So basically im dead inside.
I currently being emotionaly dull, i cant feel any motivation or desire to live, despite that im still doing my everyday things, going to college, working out, doing my usual duties and chores.
The thing is that i have an schizoid disorder, and im very paranoid.
I posted in addiction because one of the most destructive things is my addction to many things.
I smoke, not weed, regular cigarettes, the thing is that my parents think that i quited smoking but i dont, i wanna quit to, i hate it, and i hate it because my parents are well known religious leaders in my town and a lot of people know them and know me, when i smoke outside im always paranoid, i dont wanna live this way, my paranoia is getting worse but i always end up smoking again because my friends smoke and i always fall but i wanna quit.
If my parents get to know that i still smoke they probably stop paying my colleges fees, a lot of people know them and can snitch on me.
I have this fight, i cant keep going anymore, at the same time smoking helps me cope whit my side effectos made by my antipsychotics, but they dont understand, they always judge merciless even do im an adult in my twenties.
Can anyone give advice, all advice is very helpful.
I’ve been dealing with major depressive disorder and anxiety for several years now. I’ve read a lot of books on psychology and neurology. But I’ve only recently started seeing a psychiatrist. I was getting prescriptions from general physicians. Currently I’m on Wellbutrin and it works great for my depression but my anxiety still shows up. I told my doctor that it feels like an under-lying current. The anxiety is constant but I keep it at bay. He prescribed me Seroquel 25mg. Today is my second day on it. I don’t think I really knew how to describe my anxiety before today because today my brain feels silent. It’s like before there was a constant negative voice, my own voice - I guess, that would always repeat any negative thought I ever had. All my doubts were vocalized by this voice. I’ve never described it as a voice before because I always associated it with just thoughts. But today those thoughts are not there. I’m calm and that’s weird. So my question is, is it really anxiety?
Hello spokety here. I'm a sufferer of neuroleptic (anti-psychotic) induced "anhedonia." I don't enjoy anything anymore, I don't feel pleasure. I don't feel happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, or any other emotions. I've lost my libido (sex drive) completely. I'm not able to understand movies I watch, or read books anymore. Food doesn't taste nearly as good anymore. I have no energy or desire to do anything, I have lost all my physical strength and stamina, I can't laugh, can't cry, can't sing or dance anymore, and I can't enjoy music. I'm sick of living but I'm too afraid to commit suicide. I'm not depressed, it's not the illness and if you're thinking about commenting that please don't waste your time. And yes I've tried more then one anti-psychotic, and it has nothing to do with that. I'm looking for other people who have been damaged by the medication and are in a desperate state for recovery, if you have please respond.
It's been a little over two weeks since I broke up with him. Right now I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions, from happy to depressed to angry. Everyone I know is happy I split up with him, they don't understand how hard it's been for me. With the holidays everyone has been busy and I barely have anyone I can talk to about it. It just all around sucks.
I met him in May, when he moved into my building (lesson #1: don't date anyone in your apartment building). His reputation in town preceded him and I went out of my way to avoid him. I knew his sister and mother, whom are both schizophrenic, on meds and doing okay. I'd heard he had it too but that he refused treatment for it. So I knew that going in.
By the end of June, we were hanging out a lot. When you think of paranoid schizophrenia, he truly could be the poster child for it. I honestly had never seen untreated schizophrenia so it was completely new for me. He was full of delusions, paranoia and sometimes auditory hallucinations. But it wasn't that horrible and he turned out to be really nice, extremely funny and smart and a total cuddle bug. We had so much fun together.
I think in July, it became a relationship. It was mostly good. We rarely argued and when we did it was over stupid stuff and only lasted a few minutes. We were sleeping at each other's apartments, eating meals together, drinking together a lot (he's an alcoholic, I'm a binge drinker, I know, not good), taking day trips around the area, etc. It was just a lot of fun.
Over September, October and November, I could tell his schizophrenia was getting worse. I mean, he has sets of good and bad days, but it just seemed he was starting to experience more of the bad than he was when we were first together. He's convinced people (especially cops) are hiding out in the ceiling tiles, people are breaking into his place, people are in the hall when there is nobody there, that the police are plotting to put him in prison, the government is after him, that all the tenants have keys to his apartment and come in when he's gone, etc. When ever he gets zits on his back, he's convinced they are RF resistors that the gov't has implanted in him. That he has to get them out. He'd spend sometimes hours in front of the mirror, with a steak knife, digging into his back until he had basically bloody craters. The amount of scarring on his back, shoulders and upper arms shows how long that has been going on. He won't even take a tylenol for a headache, because he thinks the govt puts trackers in them, etc.
He also believes that mental illness doesn't exist. At all. And that there is nothing wrong with him. That everyone else is wrong and only he is right. There is nothing you can say to even crack any of what he believes. It just is.
He's had a lot of run ins with the police in places he's lived. The part that worries me the most though, is that he's also armed. He keeps a loaded hand gun in his apartment. The cops are aware he has it but they can't do anything about it.
So anyways, by December it was getting to be too much. He was getting distant, arrogant, angry, staying up sometimes for days at a time and our sex life was gone. Then, I realized I'd become part of the delusions. He started blaming me for being in his apartment when he wasn't there (I don't have a key, I never did have one), putting up cameras to spy on him. After accusing me multiple times, I finally had to walk away. I have so much of my own stuff to deal with anyhow. I realized how much more stress I was absorbing from him. I'd been walking on eggshells, not sure which version of him I was going to get on any given day.
Walking away was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because of my BPD and how it used to really wreck my life (before CBT, DBT, meds, etc.), I spend over a decade alone, because I didn't want to mess anyone else up with my stuff. That was until I met him in May. So it was a really big deal for me to open up enough to let someone in. And he really helped me so much and I got really close to him. Then it was just... gone.
It hit me really hard a few days after I broke up with him and I OD'd and ended up in the hospital for almost a week. I've been home now for four days. I'm still trying to get my head straightened out after all this. I don't hate him, I know he's ill. I'm just really hurt and trying to sort through it all.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent.
Because of my extremely negative reactions to almost all the AP injections down the list, my probation officer and my psych are allowing me to switch to an oral medication for my last month on probation before I graduate. They know it's not even a risk if I didn't take it (which I'm going to) because it usually takes me many months to a year for me to become symptomatic and have a relapse. I'm not one of those type of people who relapse in less than a week or even a month. So this Tuesday, I have an appointment with my psych to discuss my options with the oral medications.
According to my psych and what I know, I'm very responsive to low doses of anti-psychotics, almost becoming completely rational in a few hours of taking Zyprexa 2.5mg or Abilify 2mg. However, I'm also very sensitive at the same time and experience severe amounts of Akathisia that last all day from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep. I could pace back and forth all day if there were no interruptions. I feel like I want to jump through a ceiling or run through a glass door to alleviate the constant need to be moving. We have tried everything from Cogentin, Artane, Propanolol, Clonazepam, Benadryl, and now Gabapentin 600mg 3x per day and all it's doing is helping with my anxiety and stabilizing my mood but not relieving the Akathisia. The counteractive drugs simply don't work for me. Never did. They're to weak compared to the agent that's causing the Akathisia.
I saw a commercial over the summer that claims that Fanapt has a lower Akathisia risk than other atypical anti-psychotics but I'm not entirely sure. It seems that Fanapt has to be taken twice a day and is recommended at at least 6mg after the 1mg starting dose. I want something that can remain low. I've also read that Seroquel, at the higher doses, like 400mg to 800mg can treat schizophrenia with less of the Parkinson like side effects. I've discussed this with my psych and he says he wants to keep Seroquel as a last resort because of its low efficacy. He may not be realizing that I don't have the average type of schizoaffective disorder (if that exists). He's fearing that my claims of the extremely low-dose oral meds while I was in jail is not a true account.
So. conclusively, what is the best option for a schizoaffective patient who's highest priority is ridding the Akathisia while still taking the medication consistently? I don't care about the 100% efficacy or having some symptoms. I just want the ******** akathisia gone. I also have other side effects from this crap they've been sticking in my arm for the last 15 months such as Weight Gain, Gynecomastia (just won a huge lawsuit against Janssen Pharmaceuticals for Invega), Sedation, Fatigue, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Anhedonia, Throat Swelling, Involuntary Eye Movements, and Suicidal Ideation. Just to name a good amount of them. Please help me as my appointment takes place later this week and I want more knowledge going into it. Thanks