12 posts in this topic
Hey everyone! Hope you are having a nice morning. I wanted to chat with likeminded individuals about something I've been struggling with lately. I have anxiety and bipolar type II that has been controlled for nearly 4 years with regular therapy and the right medication, with milder interruptions that can be upsetting from time to time (such as the below) in stressful times. I am wondering if anyone has experienced a similar "pattern" so to speak.
This was the cycle.... Sunday/Monday (down, depressed) Tuesday and Wednesday (charged up, making tons of plans, no appetite, no need for sleep/caffeine) , Thursday (agitated depressed- no need for sleep, racing thoughts, etc. but very depressed mood, crying for no reason, not handling stress well). I imagine now it will just be more depressive symptoms for a couple of days.
these "moods" seem to follow a very set pattern day to day (slightly up, very up, and then down) and last a couple of weeks at most. I definitely know the down mods can be prompted by alcohol consumption (when I'm slightly hypomanic I tend to drink more than usual at dinner, etc.) Anyone else experience this? I want to make sure I am categorizing my moods correctly, if they ARE in fact moods and not just a bad bout of anxiety!
Looking forward to hearing from y'all!
This is amazing. I've been labled depemding where ive been (prison,jail,psych,rehab,clinics) with borderline bipolar, depression, add, Ptsd and borderline personality. No one can tell me what I am. Prolly the reason for such a fucked life led by myself calling all the shots. I'm fucking broken and need help. I know most here are not Dr's, like 99 percent lol. But, I'd love some sort of feedback.
I'm 26 parents both hate me for constant raging outbursts. Just left, more like kicked out, of my son's mothers house. I burn down anything I touch. I feel no empathy twprds other and throw around that I don't feel ever. I don't have feels. This is untrue cus I can easily fall in love and stay this way for months to years. It takes that person to do me wrong, or what I view as wrong for me to unlove them. I resented my son for the first 6 mos of his life and hated myself for it. I'm always always there for him even with the split, altho I get tired of him fast.
My current gf has anxiety bad. Like cry yell dominate and take over everyone's attention. But I love her so so much meds or not. I have terrible issues with people looking at questions and not replying to me. I can also lose all happiness at the turn of a switch, for the smallest reason. Anything else anyone's wondering ask away. Looking for 100 percent feedback. Oh shit Dr has me on seroquel for moods currently searching Vyvanse or Adderall to pair. Previouslytaken effexor, lithium, thorzine, zoloft, xanax, valum, Prozac, welbutrin ect......
This is my first time asking the internet for advice so apologies if I screw anything up and for the novel-length post.
I’m not at immediate risk - things are getting rocky again but I have already made appointments to see a doctor and therapist.
I would appreciate any feedback, comments, similar experiences, or being pointed towards useful resources.
In terms of background, I think things went a little off for me around 13. My sleep has been shoddy since. When I was 14 for a year I barely left my room, didn't go to school (not a country where it mattered), would occasionally run away, punched walls and experimented with various forms of self-harm, would spend most of my time in bed staring at the ceiling, often very badly wanted to end it but couldn't inflict that disaster on my parents who then bore the brunt of my anger when I decided that they were to blame for standing in my way. So I thought often about killing them too because that's logical. In retrospect a pretty classic case of angsty teenage depression.
At one point my sleep was very disturbed for almost a week. I went downstairs to get a yoghurt and insects started crawling all over me and I saw lots of blood. I very vividly remember that I used my fingers to push through my eardrums into my head and then pushed out my eyeballs from behind. I was terrified but internalised it and was probably in denial that it had happened or that it was me who saw that (if that makes sense). I’ve never watched horror films, have never witnessed a car accident, or in fact had anything traumatic happen to me at all. Who knows.
I eventually got over the worst of it and aside from occasional periods of depression and self-harm nothing much happened until about 2013 when things went south a little bit.
I felt like I was moving through slush and that people were talking to me underwater. It took a little bit of time, probably around two weeks, for me to get myself to a doctor (I’m stubborn and I thought I might be getting sick again and I was scared I would end up like a close relative whose mental illness has turned her into a zombie). I was immediately diagnosed with depression and prescribed ssris that I took at best sporadically, since I had a deep-down belief that relying on them would mean I was weak (more logic).
From there on things degenerated somewhat. I began to hear the radio, or someone slamming the door and moving around, but I would head on over to switch the radio off or say hello to my roommate and the radio would already be off and no-one had come home. Then I began to have episodes where I would again feel my hands were pushing through my ears to pop out my eyeballs, and I would dig holes in my chest til I could see my exposed ribs and snap them, and mushy bits would ooze everywhere and there would be a lot of blood and a lot of pain. Seeing this would often trigger a panic attack. I sometimes had panic attacks without images but never images that didn’t trigger absolute panic, since they were fairly terrifying things to witness. Once I had to be physically restrained because I was trying to scratch something out of my arm with my fingernails and by the time someone noticed I had scratched a deep enough wound to leave a pretty gross scar that won’t go away no matter how much bloody bio oil I massage into it. During another episode my boyfriend at the time had come up for a cup of tea or something and I apparently told him things were coming and that he had to take a knife and kill me before things happened. Sometimes I had to self-harm quickly because I could feel things coming and if I could see and feel my hands doing something like that then it was easier to believe that they weren’t doing something else, if that makes any sense.
I was hospitalised twice in crisis situations but the psychiatric wards were mindnumbing and I was scared that being surrounded by people with serious issues would somehow trigger or emphasise mine so I always got out as soon as I could. I was variously diagnosed with severe anxiety with intrusive thoughts, depression, bpd, psychosis, or preschizophrenic symptoms. At the time I didn’t read anything on the internet or in books as I thought I might be influenced by what I read so I let the doctors do their thing, but at a later date I started reading around and although I identify strongly with descriptions of depression and anxiety (then again I already knew that) and partially with some descriptions of psychosis, I think the diagnoses of schizophrenia or bpd were patently bollocks which has shaken my trust in doctors a little. I was prescribed with anti-depressants, benzodiazepines, and anti-psychotics but even aside from my inherent stubbornness against medication I was in no fit state to stick to a treatment plan so took them erratically, I wouldn’t take them and them someone would notice and force me to take them for a while and then I would stop again etc.
At some point I moved home and got a very manual job which left me physically exhausted and with no free time so I was in a comforting cycle of work sleep work sleep etc. I was screened again for psychosis but the symptoms had begun to subside and I found that recounting the experience was very distressing so didn’t take any form of treatment further - I was just grateful that it seemed to have stopped and that the whole thing was over.
Things have been alright for a long time now but I’m having some wobbles and in any case I can’t keep working to the point of exhaustion just to keep from spiralling. I want to be able to have free time and enjoy it without immediately sinking into a cycle where I feel happy and energetic and then flip flop into comatose and then when I get energy again I can’t enjoy it because I have to catch up on everything I didn’t do when I was comatose. I want to be able to do things that are intellectually demanding without grinding to a halt and have happy, fun relationships and most of all I want to seek treatment and finally fess up to what happened and do everything I can so that it doesn't happen again because it's terrifying and it's kind of bollocks that the fear I have of these images is enough to trigger a panic attack because honestly the way these things feed off each other is fairly toxic.
I know I’ve got depression and anxiety and panic attacks and I’ve read many accounts I identify with and that have helped me consider these things difficult but approachable and certainly not the end of the world.
It’s the episodes I’d appreciate talking through. I’ve read accounts of intrusive images in relation to OCD and anxiety and I think it must be that, but these accounts haven’t quite rung true in the same way that accounts of depression have with me. I suppose they’re not psychosis or delusions because it’s pretty obvious after that they didn’t happen (or I’d have spent a lot of 2013/14 just splopping my eyeballs back into their sockets like some deranged bungee jumper). Also they just sort of went away after a while but these recent wobbles have me paranoid that they’ll come back.
Please help me pinpoint what happened so I can try and fix it.
And if you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read.
Hi everyone. I know you should not drink while on Lexapro but I wanted to get an opinion. I am currently on 7.5mg (I have been taking Lexapro for 3 months) and I take it around 8:30pm. Last night I had a Christmas party and decided to have a glass and a half of wine. I hardly ever drink, so please do not suggest an alcohol problem. This is my third glass of wine in 7 months. Anyways, I had bad dissociation and anxiety when I got to the party. However after one glass of wine I was more outgoing and sociable than the last time I can remember. A little hyper even. Later on I started to get a headache and felt kind of dizzy and out of it. I am small, 5'1" and 105 pounds. I take Xanax (.25mg) and melatonin (1mg) to sleep, so I took that about 6 hours after having my last glass of wine. I slept 10 hours and could have probably slept 14. I feel SO tired today and hungover! Is this normal? I won't be drinking on Lexapro again
Thanks in advance
Hi, I'm not sure where to start. I would just like the opinions of others on what might be going on with me. I am and have been already seeking help from a doctor(s) for awhile. In June 2016 I had a series of tragic life events happen to me when I was abroad for college. I had a misdiagnosed pulmonary embolism which could have killed me, along with two suicides on my dad's side of the family and law school exams. I had experienced some anxiety as a teenager, which I have just recently realized were anxiety, but they were always triggered by something.
When I was 16 I was followed by a car and would not drive to that area of town for at least 2 years afterwards. When I was 17 someone broke into my two neighbors houses and I slept with the light on for a month and developed OCD tendencies of turning the light on and off a certain amount of times.
Fast forward to June 2016, I had to quit birth control (which seemed to stabilize me) cold turkey due to the pulmonary embolisms which wrecked havoc on my hormones. I had my first panic attack in late June and remember feeling dissociation, like I wasn't mentally there, fast heart rate, etc. I had multiple panic attacks in the months after which led me to the ER thinking it was another pulmonary embolism and unsure if I would wake up in the morning. Then, when my aunt committed suicide I became obsessed with the idea that because my cousin and aunt did it, it could happen to me too (my paternal grandmother is also bipolar 2). I had intrusive thoughts of suicide non stop for a few months and it was ruining my life and giving me intense anxiety. I ended up deferring school until next year and came back to the US as I couldn't handle these problems while being far from home. In August I started to develop actual depression symptoms where I just lacked motivation and had no appetite. I'd say it was a mild to moderate depression. I still had suicidal intrusive thoughts and could not look at a knife or belt because it scared me to death. I still feel that way on occasion.
I started having sleeping problems in September where I can't sleep through the night, have vivid dreams and wake up often but am able to fall back asleep. I started Lexapro in October at 2.5mg and had an increase in anxiety/jitters with each up dose. I also had an annoying symptom for awhile of having song clips replay in my head. I am now at 7.5mg and although I feel my depression has definitely improved, my anxiety has not. I have dissociation nearly every day, especially in social situations. I feel dizzy and my vision is a bit off. I just feel kind of foggy. I also have EXTREME anxiety of being alone. I slept in my parents room every night for a few months until recently because I get paranoid and scared to be alone. Now I am sleeping through the night thanks to xanax (.25mg) and melatonin (2mg) but I need to sleep 9-10 hours and wake up groggy and feel that way most of the day. If I just take the xanax, I can't sleep.
Some days are good, others not. I have a hard time focusing and sometimes I will get obsessed with an idea, such as getting a dog and will be quite impulsive and urgent about it. My mom says I have been this way since I was young.
I don't know if I just have anxiety and depression or if there is something more. Cyclothymia? ADHD? BPD? I have mood changes, but they are throughout the day and never lasting weeks or months at a time. They are not SEVERE either. For example, sometimes I am more talkative and outgoing than normal, but I do not do anything weird. My sleep also hasn't changed, I always sleep 9-10 hours a night. I know what mania is and I have never been that way, even hypomania seems to be a stretch. Is ADHD similar? I was a hyper kid that talked a lot and needed attention, and always had a hard time focusing in school because I talked so much during class. I'm just trying to look for some insight. I feel lost in this and have an appointment with my pdoc on Tuesday but I'm not sure where to start with her.
Thanks for any opinions in advance!