8 posts in this topic
This happens to me all the time. I'm honestly not sure if I've ever actually experienced mania despite what doctors say. This whole mess started when I crashed into a really bad depression after having the best summer of my life. The thing is, during that really awesome summer, I don't recall ever having this intense euphoric feeling, having trouble sleeping, or being intensely focused on anything. I did feel pretty awesome, though. While normally I'm incredibly shy, introverted and depressed, I was suddenly really outgoing, being able to talk to strangers without any anxiety. I was also obsessed with public transportation for some reason. I had to ride every single train in the city and go to every stop. I have no idea why that was. Then there was this whole issue of me spending money frivolously like paying $15 for a bunch of freaking guitar picks, buying my friends things, and a plane ticket out west. Early that fall, I started to crash after I became obsessed with my self-image. My mood started to really deteriorate until I hit rock bottom after botching a job interview. It was then that I tried to end my life for the first time by taking an unknown amount of Zoloft. Thankfully I didn't suffer any serious effects from that, but after telling my therapist about it, she had me sent to the ER and I barely managed to avoid the psych unit somehow. After seeing my psychiatrist, she mentioned the possibility of me having bipolar and put me on Lamictal. I kind of just brushed it all off as me being weird that whole time.
I'm not really sure if that sounds like hypomania. I know about how it's pointless to overthink the whole diagnosis thing, but this is constantly torturing my mind throughout the day and I feel like I need to know whether questioning the diagnosis is a symptom of the disease, or if I've really just been faking it this whole time. I really don't want to be taking all these meds if I really don't have to. I know I'm kind of rambling, sorry, but can anyone else relate?
I don't feel anymore, all I hear is noise. No touch of a hand, no tickle of a whisper in my ear, not a kiss, an embrace, nothing. Nothing except noise. This constant white noise of sounds I can't even string together anymore. It's all consuming and too much. I want to switch it off but I can't do it alone. I need to know that there is someone out there who also hears the noise. Who, like me is ready to not just turn it down but switch it off completely.
By an odd one
this is a question for anyone who has ever thought about or attempted suicide. i am just a kid. I'm twelve years old. yet I'm already thinking about it. my question: do you think its worth it?
i means in both aspects. is it worth it to commit suicide, and is it worth it to live.
the reason i ask this, is because i have a very... confusing mind. i do not have disabilities. i think farther ahead actually. i thought about it. my mind came to this conclusion: why is it worth living, if you know you will just end up dying in the end. even farther- the entire human race eventually has to die out. my achievements. my ideas. they will all vanish. and if im not remembered, thats worse. i would just be that girl that died. it might be talked about for a week to a month- but then I'm gone. forever. im not a very positive person, as you can see.
i wont do it now. i wont do it until very later. until im sure i will be remembered. but i just want to ask, if i should do it at all.
yesterday, we went to the aquarium. we were on the fifth floor in the parking lot. my dad caught me staring at the railing. i don't think he knows. i don't want my family to know. then that brings up the question- what will it do to my family?
i bet they would be better off without me yelling. without me be sassy, or rude. i bet they would forget. i bet they would laugh.
but i know that's not true. i know they would be devastated. but i want to twist it in my mind, to make it seem alright. to justify it.
whats wrong with me....?
i don't want to die yet. not until im sure i did something. maybe i wont ever do it, if i find something worth living for.
maybe I want to twist things because don't feel empathy. standing in other peoples shoes... wonder what their feeling? thats nonsense. i dont care. i dont care. they can tell me that this person feels bad about something i did.
i dont care. i cant care. i want to care. i dont want to care, because then it will hurt, and i would be a different person. much more different. i would want to live with all my heart. all these superstitions, daydreams of red.. would vanish. but i need them. i dont want to let them go.
my mother is coming up the stairs. i dont want her to see this. shes with my sister. im posting on the internet about this because my family wont understand. they will try to hold me down. they will try to bring me to some therapist. they will try to "fix" me. i need advice from people who have thought this before. my family is not bad. but they are too good for me protective. i may not respond right away, as i try to hide my thoughts as best i can. goodbye.
For the past 2 weeks I have been stuck in a rut. I don't know what caused it, but I can't get myself out.
3 nights ago, I was home and I just felt getting sucked into it deeper and deeper. I called my boyfriend, because I felt like if I were to stay home that night I would've done something bad. So I drove to his house. On my way over, I was overflown with dark thoughts. I kept thinking about driving my car off the highway or runing into a truck. Nobody would know that I did it with my own will. I could've made it look like an accident. I was so close to doing it. But somehow I stopped myself. I still don't know how.
Now everytime I get into my car I keep having those thoughts.
I didn't tell my boyfriend, because I would just scare him. He was already worried about me, because I wasn't reacting to anything. It was like I wasn't there. The next day I woke up, feeling better, but during the day it got worse again.
I can't get myself out of this rut. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm typing this post. It's not like anyone can really help me. I have no reason to be suicidal - I'm not suicidal, but why did I have those thoughts. I can't believe how close I came to crashing my car. I even scared myself.
Alright, let's do this. Long story short, I had an amazing childhood, plenty of friends, loving family, I was outgoing, life was just awesome. Fast forward to middle school (8th grade), I suddenly become shy out of o where. Lost friends, became a loner, got teased/bullied daily. Same shit happened in high school, except it was worse. I thought things would be better once I got into college, and guess the fuck what? It has never been this bad.
Frankly, I don't understand why I'm picked on. I think it's bc I'm so quiet/shy and people take advantage of that. Any fucking ways. I'm sick of it, and I'm ready to bounce.
So, basically I've developed depression, aniexiy, horrible social skills, and blah blah blah. I don't wanna bore you. You get the picture though. I've done lots of research and I found a painless, peaceful way to die. I could do it anytime I want, BUT IM SO FUCKING SCARED. I'm terrfied of the after-life. I'm Christian, and I don't know if suicide is a forgivable sin. One day I was watching a horror movie, and a woman had acid poured on her face, and her flesh was burning and melting. And I thought...THAT COULD FUCKING BE ME IF I DID IT.
I know, a fix to my worries is to endure a miserable life in order to avoid eternal torture, but I seriously can't. Some people might say, "omg shut up life is hard for everyone, suck it up". I couldn't care less about those people. You expect me to continue my misery because you're telling me that I should? Fuck outtaaaaaaa here.
There are other factors/consequences for my actions, like hurting my family. I thought about it for nearly 4 years and I'm going to be selfish and do it anyways. All that crap people say about "it will get better" is not true. There's something else I'm not mentioning because I'm too embarased to say (the main reason for this suicide), but let's just say that I cannot have any social life or even a job because of it. I cannot be around people. I cannot make a living because a job requires an interview and co-workers. I'm barely getting through college, and my grades are struggling because I skip classes (since it's a huge room filled with 600+ people). I don't eat or go to the dinning halls bc again...people. I literally have nothing to live for. I don't mind the isolation, in fact, it's the only time I'm at peace. But I can't be isolated forever. I hope I'm making sense. Anyways.
I need some thought about this. If you're reglious, do you think I will be forgiven? If you're not, do you think life after death is peaceful?