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I won't commit suicide, but I can't take care of myself

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I am struggling with everything lately. I can't take care of myself, my hygiene is horrible, I have no appetite at all. I don't want to be around anyone, even my family. Everything is making me feel bad, I cry almost everyday now. I have no self esteem at all right now. I'm afraid it is affecting my youngest, because sometimes I can't hide what is going on. I am literally a mess. My hair is one big snarl, I haven't bathed in I don't know how long.

I just saw my pdoc last Tuesday, and she added buspar, because I wasn't nearly as depressed as I was anxious. Now it seems the opposite is true. She doesn't want to go up any higher on the zoloft because of the risk of mania. I am already on that, remeron, and trazadone, but the remeron and trazadone are mostly for sleep.

I can't bring myself to meditate, open a workbook, be mindful, all my coping skills are not working. All I want to do is be here on CB and support others who are feeling like shit themselves. I feel horrible guilt about everything that I've ever done wrong, or failed at. I tried searching for therapists today, but none specialize in the therapy I like most (ACT.) It seems overwhelming to have to go to another appointment, as I already see my pdoc every 2 weeks now, because I am so fucked up.

I don't even get out of bed until 2,3, sometimes 4 pm. My kids are gone until at least 4, so I just keep going back to sleep. My sleep schedule is off and even if I stay up through the night to reset it, it always goes back to me being nocturnal. I hear something about delayed sleep syndrome, or something like that, but I have never mentioned it to my pdoc because I didn't want her to deny the disorder (if it even a disorder.)

But, that's the least of my worries right now. What should I be doing that I haven't already tried? I've even thought about sending SO out to score some coke. I don't think he would do that, though I can usually get him to do anything for me.

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You r the boss of this disease ....you have power within yourself to cope and defet...hold onto hope, don't ever let go. It takes time and the sun will shine on you as the beautiful person that you are!

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Have you thought about some more drastic steps such as talking to your pdoc about a med overhaul? I mean, I know you've tried a lot of meds, but no one can try every possible combo of every med. perhaps a med that isn't so well known for its anti-depressive qualities (but great for general mood stabilization) could be introduced? Also, how about the really old and really new meds?

I know you like your pdoc, but do you think that now might be a time to sit back and analyze how well they are doing in treating you? I mean, it's nice to have a great pdoc, but might it be better to find one who has a better handle on your care?

You aren't able to find an ACT therapist you like, but have you considered other therapists regardless of what type of therapy they advertise they provide and just try to find one you like and trust and can offer you sound advice and a different way of viewing your world?

Just some ideas. I'm not sure if any of them will work for you, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

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I was also wondering about the pdoc question...maybe it's time for a second opinion? the addition of the buspar surprised me, though I am obviously not a doctor. I was just thinking that it might not hurt to have someone look at what symptoms you're dealing with, what meds you've tried, and whether there are other ideas out there.

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I,would like to also suggest getting a second opinion. And from there switching pdoc's if you deem it appropriate. I had to do this and stand up for myself and the care I deserved.

And you are bp 1 but on no mood stabilizer? I find this strange. I know risperdal can sometimes work for mood, but it is not a true mood stabilizer like say, lithium or depakote or lamictal or tegretol, etc. I would try to address this issue. I find I don't get manic on a high dose of Effexor because of the addition of lamictal to my regimen. It has really evened out my moods.

Also have you tried a DBT therapist? I have found this type of therapy to be a necessity to my mood management and other symptom management.

I hope your mood improves soon. Take care!

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Rather than trying to change horses in midstream, I believe the important thing is to get back to the pdoc ASAP; Be brutally honest about how disfunctional you are, that things are so bad you are contemplating getting street drugs; and that you need action now to pull you back from the brink!!

I have had to do this once with my pdoc, and it payed off. She just didn't understand how bad things were.

Scatty, do whatever it takes to get out of bed and into your pdoc office tomorrow!

We are pulling for you! :) a.m.

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Oh I love you guys! I really have been swinging up and down with my moods lately. I would seek a second opinion, but the nearest other pdoc is 35 miles away and our car is not reliable. I did write up a list of meds that were working and took it to my first pdoc appt. But she didn't want me to continue on lithium because of my age (almost 40) She has since talked about lithium, but I balked at the idea at the time cuz I didn't want the hassle of blood work. Why can't we just live our lives without worrying about this bullshit? I think she was put off because my previous prescriptions included klonopin, and she seems very anti-benzo. She also has reservations about lamictal, since I got a rash on trileptal- but I was on lamictal for years and never had THE RASH.

I should just go ahead and do the lithium. At least then was the first time in my life I didn't fantasize about jumping in front of a bus. I just seem like I can't communicate how bad it is. Then if it's that bad, she might put me in the hospital. She put me on the buspar because I wasn't as depressed as anxious as all hell. Maybe lithium would be a good choice for me to try again. But I am so unreliable about blood work and I hate it. But I guess I hate it worse the way I am now.

I just told my SO how bad things were, and he was really surprised. I tend to get quiet when I go batshit, but I'm surprised he didn't notice the house falling to shit. I have a pdoc appointment on Tuesday, so I will be open and honest (hard for me, as I am always seen as the most together person to others.) If it gets much worse SO said he would bring me to my hospital and even drive me daily to the partial hospitalization program if need be (even though our car would not like it!) I just have such a hard time admitting things, like "It can't be that bad." That is one of my many weaknesses. Maybe I should ask if SO can join in the appointment so I don't chicken out and say "everything's fine." I managed to watch t.v with my daughter and SO bought me a pack of cigarettes, he hated doing it, but I was going nuts. He also brought me some beer, which he protested to but I told him I would just go get it and he gave in. I don't know what else to do except to escape my own mind for a few hours, at least. Normal people don't know how good they have it!

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Airmarshall makes a fair point.

Does your pdoc know how bad things really are? Could you ring her or get your other half to do so and explain what is going on and that things are taking a slide? I really don't think that self medicating is wise (ie the street drugs) but I think you know that. I know you just want to stop hurting and don't know how to do it. But hang in there.

I think the first step would be to let the professionals honestly know how low you are feeling and see what they suggest.

If you don't feel that they are listening properly then you can always get another opinion or ask for meds to be tinkered and look into therapies.

Might be good to try and bump up and stabilize your mood before you look at therapy though?

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Yes, having a stable mood would be a good goal to set before therapy.

Thank all you kind souls who replied. It really means a lot to me. The last time I had no access to the internet in 2006 I ended up in the crisis unit. My SO says Stay on your meds and stay on CrazyBoards!

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I've found the lithium to be well worth the hassle. It and ACT have worked nicely together really, but I need the lithium to be stable enough for therapy.

I'm sorry things have gotten so bad. Please do seek the help available if you need it, including partial. I think having S.O come to the appointment is a great idea. If you're relying on alcohol and considering street drugs, things ARE that bad. I'm thinking of you.

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Oh, scatty. I (and of course many others here) can so empathize with what you are going through right now. I'm so sorry you are suffering and I agree with the given advice of being completely honest with your pdoc on your next visit.

I'm glad your SO is supportive. That really, really helps a lot. And we are always here, you know that.

I'm also glad you managed to spend some time with your little one. That's important, even when you are feeling like you are feeling and think they are better off away from you for their protection. They're not. They need their mom to be as present as she is able to be. Watching TV together was perfect.

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You are experiencing the same symptoms that I was...I am not on the same drugs but everyone is different.. Poor hygine, no drive, couldn't focus, couldn't stand the thoughts of getting out of bed, couldn't fold a load of laundry, my family has seen me this way for so long. I finally went IP and it helped with the meds for sure. If you can make it the 3-7 days they keep you in then you have got it made..The thing I feel that has helped me the most which I fought tooth and nail is the OP program they have me on.. 4 days a week for 3 hours each day I go to what at my hospital is called the CLARITY group. I thought it would be a bunch of bullshit that I already knew and did work..I am in my first week, end of it, and I feel like a different person already.. I still have periods of depression that I call profound but I am working with that and my p doc. ( I am actually switching, just got a letter from mine today, years of seeing him...he is dropping me and wants me to find another doc...too much IP for him, oh well I will find a good one. ) But I have learned to not set myself up for failure..Take one step at a time..small goals..one goal a day..Your goal might be to take a shower and that is all you get done that day.. you have accompolished it.. My goal today is to do a load of laundry...fold it...maybe I will put it away, that would just be a bonus..Its ok, you are swirling down the drain and don't know how to stop...I hope you take some of my advise..Its hard to take advise when you can't see past the minute you are in..

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I think your idea of bringing your SO to your appointment is a great one! He can help you out and that is what he is there for! Don't be afraid to reach out for help.

Also, you could consider printing off your post and bringing it with you to your pdoc appointment. That way, if you do chicken out (and boy oh boy do I know the feeling) you can just hand him/her the post and go from there. That can open up a dialogue and is a great starting point.

I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you! Take care!

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I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, scatty. I hope you are able to be honest with your pdoc and they can offer you some options. Maybe it IS time to consider lithium again, or the partial hospitalisation programme. You seem to be trying everything you can within your current situation and is sounds as though something else is needed.

Take care, as best you can.

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I don't have much to add except that I am reading along and thinking of you, scatty.

Lithium is such a very good drug at doing what it does that I think it is worth almost anything to make the deep depressions and lethargy stop. Bloodwork or not, what is 20 minutes at a lab worth to you? Isn't it almost nice to get out of the house for the change of scenery? To say hi to a pleasant phlebotomist who will make small talk as she takes your sample? To see what kind of art they have on the walls, to hear what songs they're playing on the radio? Who cares about the needle prick? Within a few weeks time on lithium you could be out of bed! Think of that! Out of bed! :)

I know you've also been on Zoloft for quite some time, and it may be time to mix it up with a different antidepressant if you tend to respond well to them. I have mixed responses - sometimes hypomanic, sometimes no response at all - to antidepressants, but I was surprised when Viibryd actually fit into my cocktail like a missing puzzle piece and kicked the last bit of resistant depression. I'm not saying you need to be on as many meds as I am or that you should try Viibryd (though you might), but sometimes a new antidepressant that you don't expect is just the thing you need.

I hope you start feeling well again soon. <3

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Thanks all! I am planning on showering today.

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I tried to take a shower and I just couldn't do it. The bathtub needs scrubbing, making me more depressed. Maybe later.

Cranky me- actually I watched tv with my 19 YO daughter, though she does sometime act like a 6 YO. My kids are 19, almost 18, and 11. I haven't been that attentive to my littlest one, but he gives me hugs and cuddles and I explained to him about bipolar and that sometimes I am sad for no reason. He doesn't get home until almost 8 at night since he is in the boys and girl's club tutoring program after school. Right now I am grateful for that.

TO EVERYONE- How do I deal if my pdoc sends me inpatient? I don't think she has admitting privledges (sp?) anywhere so I wonder if she would call crisis or an ambulance to have me go to my hospital. Or would she let SO drive me. If I tell her I want to step in front of a bus I am afraid she'll call an ambulance or something. I am so confused and worried.

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Usually they call an ambulance if they suspect you won't go, or they just call ahead and give them your info and tell what's going on if you don't want the scene. I opted for the no-scene for my previous admissions, and so I could go home and throw some clothes in a grocery bag. Don't worry too much about that now, though, worry about it when you're with pdoc and talking about how you're feeling and what can be done for you. If the doc thinks that hospitalization is the thing for you, then think of it as a positive. You will see a doctor every day. You will have groups and things to get out of bed for. I know it's not the most fun place in the world to go, but you've got to just slog it out for your health, right?

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I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell right now. I think what larkspur said sounds practical. I hope info like that can help keep the feeling of retaining control of your situation when things feel so uncertain.

Could you write down questions like you posted above and have them available when you make phone calls? Maybe having the questions pre-written will help to deliver them in a calmer voice to reduce the chance of pdoc misunderstanding/overreacting and doing things like calling an ambulance against your wishes.

Does it help the kids to feel like that they're able to do something to help you? Maybe asking one of them to do simple things like clean the tub will make them feel helpful. And solve something that's making it hard for you to do something for yourself that could make you feel at least physically a bit better.

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Thanks lark and COC. I didn't call today because I know weekends there is little help in most facilities, and I just didn't get to call pdoc cuz I was just too scared to. The next time her office is open is Tuesday, which is when I have my appointment. I don't even know what time it is, and they call with a reminder, but since they're not gonna be open Monday, I don't know if I'll get a call. Hopefully my appointment card is in the car, if not I'll have SO call to be sure of the time and be sure I'm actually awake for it.

My son has his last track meet and had to conserve his energy today so he couldn't help me. My daughter is no help at all. If I ask her, it will just start a screaming match. My SO is disabled so it hirts him too much to scrub the tub and I don't think my 11 YO has the muscle power for the job.

Thanks for all the suggestions though. I really do appreciate hearing input and having support here. I could never even tell my family some of the stuff I've posted on this board. My 17 YO heard me discuss if I should go inpatient, so he knows it's pretty bad. My daughter seems oblivious. Even though I told my SO to be downstairs with me more, he really isn't doing it. He's upstairs playing on his computer, and he'll come down to check on me once in a while. Maybe he just doesn't know what to do or say. He did bring me burger king takeout today, so that was nice. I feel like buying a pack of cigs, but SO wouldn't do that again, I don't think. I got mad at him last night when he hid his klonopin, but maybe that was a good thing.

I feel so fucking grimy and disgusting, but I'm too lazy to hop in the shower for five minutes. I don't think I felt this bad in a long time.

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Scatty, I am sorry to know that you are in such a bad place. I am reading along and sending you all my good thoughts from afar.

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Thanks Indigo. Hopefully today I can garner enough energy to take a shower.

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I hope the weekend passes smoothly with no new issues to stress you further. You have so much to deal with already but you seem to have an impressively firm grasp on reality; you have an appointment set up, know what to do if anything new happens, have family around to be extensions of your eyes and ears and communication powers, and have realistic expectations of what kinds of help you can/can't expect from each of them. And even when you're feeling so crummy it sounds like you're still clearly considering their feelings and capabilities in how you choose to handle yourself. May not feel like it right now, but that sounds like quite a lot of grace under pressure. Wishing you well. Keep checking in here, ok?

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Thank you Circles. I have dealt with this illness a long time and know what to expect. My son just made the final cut to go on to a track championship today, and when he got home he scrubbed the tub! I then took the fastest shower of my life. 11 YO is with grandma, possibly overnight, 17 YO son has a friend over and 19 YO daughter is just telling me to shut up when I talk because I am interupting her t.v. show. She is such a delight! I am not feeling much better, but at least I am accomplishing more.

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Congrats to son :) and sounds like he's a really good kid :)

Yeah, from what I understand of your past posts it has been a long time dealing with this. And I admire your grit. I just know its easy to forget what we each do/know that is good in any way when things feel like shit. Just thought I'd point out some in case it helped to hear the good stuff, even if its stuff you already know. Glad you got your shower, sending more good thoughts.

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