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FUCK. I'm so tired of this bullshit. Where do you go if you're running from yourself!?


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Posted

My brain doesn't work anymore. I went from child prodigy/genius to this; someone who can barely read a page without forgetting entirely what it was about. The same person who seems to do the same things every day with no improvement. I seem to wake up and forget everything, and NO it's not Amnesia.

I can't run from myself any longer. I am so fucking pissed off right now I want to kill everyone around me. I want to break things. I want to take an axe to my car. I'm staying at my parents house and I want to light it on fire and watch it burn.

I can't leave anywhere because no matter where I go this follows me. I can't do something fun because there is nothing fun that takes my mind away from this horseshit. I can't be productive because trying to learn something new is a death sentence because I can't learn any more and the frustration from sitting here trying to make my brain work right send me into a stronger rage!

WHERE DO YOU GO when you're running from yourself? How do you calm down. I'm surprised I lasted this long (years) but I think I'm at the breaking point. I can't just 'blow off some steam' like normal people. I can't remove myself from a situation, like a family feud, because that stiuation is myself and it is basically holding me under water no matter where I travel, what I think, and what I do.

Cognitive therapy is a joke. The last thing on my mind is fucking talking myself out of it because I don't believe a god damn word I'm telling myself!

That 357 is looking so awesome right now, BUT... oh wait... I can't do it. Why?!?! Because I go manic every time I put it to my head! I can't escape it even if I want to!

FUCK MY FUCKEN LIFE!!!

Wow grammatical nightmare. Sorry. FUCK editing it.

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Posted

How do people have fun in life? How do you help yourself feel better if nothing is fun and everything in this world is just a disaster waiting to happen? I can't watch a fucking movie because it'll send me into a rage if there's something in there I don't like. It's like everything I like to do is always taken away from me, or becomes exceedingly hard (guitar). Christ, my ability to play music is DIRECTLY related to my mood. If I feal great, I play great. If I feel shitty, I play shitty. I can't run to this guitar to help myself feel better because it, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, changes in difficulty based on my mood.

It's a self-reinforcing cycle of hopeless despair. I want to just keel over and die.

And fuck the suicide helpline, what a joke. And FUCK inpatient; Now I'm 30 grand in debt and all I have to show is several visits to the drug re-evaluation program. and NONE of the fucking drugs work!! They never have!

God damnit I'm so pissed off I wish you could feel it.

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Posted (edited)

I believe I've been to a similar place. That place where I'm manic and the doctors and the meds don't help and all I'm left with is my rage because there is no where to turn and no one to help me.

So I get out and walk so far that I feel like I'm about to drop, and then I turn around and walk back. Now, that may (does) involve walking into traffic, spitting on windshields, challenging drivers to fist fights, cursing people at churches. But I don't own a gun, thanks be to myself. And walking beats my other technique of getting in my truck and driving madly thru town until the cops stop me and I challenge them to a fight in an attempt to get them to beat my ass or throw me in jail, or worse. I'll fight, but not with a gun.

It's hard to physically exhaust myself when manic, but if I walk far enough I can do it.

Edit: And when it's over, I have called or sent a letter of apology to people I can identify that I have offended. I'm not proud of my behavior. The thought that no one could help was a product of mania, not thinking clearly.

Edited by Will

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Posted

It took me many years to find meds that work enough so I can function most days. I still have episodes, though not as severe. I am doing Accetance & commitment therapy (ACT) on my own through a workbook and it has helped a lot. I hope to get a therapist soon as well. We have to work so muchharder than normies just to be functioning sometimes. It sucks, but it can get better.

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Posted

I keep thinking it's psychological. But who the hell else does this on this planet?

Scatty:

I'm going to look into ACT, thanks.

Will:

Is this what mania is? I often think my logic is perfect when going insane, but is the mania the thing causing this illusion of logic? I know what you mean, it's like everything shuts down and rational thinking is out the window. People say to use things to 'manage your emotions' or 'stop acting like a girl' but I'm not bullshitting. I literally have no control over what I think, feel, do, or say.

One time I got so pissed off that I bought a backpack and enough food for 2 weeks. The plan was to hike 300 miles back home (across country). It made so much sense at the time, but right before I left I went into a depression and became physically ill (sometimes it gets so bad I vomit uncontrollably). Looking back I thought the hike was a shitty idea, and if I didn't get depressed I would have ended up doing it. But why did I think that at the time? It's like logic doesn't exist.

I hate my life, I want no sympathy from anyone, I just want to be a productive member of society. God damnit. And they say suicide is the easy way out??? FUCK THOSE INCONSIDERATE, ARROGANT FUCKS. I'ts like having the flu every day of your life. I'm sure if they were as sick as we were they'd change their tune.

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Posted

I'm not saying you're manic depressive because I can't diagnose you. I'm bipolar 1, and I typically go over the top into psychosis when manic. So, when I'm dealing with rage, I'm sometimes thinking that people have an agenda against me. That's paranoid and delusional. You sound more rational than I am when I'm sick. Which is not to say your pain is less. The suggestion that you walk your ass off to exhaustion was just a practice that got me thru a 3-month episode when I was dealing with a lot of rage. I guess I identified with you because of the rage component of your experience.

The "illusion of logic." Well said. When I'm getting sick I feel I'm firing on more cylinders. Thinking is much faster and easier. I can tap memories and connect things in wondrous (for me anyway) ways. But that's just the hypomanic phase and it typically goes all the way out for me.

So, the first few years they had me labeled as a schizophrenic and I was locked up a couple of times because I was completely berserk. When they let me out, I knew the diagnosis and I was afraid of the label of schizophrenia. Now, I think it's just a label and my life may have been about the same, just different meds. Lithium helped me until it stopped working a few years ago -- it damn sure seemed to correct my diagnosis.

Despite all this, I've managed a career. It might have been better, but it's been good enough all things considered. Just keep going and looking for help and answers.

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Posted

Thanks for replying Will, and you're right, we have the rage in common. I also go over the top when in mania. For some reason I feel like I can control what people are thinking, and try to place ideas in peoples' heads.

Do you mind if I ask you how much lithium you were on? Doc isn't even doing bloodwork on me for lithium... fucking asshole. I'm on 1200 and want to increase more but he says if I'm not showing signs/symptoms I shouldn't do a blood test. I'm thinking maybe 1500 might work?

Of course it stopped working for me in the past, but out of all the medications I"ve taken, it lasted the longest (1 month before it quit).

Congratulations on your career. I am happy that there is light at the end of the tunnel after hearing that. Unfortunately for me I have these types of episodes every time I try to finish school and can't manage to keep up with the work load. I have finals next week and haven't a clue as to what the topics are on.

Although it's funny, because when I'm in a very good mood my cylinders fire faster also. Memories are clearer, I feel like a god (super intelligent), and I can work 10 times harder than I could otherwise. I usually tend to finish work I"ve been putting off for weeks in a matter of days, but then the crash happens and the cycle repeats itself.

Just wish I could do something productive. I interned at NASA for god sakes, back before this started, and now I can't even complete basic general education classes. It's either I'm hyper intelligent or borderline retarded. I barely manage to write these posts as well, since I have to re-read them several times to remember what I"ve written, and then edit for over half an hour.

I don't mean to put anyone else in a bad mood, I won't post anymore. Sorry for lashing out.

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Posted

1200 lithium, but I would go up to 1500 when hypomanic. Of course, it all is relative to where the dosage gets your blood level.

The first time I took it, it seemed to work like magic. But, looking back, I dunno. It may have been partly the lithium and partly the end of a 3-month manic cycle. But I did have a good first few years on it. Some hypomanic run-ups but no manias for a long time.

One caution, based on your introductory post as I recall it. Alcohol might make you feel better short term, but it is a mood destablilizer.

You don't put anyone in a bad mood. We can do that for ourselves.

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Posted

Do you mind if I ask you how much lithium you were on? Doc isn't even doing bloodwork on me for lithium... fucking asshole. I'm on 1200 and want to increase more but he says if I'm not showing signs/symptoms I shouldn't do a blood test. I'm thinking maybe 1500 might work?

This is pretty ridiculous.

Demand bloodwork. If you don't get an order in your hand, find another pdoc or get one through a gp. Really. It is that important.

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Posted

I guess... I would really recommend starting a blog here. You'll get awesome feedback and start to make some connections in the community and also learn other people's stories if you check out the blogs too.

I think one of the things that turned me off from this post initially was NOT that it put me in a bad mood or anything like that.

It's just... I feel you. Totally. There are some days when I want to just pick up my 50 pound computer monitor and throw it through the bay window. And I feel like I could.

I'm feeling kind of mixed right now, so I may say some funny or off things. But I think you can find a good niche here so I hope you stick around.

Do stick around.

There are successes to be had.

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Posted

:) Thank you for your kind words and advice.

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Posted

Not giving blood tests for lithium levels is nuts, and dangerous. This, added to the things you mentioned in another thread, are enough reason to look for a new pdoc. And Luna is right, you should get a blood test like yesterday.

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I had lithium toxicity when my only side effect was even more increased thirst. I could have really fried my insides if I hadn't had a blood test done. You really need to get a level done every time you change your dose, and every six months otherwise. Demand a blood test. Any pdoc who refuses doesn't know his ass from his elbow or is a lazy ass and needs to be fired. Are you willing to toast your vital organs because he says so?

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when i had no way to challenge my rage, i started screaming into a pillow. then, i started hitting the sofa. finally, i bought a cheap kids inflatable punching bad and would beat the shit out of it. worked awesome, until it busted. : ) still need another one. (try one thats 4 ft or more)

i tried a real one and that fucking hurt.

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I, too, am tired of so much BS.  I think it is a compilation of 2 things.

 

First, life is full of BS.  People BS you and you're told to do BS stuff or else.  I just get tired of it myself and when I hear it, it just makes me so disgusted with people.

 

Second, I hear people talking about the drugs they take to compensate for it.  They help somewhat, but then they stop working.  Please beafr with me. I was having heart problems and my doctor without doing any tests said that I wasd anxious.  I bit my tongue hard cause my heart problem was so bad I ended up in the ER 4 times.  I took them, cymbalya and buspar for 3 years - they they stopped working.  I did research and found out that scientists know this and don't know why.  So, what was I to do.  I did more research and found out that my problem was due to the intake of high fructose corn syrup.  Guess what?  IT CONTAINS MERCURY AND LEAD!!!  These are neuro-toxins that screw up your brain big time.  To get your brain working right you need to get rid of the physical problems - toxins!!!  Our food is loaded with them from soda to bread.  I stopped all food intake that contained high fructose corn syrup and now I am feeling better and don't need the cymbalta.  I feel so much better.

 

A previous entry talked about doing blood work before doing the lithium.  Keeping an eye on your blod work si so important.  It tells you what is going on in your body so much.

 

So, to get your psche going better, you need to get the brain physically fixed, which is getting rid of the poisons that we eat on our food every day.  It may take a while.  I am 3 months out on refraining form high fructose corn syrup and can still feel some impreovement, but you will feel a great deal better form the beginning.  Then you can get a better perspective on where you really stand psychologically.

 

Hope I helped someone.  I am not a doctor and can only state what I know and have experienced.

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The thing about keeping away from high fructose corn syrup is that you have to keep away from a lot of crap food automatically.

So I would propose that maybe it's not JUST high fructose corn syrup [i'm not even going to get into that debate- I don't have much of an opinion on it, to be honest], but it's possible you are eating a better diet overall. When you look at something like high fructose corn syrup, and whether staying off of it for a few months has made a difference, you should also look at any confounding factors. Your diet as a whole may have changed.

Diet in general can affect how we feel mentally, true.

But you don't develop severe mental illnesses which lead to major dysfunction from stuff like corn syrup.

Diet, exercise, environment, social contact, activity, schedule, medication, communication- so many things combine to make up our personal picture of mental health.

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That's certainly true in large part, although there are plenty of products that that use regular sugar instead. And HFCS is roughly the same as table sugar. I avoid both, but things like sriracha sauce and ketchup are gonna have a fair amount. Ditto salad dressings, and BBQ sauces (try finding a honey BBQ sauce without HFCS at your supermarket). If it's added to something it has no business being in, I won't buy it. And the food companies have managed to stick HFCS in damn near everything. So, as you said, avoiding HFCS tends to improve your diet. But as I mentioned, there is now a fair amount of HFCS-free stuff to satisfy the demand.

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