snugglepuss

Husband wants divorce b/c he's "not straight"

16 posts in this topic

So my husband said he likes men dressed as women and he's "not straight." He added that he's unhappy in the marriage and doesn't want to be married, anymore. I'm crushed. He gave me this news last Monday. We were together 9 years and married 7.5 of them. I'm absolutely devastated.

I want so badly to fix our marriage and what's keeping my spirits up right now is the hope for reconciliation. At first I was trying to be realistic, but it hurt to much that I would just spend all day crying. The next day I went to work, I cried pretty much all day.

I am starting to look forward to the future. I want to moved into a full time position with my company, get into debt counseling, get into a manager trainee program and hopefully get a better job. My goal is that by next year we're back together and I'm more independent and ambitious than I have been before.... So, what does this have to do with being gay? I don't know.

Anyone else go through a situation where their gay spouse/partner left them? How did you cope? How do I get over my fantasies of reconciliation?

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I never lost a spouse due to that issue, but I have had my (ex) wife simply say she wanted a divorce and was unwilling to work on the marriage. Later I found out that she was having an affair with someone else. So I do know that it is INCREDIBLY painful, and my heart goes out to you.

I think it is quite normal to cry ... even cry all day. I wound up having a breakdown and ended up in the hospital because of what I went through. I cried for two days straight in the hospital and to this day I cannot really remember those days.

I hope you are stronger than me. My therapist taught me that I should get angry and stop crying so I will leave you with the same advice. He's not worth it, and you have a right to be pissed because you were led on all those years. I wish you all the best.

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Well I can only tell my side, I'm the spouse that had to leave. My issue came from being indoctrinated at a young age at chuch and the fact that being gay was never brough up in a good light at home or in school. So I did what was expected, lived the life my parents wanted of me. Met my eventual husband at 15 and dated all through high school and college, then got married. Now in college I came out as bi, no issue. But I had already had inclings that things werent right,bubt I ignored them, because of course I cant be gay. So while in college I did have an experience with another girl, that my bf knew of and encouraged. So I already knew something was up. But still had to be what was expected. So after we got married, about 3 years in my feeling surface and I cant igmore them anymore. So in your husbands case it could be a long hidden secret, I dont know.

But I dont know that my ex husband who I still love dearly and we are friends, moved on, went back to school and just this semester got accepted into the professional school for pharmacy, I am so happy for him.

I dont know if any of that helped, but thats kinda my story

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My apologies if this isn't helpful in the slightest...but I remembered reading an article about this and that the article mentioned support groups for people in this position. It's http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php. I can't vouch for it, having never been in your situation...but if you find yourself hitting the point where you want to talk to others who have experienced it, there might be a way there.

I can't imagine what it would feel like. To some degree you have all the heartache that comes with a separation--but you add the extra sexual orientation layer on top of it. Maybe people who have been through a separation, even if not due to this specific reason, will have things to share like the posters above me. My thoughts are with you.

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If he's finally coming out to himself and others as not straight, then no, you won't be doing yourself any favours by holding out for getting back together. Easier said than done.

I was in a... completely different situation, but, a similar theme or two. I am transgender, I did not want to leave my former partner, but he could not handle being with me anymore as he is straight. He had thought he could do it, because I am the same person you know? But once the physical aspects were really driven home for him that was it.

Anyway, I mention this because I know it's painful to feel rejected for what is essentially an inner essence of who you are. You are a woman, and he is a man who is not straight. I am a guy, I have always been a guy, and my ex is a guy who is straight.

I don't have support resources for you, not specifcally, but I want to express my deep condolences for your situation. You have every right to be devestated and to morn. A good tdoc would likely also be invaluable right now. Do you have a tdoc?

Eventually, over time, and at your own pace, you will be able to move ahead with *your* life. Heck, I think your future plans are great, perfect even - except for the part where you two are back together. Because you can't plan for that. You really have no control over it at all. But getting involved in things like improving your living situation and moving up at work are *great,* seriously.

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Thank you for all your feedback. Your kind words and empathetic responses help me process this painful situation. I'm still stunned and not coping well.

To those who are following: Yes, I have a tdoc. I saw him twice last week.

I'm also starting to lose my mind a little bit. I'm having delusions every day. They are little. The first one was that we were going to renew our vows on our anniversary, another is that I thought he died. Another is while I was at the bank, I saw a spark and thought I was hypnotized by the banker. And, another is a little more complicated. My period was late so I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. AFTER I took it, I had a delusion that I took it apart and drew a line so it looked positive and then showed it to mormon missionaries on bikes. lol. I had that delusion immediately and I kept looking at the negative test and I hadn't drawn a line or taken it apart. I just threw it out.

Good news about the manager trainee program: I was promoted to manager at my call center. I only have to work part time.

I'm seeing my pdoc later b/c SSDI is mandating a review to see if I still qualify for disability. I would be crushed if I had to go back to work full time at this point in my life. I wanted to get by w/ disability, alimony and my part time job. When it rains, it pours.

While I'm seeing my pdoc, I'm going talk about adjusting my meds.

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snugglepuss -

I'm sorry you're facing this. If there are issues in your marriage making him unhappy and he is using the angle of claiming to be gay as a "no one's at fault" way out of the relationship, then counseling may help you resolve it. If he is actually accepting a new realization about himself, that he is in fact gay, no amount of counseling is going to change that. I very strongly recommend to you the following book:

Grever, Carol. My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving The Crisis. Freedom, CA, The Crossing Press, 2001.

Stay strong. We're here if you need us.

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I'm not sure if this necessarily means he's gay or not, actually.  Don't try to question his sexuality, because if he is certain he's gay, then he is.  Liking "men dressed up as women" doesn't necessarily mean he's gay in and of itself though.  I actually went through a similar thing with liking a girl that was transgender (and still wanted to keep everything), and I was really infatuated with her..... and still haven't been able to forget her despite her having ditched me months ago.  Given that, I kind of wondered if I could be gay because of that, but I realized that I really only feel a connection with women rather than men.  Anyways though, being attracted to a transgender female isn't really necessarily indicative of being anything other than straight.  Is he interested in MEN dressed as women or a transgender female?  There's a big difference between the two.  The former is a man that is simply wearing women's clothing, the latter actually is FEMALE in the body of a male. 

Edited by Steve223

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I've never been married so it's not quite the same, but I've dated plenty of girls who told me after a long time (2 years even) that they weren't gay and wanted a man. It is devastating, and crushed my heart. 

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On 5/10/2016 at 10:48 PM, Steve223 said:

Is he interested in MEN dressed as women or a transgender female?  There's a big difference between the two.  The former is a man that is simply wearing women's clothing, the latter actually is FEMALE in the body of a male. 

This is an important clarification, as liking trans women isn't the same as liking a man in clothing generally seen as female. But in this case, I think the important part is that he's self-identifying as not-straight, so chances are that he has other clues towards this point that he might not be divulging. I feel like someone would want to be certain before calling off a marriage, you know?

Gender is a hurdle in attraction. Even if someone is amazing, and you care about them, if they aren't the gender you're attracted to, you just may be unable to love them romantically. Some people have exceptions, but not everyone. As a lesbian who dated a bigender person, I found myself attracted to them only when they were female-identified. When they were in what they referred to as "boy mode" it was like being hit by a bucket of cold water. They were the same person, but gender made all the difference.

It could be that your husband cares about you. You could be compatible in a million ways. But that doesn't change the fact that you're not the gender he wants to be with. Letting go of love is so hard, especially when marriage is involved. But this isn't the end. It doesn't mean you're not amazing. It isn't about you being independent or ambitious. It's about something fundamentally incompatible. Take time to grieve this relationship. Maybe talk to other people who have gone through divorce. Talk to your therapist. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. You'll get through this.

Also, as a point of hope: my mom was married to someone before marrying my dad. She met my dad at 39 and they've been married for 26 years. There's life and love after divorce.

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I apologize in advance, because I'm about to play onto both sides here.

He might actually just now be figuring out who he is, and that is possibly a gay man. As someone who is apart of the GLBTQ community, with friends/past friends of each of those lettering, except Q, I know that there's a difference between genderqueer/genderfluid, transgender, transvestite, and transsexual.

Someone who is transgender, does not feel like they are truly the gender they are born as. These individuals generally get gender re-assignment surgery, take HRT, etc to become who they really feel they are.

Someone who is a transvestite, dresses in the clothing of the opposite sex, because they feel most comfortable in doing so.

A transsexual is also someone, who feels like they weren't the gender they were born as, but a lot of doctors say this is caused by a "nuerological condition." But, who knows.

It sounds like your husband might be into transvestite males. But, he could also be into a transgender woman for all anyone knows....

I've never been married, I'm only 20 and my current boyfriend and I've not been together too terribly long. but, I do have a friend who's sort of in a reverse situation, if you will.

My friend is a MtF transgender, whom hasn't gone through HRT, etc yet. He's actually more genderfluid right now than anything, because he does go back and forth in gender. There are days he dresses female and identifies as such, with his female name, and vice versa. His current partner is a FtM, trans male. His partner isn't straight though, he's gay. So his partner, also likes men. While my friend, likes other trans people such as himself. Which sort of, technically, makes him, pansexual? But maybe homosexual? His main goal is to one day get on HRT and become a woman. Completely and entirely.

I don't know how far into the relationship did he find out his spouse did not want to be with a woman, but with a man. But they also had been married for a very long amount of time as well. I know he's heartbroken, especially since his spouse happens to also be a complete asshole. He's nothing but loyal too, I might add.

People are who they are, when it comes to sexual orientation there really is no "fixing" a person. I grew up going to church and of course was basically told to "pray the gay away." as a bisexual female. Some people do not realize until later in life what they are into. Not everyone "finds themselves" in college. 

while this does hurt you and I completely understand, if he did know this entire time, he may not have felt comfortable confronting his true feelings. Men have it a lot harder than us women apparently when coming out, because women "can be fluid in their sexuality" but if a man does "anything" that is "relatively gay" he's labeled as such. that's just modern day sexism right there, and it's been that way for a long time. sadly. there are still people who do not like the thought of a gay man, or woman, etc. It's not "normal" to them. And all those people are straight, of course. 

 

the reality is going to be that reconciliation really is probably not going to happen, if he's gay, or into transvestite men. I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

If he did know this whole time, and just didn't care how you felt THAT is shitty of him. if he knew of his feelings and ventured out, and was with men while you were married, that is also shitty.

 

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in order to feel better about the situation, talk to your doctor.

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1 hour ago, ladyboss said:

in order to feel better about the situation, talk to your doctor.

 

I think the OP has already told us they see a therapist.

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Posted (edited)

I think you need to take time to do some major soul searching. I think your plans are amazing, but at the same time you are forgetting to nurture yourself and take your time. You really need to get involved in something that relaxes you, but if like a self-indulgent. Save up money and travel (if you ever wanted to travel), join a group that taste food from other culture, just do something that you always wanted to do, but I think it has to be a hobby that helps you explore yourself. 

You are at crossroads in your life where you are redefining yourself and finding who you are again in your social surrounding. It is also a time where you are figuring out what you want your next relationship to be after the divorce is finalized or how long you would like to take a break. 

Really nurture and care for yourself. This is probably a major shock and Major shocks can really unravel you. This is a time to know your limitations right now because taking on too much may increase the pain of this heartbreak without even realizing it. 

Wish you the best. There is a place called emptycloset that can help you. It's an LGBT place, but many people that probably been in your husband shoes and can help you understand and accept his perspective of why he must start a new chapter in his life. 

 

Also netflix has a show called Grace and Frankie....it has a similar theme to the situation even though the women who are going through what you are going through on this show are older. It may help you.

Edited by CherryBlossom

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Thanks to all who have taken the time to offer advice. I should point out, however, that the OP posted this thread in 2012 and has not been back, at least not as that username, for five years. Feel free to carry on the discussion if it pertains to your own situations, but otherwise this is a necro thread. 

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Posted (edited)

As someone who's gay, I know the pain it feels like to take that first step and admit to the ones you love. If you want him in your life, your best bet is to become his best friend. He'll never be your husband again, but he can be the best person in your life still if you let him. Give him time and space and talk to him gently. I wish you the best of luck.

 

EDIT: Realized necro thread. Oh well, still stands.

Edited by Alien Navel Cord
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