12 posts in this topic
I have really bad religious OCD. When I was seeing a CBT therapist, it was a lot better (years ago), but it's relapsed lately and it would help to get an outside perspective to see what is religious guilt and what is OCD. Right now, I am working a job that requires a lot of mentoring and advising students, have a steady boyfriend, and am strongly involved in the church. But I also struggle a lot with a couple of things: masturbation and reading the scriptures. Every once and a while I'll slip up on the former and the latter, I'm trying to get a lot better at. Here's where the OCD comes in: I get a lot of anxiety that if I do or don't do a certain thing, then it will have eternal consequences. Like if I slip up on the first thing, then I'll think "I will never get married because of this, God is going to punish me" or "because of this, I won't be able to have the spiritual strength to guide the students in my job." Same if I miss a day of scripture study. I get so anxious that if I mess up, it will have irreversible consequences and result in loss of blessings (very specific ones, too) that I can never gain back. It's getting to the point where it's everything. Listening to a song that has a bit of swearing--eternal consequences. Not being as giving and kind as I could be--eternal consequences. Skipping Sunday School because the teacher is boring--consequences. Forgetting to say a prayer before bed--consequences. But mostly the main two things mentioned above, I've just noticed it's spreading lately. How do I know if these are feelings that God or the Holy Ghost are prompting or if it's just OCD? I feel really guilty for doing these things and am trying to stop, but it's hard to separate what is guilt and what is OCD. Does God revoke blessings permanently for messing up or take away the ability to do well at one's job? What can I do to deal with these thoughts?
I took Anafranil for 10 years and it pooped out one year ago. I took Buspar and Vistaril for 6 months. I found an amazing psych dr and she did a genetic test and I matched with Zoloft. Also it said I had a MTHFR gene mutation. So, I started eating high folate diet, seeing the psych every two weeks, and I started taking liquid Zoloft. Started at 5mg and went up 1 milligram every two days until I hit 25. It worked amazingly! Worked like it is supposed to. She and I decided it needed increase again due to breakthrough OCD symptoms. So I took about a month to go to 37.5. Been there a month now. So in the meantime, she left the practice and now my doc is crap. I stopped eating the high folate and a lot of stress hit me at the same time. So, I started having anxiety attacks again. Like before when the Anafranil pooped out. I feel like it is happening again. My family says I was not at a therapeutic dose and increasing to 50 will help. Also, getting back on the high folate and a new doc.
So, my question, did it poop out since my symptoms are similar to the Anafranil or do I just need a dose increase? Can a less than therapeutic dose combined with the doc leaving and stopping folate cause this? Can it be fixed? Thanks in advance!
I have had horrible depressive nightmares as a result of severe depression throughout my life. These depressive nightmares were not normal experiences of a normal healthy depressed brain.
They were experiences of a severely ill and tormented brain since my depression has gotten to the point of being so severe that it has taken my life away.
The depression (hopelessness) and the horrible mental states experienced in those nightmares were nothing normal and was beyond anything imaginable since experiences in nightmares are nothing like experiences in your waking life.
People who have near death experiences sometimes have distressing or hellish ones. They experience the horrible indescribable mental states that they experience in their worst nightmares just as bad or even far worse than their worst nightmares.
But it's much worse since they experience it fully conscious since people are fully conscious and aware during their near death experiences.
They are hyper aware and everything is hyper real. To be fully aware and conscious of these horrible experiences is far worse than being less aware of them during your nightmares.
If I ever have a near death experience myself someday, then there is the possibility that I could experience those horrible indescribable depressive mental states that I experienced in those depressive nightmares.
To experience that fully conscious would be something so indescribably horrible that there is no way for me to be fine with that and not worry about that.
The possibility (no matter how slim) that I could have such a hellish or distressing near death experience has completely taken my life away from me.
It is a constant non-stop 24/7 obsessive worry that has destroyed my life to where I am not functioning and not doing any of my hobbies, it has troubled me, traumatized me, and has made everything in my life completely devoid of all joy and meaning to make my life worth living.
So my life is now completely gone and is no longer worth living which is why I have to somehow find a way to address this worry so that I can have my life back.
But I don't think it's possible and I think there is no hope since it is impossible for me to let something this horrible go and to be at peace with and allow myself to be fine with the idea of possibly experiencing this.
I am fine with and am at peace with facing any horrible experience in my waking life since these experiences are normal no matter how bad they are.
But those experiences in my depressive nightmares was something indescribable. They were completely altered abnormal mental states that were an indescribable hell. They were far beyond just some really horrible nightmarish experience.
It was beyond anything imaginable and there is no way I am fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing that again fully conscious during a near death experience.
There is no way for me to just be here in the moment and not to worry about it. I don't think any therapeutic techniques can help this. This is something so far beyond horrible that there is no possible way for me to let this go, be at peace with, and not worry about.
This situation seems like it is far beyond therapy and other known relaxation, meditation, coping, etc. techniques. So what do we do for this and what hope is there for this?
I will add two additional points that are important that I would like to make. The first being that as long as I have this obsessive worry, my life will continue to remain empty and miserable like this.
Having such obsessive depressive worries in your life causes your mind to focus on a problem and to shut out everything else in your life so that everything else is completely shut out of all joy and significance (meaning).
As long as I have this worry, then everything in my life will continue to remain dead and empty to me since my mind will always continue to shut those things out.
I will also remain non-functional in doing my hobbies and such since having this trouble and worry has rendered me this way.
The last point I would like to make is that some therapists and mental health professionals would say that it is all my way of looking at those mental states in my depressive nightmares.
That if I were to instead look at them differently such as looking at them from a more positive and less horrible perspective, that I wouldn't have to worry about experiencing them again fully conscious during a near death experience.
But the experience is what it is. It truly was that horrible and no change of thinking can change that experience for what it truly was. During that time I had those horrible depressive nightmares, I was so desperate to try this.
I was so desperate to try and take away the horrible power of these experiences by telling myself before I went to bed that they are nothing more than unpleasant experiences, that I can look at them from less horrible perspectives to make these experiences less horrible, etc.
But that did nothing. When I had those depressive nightmares, the experiences were just as horrible. So this says that experiences alone in of themselves can be the absolute worst and most horrible or they can be the absolute best and glorious.
This says that the experiences themselves alone have this power and that it is not just simply your way of looking at them. If it was nothing more than your way of looking at them, then a change of thought should change the experience.
In other words, if you looked at a certain experience in the very beginning as the most horrible experience, but then changed your perspective of that experience as being nothing more than an unpleasant feeling, then that is all that it should be now.
So next time you have it again, it won't bother you that much and would now just be nothing more than an unpleasant feeling and would no longer be the horrible experience it was before. But this isn't the case for me. The experience is what it is regardless of how I choose to view it in a different manner.
In conclusion, some therapists would tell me:
"Yes, it may very well be that horrible of an experience. But you'll get through it no matter how horrible it is if it ever does happen to you."
This statement does not make me any less worried. It does not bring me peace or anything. You do not realize what this is. You do not realize just how horrible that experience was. There is no possible way for me to be at ease with the idea of experiencing it fully conscious during a near death experience.
Anyone out there suffer from morbid obsessions that are apparently Pure O related (no real compulsions)? This can be thoughts of harming others or self in horrible ways, commiting atrocious crimes, or otherwise totally inappropriate thoughts that cause great distress because you know you would never do something like that. Here is a link which begins with a more detailed description of this phenomenon: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-violent-obsessions/
If anyone out there deals with this, have you found any good coping methods?
So, I have been wondering about this today. From my research I know that clanging is a common verbal problem for those suffering with schizophrenia or bipolar psychosis. But has anyone experienced this phenomenon only mentally?
Before I was diagnosed with my slew of problems I had a very intense episode of several days (if not a week) where I repeated rhyming, unrelated words in my head. It was maddening...it became some sort of mantra I couldn't stop. Now that I think about it, I repeated the words out loud in a desperate attempt to get them out of my head. I had a hard time thinking straight, couldn't sleep. Eventually it went away. But I do still find myself making strange word connections. Could this be an anxiety provoked OCD behaviour? Or some pre-bipolar onslaught? For the record, I have had some strange behaviors, but my PDOC has never classified me as being psychotic.