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It's Gonna Be a Rough Night, Tonight
My biggest drawback is my poor stress-response. When I get stressed, my ability to think and react appropriately flies away. I become ridiculously forgetful, and my social anxiety issues go through the roof. The idea of leaving the house or talking to other humans makes my skin crawl, so that if I have to force myself to do it, like at work, I end up dissociating and letting the girls handle it… And while they mean well, none of them are exactly well-versed in dealing with humans either.
Then, if I perceive the issue that is causing the stress to be something insurmountable, it drives me instantly down into depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.
I don’t think I’ve ever been quite as aware of this process until right now. I’ve had more good moods than bad ones lately, and they’ve lasted longer than they have in more than a year, too. I took this to mean that I’m getting close to being back on the “normal” side of the cycle again. Until I got an email on Friday from my landlord’s lawyer that simply read: “I am afraid time has run out. I will be filing at sheriff on Monday." That’s tomorrow.
I’ve already had an eviction hearing, and my landlord was granted the right to evict me. But they told me they would let me stay to give me time to get my insurance company to pay out what they owe me, and if I could make up the back rent they wouldn’t evict. Now, five months behind in rent, my time has run out, and all I can do about it is sit here on this bed and not move. Intrusive thoughts of self-harm are hammering away at my brain, but every time I manage to push one away, two take its place. I want to react. I want to take action. I want to go to my landlord and beg him for more time. But I want to get drunk. I want to cut. I want to die. There are two alters who support the self-harm idea, and two who don’t. Unfortunately, the two who don’t aren’t exactly galvanizing to do anything productive about our situation either, and of the two who support self-harm, one wants me dead.
I’m not sure how this day is going to play out.