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Anodyne Oblivion

Angry because he stays out late

8 posts in this topic

My SO does something weekly that ends around 11:45pm. The people he does this job with are sort of friends. Sometimes he stays out until 3am. This enrages me. You should be done and heading home by midnight. If it's a particularly fun night, then fine, maybe heading home by 1:30

Is it inappropriate of me to be very angry because he's a grown adult that stays out ridiculously late on a week night? It's not really that I don't trust him; he hasn't given me a reason not to. I just think it's pathetic I guess? And he thinks I'm an asshole or a nag or something because I tell him I don't like it that he does that.

Am I out of line? Who the hell needs to be staying out that late? I just want to say 'You're not in college anymore FFS. Grow up.'

BTW, we are in our thirties.

He also stays up until 2 or 3 am on some work nights playing video games. I think it's pathetic. Then he wakes me up--me who NEEDS their sleep--when he comes to bed or comes home. He supposedly can function on 4 hours of sleep. I fucking cannot.

I'm probably extra pissed off because I'm over tired. I never fucking catch up on sleep. Often thanks to him.

If there was a second bedroom, I'd just move in there. He apparently doesn't give a shit about going to bed with me; he'd rather play.

Then when he's overtired the next day, he gets grumpy. I just want to figuratively sock him in the eye sometimes.....

Edited by Anodyne Oblivion

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I don't think that there is anything childish, irresponsible, or concerning about your SO staying out until 3 am. Some people are night owls, some are social butterflies, and some simply need less sleep and more stimulation than others.

You're right, you are both in your 30's and should be allowed to do what you want to do, as long as it doesn't negatively impact others. Since he's impacting you by waking you up when he gets home or done playing his video games (my hubby is 47 and still plays video games, so I don't think there's anything wrong with that.) I think you should address that in a calm manner. Determine how he wakes you up. Is it because you are a light sleeper and wake up automatically when he climbs in bed? If so, maybe he could sleep on the couch when he stays up late. Does he actually wake you up to talk when he gets home? Discuss the fact that it needs to stop.

I'm sure if you tell him the real reason you are upset about this, you two can work out a solution.

But you can't stop him from doing things he likes doing.

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Anodyne! Long time no see! I missed you.

My husband and I have an arrangement whereby he goes out some nights to hear live music and stays out til the bar closes, which admittedly gets him home more like 1:30 (we still have blue laws around here). I would rather have my eardrums ruptured with a knitting needle than go on one of these excursions, but he needs to get out of the house.

I've noticed that when I go out with a friend (me alone with one of my friends, not the two of us having dinner with another couple) that despite the fact that I never think it will, a normal evening easily stretches into 3 or 4 hours. I don't even drink more than 1 beer, and still, where does the time go? What the hell do we find to talk about for that long?

My level of need for social interaction is easily satisfied by doing something like that once every couple of months. Husband's is not. It doesn't mean he loves me any less. Just his brain is wired differently.

I would, however, be pissed as hell if he woke me when he came to bed. If that was the case he'd be sleeping in the guest room. I need my sleep or I go nuts. And I would be peeved if he took his temper out on me because he was wearing his crankypants from lack of sleep. Both of those issues need addressing. Calmly, when neither of you is tired out. That would be a good place to start.

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I wouldn't mind if my man stayed out late, but waking me when he came home would be a big no no! I have stayed out very late with friends, and I am a night owl, but I try not to disturb my man's sleep. I hope you can figure out some way to avoid being woken up like that.

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My husband also does a bit of this and we are also in out thirties and I don't see him as being rude or insensitive and so on. It took awhile for us to figure out our alone time / together time / and away time needs but once we did its been smooth sailing. But you really have to hash it out.

One thing I'd suggest re: video games is to see if you can make some of that time into together time if you can / want to. I hate playing most games and looking at the screen even for the ones where you wander around makes me queasy. But what we do it he'll play games and I will knit or draw or whatever. So we are still able to talk but also doing our own thing. If the video noise gets to me or i want to sleep and he wants to stay up he will wear headphones but we will be in bed. Just a thought.

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He's actually great, Titania. Best human being I've ever known. Saved me from myself and continues to nurture me.

I'll chalk up my outburst to my BPD issues. My anger was out of proportion. It very much pisses me off, but it shouldn't bring a person to the point where they want to smash and break everything within sight.

He makes me a better person <3

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