4 posts in this topic
So the story is really complicated but I don't know how to move on with my life after it.
To summarize, I got married 4.5 years ago and we moved here together. From the beginning he constantly threatened me with divorce which took its toll on my mood (I tried commiting suicide a few months after moving here). I never wanted to cheat but in addition to threats of divorce, he always called me oversexual and suggested I see a doctor (I wanted sex once a day... not unusual for a guy). Despite all of this I worked hard at a job I hated to support the both of us (he wouldn't work, he was a full time student and could have worked to help me, but he didn't want to do anything not related to his field of study).
Anyway, fast forward we got our green cards (from my work that I only stayed at for him). A few months later he started dating (we were trying an open relationship but dating was not supposed to be allowed). He also lost "part" of his virginity to the guy he was dating and who is now his current boyfriend. He went back home to visit for the summer and asked me for a divorce 7000 miles away. We agreed to try and work through it, but meanwhile he was having sex with lots of different guys and he got back here only to mislead me and get me to still pay for his expenses despite being in love with someone else. He claimed "I can't decide about our relationship if I don't have food" so of course I bought him food...
I'm bipolar and I have tried years and years of medications with no luck. Earlier this year I started smoking meth which I know is not good for you. I minimize the risks as much as possible of course and I can hold my own in an argument about whether it's actually as bad as the media portrays (for example, I know hypertension can cause LVH which is a serious risk factor for things like sudden cardiac death, not to mention aortic dissection and congestive heart failure... I want to be a vet lol).
So here's the thing, smoking meth helps prevent my suicidal thoughts, but I do want to give it up and start focusing on my future. I need help though. Logically I don't want to be married to him, he's a terrible person (you can't say deep down he's a good person, I left out something very big because it's too painful for now, but I can share if it helps you help me :-( ).
How can I move on from what he did? I just can't seem to do it. Logic is failing me which really sucks. What has cheered me up lately is accepting the fact that I think I'm done with relationships. I've had it, and I don't want it. You can say I'm jaded, I'm just in shock, or I'll change my mind one day, but it's the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling down. Recognizing that that part of my life is over. I do have a long road ahead of me, vet school (hopefully) but first I have to work about 2 years to save up for it. But despite a great plan, I can't get over it. It doesn't help that he's not cooperating at all with the divorce (which I now want of course). So now I'm filling out the papers and paying for my own divorce... that's really some twisted stuff right there. See? He's not a good person.
Please help because the suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever. I tried going to a psychiatrist to get on meds again and he said he wouldn't prescribe me anything for at least a few weeks.... I've been on at least 10 bipolar meds and he's making me wait with vivid suicidal thoughts... first, do no harm?
Can anyone help me please?
So my niece came by unannounced to say hello. No big deal except for the monumental bruising I left on my arm just below the elbow to about half way down the forearm. I have finger nail scraped up and down my arm and the bruise is huge and deep. She looked overly concerned at me and asked what the heck happened. She said it looks like I was bleeding under the skin, which is kind of did. (its better now)
So I thought of the best scenario I could and lied. She did not really buy it. I could see fear and worry in her face. Now I feel ashamed and stupid. It is no secret to my family that I am a screwed up ball of crazy and I self harmed back in the day, they do not know that I have put down the knife for more blunt trauma pain that I administer to most of my body that is covered.
The look of disappointment got to me, now I desire to cut again. I am at a loss. If I am cutting, does that always lead to deeper thoughts?...
I am already struggling with something darker than just bruising myself but I do not want to lean towards using a knife.
May = Mental Health Month, hurrah! But, lime-green ribbons/bracelets to spread mental health awareness?? Yuck, I don't want to wear a ribbon and "eiw" to lime green.
My vote would be a ribbon or button with yellow and black stripes (bananas!! and dark gloom. Plus, bees and tigers!).
It makes sense to wear something so that we're still visible when we look otherwise "normal," but what would it be? Ideas? Votes?
By Talky Tina
The other topic was posted in 2011 and there's only a couple comments. Thought I'd start something new. Hope that's alright.
So, a couple things I've learned. I used to harm. A lot. It's been maybe just about two years now. Some things that helped was that first... I'm into a bit of alternative lifestyle stuff. Flogging, bondage BDSM sort of stuff. And it kind of opened up a new way of looking at self harm or other sort of stuff. In a kind of... An active instead of reactive experience.
I tried getting my partner to hurt me when I wanted to self harm. And it wasn't so great. But holding an ice cube was helpful. It felt sharp which feels similar to burning for me.
Eating spicy... and SPICY food. Things like a ghost pepper or super tasty spicy sauces are super helpful too. The ice cub I can just drop. The spicy food stays with me for a while. And can really help me hold onto an experience. It also helps me avoid restriction.
I don't like eating. And when I do I typically purge. Purging spicy food is unpleasant. Purging itself isn't fun. But... purge something that has ghost pepper... and.. it brings a new definition to pain. It's also quite un-sustainable.
Now... I'd urge people to be mindful stepping into this stuff. Intentional and don't dive into it. Anything above can go dark and maladaptive. But.. I think that this stuff is a step towards risk reduction.
Well today was a shit day to put it lightly. Now I hope I don't sound like a whinny overly emotional girl. I just want to vent. I really don't care who reads this or if no one reads this at all. I just need a way to get my emotions out in words.
My mom has one of those steel safes with a combination. She keeps my medication for depression and anxiety, along with some razors in there. For the past couple of days I've been trying to crack the lock and figure out the combination with no luck. This kind of behavior drives my mom nuts. She'll go of into a rage and call me a fat narcissistic conveying bitch. She always surprises me with new insults to call me that she's made up on the fly.
I just can't take it anymore. She's been Especially emotional after her boyfriend of 5 months dumped her. Well today all that pint up anger burst out of her and she slapped me hard across the face after a long argument. This was really nothing new but she usually never hit so hard. I just stood there with my hand on my face shocked. She then told me that I was a mistake and that she should of taken my fathers advice and got me aborded
that was the last straw. The Desire to stop living was so great that I ran to my shower and took a [sharp] that I had been hiding for a while [description of activities]. When I was all done my thighs didn't even look like thighs anymore.they just looked like a mangled mess. It doesn't even hurt. I've desensitized myself to pain. I just feel stinging.