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i'm back, dammit!

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So it's been like 5 years since i stopped SI'ing, things have been great, i got married blah blah blah... it's been like 5 years too since the last time i logged in here, but somehow something dragged me in, either to find some help, or to trigger myself...

 

Turns out i had a very long recovery process from the SI, i'm still on meds and stuff, only stopped seeing both the pdoc (coz he moved out of town without telling anyone and all of his patients became WTF?) and the tdoc coz i considered i had enough coping skills to deal with the SI.

 

But recently something's been bugging me...

 

Something inside me is telling me i should stop eating, or purging, in order to become skinny. Last year (when i was preparing my wedding) i followed a diet, went to a spa, to the gym, all that crap, and i actually got to lose about 15 lbs and felt pretty damn good, but in the honeymoon i started eating "like a normal person" and ever since i haven't been able to follow the diet or go to the gym anymore. I was really disappointed to see how all the hard work went down the toilet, but i just couldn't stop and resume the healthy habits. I'm kinda pissed off at myself for letting go, and i am too damn tired to start all over again.

 

So my brain is punishing me with those stupid thougths. and i'm pretty sure i don't want to go thru all the recovery crap all over again, it's too damn exhausting...

 

But the thoughts (ideation maybe) won't go away...

 

Thanks for the space for venting, any thoughts/advice/experience sharing will be appreciated.

 

-starfish

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Posted · Report post

what i'm thinking is: is it possible that my mind is trying to find a replacement for SI, after all these years???

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Posted · Report post

Does your pdoc know, and if so is s/he helpful in anyway?  This has happened to me in the past, and it became a bad cycle to be in, and hard to get out of.  From all I remember, it seemed to me that I felt worthless and unloved, and that no one gave a crap about whether I was dead or alive and had nothing positive to say around me. 

 

Weirdly, the hallucinations I had for many years before I admitted it to my pdoc get me through this.  The general idea was that all these people were paying attention to me, and also I had developed some control back over my life, having a say in things with "people" who actually listened and cared about what I had to say. 

 

When I was on the cocktail that worked finally (that took years though), I had overcome all of the eating problems (there were other factors later on, but it was the voices who mainly got me through it).  I'm not trying to say it is an easy thing to do, but maybe you kind of felt like I did (unloved etc) and are using the wanting to stop eating/purge to replace that.  Just a thought. 

 

Do you see a tdoc?

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Posted · Report post

i haven't seen a pdoc for a while, the one who was treating me just disappeared, rumor says he moved out of town but nobody knows for sure, and i haven't had the guts to start seeing another one, mainly because i don't trust them and because i don't feel like telling someone the story of my life all over again... i would like to be off meds but can't do it on my own... and stopped seeing the tdoc too because i felt like i had enough coping skills to deal with life, and i kinda do coz otherwise i would have started listening to the voice (not literally) that tells me ED'ing is a good idea to get to the weight i'd like to be.

I feel like i'm in a good place right now, i feel loved and stuff, but something's trying to intrude and ruin the happiness.

 

thanks for listening, well, reading :)

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Posted · Report post

Hello,

I can relate. I used to SI, I used to engage in ED behaviours, and I'm in recovery, but I gained a lot of weight, from meds, beer and laziness, and I just want to LOSE IT ALL!! It's a horrible "voice" in your head.

 

Try seeing a tdoc, talking it through.

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Posted · Report post

the thoughts come and go, sometimes i feel so guilty for eating a cookie, and sometimes i eat a bowl of cheetos and feel no guilt at all... i bought a lot of fruit in an attempt to replace the cookies, pastries and junk food i love, i'll try to stay focused and balanced, and i'm waiting for march 1st to start spin class again! (why not now? i'm enjoying the last month of laziness lol)

 

thanks for your replies, it's good to know you're not alone :)

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