8 posts in this topic
Books and Losing Them = Grief?
Hello. I was evicted on Monday morning, meaning on Sunday night, I had to get as much stuff as my friend could get into her car and leave home. I had to leave 90+% of my belongings behind including 99% of my books.
It took me 15 years to collect those books. They were all hard cover because I had always planned on having a library in my home to put them in someday. Ever since I had to leave them behind, I have experienced profound sadness and grief when I think about them. I miss them so much and want them back. I am angry that they are lost forever.
I recently lost my dad. He died 3 months ago, January 25th. It was very sudden. Some of what I feel now is what I felt when dad died. I know they are inanimate objects to most people, but they were much more than that to me. I literally had over 100 books.
I have high functioning autism and can become overly attached to "things". Is the feeling I'm feeling normal in any aspect? Do those of you without an ASD relate at all? Just writing this down and knowing I will never have or see my books again has me on the verge of tears.
What do I do and will I die?
I have anhedonia which is a chronic 24/7 absence of all my good moods. It is the result of a dysregulated HPA axis (stress response) that cannot calm down taht is always perpetuating 24/7. I have also recently gotten a urinary tract infection and that has made matters much worse. I now notice that I am having symptoms of hypoxia as well as anemia which are mild at this point. I am afraid that this is going to kill me. Is it really going to kill me?
The whole inflammation process during infection also further dysregulates the HPA axis which means my symptoms of hypoxia and anemia also cannot turn off since as long as the HPA axis is dysregulated, my symptoms also will not ease up either. But my blood test results have come back negative. But I know I really do have hypoxia and anemia. So I am not sure what to do. I know I am not imagining these symptoms either.
Is it ever rational to consider suicide?
Last 2 weeks have been rough with bad anxiety, restlessness, appetite all over the place, upset stomach, continually suicidal.
Around this time last year I first saw a psych and then a psychologist; had my diagnosis updated and then some different medications prescribed but nothing has improved. I didn't trust the psych due to errors, got myself fired as a patient and so now I'm waiting to see another. I'm currently taking nothing but occasional Ativan.
I feel anxiety and guilt about things in the past and then additional guilt about the fact I only feel bad because of the fear and shame if people were to find out. My OCD, intrusive thoughts and ruminating has come back with vengence. My mood is at my lowest point in years (from a low baseline) and I do wonder what is the point in going on. I haven't anything to look forward to and nothing gives me pleasure.
I've had 15 years of moderate depression including some crisis moments and some rare moments where there is a little hope. I can't see any way forward with these MH and chronic pain issues, all I can see a future of more physical health issues, mental anguish, loneliness, isolation and money worries.
Is it ever rational to consider suicide? - I feel it is the ultimate individual choice and I feel angry there is currently no easy or acceptable way to achieve an ending of my choice peacefully. I can see how suicidal thoughts come and go for some people and how acting on them would be a huge mistake, but when there is a consistent pattern over decades is it still irrational?
I'm idulging myself a bit which I'm sure isn't helpful because it is just making realize all the barriers in the way to actually following through. Watching documentaries like the Golden Gate Bridge suicides, assisted suicide with Dignitas or Exit, etc.... it makes me realize I don't have access to euthaniazia drugs, don't think I could jump from a height, there are no firearms in the UK, etc. I do have some pills stored up but when I worked out what I had I realized it is not enough to guarantee a clean death - I don't want to risk a slow or messy exit and at very least I would need antiemetics and time alone as well.
IDK, next week I will see my GP but I don't think they can offer much as I've tried everything and I suspect a request for a large quantity of Pentobarbital would be declined.
I'm so confused
I self harm, and no I don't want to stop. I'm confused because usually people say they wished they had never started self harm, I'm not one of them though. I'm fine with this. It's not only a (kinda bad) coping mechanism, it's calming. I like seeing blood and seeing the cut as it heals and scars. I don't think that's weird, but if it is, oh well.
And I was wondering, if I want to cut deeper without dying or anything like that (and not needing stitches) where would be the best place to do so?
Can a depressed person perceive good meaning in his/her life?
I struggle with depression and I have never perceived any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life while having it. I am wondering if there is a way I can though if I were to work on my thinking. Or if my thoughts alone cannot give me those things.
I would like to ask this question. How can our thoughts alone while depressed be any form of rewarding experience for us? Aren’t they all just thoughts? Aren’t they all nothing more than just the “thinking” experience of our brains that cannot give us any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, inspiration, or rewarding experience? Don’t they just give us nothing more than just words and phrases of those things?
There is the difference between words and phrases and our mental states. So what I am asking here is can we achieve the mental state of love, joy, happiness, and inspiration through our thoughts alone while depressed? Or is it just simply the words and phrases of those things and not the actual mental state of having those things? If this sounds confusing to you, then let me explain more on this:
If a blind and deaf person told his/herself that he/she still has sight and hearing, then he/she would just be telling his/herself nothing more than labels (words and phrases) of sight and hearing. That would not give him/her the actual mental state of sight and hearing which would be the mental state of visualizing objects and perceiving sound. So in that same sense, I am wondering if our thoughts alone while we are depressed do not allow us to perceive good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration just like how a blind and deaf person cannot perceive sight and hearing.
So for that very reason, I am thinking that it is only our good moods alone that allow us to perceive good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in our lives. Our reward system being fully up and running to give us our good moods is the only thing that can allow us to perceive the full degree of those things in our lives.
It has been considered as to whether good and bad are objective or subjective terms. So I am wondering if there really is an objective version of good and bad which would be our good and bad moods. It would be a universal version of good and bad that applies to all human beings. We might currently be deluding ourselves that our lives can be good without our good moods and bad without our bad moods. Same thing applies for the terms love, joy, happiness, inspiration, suffering, despair, anguish, sadness, rage, etc. They are all our good and bad moods.