8 posts in this topic
I don't understand ANY of this and i'm fed up. I haven't left home in months, the clinician who has been occasionally coming to my home has said she doesn't believe in hospitalization for anything other than emergencies and can't personally do anything to get me into hospital anyway. I am feeling completely hopeless. I have a long history with the local hospital(only hospital in our city) and i've been repeatedly denied admission. I'm only 18 and i've been dealing with this joke of a mental health system for over 3 years. Along with anxiety and major depressive disorder, I was also diagnosed with BPD "traits" by an emergency department physician I saw for 10 minutes when I was 15, which was the start of this all. Looking back at my old posts really show how long i've been going through this.
I have anxiety and depression almost 24/7. Every day is a struggle to just get by and normal activities stress me out so much.
Due to myself being unable to leave home because of anxiety, i've not been seeing doctors or real therapists(besides the clinician that has come to my home). Nothing has been accomplished. The most recent meeting was to try and get me into the psychiatric unit, but obviously that didn't work out. The emergency department is obviously always an option, but I am 90% certain I will be sent home instead of kept inpatient. To them, it doesn't matter how suicidal I am(even if I have a plan). Last time I went was in March and was sent home(Which I made a post about as well). I don't know what their deal is. Apparently its not uncommon in Canada, but how is this legal? What DOES it take to get in? I seriously need intensive help. I can't focus on outpatient therapy while i'm this unstable.
This is one of my old posts made more than 2 years ago. I really appreciate all the responses and suggestions and i've tried almost all of them. It seems like i'm just a hopeless case at this point, especially since nobody will help me. Its just hard to believe sometimes.
A lot has changed since then, including the fact that I no longer even have a psychiatrist.
I am currently taking antidepressants and I am worried because of the testimonies of people here in this link below. Scroll down and you will find them. Some people are fine even after taking them for many years. But some have their lives destroyed. In particular, I am worried about all my motivation and everything about me being wiped out from these medications.
I'm new to this. My last incident has led to this website.
Two weeks ago, I was pretty drunk, okay..wasted and decided I have had enough with life. I took an entire bottle of ambien and woke up in the hospital the next morning. I do remember taking the pills, but it was the drinking that made me do it. Sober, I cant picture hurting myself. Anyhow, now not only am I ashamed. I have to deal with pity from family who are constantly asking how I am doing. AND the medical bills to come for the ambulance and 3 day hospital stay. I do have insurance but im still going to be facing a huge amount of debt. This just makes everything else worse and causes anxiety. ahh
So today I was downtown with a friend. We were going to cross the street and just jay walk cos the lights were red to one side and just turned yellow on the other. She said "Let's just go to the corner" but I said "no let's go now - it's clear" and took a step off the curb.
That's when she grabbed my arm and pulled me back as the bus driver laid on his horn and brakes, narrowly missing making me a big splat on the road.
I didn't MEAN to step in front of a bus. I didn't see it coming - thought it had stopped already. I wasn't / am not feeling suicidal (that I can tell, anyway) but that brush with death...
I didn't care. I was a little disappointed, to be honest. Kinda wished my friend hadn't been so quick. Or that the driver of the bus was distracted.
I don't have the desire to die, to be dead. I'm going through some pretty negatively stressful times right now, but nothing that makes me want to kill myself. I'm feeling kind of dead inside already, but with sharp feelings of emotional hunger. An odd balance...
TLDR: almost got hit by a bus, didn't phase me, kind of disappointed, I'm fucked up.
I feel like it's like Dante's Inferno but more scientific. We are in a simulation but I'm in the wrong simulation and there are too many white noise nonpeople here so like in my dreams I just want to kill myself to wake up.
I gotta keep killing myself to go through simulation hell's levels until I end up in the right place!
I just don't know anymore l, I think about it less at times but now that I'm stressed I think about it all the time.
My tdoc told me that if I can succeed in this simulation then what does it matter—but i don't fit in here. I gotta be in the right one where I can relate to people
I'm avoiding going to hospital because my pdoc will get pissy with me, as he ends up being my IP pdoc. I'm pressured to do well and to stay out of hospital but im doing everything right now like taking my meds and such. But i'll be letting everyone down if I go. Plus it will just get in the way of me getting to the next simulation but my therapist and i have opposing views. She told me to let her deal with him if I need to go but I just want out of the simulation, like how i wake up in my dreams. But i don't know if this is part of the whole thing but i always thought this for a long time..