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ED cures other MI

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Posted

Hello,
 
Recently I feel myself relapsing. I haven't eaten in 2.5 days and I'm functioning better than I have been in 2 months. I feel great to be honest. I've started talking to friends, I can focus in class and I'm studying well (granted I'm hopped up on 3-5 coffees/day). The best part is that my depression, insomnia and delusions have all but disappeared (it's only been 2 days so knock on wood) 
 
My anxiety is up because of fasting but that's something I can manage no problem. Plus if it gets out of hand a little benadryl or a nap calms me right down.
 
I'm confused now if I should push myself to continue recover or just let this take over. Even when I was at my lowest weight I was high-functioning and getting better grades than ever. Considering everything, I feel like this is the lesser of many evils.
 
I know you will answer with "talk to the pdoc or tdoc about this" and I will. I also know they will tell me to quickly get a new psych evaluation at the ED clinic and try to nip this in the bud. ED technically has a higher risk of being physically dangerous for most people. Not for me. When I'm depressed I mess up my grades, I lose friends and typically I OD every other week. Therefore no ED means a higher risk of messing up my whole life.
 
Medication is not an option because no one will write me a script stronger then prozac (which I have to pick up every week) because of my age and background of overdoses.
 
I apologize that this was long and wordy. Thank you for reading! I'd appreciate any opinions on how to proceed.  
 
Skye

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Posted

I wonder if we could possibly tell you anything you don't already know.  ED threatens your life.  Keep it up and you will die.  And that will be sooner rather than later.  I hope you get the help you need.

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Posted

My weight is not low right now. I know when I'm in the danger zone. I feel like I could kill myself with the depression (accidently or on purpose) at any time. I was very unstable. What I really need is the right medication. I need to stop being so impulsive and popping tons of pills so I can get it but that's easier said then done. Thank you for the concern bluechick. 

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Posted

It sounds like "what you need" is not just "the right medication" but increased effective coping skills to manage your distress and impulsive thoughts without feeling like you need to OD or engage in ED behavior.

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Posted

What you need is good coping skills. This doesn't sound to me like a problem that can be solved by popping a pill and carrying on. Eating disorders ARE Anxiety disorders, so whether or not you feel you have it under control, the truth is that you don't.

 

My suggestion, beyond talking to your Team, is to find yourself a good workbook or self-help book in the CrazyStore and try to educate yourself as best you can.

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Posted

That's true, thank you both. I've been in therapy for over a year now and there has not been much improvement in that area. I'll look into the self-help books. I've never read one. 

 

It's so hard to distinguish one MI from another and what's normal/acceptable versus what needs to be treated. My thoughts are all mixed up. I can't tell where the cycle starts or how I can get out of it. It's exhausting. I'm sure many of you can relate. 

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Posted

FWIW, I tend to get hypomanic when I don't eat.  I love it but I know it's not healthy.  I usually force myself to eat when I get that.  Not to mention, I like to work out and I know that starving my body pretty much negates the work out.

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Posted

OK, I admit it. The topic title and its underlying suppositions first made me confused, then anxious, then angry.

 

ED does not _cure_ anything: ANYTHING.

 

I echo Woo and drama, you are in need of some coping skills.

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Posted

Hmm. I mean, this isn't a hard one, try your best to continue to recover. I just don't get it because when I was suffering from that shit pretty badly from middle school to graduation, I WAS FUCKING MISERABLE. I've always been fucked up, but that fucked me up even more. I can't imagine it having positive effects. So, anyone who reads this and thinks "Hey! I'll feel better if I stop eating!" YOU'RE PROBABLY VERY WRONG.

 

Just had to throw that in there.

 

I could have died when I had an ED, I have no idea how close I was, but it was still a very likely outcome. That was THE WORST HELL I have ever been through. Relapsing scares the shit out of me. In NO WAY is it good. 

 

I agree that this probably isn't a med thing. Don't know how old you are, but you have to try your best to let some intense therapy sessions with a decent t-doc set in. 

 

And who cares if your weight isn't low? You act like you'd just be able to stop when you want to stop. Yeah, it doesn't really work like that at all. Didn't for me. That shit was entirely out of control. 

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Posted

When I was in the depths of the ED, the longer i went without eating/the lower the weight and the more confident I got.  So I understand how you might feel, that things get "better" the more weight you lose.  

 

Looking back though I can see where I was totally wrong in starving myself/losing weight.  Aside from it messing with my body (electrolyte imbalance, etc), it messed with my mind.  It felt like mind control that went haywire and before I knew it all became out of control, to the point of hospitalization.

 

I would also suggest working with a tdoc/pdoc to learn different coping skills.

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Posted (edited)

I can relate to this sentiment. I definitely find that when I restrict heavily I start to feel a high. It's an addicting high, but it always always leads to a crash, at least in my experience. At first I feel better when I restrict, and you get that sense of increased confidence and for me this sort of dissociated state where my mind is like high and apart from my body. That works for a little while at relieving depression in a way, but for me the high kind of goes bad, like it doesn't feel good anymore and I just feel increasingly panicked and dissociated.

I agree that coping skills are super vital. As you know , obviously, with an ED it's never enough...stopping the behavior while you still have your brain is important, because your brain literally stops working correctly the more you starve it. And that gets scary.

I learned in treatment once about figuring out your short term vs long term rewards and goals. We wrote on a chart our thoughts about stuff, like for example with me it's like "I want to be X weight" and " I want to finish college" and then thinking about rewards of the short term vs the long term....like for me losing weight would feel really good at first..like pleasant feelings for probably a couple days, but long term it would give me more suffering because its never enough and I would then want more. Finishing college (and sticking with recovery) would be really hard short term, and it might suck and not feel great, but in a year, it will feel so much better and give me so much more than just seeing a smaller number on the scale.

Personally, I was in treatment the summer before my last semester of university, and in the end I chose my life, not my ED. One year later it's a struggle every day to maintain that, but SO SO worth it. I never would have dreamed when I was at rock bottom that things could get better, but they did. My brain was dying a year ago and I couldn't see a way out..but recovery slowly brought it back to where I could THINK about something more than just the next time I would have to eat. And that feels great. Better than starving ever did.

Ugh sorry for the essay didnt realize i had so many thoughts, sorry sorry

tldr; starving kind of makes you feel good but never never lasts, something you probably already know. The high gets toxic and fucks your brain up and you can lose everything. Recovery is worth it long term. When I can actually USE my brain and coping skills, that's when my depression to gets controlled. There is no magic pill. So I recommend coping skills.

Just to be homest, The high is still alluring for me, I slip up sometimes. I think of my ED like an addiction. I crave it but it just destroys everything good in my life.

Edited bc I am self conscious and over share and probably no one cares and I probably say all the wrong things and I should probably delete the whole post. Sorry.

Edited by lwp273

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Posted (edited)

In my experience, ED is often a coping mechanism, so sometimes it will feel like it is curing the underlying problem, when it's really just putting a band-aid over it.

 

Also, you said therapy wasn't working for you. Have you tried different types of therapy? Maybe it's the type of therapy you're in now that isn't working. I didn't find traditional talk therapy helpful, or my sessions with a nutritionist, but I'm having good luck with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Some people find Dialectical Behavior Therapy helpful. Both (especially DBT) focus on life skills, coping skills, etc.

Edited by GooseberryFool

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Posted

Indigo – Sorry, I’ll be more sensitive next time I pick out a title.

 

TE – I was only anorexic for about 3 months. Before I was EDNOS and after I was bulimic so my experience was not close to what it’s like to suffer for years. I don’t commend starving to anyone. I was lucky I had my family there to pull me out before the anorexia took over my life and I faced the real negative consequences. That being said I was much happier than when I was bulimic.

 

Melissa - Thank you! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. My mind was quite mixed up when I was in that state but somehow I held my life together and things were working out.  

 

Lwp – Not at all! I really appreciate everything you had to say and I appreciate the non-judgmental opinion. I didn’t know the high itself messed with brain chemicals. 

 

GF: I agree I use it to cover my other problems and I think I use it as a distraction more than anything. You're right about my therapy. It's probably time for a change. Thank you.

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Posted

Weight doesn't matter to wellness. Restricting may not even lead to weight loss. It will definitely mess with your brain functioning and your bloods though.

I used to love that high feeling from fasting. I miss it as much as I miss drugs sometimes. I also know that it's okay for me to miss those things. They don't help. They belong in the past.

Using disordered eating to "stave off" other MI symptoms is robbing Peter to pay Paul. It's no more sustainable than any other self damaging coping. I hope you get some decent support with the MI. Treatment is frustrating because it seems to take forever. When you're under restrictions and the docs are monitoring you because you have a history of drug abuse it can be even more, and humiliating on top.

I get what you're saying. I hope I haven't jumped down your throat. But I was wrong when I thought my ED was okay or less bad than others, and so are you. Stick with the docs and keep being honest with them. These thoughts don't make you bad. If it helps at all I still have trouble with the ED thoughts even now, just less often.

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Posted

ED tends to kindle and you don't know it. You start off thinking you can stop and then it gets worse and worse and you'r e out of control.

 

It doesn't cure anything.

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Posted

I may be wildly wrong, but... Maybe if you think that ED cures other MI, I think it might well be because your body is too tired and washed out to focus on emotions so much. Like I can't find a reference right now, but I read people with depression sometimes stay up late in order to induce a kind of emotionlessness so that they're too tired to focus on emotions and only focus on the everyday. I can understand that, due to this effect, ED sounds sort of attractive, but it will actually not help you in the long run, please do not believe it.

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Posted

You're all clearly right. The high has already subsided and I'm feeling panicky now. I've been on a lot of ativan today. I'm going to try to eat something now. I think. Ugh. 

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Posted

Skye, have you gotten in touch with your pdoc and tdoc yet?  It sounds like you could really use some support.  I hope everything turns out ok.

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Posted

No, not really to be honest. I'm finding it hard to reach out for any support because I really want to graduate this semester. My MI has already set me back a full year. Thank you for the concern! I think I'm going to stick it out for a few months before getting more intense treatment. 

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Posted (edited)

Well eating disorders, like addiction, satisfy a purpose; we reap some reward from it or else we wouldn't do it. Animals do not repeat a behavior unless there is gratification in it. The problem is, like addiction, it is maladaptive and only effective in the short term. It will cause more dysfunction, by which time it will be harder to stop. I thought that my ED "cured" me too, but it didn't. It basically just got me high. People have fasted for spiritual purposes and continue to do it because starvation (which the body goes into at any weight) changes your brain chemistry and for a lot of people that change makes them feel calm. Numb. Detached. Peaceful despite overwhelming stress. Certain predisposed individuals become too attached to that feeling and can't stop. That was me, and I've been sick for almost a decade now with no end in sight. I stopped injuring myself, using substances, stopped having PTSD nightmares, and stopped hearing voices. It eventually came back, though because it never really went away. You can't substitute a problem for a problem. Now  I am having trouble getting help because the symptoms of my underlying MI are still there, they are just masked. Its hard to tease those symptoms apart and actually get help. Not to mention, you could easily die along the way. Trust me, its not worth it and what seems like a cure is actually just a diversion. Lots of addicts think that using fixes their problems too, but only to them because they are already sick! I would really talk to someone if I were you. I know before I relapse I find a lot of ways to justify it, but I always regret it again when its too late. You deserve to really overcome your MI, not just throw a mask on it.

Edited by kitkatt91

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