their caring for you starts to rub off and you think "I don't want to hurt myself" instead of "she doesn't want me to hurt myself".

I agree with lottacrazy--stay busy as much as you can. I like this best when combined with the previous suggestion of waiting for a period of time. I read, play tetris, watch a show on youtube, etc. for 15 minutes. If I can make that 15 minutes, I try for another 15...usually, I know I'm safe when I stop checking the time to see when I'm "allowed" to consider SI again and am absorbed in what I'm doing.

Take care, stay strong! You can do this, I've got faith.

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The more you stay away from SI, the easier it becomes. I'm sorry you're having such a shite time Tryp. You wouldn't know it from the boards and all the brilliant, loving advice you give everyone and the way you have helped me over the past few days when I was having my psychotic wig out.

I am an SIer too but havent SIed since September 2007. I really wanted to last Autumn and Winter. (Autumn and Winter are trigger times for me due to PTSD reasons). The only thing I could do was get through the day each day, day by day and remind myself of the bad effects:

I always need stitches - my hands, legs and arms are mangled with 17 years of SH - it looks completely obvious what I have done.

It upsets everyone around me and I can never keep it to a few scratches, it always ends up in a visit to an emergency room.

If your SI issues are triggered by someone being bad to you in the past, then why should you let that person win by being bad to yourself? You have FAR too much going for you to be dragged down by SI. Nothing positive ever comes of it. You feel better for about a day then you want to do it again and it grows and grows into an uncontrollable monster. It solves nothing.

You are far too precious for SI Tryp, just try and get through the day and wait for the med changes to kick in and see if they make a difference in your mood. I know how bloody awful it is to have that 'cut cut cut' thought in your head all the time.

blackbird x

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Hey Tryp,

I SI too and I have really mixed feelings about it - I can see how it's helpful as a short term coping mechanism, but in the long term I think it screws me over massively. I burnt myself repeatedly on the arm last week and while it helped a little at the time, while I was doing it, it's triggered a bunch of crappy stuff for me this week. There are the obvious things, like that I can't expose my arm in public because it's distressing for everyone else and I don't want to have to explain anything or deal with people putting their noses in it. Then there's the total guilt and the feeling that I did something weak and negative, like I'd taken a massive step backwards. My boyfriend freaked out when he saw what I'd done - he's used to seeing my small-scale injuries, like nicks and burns on my legs, but was totally shocked by my arm, so I feel like I've hurt him and my relationship, as well. Finally, whenever I look at my arm, I get a reminder of how low I felt when I did that and get to deal with a bunch of negative thoughts about it. I've been spending the past week obsessively rubbing in two different types of medical scar and burn creams hoping that the scars won't be too prominent.

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Is there any music you enjoy, that makes you feel calm and relaxed? Music, a deep bath, some lavender oil, and a good book. Cook yourself a delicious treat to eat; something comforting and tasty (not eating can destablise you, so it's therapeutic icecream!). Engage your senses with enjoyable things, and allow yourself to be gentle and caring with yourself, the way you care for people here.

I try to remind myself that I am precious, and that deliberately inflicting damage against something so important isnt a good choice. I know how tough it is - Im struggling with the urge for the first time in over a year, and it's a constant process. Take it minute by minute. hour by hour. day by day.

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Posted (edited) · Report post

You guys rock. Thanks.

I've been hurting myself without even thinking of it - yesterday I had scissors in my hand, and I was idly tapping them against my leg. And then before I knew it, I wasn't tapping, I was welting up my leg. But I haven't been deliberately cutting, which I suppose is something.

Everything is kind of intolerable right now, but I'm still not cutting.

Edited by tryp

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Posted · Report post

I don't know what to do with myself, really. I can feel myself slipping down into a really black depression. I'm so worried that the increased Celexa won't be enough or won't kick in fast enough. I don't know how I can wait weeks for it to help.

I'm supposed to be on a diet, but I might bake something anyway. Anything to pass the time.

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Tryp - here's a big brava for not cutting! You are so strong to stay safe like this even when you're feeling like shit.

As to the feeling like shit part - how soon does your pdoc think you might benefit from the increased Celexa? Is there anything else you could try?

I am just so sorry this is hitting you. Baking sounds like a great idea. Whatever will get you through it. Just remember that depression is finite, and every miserable hour is one hour closer to feeling better, even if you don't know exactly when that will be.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

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I put the banana bread in the oven. I guess I'd rather break my diet than hurt my body.

Pdoc didn't say about the Celexa. I want something else, but I'm so scared of coming off the Celexa and having to endure another 6-8 weeks like this before the new med kicks in.

Fuck, I hate this. I feel like it's all my fault. I should have done something else this summer - gone back to my job and my family in New York. Of course, if I had, I'd have gone totally nuts from the triggeriness. But I'm totally nuts ANYWAY!

Shit, it's been so long since I felt happy that I don't think I even remember what it felt like.

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