8 posts in this topic
I am going to give a divine and spiritual analogy to make my point clear. Just go with this analogy anyway. If you are a naturalist who does not believe in anything paranormal, then this analogy can be changed up a bit in your mind to suit a purely naturalistic universe. I, myself, do not believe in god, the afterlife, and the paranormal. But I am undecided if they are real and keep an open mind. First off, before I present this analogy, I would like to say that I do not think it is our value judgments that make things good or bad to us and I will now explain why:
There are objects and sound waves out there. But the only way we can perceive them would be through sight and hearing. Likewise, things, moments, and situations in our lives hold values. In order to perceive these values, then that requires your emotions. Your thoughts acknowledge these values while it would be your emotions that allow you to see them. In a way, you could consider emotions to be a sense. They are a higher sense that transcends our biological senses. Going by my spiritual analogy, they would be our divine and spiritual sense. The positive emotions would be the divine spiritual sense. However, the negative emotions would be our dark spiritual sense. Just like how a blind person cannot make himself see anything by believing and thinking he can see objects, we cannot see the values in our lives by thinking we can see them in the absence of our emotions. If a person were to create a magnificent character, then the magnificent light energy is there.
If I were to get a positive emotion from that character, then it would be like I am sensing the spiritual life energy of that character. I would literally feel all the beautiful and magnificent attributes of him or her. It would be the divine light giving me a powerful and transcended perception. Just as how a psychic has a spiritual sense that allows him to enter the spirit realm which is a whole new mental realm than our physical, perceived reality, we as human beings enter the mental realm of good values through our positive emotions and the realm of bad values through our negative emotions. It is through our emotions that we either enter a spiritual state of paradise or a state of hell. From my own personal experience, feelings of hopelessness and misery due to an emotionally traumatic event are the worst hell and worst forms of spiritual darkness.
In short, as long as you struggle with depression or emotional trauma that completely takes away your positive moods, then your life can be nothing good, worth living, peaceful, happy, content, etc. to you since all those are positive qualities and it is only our positive emotions that allow us to perceive them. You would need a very small amount of positive emotions to at least give you a slim perceptual quality of those positive terms. Personally, I cannot make do with a slim amount. I need the significant or full amount to make my life worth living to me. Without emotions, then you can only live out the perceptual reality of a mere droid who can only perceive basic qualities such as the microwave running, knowing mathematics, seeing the trees outside, etc. But your life would be devoid of the higher, humanistic qualities of love, joy, and good value that we all need as human beings.
My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection.
His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior).
I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases.
But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going.
Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt.
I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him.
I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me.
Feedback, love, and support would be great.
This happens to me all the time. I'm honestly not sure if I've ever actually experienced mania despite what doctors say. This whole mess started when I crashed into a really bad depression after having the best summer of my life. The thing is, during that really awesome summer, I don't recall ever having this intense euphoric feeling, having trouble sleeping, or being intensely focused on anything. I did feel pretty awesome, though. While normally I'm incredibly shy, introverted and depressed, I was suddenly really outgoing, being able to talk to strangers without any anxiety. I was also obsessed with public transportation for some reason. I had to ride every single train in the city and go to every stop. I have no idea why that was. Then there was this whole issue of me spending money frivolously like paying $15 for a bunch of freaking guitar picks, buying my friends things, and a plane ticket out west. Early that fall, I started to crash after I became obsessed with my self-image. My mood started to really deteriorate until I hit rock bottom after botching a job interview. It was then that I tried to end my life for the first time by taking an unknown amount of Zoloft. Thankfully I didn't suffer any serious effects from that, but after telling my therapist about it, she had me sent to the ER and I barely managed to avoid the psych unit somehow. After seeing my psychiatrist, she mentioned the possibility of me having bipolar and put me on Lamictal. I kind of just brushed it all off as me being weird that whole time.
I'm not really sure if that sounds like hypomania. I know about how it's pointless to overthink the whole diagnosis thing, but this is constantly torturing my mind throughout the day and I feel like I need to know whether questioning the diagnosis is a symptom of the disease, or if I've really just been faking it this whole time. I really don't want to be taking all these meds if I really don't have to. I know I'm kind of rambling, sorry, but can anyone else relate?