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You're a nice guy but...

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Posted (edited)

Since the day I was born I've been pretty much nice to everyone and never wronged anyone. Now I've got no girlfriend and never even had one. I keep getting " You're a nice guy but.... " You know the story. And then there's the Bad Boy who is great at sport, gets in fights, causes trouble, does drugs, bullies people and then he pretty much gets the girls, the money etc. for most of his life.

From my point of view people only talk to me when they WANT something or NEED something coz they will know I'll do it coz " I'm nice? "

People take advantage of me and mock and ridicule me coz of how "nice" I am. Basically people just shit on me and they think I'm an easy target coz I'm a such a " nice guy ". Yes I'm approachable but people approach me for all the wrong reasons.

Nice guys finish last? Nah they just don't finish

Edited by terrydrives1979

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i have a male friend who has the same complaint. My best advice is "it is ok to say no" and just for the record nice girls get shit on too take i from one whose been there. Keep trying, dont expect to find girls in bars, clubs ect you usually dont see most girls at there best at those places and keep your eyes open the one will show up when you least expect it

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i have a male friend who has the same complaint. My best advice is "it is ok to say no" and just for the record nice girls get shit on too take i from one whose been there. Keep trying, dont expect to find girls in bars, clubs ect you usually dont see most girls at there best at those places and keep your eyes open the one will show up when you least expect it

It's not just when it comes to getting a girlfriend.

I'm learning in therapy acting one way all the time is just plain old boring to other people.

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Everybody needs to have boundaries and self respect, it's okay and necessary to say no or express anger at different point in your life. If this is how your life is going, you might want to look more in therapy at boundary setting and protecting yourself.

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acting the same way may be boring to other people but are you happy? im called boring because im just not into what my friends are doing (ie partying) i think you should find groups based on activities you like and try striking up a friendship, oh also take a class or two thats a great way to meet different people

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Posted

Dam. Lost everything I was trying to post. Main thing was, set boundaries, attract a better class of people. You can do it. Good Luck.

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I kinda agree, but it's complicated too. For me, when I think of someone being "nice", I almost attach a passive aggressive connotation to it, perhaps because as a kid, when I was told to "be nice" it was almost always something that I didn't want to do at the time, like kissing my relatives goodnight or playing with my annoying cousins. So I guess I have trouble believing that people who act "nice" aren't just secretly seething on the inside like I used to?

Also there's the situation where being with someone who's really "nice", makes me look like the bad guy, or makes my craziness more apparent in contrast to them, or triggers the messages I got in my youth to "be nice, be perfect etc..." and I just am not comfortable with it.

There are different types of nice guys too, there are the regular nice guys who are just generally good guys, and then there the "nice" guys who I get the feeling they are just being nice because it's what they think I will like, or trust, and I just get an uncomfortable vibe from that...to me that's the passive aggressive type of "nice", where it's not being done naturally, but done for ulterior motives.

I hate being referred to as "nice"...but quite happy to be called "kind" which is similar, but doesn't have quite the same social connotations of "nice". I dunno...not sure I'm making much sense here, feel free to ignore.

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My husband is nice and girls wanted to be "just friends" . He had friends but rarely dated before we met. He's a great husband and father. I guess he had to wait awhile, but he didn't waste time with people that weren't right either.

But, I don't think people took advantage or ridiculed him. I have trouble saying no, but I'm getting better. Like other people said working on setting boundaries would be helpful.

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Oh give me a break. The whole "nice guy" routine boils down to being upset that your friends won't fuck you. You have no right to expect sex from any random female you may befriend. I hate this routine. Quit being such a wet noodle, have some self confidence, and somebody will eventually show interest in you. Nobody wants to love somebody who can't love themselves.

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Bad boys steal money, do drugs, crash up cars, and cheat on their women. Every single (hetero) woman I know is looking for a good man who showers regularly, works hard, pays his bills, can laugh at a joke, and will sit through a chick flick. Do those things and you will attract a good woman. But the others are right---you need boundaries, and you need self-confidence. If you aren't seeing a therapist, this might be the time.

olga

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I kinda agree, but it's complicated too. For me, when I think of someone being "nice", I almost attach a passive aggressive connotation to it, perhaps because as a kid, when I was told to "be nice" it was almost always something that I didn't want to do at the time, like kissing my relatives goodnight or playing with my annoying cousins. So I guess I have trouble believing that people who act "nice" aren't just secretly seething on the inside like I used to?

Also there's the situation where being with someone who's really "nice", makes me look like the bad guy, or makes my craziness more apparent in contrast to them, or triggers the messages I got in my youth to "be nice, be perfect etc..." and I just am not comfortable with it.

There are different types of nice guys too, there are the regular nice guys who are just generally good guys, and then there the "nice" guys who I get the feeling they are just being nice because it's what they think I will like, or trust, and I just get an uncomfortable vibe from that...to me that's the passive aggressive type of "nice", where it's not being done naturally, but done for ulterior motives.

I hate being referred to as "nice"...but quite happy to be called "kind" which is similar, but doesn't have quite the same social connotations of "nice". I dunno...not sure I'm making much sense here, feel free to ignore.

I can see where Maybell is coming from. Whenever I meet "nice" people I can't help but wonder what they're like when they're angry. Sometimes they almost scare me. I'm not saying you are like that... What Maybell said just reminded me of my own feelings. I agree with everyone else though. Don't focus on being "nice" so much as being yourself. Be as happy and healthy as you can, and you'll probably start to draw people in general to yourself. One of them may be a special woman. :D

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Bad boys steal money, do drugs, crash up cars, and cheat on their women. Every single (hetero) woman I know is looking for a good man who showers regularly, works hard, pays his bills, can laugh at a joke, and will sit through a chick flick. Do those things and you will attract a good woman. But the others are right---you need boundaries, and you need self-confidence. If you aren't seeing a therapist, this might be the time.

olga

I must agree... Women often want someone who can make them laugh, who is compassionate, who can pay his bills, etcetc. I don't have a single friend who intentionally goes after the "bad boys" who do drugs and cheat.

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Posted (edited)

I must agree... Women often want someone who can make them laugh, who is compassionate, who can pay his bills, etcetc. I don't have a single friend who intentionally goes after the "bad boys" who do drugs and cheat.

I used to have a best friend who is a bad boy(I haven't seen him for a while). Basically coz he is rough and tough he said "Girls like guys who can protect and make them feel safe." He is a womanizer and told me he gets girls by making them laugh and buying them things. Really though NONE of his relationships last longer than a month. It's just sex.

I believe that its usually girls that are teenagers and in their 20's that fall for "Bad Boys". Any older and they realise they have no future with a Bad Boy.

Edited by terrydrives1979

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I must agree... Women often want someone who can make them laugh, who is compassionate, who can pay his bills, etcetc. I don't have a single friend who intentionally goes after the "bad boys" who do drugs and cheat.

I believe that its usually girls that are teenagers and in their 20's that fall for "Bad Boys".

Well, sometimes. I don't think you can make generalizations, when you consider how many hundreds of millions of women there are in this world. I know lots of women in their teens and 20s who go for the steady-Eddie, nice kind of guy. I also know women in their 30s and 40s who haven't learned their lessons, and still go for the bad boys. I have to wonder if it's a lack of self-esteem with those women---they feel like they aren't deserving of a good man because they're worthless or hopeless or something.

olga

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Posted (edited)

EDIT

Nice guy: Typically an egghead and coz he comes from a good family and good environment is; too nice, too caring, too boring, push over even to people who treat him like shit, doesn't stand up for himself, has high morals and values, too predictable, avoids fights and trouble, rarely gets dealt with by the police AND has problems saying " NO ".

Edited by terrydrives1979

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Posted (edited)

Bad boy: Usually the sporty type with only half a brain who is a bully throughout school and this is where he gets his confidence and who gets the chicks coz of his body and popularity and this is where he begins to get experience with girls and through trial and error learns how to get them in bed coz let's face it there's no real serious relationshops as a teenager. He is the guy that hooks up with the Prom Queen and that's if he hasn't dropped out of school.

While the "nice guy" at this moment in time is usually the nerd with glasses whose only real friends are the other nerds. So he doesn't get any chicks at this moment in his life hence NO EXPERIENCE as a teenager and probably ends up being a friget virgin throughout his youth.

When it comes to women Bad Boys already have a HUGE head start coz of all his experience as a kid.

Would a women want a guy who knows what he is doing in bed or a friget type of guy who is "just nice" but is no good at sex?

Edited by terrydrives1979

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Posted (edited)

Um, okay. Because there is only one type of "bad boy," and one type of "good guy." Newsflash: Not all bad boys are bullies.

And bullies suck in bed anyway. Duh.

Edited by crtclms

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Didn't you see "Revenge of the Nerds?" Nerds are good in bed because that's what they think about.

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Posted (edited)

Since the day I was born I've been pretty much nice to everyone and never wronged anyone. Now I've got no girlfriend and never even had one. I keep getting " You're a nice guy but.... " You know the story. And then there's the Bad Boy who is great at sport, gets in fights, causes trouble, does drugs, bullies people and then he pretty much gets the girls, the money etc. for most of his life.

This is a skewed view, I think instead of being jealous of the 'bad boys', you should forget about them and make a life for yourself. Jealousy and envy are a big turn-off. You can't change anyone else, but you can change yourself. I'm not saying you need to try to become a bad boy, but you need to forget about comparing yourself to others, and do what feels right for you.

From my point of view people only talk to me when they WANT something or NEED something coz they will know I'll do it coz " I'm nice? "

So why do you do it? If someone asks you to do something for them, and you feel like doing it for them, then do it. Otherwise, say no, without giving any excuses or stories about why you can't or won't. A simple 'no' is enough. Doing things you don't want to in order to hope people will think you're nice isn't going to work because you're not acting in accordance with what you're really thinking (that people are using you), and people will realize that and be turned off by it.

People take advantage of me and mock and ridicule me coz of how "nice" I am. Basically people just shit on me and they think I'm an easy target coz I'm a such a " nice guy ". Yes I'm approachable but people approach me for all the wrong reasons.

You need to get away from these mean-spirited and terrible people! They are not your friends, and don't respect you at all. People can only take advantage of you if you let them. You control how people treat you, although it may not seem that way.

Find some new friends, and don't plan on using being nice, willing to do anything to get people to like you, as the method to make new friends. They will like you anyway for yourself, and as others have pointed out, being nice in a false way (when you want to say 'no') won't work, and will continue to make you really unhappy. I don't mean you need to be rude or unpleasant or mean-spirited, but letting others take advantage of you under the guise of being nice won't work, and clearly hasn't.

Life doesn't have to be like this, and you have control over how your life is. I think a therapist could help you a lot with working through these issues, and changing your thought patterns, which in turn will change how others view you.

{edited for typos}

Edited by Catnapper

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Nice guy: Typically an egghead and coz he comes from a good family and good environment is; too nice, too caring, too boring, push over even to people who treat him like shit, doesn't stand up for himself, has high morals and values, too predictable, avoids fights and trouble, rarely gets dealt with by the police AND has problems saying " NO ".

This guy is not a "nice guy", he's a doormat.

Women are not your reward for being a good guy. They are not objects that you deserve if you do a certain amount of "good things". Women are human beings with their own preferences and their own lives. Maybe the reason you've never got a girlfriend is because the women you're around recognize that you do not think of them as individuals and that you do not like them as individuals, but that you just want "a girlfriend" and you just want sex, and really, any woman will do.

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Posted (edited)

Terrydrives1979: "Otherwise, say no, without giving any excuses or stories about why you can't or won't. A simple 'no' is enough."

Right on!

This advice will make you SO MUCH free-er and SO MUCH healthier. Plus it's quick--straightforward and easy to grasp and implement (if you will.)

It's a hard one for a lot of us (i.e. me) who grew up trying to please others to receive approval, aka acceptance & what passed for love.

It's worth it. You're worth it.

Edited by sheila2050

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Posted (edited)

I'm just bitter.

My past taught me a lesson a history lesson.

Had lunch at a private hotel today and there was a pool outside filled with hot chicks surrounded by guys with shaved heads and tattoos who looked like they could kick anyone's ass.

Most regular guys don't mess with bad boys coz they have that fight club rugged look that you know if you wrong them they will rip you apart.

Edited by terrydrives1979

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Posted

"Hot chicks?" I think I have figured out why women aren't interested in you.

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I'm just bitter.

My past taught me a lesson a history lesson.

Had lunch at a private hotel today and there was a pool outside filled with hot chicks surrounded by guys with shaved heads and tattoos who looked like they could kick anyone's ass.

Most regular guys don't mess with bad boys coz they have that fight club rugged look that you know if you wrong them they will rip you apart.

You're looking at this the wrong way. You had lunch at a private hotel and got a great view of the pool.

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"Hot chicks?" I think I have figured out why women aren't interested in you.

Haha. ^_^

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