4 posts in this topic
I have what I like to consider pretty bad GAD and it is most prevalent when I am faced with time pressure and especially with assignments at school.
I always start telling myself "I can't do it" and all i want to do is run away and avoid the stress and do anything to avoid having to deal with it.
this usually takes the form of extensions and excuses and skipping classes and emailing profs, etc.
I've been doing really well this week but for some reason I can't let myself feel that or think to myself that maybe I can do it, because I keep saying to myself, just because I succeeded in the past how do I know I will this time. I've also failed a lot in the past, so that could happen too.
I even feel like writing this post is avoidance even though its really just me reaching out, but I feel pathetic that I can't just deal with my shit on my own.
Right now I have a 1000 word paper due in 3 hours and I tried reading the articles that I need to read but I just got overwhelmed and started writing down all the thoughts that were going through my head. That helped a little because I got the thoughts out, and I guess that's what this is doing too.
I still am majorly fighting the urge to email my prof for an extension, which I prob will be able to get, and get on a bus to go home and hide in bed for as long as possible. I just don't want to face this fear. I freeze up any time I say to myself that I can't do it, and I will do anything to run away.
I guess what I want to know is does anyone else feel this, and if so, how do you cope without running and hiding.
I have some philosophical questions that have been plaguing me for a while now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be happy with any particular conclusion, but I get more gratification out of considering other viewpoints than satisfaction of closure.
My question is, do we have free will or soul mates?
Can we have both?
What are the implications of either?
P.S. Let's not get super scary religious and argumentative etc. spiritual is fine, but no bible thumping OR burning.
So I'm working on a group project (fun..) where we're given like 10 min max to present a short blurb about a mental disorder. I'm in the depression group, and I'm supposed to come up with something to help the class empathize with a person suffering from depression. Here's what I'm supposed to do:
The entire presentation can only be 10 min max, so whatever I do I have to keep it pretty short. I would really love to show the "hyperbole and a half" comics on depression, but that's kind of awkward to read out loud to a class while on a powerpoint... and would take a lot of paper to print for each person to have their own copy.
I also thought I could possibly find a youtube video to show the class... but I can't seem to find anything short enough. The only one I found was extremely...triggering... and I definitely don't want to show that one to the class.
I could also write a tiny bio of what it's like for ME to have depression (I wouldn't say I wrote it-- just quote it as something I found on the internet. I could tell my teacher where I "got" it from later since he knows about my depression already). Something that would be easy to read in like 3 minutes or less. I'm a pretty descriptive writer, so I think I could do it well.
OR I could find someone else's bio or poetry or something and read that. I dunno.
What do you guys think would be a good idea? I want it to be interesting and something that can draw the class in to really try and be empathetic with people who have depression.
There are a few triggers in here, so be forewarned.
School doesn't matter.
That's not to say it always doesn't matter. But it doesn't matter enough. That is to say, it matters in the sense that a education is definitely a good thing, but it doesn't matter enough to justify the agony that has accompanied it for me.
Sometimes I do okay in school. I can focus, my grades are stellar, and I get an immense sense of accomplishment from being top of my class. But, on the other hand, I cannot say that it is uncommon for school to trigger me; for the stress to send me in a downward spiral so hard and fast that it nearly ends in a suicidal overdose. Not that I've ever OD'd before, but I've come very close on several occasions; my voice cracking a bit as I try to act normal for the cashier at the pharmacy, my hands quivering as I count out the pills. But something always snaps me back, and in a brief moment of relative sanity I leave the pharmacy empty-handed or I flush the pills down the toilet.
As I now step back, in these final weeks of my education, I can only shake my head and wonder how I managed to deal with it, tolerate it, and normalize it for so long.
Another degree is not something that is worth dying over. I realize that now.
And this is the lesson I will take along with me as I try to move forward with my life. The lesson that, even if something is highly valued by society, it is not worth pursuing if it's going to drive you to suicide.
Maybe my choice to leave school is damning myself to a life of relative poverty. But at least I'm not likely to be dead by my own hands. And for that I'll take the life of poverty and all the stresses and agonies that come with it. At least then my entire existence won't be boiled down to a grade in a college computer system. I can be a person again. I can have a life again. It will no loner be a life of study-study-read-class-paper-homework-class-paper-quiz-study-test with no room to breathe. No room to live.
My grade for my chemistry class just got worse.
I had a quiz today in my chemistry class, but I didn't really study enough for it, since I forgot about it until today. Before class I started to break down again. I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I gasped for air as I sobbed. I threw up. This panic attack lasted for over two hours. I couldn't find my ativan and I felt helpless to stop the attack.
I feel like part of why I had the panic attack was because I was already in an emotionally precarious place after yesterday's breakdown.
Needless to say, I didn't go to class.
Missing the quiz is going to bring my grade for the class down by 4 points. I'm already struggling, and I needed those 4 points.
I feel terrible right now, and I feel like a complete fuck-up.
Maybe I shouldn't even bother returning to school next semester.