8 posts in this topic
Not many of you know me, infact probably none of you. But I just picked myself up off the kitchen floor where I had been laying in my own tears and snot for hours, so I figured at least trying to write something out might be helpful.
And where better to do that than somewhere people might actually understand and not tell me to get over it?.
So here it goes.
My name is eleni delacour (yes the suicidal bullied girl from bbc news -sigh-, )I have depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd and lately a while lot of migraines.
I grew up around crime, my mum was a drug dealer and dad and stepdad both abusers, bla bla bla you get the jist.
I spent years not being able to handle physical contact and being afraid of the outside world. 7 years ago I moved to England thinking my life would change. Well it did but it didn't improve, school bullies changed faces but kept their cruelty, my mum got a legit job but still lied and became a hypocrit.
So everything changed but at the same time nothing changed. I still was mentally ill and I got worse, panic attacks began suicidal attempts were constantly on my thoughts... again you get the jist.
5 years ago I met someone who changed my life for the better, he forced me into hugs not drugs, he made me fall madly inlove with him.
Hooray happily ever after! Not!
To this day he is the most amazing person in my life. But the rest of my life is crashing down around me, I finally found my reason to live, and it's slowly becoming my reason to die.
4 years ago I had a mental breakdown at work and lost my job, they put me on strong medication and signed me 'unfit'for work. I was still living with my mother who insisted I went on benefits even though I really didn't want to take money from the goverment.
So yay, I had money. I paid rent to my mum and stayed in my room most of the time, out of the way and best of all away from people. But that wasn't good enough for her, she held an 'intervention'on my lifestyle. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink, as long as I was left alone then I couldn't cause trouble. Couldn't lose control. Couldn't hurt anyone.
But her ideas were different, a bed time, a waking up time, an exercise plan and food plan, scheduled meals and social interaction... no, I didn't want this I just wanted to be left alone.
After I said no she kicked me out. Then lied saying she didn't so I would have no choice but to return home and follow her schedules and plans. I know she done it out of love but she also done it out of selfishness and guilt. Mostly guilt.
So after a few months her and her new boyfriend decide they are done with responsibilities. My sister and I were given a date to move out by because my mum decided we were old enough to look after ourselves. Fair enough.
But being unemployed, unfit for work, drugged up, depressed, and just downright nowhere near ready didn't matter to her.
My boyfriend, the truly amazing man that he is moved out of his mother's and we got a flat together to save me from the fate of homelessness, and suicidal behaviour at the thought of losing my cats (They are my children. Don't judge) and one has brain damage and would be put down if not cared for.
And this is when it's all began, life decided it hasn't kicked me in the nuts enough already so after finding a flat to live in that allowed pets and was affordable once you add up my partner's wages and my benefits, my doctors discharged me as a patient without teĺling me which left me with no meds for 6 weeks, then I found out that by moving in with my partner the goverment now class his wages as mine and took away the little money they have me to live, then I lost all my friends and my volunteer job because I couldn't cope under pressure once. And after all this wasn't enough the goverment have decided I now owe them £2000. Which I found out today.
We can barely survive on what we have but they just want more from us. And I'm still not allowed to work.
I think I'm due another mental breakdown.
The reason for this whole history lesson on my life is this, I feel like a burden.
I feel like all I am doing is costing people money and making their lives difficult. I don't know if it sounds nuts or not considering I love my boyfriend and he loves me. But i want to die, I want to die because I feel like it would be best for him.
Without me he could afford to live and not just survive. I'm stuck in a shot storm and there's nothing I can do to make anything better except cut the head off the snake. I am the root of the problems and I need to go.
It's the only logical thing I could do to fix this. But I can't bring myself to do it because of how much it would hurt him. But sometimes the things that are best for us don't make us happy, he wouldn't be happy for a while but he would be able to live.
Ha and to think I was worried about Christmas!
I have a friend who suffers from horrible flashbacks and I have a question regarding flashbacks. We know the types of experiences flashbacks can bring back such as certain smells, sounds, and emotions.
But are there certain types of experiences that cannot be brought back during a flashback such as feeling hungry, tired, thirsty, etc.? The most important question I have here is, would that also include the completely altered and strange horrible mental states we experience in our dreams and nightmares?
These types of altered mental states during dreams and nightmares cannot be described. They are entirely new experiences unlike any other. They are not experiences like touch, smell, feelings, etc. They are completely altered mental states. So can those altered mental states be brought back and experienced during your waking life during a flashback or not?
So the story is really complicated but I don't know how to move on with my life after it.
To summarize, I got married 4.5 years ago and we moved here together. From the beginning he constantly threatened me with divorce which took its toll on my mood (I tried commiting suicide a few months after moving here). I never wanted to cheat but in addition to threats of divorce, he always called me oversexual and suggested I see a doctor (I wanted sex once a day... not unusual for a guy). Despite all of this I worked hard at a job I hated to support the both of us (he wouldn't work, he was a full time student and could have worked to help me, but he didn't want to do anything not related to his field of study).
Anyway, fast forward we got our green cards (from my work that I only stayed at for him). A few months later he started dating (we were trying an open relationship but dating was not supposed to be allowed). He also lost "part" of his virginity to the guy he was dating and who is now his current boyfriend. He went back home to visit for the summer and asked me for a divorce 7000 miles away. We agreed to try and work through it, but meanwhile he was having sex with lots of different guys and he got back here only to mislead me and get me to still pay for his expenses despite being in love with someone else. He claimed "I can't decide about our relationship if I don't have food" so of course I bought him food...
I'm bipolar and I have tried years and years of medications with no luck. Earlier this year I started smoking meth which I know is not good for you. I minimize the risks as much as possible of course and I can hold my own in an argument about whether it's actually as bad as the media portrays (for example, I know hypertension can cause LVH which is a serious risk factor for things like sudden cardiac death, not to mention aortic dissection and congestive heart failure... I want to be a vet lol).
So here's the thing, smoking meth helps prevent my suicidal thoughts, but I do want to give it up and start focusing on my future. I need help though. Logically I don't want to be married to him, he's a terrible person (you can't say deep down he's a good person, I left out something very big because it's too painful for now, but I can share if it helps you help me :-( ).
How can I move on from what he did? I just can't seem to do it. Logic is failing me which really sucks. What has cheered me up lately is accepting the fact that I think I'm done with relationships. I've had it, and I don't want it. You can say I'm jaded, I'm just in shock, or I'll change my mind one day, but it's the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling down. Recognizing that that part of my life is over. I do have a long road ahead of me, vet school (hopefully) but first I have to work about 2 years to save up for it. But despite a great plan, I can't get over it. It doesn't help that he's not cooperating at all with the divorce (which I now want of course). So now I'm filling out the papers and paying for my own divorce... that's really some twisted stuff right there. See? He's not a good person.
Please help because the suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever. I tried going to a psychiatrist to get on meds again and he said he wouldn't prescribe me anything for at least a few weeks.... I've been on at least 10 bipolar meds and he's making me wait with vivid suicidal thoughts... first, do no harm?
Can anyone help me please?
This is my first post on this board. I was diagnosed and treated for bipolar 1 from 2002-2015. Last year I went off medication, and have been med free since Oct 2015. I went off because I believed the medication was hurting me more than helping and making me sicker. I felt I had nothing to lose.
As a result, I regained mental clarity but had one long mania cycle and I am now in a very depressed cycle which is difficult to.endure.
I am very depressed from stress but mostly from the fact that I now see clearly how my bipolar has wrecked havoc in my life. I am seeing it clearly for the first time and I am accepting it.
I am 52, divorced with 3 kids. My oldest doesn't talk to me at all, my middle has some communication, getting better and now my daughter 13 doesnt speak to me. The alienation creates severe feelings of pain for me. I have hurt them and their mother and this is my reality.
Their mother has played my mental illness against me in the divorce and has sought to alienate me from my children. She has provoked confrontations with me, has had me arreated and has played the victim to the hilt. I now have several court motions to addressential with her on house and alimony and alienation issues.
There is nothing more painful than not having a relationship with your kids.
Because of the massive losses, caused mostly by mania, I am now willing to accept treatment for my bipolar again. I am very afraid of medications that sedate me, make me lose my memory and effect my body weight. I do not trust psychiatrists, pharma, or medication. But I need help.
I am a lost soul right now trying to find my tribe and get direction.
My parents are supportive and a few friends but I have lost nearly all my relationships to my craziness and disorder. I had substance abuse problems as well but have been sober now for almost a year.
I hope to hear from some of you that there is hope, that one can get through massive depression and pain as well as mania and find meaning and purpose in life.
I really need to connect with people that are managing this illness well and might understand. I am powerless over my bipolar and my life is unmanageable. Thank you.
I haven't posted here in nearly a year I guess. Not because I've had some miracle recovery from depression but mainly because I have been managing to survive day to day with a bit of help. I'm on no meds apart from 1 or 2mg per week of lorazepam for panic attacks or sleep. I cut right back from 3mg per day over the last year. Now it is more PRN.
But the last month my mood has gone super low again. I have been looking for a part time job but I realise due to my mental state and physical health I have so many limitations it is almost impossible. My care worker has tried to bring forward my Pdoc appointment, it has been over a year since I saw a doctor. I don't see how they pdoc can help as I have tried so many medications over the years. I also have physical issues going on for years - chronic pain - I had surgery to fix my knee last year which helped a bit but not as good as I had hoped for. I still have pain.. I'm waiting to see a rhematologist now to see if there is something inflammatory going on.
Yes so I feel super low and suicidal again. Plus this week now my mom, the only person I have any real connection with, is waiting on test results to see if she has cancer. This has totally freaked me out. If she has cancer and dies then there is basically nothing left for me at all.
I feel useless. I have failed at study. failed at working. failed at making friends and failed at having a life. my life is 24/7 internet or computer. pathetic.