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goldskittle

Any other adult cutters out there?

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I'm 26 and even though I stopped for 7 years I,ve started up again.

I know I'm repeating sentiments others have said already, but it's good to know I'm not the only adult who does this.

I'm not alone.

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I'm 51 going on 52 and still cut when stressed out. Like this past year I los my dog, husband, best friend and in the last three months 3 cats all have died!!! What else is there but to cut to ease the pain and feel again. So all alone. I keep a Bill of Rights for cutter's to show to the cops so they don't haul me away on a legal 2000 but that doesn't always work. so at least once a month I'm hauled off for my secret passion...cutting!! You are never really alone when it comes to cutting there is more of us than you think.

 

 

 

 

 

bipolar II ; Major Depression; GAD; PTSD;BPD w/self harm; some I don't care or want to remember

Geodon 1320mgs; wellbutrin 400mgs; xanax 1mg (up to 6);  Clonipin 2.5 mgs (Not worth it); Trazadone( For sleep); Morphine (For chronic pain)

Edited by amicyco2

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I'm 24 and have been struggling with self-harm since I was about seven.  It wasn't cutting back then - I started off with head-banging, moved to biting and hair-pulling, and started cutting at around 15.  I had stopped successfully for several years when I was around 21, but recently things have gotten tough lately and I have unfortunately started cutting again.

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I'm 35 and have had self harm issues since 12 or 13. I went almost two years without cutting, which was a long time for me. Unfortunately with a lot of unnecessary added stress these last two weeks, I let it get the better of me again. It wasn't the only impulse I've acted on lately and I feel angry with myself for falling back into old habits. It has me really down because I feel like I'm no better off than I was when I was twenty years ago and that this is just the way I'm always going to be. I posted in the therapy section about my bad new psychiatrist and this all started after my last appointment. All the therapy work I've done the last couple years and now I'm just, wondering if it even helped much. It is nice to know there are other adults who still have issues with this.

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I'm 26 and I relasped and cut again yesterday, I was honest and told my bf about it but it didnt go over well because I'm too old to do stupid stuff like this. I just wanted support from him but I didnt get it, Its really hard when you get into the depressed mood and cant get out of it. It's very hard. We all have to hang in there and be strong.

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I know I've said this on another thread.


amicyco2, I think it's good that you keep information about your symptoms and compassionate care on you. 

 

However, a bill of rights for people who self injure will never override the legal power of police to detain you if they think you are at risk of harm to yourself or someone else. They are mandated by their jobs to have you evaluated by a qualified professional. It would be nice to have self harm seen as a coping skill that isn't very useful in the long run. However, most police officer's either aren't interested or don't have the resources to educate themselves that much in this area.

 

It's true that you have the right to use self harm if you choose. It's also true that other people, especially people who have a legal mandate to protect, have the right to have you evaluated by an appropriate professional.

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i self harm and instead of self harming today i changed my sleepers to a bone ring. felt better to do this than cut or burn.

Edited by The 3 Me's

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Ive done well and not self harmed for a month. Finding ways to distract myself or obsess on something else.

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Way to go!!!!

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I'm 30 and started when I was 17. I have periods of sobriety, but now is not one of them.

 

Just a note...I used to find that when I was so concerned about how many days I got, the pressure built and built and in turn the guilt was way worse when I relapsed. I had to learn to let go of counting how long it had been and focus on other things. Easier said than done.

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I'm 34 and still cut also. The first time I cut, I was around 9ish years old. I don't think I know what I was doing or why I was doing it, from what I could remember. Just remember lots of emotions and just doing it. Then I started again around 17 when a lot of bad stuff was going on. Went on for a few years, then I developed an ED. It was sporadically on and off until I recovered from AN a few years ago, now I'm back to it and a mess again. 

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Wow... feel very relieved to know im not crazy and there are other adults out there. I started when I was 14 and stopped when I was 22. I got married young, had kids young, thought everything was great! The urge slowly faded and life was good. For awhile... Now im 27, divorced with two little girls and cutting again. I feel like everything in life just came crashing down all at once about 4 months ago and the only thing that I knew would numb some of the pain was si. I love my kids but everything else is just too hard to deal with. Started again just after News Years... great resolution right? < *yes that was sarcasm*

Edited by BeautifulMisery

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I started as an adult. I'm 35 now, and I started cutting around 32…so not overly long ago…and I was definitely old enough to know better.  It was a very conscious decision.  I was in the middle of what I think was a depressive episode (I'm not *yet* diagnosed bipolar…but I'm close, I think).  I was in SO MUCH emotional pain I couldn't take it anymore.  I was also starting to really deal with the fact that I'm not straight…and deciding how to handle that.  It was to much to handle, and I just went for it.  The relief was almost instant…and it quickly became an addiction.  

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av self injured since i was 13 ...am now 37  the longest av ever stop for  was 7 months  that was a few years ago when things where going well  but things got harder 

and then i started again   

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I'm 35, started self harming at 15 or so.  I haven't cut for a year and a half, i think.  I've also caused major bruising on my arms, but not in the last couple of years.  The last cutting episode resulted in a major wound and scar.  I really scared myself; should have had it medically attended to, etc.  I took pretty good care of the wound, and my pdoc gave me tips on how to reduce scar tissue.  My meds help, but I do still occasionally consider self harming again.  

 

Sometimes I feel strange still having these urges way past being a teen.  I'm glad, and sorry, that I'm not alone in this.

 

h

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Gold, I am a recovered cutter. I would cut for the same reasons...to quiet my emotions when they became overwhelming. I would not advise it for anyone as a coping mechanism because the scars do pose a problem...I am not looking forward to having to explain them to my son. I can't explain how I actually managed to stop...I had been cutting for about 15 years. I think it was a combination of factors-the right meds, a strong support network, and knowing how much it upsets my husband. I know that I still had those urges for a long time. It has been two years about since I cut, though, and the thought doesn't cross my mind much these days. I hope you can find something else that works to quiet your mind.

Edited by epiphanyanon

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Agreed. When I started cutting again, I turned to the internet to find information on the topic. Most of the information was geared towards the teen age. I finally did find some helpful information on a UK research site regarding adults that cut. You see, I am 49. I had cut as a teenager, a few times throughout the past years, but unfortunately returned to it as my coping method about a year ago. When the urges first came back to me, I thought I was probably the only adult that cut- don't we all feel like that?! However I found that I was certainly not alone. Just to find that there others out there has helped. Have I overcome this and replaced this coping method in my life? No. Do I try to overcome it? Certainly. I guess the first big step was realizing that I am NOT alone in this. As I have read through various posts, I am always amazed to hear things that I can so relate to in my own situation. Yes, adults struggle with SI. Adults from every walk of life, some rich, some poor, some highly educated, some not, some with high paying professions, some that don't have a job. We all struggle, we all fight through the urges, sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't. Here we all share a common goal, to overcome this unhealthy coping method. No one is perfect and sometimes some of us take longer than others, but the main thing is knowing that YOU are not alone in this.

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I know that self harm is associated with teens.

 

But I've been reading here and I see a lot of very strong men and women dealing with some very difficult things. Because being an adult can be really lonely, really, we all think we are supposed to have our shit together and be perfect. Being an adult is perceived to be about coping and being an example. My respect goes to anyone who is living in torment and keeps getting up every day, every last one of you. It is hard to be that weary and keep going for everyone else.

 

This is beautiful…and it means a lot.  I needed to read something like this. Thank you. 

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Wow! I can't believe that I'm about to post this. I don't remember the first time I cut myself, or why. I'm sure it wasn't for the same reasons I do it now. I am 26 and started cutting myself about 2 months ago. I never did it when I was young, despite great harrasment and emotional pain. It started out accidentally. I was at work and, under a lot of stress from home and work. I was fixing a vinyl fence post when the back of my hand caught an edge that had been cut (very sharp). As I watched my hand start to bleed, I felt a stange sense of relief. I didn't know why, but seeing the blood helped. I needed more. As I was cleaning rock out a fence post hole, I grabed the sharpest rock I could find. I tried cutting across my fingers to make it look like a work injury. The rock wasnt sharp enough. I kept grabing sharp rocks and trying again. I just wanted to bleed. If I could just bleed I would feel better, I thought. I deserved to bleed I told myself. I was finally able to find a rock sharp enough, and after a few strong cuts, I started to bleed. God it felt good.

 

After that I started using a carving knife I have. I still use it. I get an even greater satisfaction from sharpening it myself before I cut myself. I would usually cut my knuckles, and the back of my hand cause I could do that while I was driving. Then I started on my knees anytime I wore shorts. Basicly anywhere I could easily get to while in the car. At first nobody said anything. Even when my wife cared for the blisters on my hand, she said nothing. After having a couple of beer once, I cut my knee so bad blood ran halfway down my leg. Even as I sat and watched TV, my family passing by, blood on my legs, they said nothing. I wasn't trying to show them, but I think I hoped they would at least ask what happened and try to help me. My nephews were the first to say anything about it; about 3 weeks after starting, both knees now covered in cuts. I told them it was from the fence I was building at work. I told my wife the same thing when she finally asked. It was the only time she ever asked. She still doesn't know. I realized I would get no help from them. They could never understand.

 

One last time I tried getting help. I was having a campfire with my best friend. I had just enough beer to get me talking, but not enough to loose control over what I said. I eased into it, to test his reaction. Didn't want to jump right in and get blasted by him. I casually mentioned how I can't tell my wife that I cut. No reaction. Just scilence. "Wow," I thought. Not even my cop best friend is going to say or do anything. I guess I really am alone.

 

So now I cut where they can't see; upper legs, above my shorts; sholders and chest, under my shirt. My wife and I rarelly ever have sex anymore, and when we do it's in the dark, so she never sees the fresh cuts, or the scars. She thinks people who have thoughts of suicide are selfish. She won't admit that she has caused much of my depression. I feel like she doesn't even know me. How could she?

 

I do have Sonja. She understands me, and I can talk to her. She's a lot like me. She's been down the same roads I have. But she lives on the other side of the world from me. All I have are her messages. I can't hold her when 'm week. I can't feel her gentle had on my scars and wounds. I can't hear her soothing voice. Stil, she comforts me when I need it. Somehow she has filled at least part of the hole in me. I want to leave this place and go to her. She's the only person I can trust with this secret of mine. She's the only one I can be 100% myself around. And I think she's the only one who could stop me in the midst of my storm.

 

Sorry for the extended post. I really didn't intend on it being that long. I find a comfort and an outlet in writing. I tend to get caught up in my writing.

 

The worst part of all this...I don't want to stop. I like the feeling I get when I cut. I like seing the scars. I like seeing the blood. I like controling my pain. Cause pain is better than nothing at all.

Edited by MidnightRiot

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You are welcome to post here, Midnight.

 

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. Is there a function that self harm serves for you? I wonder what other ways you might be able to meet your needs that would cause you less emotional turmoil.

 

If you haven't read the specific forum guidelines for posing on this part of CB, please take a moment to do so. They are pinned at the top of the forum and here's a handy link.

 

Two things I wanted to point out. First is that this is a place for talking about self harm in the context of recovery. We are here to help each other get better rather than support each other in our less healthy choices. The second is that descriptions of self harm, including specific tools and locations of self harm get close to being more graphic than is helpful for a recovery-focused forum.

 

I hope that you can use this board as a place to find resources and alternatives to be more safe and healthy.

 

It also sounds like you are considering leaving your spouse for someone you've only had contact with on the internet. A lot of people have found that making major life altering decisions while in a state of heightened emotions rarely ends well. 

 

I definitely understand the desire to be comforted by someone whom you feels "really gets you". I would hate for you to walk away from what you have here and now only to learn your expectations don't match up with reality.

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@ Riot...

 

Um...

I'm going to say this, and I really, really hope I'm not off-base here...Nor am I a mental health professional.

 

The cutting and the emotional affair appear to me to be...temporary stabilizing measures in what sounds like a marriage you're not at home in.

The problem remains.

 

Do you think couple's counseling might be worth a try to fix your marriage? If so I urge you to try. In fact, I urge you to try to actively work on the marriage intensely.

 

You see...

I started cutting again after a long abstinence when I married my ex, and at one point would cut after every argument.  Arguments were daily by that point.

...It took me a decade for some reason to figure out my ex and I loved each other very much, yet had no business being married.

 

Prior to the end, I worked very hard to fix my marriage for a time.

Then I finally asked the right question.

And I found that we were fundamentally incompatible all along.

 

...My own wish for you is that you find happiness within your marriage...OR that you find a clear indicator that you will never be able to find happiness in your marriage, and so bring it to a decisive end.

 

The palliatives-Sonya and the cutting-while they are likely lowering your agony level...they are not fixing the problem.

 

...I say all the above ( and keep in mind it's really an educated guess )because I think you might be in a toxic marriage like I was.

I could very well be wrong, you know?

 

My regret, with my definitely toxic and emotionally-abusive marriage, was not getting out faster.

Trying to fix it helped me to see how bad it really was.

This is why I urge you to go for couple's counseling and to otherwise try to actively work on the marriage.

 

I'm not saying this will be easy, but you're so unhappy that you're slicing yourself up like a cured salami...and  a big part of that is your wife, as you said...

 

A book I can recommend is "Too good to stay, too bad to leave," by Mira Kirschenbaum.

 

Best of luck, and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Edited by Stickler

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I had self-harmed in various ways in my teens, but never cut until I was 19-20 I think.

Now, I am still in recovery, and having someone understanding like my boyfriend has helped. He is also a recovering self-harmer who also started in adulthood, but that's because his mental health started affecting him in his early 20's.

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I was 13 when I started cutting, ten years ago. I stopped when I was 16, did it twice when I was 19, and my most recent cuts (on my thighs) I did a year ago, at 22 years old. I'm hoping that was the last time. I don't want any more scars! I still occasionally get the urge but instead of reaching for a blade I reach for a glass of wine now, which has caused plenty of other problems. I've replaced cuts with alcohol. I'm an alcoholic now. I have alcohol induced 'black outs' about twice a week. I almost killed myself when I was wasted last year. Maybe the cutting wasn't so bad after all.

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