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terrydrives1979

You're a nice guy but...

73 posts in this topic

NOTE: Certain points in this post have been edited for clarity's sake. Deal.

Having worked for several years in a comic book/gaming store, a place where 'Nice Guys' typically congregate, the entire 'Chicks Dig Assholes' bitchfest has happened over and over again right in front of me, and I've pretty much heard every variation on it possible. Hell, occasionally the 'Nice Guys' doing the bitching actually notice I'm there long enough to ask how I feel about it, and then are horrified when I tell them the truth. This is going to sound really harsh, but the worst part about 'Nice Guys' is that they refuse to accept their own flaws. It can't possibly be something that they themselves are doing. It has to be the girls, right?

I feel uniquely qualified to explain this to you. I am quite literally your worst nightmare.

I'm the girl who has crushed every 'Nice Guy' she's ever met into the dirt on purpose.

So let's get started. When I finish laying this out, I'm going to tell you how to fix it.

The common chords in most of these whine-sessions are that the Nice Guys feel entitled to having a girlfriend, as though it's somehow standard issue that every single person in possession of a penis must have one. (Kind of like 'No Child Left Behind' or 'Every Child Gets a Trophy'.) This is not only completely false, but it also basically says in no uncertain terms, 'Girlfriends are not people, they are a possession I have a right to have and will give me status as a man among my peers. Also, sex.'

There's always an element of, 'Damit, why do they have one and I don't? I want one!' One what? A smoothie? A basketball? A PS3? Oh, you mean a human being? Someone with emotions and desires? Girls aren't objects, and neither are relationships, and right now I'm sure that you're saying to yourself, 'I know they aren't objects! I'm a nice guy!' But all of the language surrounding those girls is 'that guy has all the hot chicks' or 'steals the girls' or 'gets the girls'. Are we talking about human beings, or a herd of cattle?

There's also this unspoken suggestion that girls who are interested in the jerks, assholes, and bad boys are somehow stupid, because how could they possibly be interested in those guys instead of someone as magnificent and nice as you? You reinforced this one yourself by suggesting that only teenagers and younger women are interested in the 'bad boys' because the older ones see there's no future with them...which again, goes back to the same thing: 'Younger women are interested in jerks because they are too stupid to see how horrible that jerky-jerkface is, and how generous and awesome I am. Those stupid, ungrateful bitches.'

...but you're such a Nice Guy...right?

Last but not least, the self-pity is part and parcel of each 'Chicks Dig Assholes' bitchfest, and it's the part that I hate the most. It goes something like this, 'Poor me! Everyone shits on me! I'm such a Nice Guy and girls are never interested in me! They always want that mean douchey-doucheface over there who has everything! He has girls, he has money, he has a good job, he has a nice body, he knows about sex, he has visible self-confidence, good hygiene, a defined personality, the ambition to go out and do things and make decisions for himself, and who will stand up for himself when some asshole gets in his face.'

Here is my suspicion: It has very little to do with girls, and has very much to do with you being incredibly insecure about everything in your life: Your body, your accomplishments, your job, your bank account, your status in society, and your lack of the objects and items that increase your status, like money and let's face it, girls. Because you are insecure and bitter about those things, the men who are well adjusted and who take control of their lives (and do not let people use them as doormats) are therefore 'jerks, assholes, and douchebags'.

The truth is, you aren't a nice guy. You are graspy, passive-aggressive, whiny, and you very likely have both a misogynistic streak and a bad fucking temper hidden behind that entire 'Nice Guy' act. Most women have dated at least one 'Nice Guy' in their lives, and it's a mistake that most of them won't make again. There's a reason that once a girl realizes you're a 'Nice Guy' you get dumped in the friend zone...and it's not because they're too stupid to see how nice you are, it's because they can see 'Insecure, Passive-Aggressive Asshole' written all over you.

Okay?

So I'm going to pretend that you aren't completely enraged by now, and instead saying something like:

"Recluse! I totally understand now! What can I do to fix myself of this 'Nice Guy' crap?!"

It's much easier than you realize.

1. Stop being a weiner. You agree with everyone all the time to avoid conflict or a difference of opinion. God forbid someone that you know be unhappy, or that you don't agree with them about one particular point or another. You might see this agreeability as being 'nice', but really, it's you sitting there with your tail between your legs and not saying what you're really thinking. This doesn't make you a nice guy. This makes you a doormat. - So work very hard to assert your own opinions and thoughts, and when someone disagrees with you, tell them so without arguing about it. Accept that people don't always agree.

2. Be your own guy. For many of the men I know, the 'Nice Guy' thing becomes a preoccupation that really damages their actual personality. They are also horribly, creepily co-dependent. They've spent so long being agreeable and avoiding conflict that they have trouble defining the things they like, don't like, or want out of life beyond big, wide generalities. Take a break from the 'Nice Guy' routine and willingly, happily be solo for a while. Be 'the bachelor', not 'that guy with no girlfriend', and as a bachelor, go out and do shit that makes YOU happy, and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.

3. Improve yourself, for yourself. Look at the things that you envy most about other men, the things that make them 'assholes', and then start working toward that. If you feel especially strongly about men with good bodies, start working out, if you feel strongly about men with good jobs, take steps to find a different or better job. Decide who you want to be, and then start taking small, tangible steps toward that goal. Just the process of going, 'fuck this, I want something better' can be empowering and help your insecurity.

4. Have a few one night stands. The only way to be good at sex is to have some. I'm dead serious. Also, take condoms. [Edit: Having One Night stands, provided they are consensually One Night Stands is not a crime or even a bad idea for certain folks. Both parties release their frustration, enjoy themselves, and then go their separate ways. This is neither evil nor unnatural in my opinion.]

5. Learn to fight. This is important for several reasons. The first is that you must learn to stop being cowardly. The second is that everyone, male or female, should know how to fight. The third is that it will teach you self confidence. The fourth reason is that at some point in your adult life, you WILL have to fight someone for one reason or another, and you'd better be ready to do it. You'll walk with a little more swagger, and right now, swagger is what you need. [Edit: Such reasons for fighting include: Self defense, defense of others, preventing theft, etc. Please do not take this to mean that you must go out and brawl indescriminantly for whatever reason suits you.]

6. Study Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I can't say enough about it. It will help. Buy the 'For Dummies' book, it's cheap and it will get you started. [Edit: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a method by which you learn how to identify your own cognitive distortions and avoid them in the future. It will help you be better balanced. CBT is recommended for a great number of things, among them anxiety and chronic insecurity.]

This kind of thing is shit that I think fathers should tell their sons when they're young, but no one ever does. It would solve so many problems if they did. You've said in another post that you need someone, but you're not going to find anyone else until you figure yourself out. I hope this helps.

Edited by Recluse

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Recluse, if what you just said had been a Facebook post, I would totally Like it. Peace, yo.

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<"Recluse! I totally understand now! What can I do to fix myself of this 'Nice Guy' crap?!">

I'm not a guy and am married, but I think some of these points could help me, too. I think I'm "nice", but maybe I am just a doormat.

Great post.

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Brilliant.

It's like you are inside my mind.

Write a book on this and plz give me half the profit.

And would you say an older bad boy is just a womanizer?

Edited by terrydrives1979

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Brilliant.

It's like you are inside my mind.

Write a book on this and plz give me half the profit.

And would you say an older bad boy is just a womanizer?

Your forever alone, please enjoy it. ^_^

gallery_9389_412_12769.png

Edited by Recluse

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Recluse, if what you just said had been a Facebook post, I would totally Like it. Peace, yo.

Confused, what does it matter if Recluse writes it on facebook or CB?

Secondly, how can a chubby crazy chick get some penis in my designated 10 mile radius?

db

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how can a chubby crazy chick get some penis in my designated 10 mile radius?

Recluse puts on her Billy Mays outfit.

BILLY MAYS HERE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT PENIS! I've got good news! Penis is in very turgid supply! You'll find it rigidly stocked in bars and social venues everywhere! If you prefer to shop at home, there is a swelling interest in dating and hookup sites just throbbing with people just like you, that can put you in touch with eager suppliers of whatever type of penis you crave! Big! Small! Crooked! Wedge-shaped! Cut! Uncut! All of your phallic needs can be met by following one of two easy steps!

1. Go to your local third-party penis dispensing venue while wearing your designated penis attraction gear! Awkward social situations are a thing of the past with a widely stocked array of social lubricants in many colors, flavors, and blends! Your local penis dispensing venue can provide you with a number of options, including the very popular One Night Stand Package, which contains such features as 'No Committment', 'No Head Games', and the award-winning 'Fuck Buddy' addon!

2. Visit one of a vast array of direct-to-client penis directories, where you will be provided with the details of a number of suppliers in the privacy of your own home! No more will you be required to make a split-second decision between two suppliers based on very little information during the heat of face-to-face negotiations, no! Using the direct-to-client approach, you can thoroughly investigate your selected suppliers to be certain of their quality in advance!

Be certain to act fast, as the thrust of new customers for these suppliers is swiftly growing in size! ACT NOW!

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In a world of billions of humans, at least half of whom are in some state of horniness at any given time and bombarded by sexually saturated media, I am perpetually flabbergasted that there are vast numbers of people who find it practically impossible to connect physically with someone else. Every night, millions of frustrated, unhappy, lonely people fall asleep alone (often with hand between legs) while any number of people nearby - who would give anything to have made the connection - also fall asleep alone and frustrated. I can only think that a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem are the cause, fueled by media that portray sexuality as the province only of the physical and social elite.

I can get sex if I want it, but what I yearn for is a companion. Someone who thinks like me. Much, much harder to find. In fact, impossible, so far. Like looking for a blue whale with wings.

Cerberus

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In a world of billions of humans, at least half of whom are in some state of horniness at any given time and bombarded by sexually saturated media, I am perpetually flabbergasted that there are vast numbers of people who find it practically impossible to connect physically with someone else. Every night, millions of frustrated, unhappy, lonely people fall asleep alone (often with hand between legs) while any number of people nearby - who would give anything to have made the connection - also fall asleep alone and frustrated. I can only think that a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem are the cause, fueled by media that portray sexuality as the province only of the physical and social elite.

I can get sex if I want it, but what I yearn for is a companion. Someone who thinks like me. Much, much harder to find. In fact, impossible, so far. Like looking for a blue whale with wings.

Cerberus

Sorry I go off on tangents and a lot of things remind me of songs, so here are some lyrics

<Love

The made love in the mountains, they made love in the streams,

They made love in the valleys, they made love in their dreams.

But when they were finished there was nothing to say,

'Cause mostly they made love from ten miles away.>

John Prine-Donald and Lydia

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I've always struggled with not seeing myself as the most horrible person on the planet so I really don't get the whole "nice guy" thing.

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I've always struggled with not seeing myself as the most horrible person on the planet so I really don't get the whole "nice guy" thing.

See, you just need to own that shit. "Yes, I'm the most horrible person on the planet. I'm the goddamn scourge of the earth...and I like it...and you like it too."

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I'm so terribly sorry, but......I was feeling quite depressed, till I read this thread! Thank you :)

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I just want to point out, as a fellow Pittsburgher, it isn't *Billy,* it is *Biwwy.* We don't know how to pronounce the "ll" sound in Pittsburghese. :P

Now excuse me while I bring the bus dahntahn.

Edited by crtclms

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I think this "Nice Guy" thread isn't about nice guys at all. These are assholes who are trying to use the facade of being a good guy to hide the fact that they are insecure, inept (due to that insecurity and lack of understanding basic social rules and norms), angry and outside-blame-driven, and sexually frustrated.

They have to create this anti-image of the "Bad Guy" who must be the "bad" one cause he's the guy who isn't nice... not little old me. "I'm perfect, so it *must* be that people prefer assholes, and that makes them assholes too. None of it has anything to do with *me*." Of course this bad guy identity uses societal decided wrongs rather than anything having to do with personality. Then the bad guy is idolized cause they get all the sex they want, from whomever they want - which is such a ridiculous concept in and of itself.

What does this mean? That it's ok for the "Nice Guy" to be an ass who is looking to use women for sex and be a passive (or later on when they feel less like presenting an image) openly-aggressive jerk - because that's what society deems as "good". The "Bad Guys" are well liked and get along well in life. They're bad and nothing like me, but if it's ok for them and supported by everyone (especially women).. then there's nothing wrong with how I am. My actions are perfectly excusable and fine. They don't need to be looked at or addressed.

So they go out saying they want a "girlfriend," when in fact, they only want sex & the ability to blame the woman when they ultimately get turned down.

"You're a nice guy," can be a platitude. When you turn someone down, especially someone with an anger streak, it's not the norm to call them on it and give them the real reason: yes, it *is* you.. and it's because you're a mess and I know better than to even go there. It's a diffusing complement to lessen the "but" statement that follows. Nobody turns someone down cause they're simply nice. Bad Guys can still be nice if they only fuck with people who fuck with them. There is always a reason, and it has to do with personality and incompatibility.

Nice does not equal Good Person.

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gawd this has been funny. terrydrives you sure have gotten an earful. Relationships with good sex aren't like money in the have/have not sense. There's all different kinds of relationship "currency," and some of it is worthless or worse.

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Recluse, if what you just said had been a Facebook post, I would totally Like it. Peace, yo.

Confused, what does it matter if Recluse writes it on facebook or CB?

db

It doesn't matter. I was just complimenting her post, and trying to add some (probably bad but I don't care) humor. If there had been a "Like" button on the post I would have liked it. That's all. :D

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It doesn't matter. I was just complimenting her post, and trying to add some (probably bad but I don't care) humor. If there had been a "Like" button on the post I would have liked it. That's all. :D

It was lulzy, and thank you. ^_^

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It seems no matter how bad some guys treat other people who aren't in their social circle they still seem to have more friends/women than guys who are just darn right nice and polite.

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It seems no matter how bad some guys treat other people who aren't in their social circle they still seem to have more friends/women than guys who are just darn right nice and polite.

Well, if you are nice and polite you have one thing going for you so don't change that. Are these guys treating you badly?

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Well, if you are nice and polite you have one thing going for you so don't change that.

Well at the moment I just started working out and getting more social.

Are these guys treating you badly?

I'm obviously not in their social circle of sports stars, womanizers, bad boys and date rapists.

Short answer, yes.

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Is there anyone in particular doing something specifically to you? Or are ":bad boys" treating you badly by having friends/girlfriends?

Did you read the other posts?

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Is there anyone in particular doing something specifically to you? Or are ":bad boys" treating you badly by having friends/girlfriends?

Pot meet kettle or whatever that saying is..

I myself are actually attracted to " bad girls ". Reason why? It's THEIR personality of fun, unpredicatble, sexy and dominating =) ...

Did you read the other posts?

Yeah, I don't agree nor do I have the energy to keep arguing coz my fingers are getting sore.

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I'm not really arguing, just asking questions, but if you aren't able to respond I understand

I think you are making a mistake by classifying groups of people as "bad"

Sure, who wouldn't like to be around someone who is fun, spontaneous, confidant, sexy.

You said you are working out and getting more social. That's a big step in the direction of making friends.

I'm married, but I have a lot of trouble making friends. I haven't dated in many years, so I don't have any advice.

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I think you are making a mistake by classifying groups of people as "bad"

Sure, who wouldn't like to be around someone who is fun, spontaneous, confidant, sexy.

I believe you just CAN'T have it both ways.

Yes, it's great and wonderful to be around someone who is fun, spontaneous etc etc. however what's the point if they later backstab you or make you're life a misery. Then they go back to being fun, sexy again.

That's why I've been having such an extraordinary time building a relationship ANY relationship with people who are only first great to be with then later they just crap on you and you keep questioning yourself.

Edited by terrydrives1979

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