28 posts in this topic
I almost feel like it's worse to have insight cause this time around I'm actually feeling myself going crazy and getting worse. For example on my drive home I started having all these crazy ideas that I've been switched with another me from a parallel universe. That everything isn't real, or at least not my reality. And I started thinking that people are gonna notice I'm not who I'm supposed to be etc. even while I was thinking is I recognize that it's insane, but the ideas are persisting. I don't know what to do. And least before without insight I never questioned my sanity.
What are your experiences like when you have insight?
So I just want to start by saying that I'm not trying to get anyone here to diagnose me, of course. I'm just concerned and I'm wondering if maybe anyone here sees some similarities between myself and you, or if you see anything that might not quite seem like bipolar disorder.
So I started having symptoms in early high school, I think. I'm 20 now. So I'm very unorganized, very bad at focusing which causes huge problems in school. I didn't do great in high school, and I've started and stopped college multiple times. I just started this really great program that I'm totally interested in and within a few weeks I've completely wiped out and dropped the whole idea even though it was perfect for me. I just couldn't handle the school work and the focus. I was only taking 3 classes, and one of them I'd taken the whole thing last year and done okay (until I skipped the last two weeks including the final and dropped my grade to a C). Probably my biggest issues have been delusions/psychosis, irritability, and some mood issues.
My delusions from over the years include two little monsters that followed me around and threatened me constantly (I'm not totally clear on whether those were a delusion or a hallucination, but more on that later), people reading my mind, tiny cameras hidden in the corners of ceilings, people and objects in photos and paintings being alive and watching/judging me all the time, looots of stuff about super powers/magic and religion, and just typical stuff like that.
I'm not totally sure if I've ever actually had a hallucination. Sometimes I have like forced thoughts that don't seem like my own, but they're just my regular thinking voice. I'll see shadows out of the corner of my eyes, but that could just be nothing I suppose. I'm not really sure what counts as a hallucination. For example, the first delusion I mentioned with the two monsters (so silly looking back on it, but I still get a paranoid feeling whenever I think about it, especially now that I'm 100% not on any meds atm) I could see very clearly in my mind, and looking back my memories are kind of fuzzy during that whole period. So I'm not totally sure how much of it was in my mind and how much of it I was actually seeing.
What is it like when you hallucinate? Auditory and visual? Is it crystal clear?
As for my mood symptoms, they aren't quite consistent with a typical bipolar person's. My episodes either seem to switch day to day, or even multiple times a day, or they are a mix of depressed and manic. Usually I'm either really agitated and full of energy, switching easily between irritable and giddy, always disorganized, often very "out of it" or dissociating, and always finding it very difficult to focus and think clearly about anything. I'm sure this whole post is a mess because of that, so I'm sorry if it's difficult to sort through.
I've just never had those longer periods of depression and mania. My self harm is usually a result of being overwhelmed or too agitated and need to let the energy out. It's rarely from feeling depressed.
I was on lamictal for about 3 years i guess, and it worked okay. I missed a lot of doses in a row and I'm now not taking it and there's definitely a huge difference. So I guess I wanted to know if lamictal would do anything for me at all if I wasn't bipolar? I also thought that lamictal didn't do much for mania which is when I thought most psychotic symptoms happened, so I don't know.
So I'm not really sure what's going on.
How many people here work consistently (full-time or part-time?) and how are you also able to also manage this condition successfully? Is your job high-level/stressful or is it a relief/distraction? Have you ever had to take medical leave, had frequent hospitalizations or have you ever been "let go" due to your issues?
Also: Do you live alone or with roommates or with your parents? Have great supportive friends that regularly check-in with you? Do you worry about losing your health insurance and being able to afford treatment?
I'm just curious how other people here cope.
Hi lovely people.
This could be a long post so thanks in advance if you make it to the end.
I went to see the psychiatric nurse on Friday after being referred by my GP. After a lengthy chat she said I definitely have bipolar but is concerned that there is an element of a personality disorder there too. This has worried me as I have always thought (and I'm probably wrong) that bipolar was something chemical and always been there even if not diagnosed, and a personality disorder was a result of a traumatic event. I have had a flashback for years to an episode when I was I was six, and the memory is clear, but I cannot remember what led to it. I have tried to talking to family members but it resulted in us moving 150 miles away from my mother's family, and me going to a child shrink for two years. I genuinely don't know what it was that happened, I just remember the aftermath. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is possible (and I really don't know if I want to know) that I was sexually abused.
So I have done a lot of thinking. My hypersexuality is a fucking nightmare. When I am off on one, I have to have it. I don't care, and I have put myself in the most dangerous positions. The nurse said as I am in a void state right now, she wants me to see the psychiatrist as quickly as possible to try and get me medicated before my next high or low.
In my highs I have believed I am superwoman. This has resulted in head injuries because of my obvious inability to fly once I have actually taken off. I have, as an eight year old child, jumped across train tracks as the trains have approached to see if I could beat the trains. What scares me is that it's not a death wish, it's a thrill seek. In my lows I have slashed my wrists and taken OD's of painkillers and Sertraline (given to me after a misdiagnosis of stress). My life has been an erratic nightmare.
I suffer from white noise - I have in situations in the past done such things as pick up a table and throw it to stop the noise, and crushed a glass in my hand when at a social function just to stop the noises in my head. I was 13 then. I threw a chair at my teacher when I was eleven, shaved my head when I was 13, and spent most of my life (including right now) almost unable to walk with holes in my feet I have picked and gorged out. I got expelled from school but took my exams and aced them.
I hate my own company and the company of others. I trust nobody. Certain smells make me vomit. I haven't washed my face with water for maybe 30 years - I can't even let the shower go over my face. I have the most sensitive gag reflex ever and eat so slowly, but I am always hungry and am obese. I can't stand my family anywhere near me but I love them and can't be without them. Married twice, various live in partners etc.
Once I was pissed off watching tv so I went to the shop to buy chocolate. I got on a bus, and got off in central London. I saw a sign for Eurostar and followed it. Next thing I woke up in Lille, France and thought shit, I need to go home! No mobile phones in 1997.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Am i bipolar, attention seeking, stupid, fucked up - what?
I'm not even asking for an answer. I just thought that someone reading this might think oh my god, I feel like that too.
I have a dual diagnosis as bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder. I lean more towards depression but have had bouts of extreme anxiety, daily suicidal thinking, anger, and risky sexual behavior. I am on 300mg of Lithium and 25mg of Lamictal and tapering up to 50mg soon. I feel exhausted all the time currently with episodes of intense anger and general sadness. I'm looking for other people with this dual diagnosis to share what meds they have tried and what has worked for them. I cannot currently say that my meds have helped. I know I am at a very low dose. In my mind I have tried so many meds (seroquel, Lexapro, Lithium, Lamictal, Nardil, Parnate, Abilify, Topemax)....all of these in various combinations with one another. I have and still feel like an outsider, a weirdo, mentally unstable. I would like to find others with my same struggle who are perhaps finding relief. Please share with me.