I am having a lot of problems. I am enrolled in a mental health program, and I (finally) see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks, but I am basically holding on my a thread until then, because it feels like my only hope.
I'm 34 and I still have no real diagnosis, because I've never been able to access medical care for long enough to get one. The current tentative one is Bipolar II with Eating Disorder in remission, but I've been given ADHD, GAD, OCD, OCPD, MDD in the past, plus Gender Dysphoria and some autoimmune activity as well. Also pretty deep poverty.
I am cripplingly depressed and dysfunctional. I've had repeated "bad periods" of my life, where I'll be previously be "neurotic but stable", but then start slipping downwards into complete non-function. When this happens I usually lose my job and my partner, and more than once my home and most of my personal possessions -- this has happened over and over. This current "bad period" started last summer, where I just started to feel a little more tired, but now I've had to drop out of everything in life since can barely leave the house, am increasingly suicidal. The only reason I'm not homeless this time is a family member stepped in to help my bills (which no one has ever done before). And the ED is starting to resurface after many years in remission because I literally can't afford to buy food and don't qualify for state assistance.
Some days I have overwhelming depression and hopelessness and can barely get out of bed. Some days I feel constant looming terror like something bad will happen and I'm afraid to leave my room. Some days I seem to be emotionally all over place. Some days I feel completely groggy, like my head is in a fog, and have difficulty making sentences or even playing solitaire. As far as I can see all of this is totally random and happens for no reason. However -- and this is big -- from the outside most people see nothing wrong. I'm never "sick enough" to have an "excuse" for my problems.
I've had several different brief periods with talk-therapy, usually 6 months max, and I hate them because they've never seemed to do anything beneficial. I talk about my feelings and do whatever little "tips" they tell me and then go home and nothing is changed. Currently I'm supposed to be doing "affirmations" (yet again) but I simply cannot -- they say that negative self-talk is "a self-fulfilling prophesy", but the fact is I didn't have negative self-talk when I was younger and first having problems. Every evidence of my adult life shows that I fail out of everything and can't function as an adult. I have zero confidence in myself because I have zero evidence of capability. I feel defective.
My mom and some other people are pushing me to get disability, but I've tried to tell them I don't even have a diagnosis -- being a dysfunctional loser isn't a legal disability. They are also pinning a lot of hopes on the Psychiatrist, as if taking a pill is the solution to all problems instantaneously. I know it doesn't work that way, because even if they put me on the "right" meds the first time around, they don't start working right away anyway. I'm enrolled in college but I am barely hanging on, and I don't know if my problems are going to get better fast enough to avoid getting kicked out. And if I lose that, I have absolutely nothing left in life.
I just wish I had an "explanation", and some "validation", but it feels like most people think that even if I do have genuine problems, they aren't actually bad enough to explain my dysfunctional life.
So I don't know what I'm asking or what kind of support I need right now.
Hi! I'm new to the board and I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post this. I was diagnosed with bipolar at age 20 but mostly I had depressive episodes. Some years later my episodes changed to light mood swings with hallucinations, delusions and "strange behavior" like wearing wigs and sunglasses to distract the people I thought was chasing me. In the current "episode" I have no mood alterations I just started to feel sure I was going to die soon. Like a hunch. Shortly after that I started seeing angels that visit me because I'm gonna die soon. I also hear a voice that tells me I'm about to die. I'm not depressed or manic I just feel my mind jumbled and confused. I was admitted in a psychiatric hospital but I checked out before they could diagnose (mostly because I needed my cigarrettes. I'm a chain smoker). I don't know if that's possible in America but here you can chek out of psychiatric hospitals pretty much whenever you want. Anyway, is this psychosis? Bipolar? Does my situation has a name?
Anyone else here have an autoimmune disease and bipolar disorder, or some other mental illness?
I'm obsessing over the possibility that maybe I'm not bipolar, and it's just the Hashimoto's thyroiditis (hypothyroidism) causing psychiatric symptoms to mimic mixed episodes of bipolar disorder. It's like I'm having an identity crisis. I've been bipolar for so long, that whether I like it or not it's become a part of my identity. And now I'm seeing all these stories online about people who were diagnosed with major mental illnesses only to be diagnosed with Hashimoto's later on, get treatment for their thyroid, and feel better mentally as well. The psychiatric issues were just symptoms of the autoimmune disease. Not that that made them any less serious, just needed a completely different treatment.
If my bipolar disorder is really a symptom of another disease, am I even really bipolar? Am I still going to have to take psychiatric medicines for the rest of my life?
Anyone else have an autoimmune disease like Hashimoto's? How do you relate that to your mental illness?
By Bostonian Aspergian
I was on a great path towards remission. Things were going great until last October when I had a fight with a friend who cut me out. Then my relationship with my girlfriend was getting strained due to finances. Then I stated to ruminate about my lack of a social life and how lonely I am. Also the typical signs of fall which is the season when my father died 6 years ago. So throw in parental grief into the mix.
Then the days stated to get shorter. And I stated to regress back into a dark place with suicidal thoughts triggered by the thought of never being able to talk to my ex BFF ever again, my failings with making new friends, and unresolved issues with my late father. Also my former friend asked me not to come back to the peer support group he runs. I have friends and social supports from ex-friends peer group.
About a a week and a half ago, the energy and life force evaporated. I stated oversleeeping or having bad bouts of insomnia. I have zero drive or motivation. It's definitely SAD affecting my MDD. I don't want to be this depressed, cranky, morose, or irritable. What should I change in my treatment plans to turn things around? I see a therapist for CBT. I'm overdue for a med review and adjustment. Currently on 20 mg Prozac, 75 mg bupropion, 50 mg lamactil, 10 mg ambien. I'm also binge drinking to drown out the negative thoughts and emotions.
This happens every year come October. What should I change in my meds or therapy to get my SAD and MDD back under control so that I can stop isolating myself, hiding in bed, drinking heavily, dreading living my life, and ruminating over cringe-worthy fails? I'm a mess. I worked so hard to get myself out of depression but all that work has evaporated. Help!
By Angeni Mai
I don't know how to feel ...
I got used to the idea that I was just stupid because my past haunts me but now I'm not and my past really is the issue, not my perception of it? I feel confused, angry, and a bit hurt that nobody believed me until this last IP stay.
Anybody else have this problem?