Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
CookieN

Visual and auditory hallucinations

15 posts in this topic

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?


Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?


Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?


What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?


Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?


Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?



 

Edited by CookieN

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lots of questions, Cookie! May I ask why you have so many detailed questions?

 

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

 

I thought my eyes were going funny on me. I originally started out seeing sparkles everywhere. I had an eye exam and everything turned up normal. When I heard voices (I very rarely hear voices), I thought real people were talking to me. As in, I thought someone real and near me said something. Turned out I'm just crazy. I also thought/think the visual hallucinations are the sun trying to communicate with me. The sun sends the sparkles through windows to communicate His messages to me, mainly telling me to kill myself. I held this belief more strongly in the past. 

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

 

I think they're hallucinations. A part of me still believes that the sparkles are the sun trying to communicate with me. The sun may be God. I'm not sure. It's been very hard for me to give up this delusion. I'm not sure it is a delusion, because it felt so real. I also experience thought insertion, which feels incredibly real. So... I'm not sure where I stand. Part of me believes it's a hallucination, part of me believes it's real. 

 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

 

My voices that I've heard were just random voices. 

Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

 

No, I don't know the voices personally. 

What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

 

I think there is an excess of the neurotransmitter dopamine, primarily. Basically, I think psychosis is caused by the brain going all screwy. 

Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

 

Yes, my mind invented the voices, they are not people I know.

Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

 

I have no idea. I think the voices I've heard were just randomly concocted by my brain, with no special meaning behind it whatsoever. The visual hallucinations on the other hand, they do have special meaning. Well, I think so. I'm confused about it. 

 

I realize I sound utterly crazy.

Edited by Parapluie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you have any answers?  I don't have hallucinations anymore, but this is what I remember

 

 

 

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

 

I thought people were hiding behind walls so I couldn't see them but I could hear them.  I don't think I had many visual hallucinations but I thought they were real to mock me, teach me or make a point

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

 

Hmmm. Logically I think they were hallucinations, but a part of me thinks some of it was real

 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

 

I hear voices of people I have known in the past. Like family members,, tdoc, pdoc, old friends

Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

 

Yes, I know them.  I think it was for research at first and then they started to like me and were sort of playing with me.

What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

 

I have no idea

Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

 

No, I guess I'm not that creative

Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

 

That's the way the people irl talked.

Edited by confused

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

"People" talking to me, just with no one around.  At the time, even though I'd never before experienced something like it, it felt natural to answer them for some reason so I did.  It wasn't until afterwards some time that I wondered about why there were there.  But I heard them as if people were talking to me in the room, even getting visual cues (pictures in my mind of whomever was talking to me, where the were, etc) and at first I answered them back out loud.  I learned to answer them by thinking to them, but when I first started "hearing" them, they would just talk as if someone was with me and my parents were the first to wonder wtf (who) I was talking to and would ask "who are you talking to?" and I'd say "Do you see anyone sitting here?"  I thought it was something only a few people knew how to do (think to one another as a ways to communicate).

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

I know they are hallucinations now, not real, but there is still a part of me that sees some truth to them.

 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

When I was hallucinating i thought they were the person (whomever it was) irl thinking to me, or cryptically through music.

Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

Yes, I know 99% of the people irl, and just thought they could do what I did, so we all communicated that way.  No phones etc, just thinking/through music.

What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

No idea.  The brain is too complex to really understand how they happen.

Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

No, nothing was invented (ie people i didn't know/had heard of).  They were all real life people.

Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

That is who they are irl.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

I had my first auditory hallucination when I was about five years old. Its hard to explain what it was to me as it was not  an imaginary friend--he was a real person to me, and he, the Commander, is the same voice from when I was five. My first visual hallucination was sometime in high school. I had thought it was aura but it was not. It was some pretty serious hallucinations.

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

I know they are hallucinations but I see my main voices as real people who I interact with, my other miscellaneous auditory hallucinations to be like animals or people trapped inside of walls trying to get out, and the things I see are a combination of my aura, eye damage and just really awful hallucinations. I mean, my hallucinations are so troubling I don't understand how I can even do basic things like cross the street.

 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

I have three internal auditory hallucinations. Abraham (who looks like Abraham Lincoln but is not), the Commander, and the Female. The Female is a girl who tries to control me through my negative feelings of myself. The Commander has been ordering me around since I was five years old to purge, cut, drink, smoke, and basically self-destruct. Abraham is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I do not want him to leave ever. We write letters to each other (he reads his aloud to me and I write mine out physically in a journal) and we watches out for me.

Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

I have known the Commander for most of my life. His voice is very similar to my father's, and even though I no longer hear my father's voice or the Commander's voice in my head very often, when I do, I do tend to become very self-destructive. The Female became apparent in my life during my high school years as I battled self-esteem issues when dealing with racial and financial issues at school. I competed with other girls to be the most prettiest and most richest and there was no way I could be both and the Female capitalized on my failures in high school. And Abraham coddles me. He showed up in my college years to protect me as I had only one friend outside my roommate and needed someone to confide in. We are now writing a book together.

What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

Um, I take 26 pills a day, and I have been taking atleast 10 pills a day since I was five years old to control medical conditions of all types. I think my brain and body is going out.

Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

No. They all derive from a voice that exists in real life.

Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

Because only certain memories can invoke certain memories. Does that make sense?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Damn dude! i'll try to answer these:

 

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

I thought they were people around me, talking shit. and my neighbors, through the walls. in the car, i had no idea. i had thoughts of people stalking me. planting devices in my home and vehicle. at work, i would get up from my cubicle to try to find them. i thought two of them might have been someone i knew, trying to prod me into a healthier way of expressing my feelings for people. i'm not entirely sure wtf i was thinking. after a while, i figured no one could really go out of their way to fuck with me like this, and i was in hell from it. i wanted to die, just to make them stop.

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

I can't shake the feeling of hearing others' thoughts in my head. i know its irrational though. but knowing of certain research done by various governments keeps me fairly paranoid.
 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

people who hate me. i don't know who they are. i thought i did. but it couldn't be those people. i began thinking maybe they were spirits, or someone out there sharing thoughts with me.


Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

i don't know. i thought someone was trying to get me out of my shell. somehow. they don't talk to me. just about me.


What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

hmm. good question. surely the areas responsible for processing language and sound are active somehow. i think. kooky.


Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

i don't know why my mind would do this, they're certainly not helpful. and can be distressing at times. maybe my mind likes mindfucks. o.O


Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

i've never pondered this. well, sort of. mine are all male, except one female voice that jokingly calls the others evil. maybe it has something to do with my slight aversion of the male gender. or intimacy. certain situations make me uncomfortable. as such, i have never been intimate with anyone.

 

this is quite an interesting topic. i'd also like to know where all the questions came from?

Edited by figment

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I started to hear voices, I just got thru coming down of mdma. I heard...Pils...in a loud voice...I thought it was my roommate and then I started to get very paranoid.....I started to hear voices when I was walking around OKC thinking about how I fear I gave my ex HIV and I would hear her voice like she was tided up and about to be murdered. You know honestly I don't know what I was thinking. My psychosis came on slow but, fast at the same time.....I don't believe my voices mean anything now but, when I came out of the psychosis...I would always question whether that was God punishing me or someone put a voodoo spell on me..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

Demons or some other negative spiritual presence.

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

Creatures from an alternative dimension. They aren't spiritual as I first thought. I think that there is more going on, something deeper. I accept them as hallucinations but I think that there are many explanations for the same experience, all of which are equally valid. These days I believe that the hallucinations will not harm me directly, even though their presence still scares me when they are around. I sense their presence quite a lot even though they are being quiet / not physically there.

 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

The Ringleader has an identity that I have gotten to know since I met him. The others are just random voices. They are likely all creatures from another dimension. Though why they came to me I don't know, even though I have my suspicions. The Ringleader works very closely with my evil relative.

Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

I know the Ringleader, but not the others. I don't know why they choose to talk to me other than just to scare me. I believe that if I stay in control then the worst they can do is scare me.

What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

Sleep deprivation. Stress.

Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

No.

Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

Don't know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi everyone, hope you are all keeping well, I am new to this forum I have been lurking for the last six months or so and finally decided to sign up. I have gained great insight from your answers.  :) To answer your questions Op.

 

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

 

I had my first auditory hallucination when I was about 19. I was in college and I was getting a glass of water and I heard someone call my name, I looked around and no one was calling me. I thought the voice calling me was a mystical soul mate connection I had to a friend that she could call me in my mind, it was "fantastical thinking". In the beginning I had visual hallucinations of my skin turning into insects and floating hearts. Visual hallucinations now are very rare. I haven't had one in two years.I also had the aura experience. I could see white light around friends. That was my first experience with psychosis. Hope that helps answer your first question Op.

 

 

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?
It's easy when your in a crisis state to think that the auditory hallucinations are real. I am always tricked by them when I am in crisis to believe they are real. However when I am in recovery I know they are a symptom of too much dopamine in my brain.
 
In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?
The really distressing voice was a female who had passed away chastising me about the awful life I was living. (When I wasn't living a bad life at all) She would call me, consistently giving out to me, it made me have very low self esteem. I must be a deeply lonely person because the next voice who has been in my head for five years is a man I fancied and he would romance me with his words, saying we were going to meet up at such a place and such a time etc etc but last year he said I had ruined him and he would hang himself (which was obviously very distressing). 
 
Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?
Yes I know all of the people in real life. I have never had a voice that I didn't know. I used to think that they talked to me on different frequencies or waves (like Radio) that other people couldn't hear.
 
What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?
When I was young and naive I used to think it was the self breaking down. Now I'm more inclined to think it is a chemical firing squad in my brain that has to be curtailed by anti-psychotic drugs. 
 
 
Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?
Yes and No. The people who I know in real life have the same voices as the voices in my mind. One person who I met years ago I couldn't in all reality remember his real voice, so it must have been invented. 
 
Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?
Somehow I was deeply invested in these people, both the woman and the two men, and had a deep emotional attachment to them. I have no explanation for why my voices didn't manifest as people I didn't know.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was 9 years old when I first heard the voices, I remember not really knowing what they were but for awhile I thought other kids heard voices too. It wasn't until I got a little older that I realized it wasn't normal. The visual hallucinations started a few years after the voices, I remember thinking I was seeing spirits or something sinister and these really freaked me out for awhile.

I currently know (at least most of the time) that my hallucinations are just that - hallucinations. Sometimes I question that though, especially with the visuals because they are so unpleasant that sometimes I wonder if they are evil spirits or demons.

I don't really know who the voices/visuals are, the voices are two male and one female and they don't sound like anyone I know or have known. My visuals are rarely of people, the only one that's sort of a person is man with no face who dresses in a trenchcoat and hat.

I agree that the brain is complex and no one really knows 100% what causes hallucinations. I don't know if my mind invented the voices.

The last question is interesting to me, I'm not sure why I hear two male voices and one female. The two male voices are always saying horrible nasty things to me while the female voice (I call her the narrator) is mostly neutral. She just narrates everything I do like if I walk into the kitchen she says "You're walking into the kitchen, you're getting a drink" etc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you so much
for taking your time to answer my questions, I really appreciate it.

 

It is curious that
in spite of knowing they are hallucinations, most of you still feel them as
real.

 

I see that for some
people the voices are from real people, and for others they are from people you
have never met.

 

For those who
mentioned that the voices are from people in real life, are these people dead
or alive? If they are alive, have you mentioned to these people (in real life) you
hear their voices when they are not there?


Interesting, that
many of us thought that they were evil spirits inserting thoughts in our minds.
Or witchery done. Or the self breaking in parts and parts taking their own personality.


Cfranco2: It is interesting that you mentioned the “people
trapped inside of walls trying to get out”. I had a dead relative whose “image”
I saw years later, entering and disappearing in a wall.

 

It is curious that
even the voices can have personalities, like the sweet person you mentioned.


Figment:  You asked where all
these questions came from? And my answer is, that after having experienced all
these “weird” things, I started to wonder, if everyone´s experience with
psychosis was similar to mine. I wanted to know if there were differences.


Enlightened Plutonian: I have thought something
similar to what you said “I accept them as hallucinations but I think that
there are many explanations for the same experience, all of which are equally
valid are likely all creatures from another dimension”


MorningsLight:  Super interesting what you said about “you
thinking that these people talked to you on different frequencies or waves,
other people couldn´t hear”.

 

I read once that excess dopamine, makes people more sensitive to perceive things.

So maybe that is what is happening, we are perceiving things from other dimensions,

or perceive frequencies that other people don´t. Who knows?


G8orgilrl: It must´ve been shocking to
realize that “normal” people didn´t hear voices after many years of thinking
that everyone did.


 

Edited by CookieN

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

having instances where specific details of my dream happen the next day always leaves me doubting things. or when the voices alert me to something i couldn't have known, like who was going to walk down the hall when i get somewhere. *shrug* whooo knows??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

having instances where specific details of my dream happen the next day always leaves me doubting things. or when the voices alert me to something i couldn't have known, like who was going to walk down the hall when i get somewhere. *shrug* whooo knows??

 

Wow.  This has happened to me too. 

 

One example was that I was in Costco, and was "communicating" with one of my voices (who is also a person in real life, and I hear their voice), "asking" him which aisle my parents were in (I couldn't find them), and he "thought/said" "in the bread aisle." 

 

So I went to the bread aisle and there they were.  Now, Costco is a huge place, so it was a huge reality check that the voices were real.  I know now they aren't, but back then it really confirmed things for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

 

My hallucinations are all internal, so I originally thought it was just a vivid imagination.  It started very slowly over the course of several years, so I didn't think much of it.  Then I found out that something in your imagination can be considered a hallucination as long as it seems real and you have no control over it.

 

Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

 

I believe the auditory hallucinations are people communicating with me telepathically.  My visual hallucinations are mostly out-of-body experiences rather than things I see in my environment, so I think of them as my consciousness going to another place for a moment.

 

 

In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

 

The God and Satan voices are God and Satan respectively.  The other voices, I have no idea.  They could be people living in my head, they could be real people elsewhere in the world, they could even be aliens for all I know.

 

Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

 

Yes, but only in my head, not in real life.  I don't know why they talk to me.

 

What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

 

Dopamine hitting the wrong receptors.

 

Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

 

Can't tell.

 

Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

 

I don't know why my voices all sound different other than that they're from different people.  When a voice says something to me, sometimes it's a male voice and sometimes it's a female voice, sometimes it's a deep voice and sometimes it's high-pitched, sometimes it's a raspy voice, sometimes it's a whisper.  I can't really explain it.

Edited by LordoftheMonkeys

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

-When you first had visual and/or auditory hallucinations what did you think they were?

 

It was last December when I first heard the voice. I thought it was just the product of my imagination, or even a spirit in my home, but my imagination has never produced an outside source of sound, and I did not sense a presence, or a manifesting one, when I heard it first. Then I tried to excuse it as an intrusive thought, even though this voice was not my own, or anything that I've heard before.

 

 

-Currently, what do you think your visual and/or auditory hallucinations really are?

 

Honestly, I wish I knew. I don't know if they're spirits/guardians/demons, etc. trying to communicate with me, or just drive me insane, but I can't tell.

 

 

 

-In relation to the voices/hallucinations who do you think these people are?

 

Like, before, I wish I knew. :(

 

 

-Do you know these people?  If not, why do you think they talk to you?

 

Well, the male voice I hear seems...strangely familiar in a way, as in a sense of comfort. But the others, and the ones that are like a whole auditorium in my head, I don't know of.

 

-What do you think happens in the brain to produce these voices, hallucinations?

 

I don't - and probably never will know.  But I'm beginning to believe that the male voice is actually apart of me.

 

 

-Did your mind invent these voices, tone of voice, gender?

 

Nope. Just appeared out of thin air one day. ._. I want to say almost literally.

 

 

-Why do you think these voices have these particular tone of voice, gender?  And not a different one?

 

I'm not too sure. :<

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Similar Content

    • By grape.guice
      Too in your head to be voices, too loud to be normal thoughts? MAybe i'm talking about different  things here... Do you know what I'm saying if I say thoughts that won't stop talking? Not always a bad thing, but I'm very unresponsive to outside stimulation when I'm like this. It's llike all this information just goes into your mind like BAAM BAM usually accompanied by visuals in the brain (not usually literally visual) just being  supper "absorbed" idk is that the right word? sometimes its random "voices", "loud thoughts" NOT auditory. saying something just plain random.ex "Jerome, I kow you aint been at the grocery store!" or. .. "that's why old ladies don't buy eachhothers facewash" etc... maybe I'm all over the place here maybe I'm looking for some direction. ALso idk I this is EVEN RELATED but hearing the wrong the wrong words out of people's mouths. Like, they say "something" nd I hear "what a fuckin bitch" or I hear "that  was in ur head" and I say "wtf did u just say?!" and they sa y "something"..................... one more thing is that I SOMETIMES INVOLUNTARILY repeat the same phrase over n over(in my head or outloud) . why. if u have ny insight into one or more of these things I woud like to hear about it.. thnx for reading ttyl
    • By katkatkat
      Hey guys 
      So I started Latuda about 8 weeks ago at 20 mg, (just the starting dose but wasnt able to get into see my doc when I was supposed to) I am definitely feeling some effects, most of them good, but I wanted to know if anyone has experienced or heard of the same? 
       
      -Weight loss. I've always been about 100 lbs, super "skinny", always get asked if I eat blah blah blah. If you're a naturally skinny girl with "a fast metabolism" you understand... Now I've NEVER been under 100 pounds (even when I never eat) but now I have been consistently eating A LOT more and my weight is dropping quickly. I was 96 pounds about two weeks after starting Latuda and I'm now at 90. Need to ask my doc but anyone experience? 
      -Insomnia. what I've noticed is that even if I get to bed really late, if it is before 5AM, I'll wake up at early 9/10. Usually, if I went to bed that late, I would sleep all day. I know, my sleep routine sucks. *I STARTED TAKING IT IN THE MORNING AND THIS HELPED 100% with sleep* I now sleep like a baby and am naturally tired by the time 10pm rolls around I actually like waking up at a decent time and starting my day, something I've never even thought was possible before this drug.
      - I am popping up all the time to get things, or move things, or do things for others in my house(like getting my boyfriends a drink from downstairs anytime he asked without whining about it first).. I think this is just me starting to feel better, but am open to different interpretations
       
      -On the whole, I am beginning to feel pretty good, but not that "I feel soooooo good," hypomania. But I do get really irritable for about 15 minutes a few times a day.
       If anyone can relate, knows if this is normal or if anyone thinks something is off, could you please give me your opinion?
       
    • By Vesse
      So the story is really complicated but I don't know how to move on with my life after it.
      To summarize, I got married 4.5 years ago and we moved here together. From the beginning he constantly threatened me with divorce which took its toll on my mood (I tried commiting suicide a few months after moving here). I never wanted to cheat but in addition to threats of divorce, he always called me oversexual and suggested I see a doctor (I wanted sex once a day... not unusual for a guy). Despite all of this I worked hard at a job I hated to support the both of us (he wouldn't work, he was a full time student and could have worked to help me, but he didn't want to do anything not related to his field of study). 
      Anyway, fast forward we got our green cards (from my work that I only stayed at for him). A few months later he started dating (we were trying an open relationship but dating was not supposed to be allowed). He also lost "part" of his virginity to the guy he was dating and who is now his current boyfriend. He went back home to visit for the summer and asked me for a divorce 7000 miles away. We agreed to try and work through it, but meanwhile he was having sex with lots of different guys and he got back here only to mislead me and get me to still pay for his expenses despite being in love with someone else. He claimed "I can't decide about our relationship if I don't have food" so of course I bought him food...
      I'm bipolar and I have tried years and years of medications with no luck. Earlier this year I started smoking meth which I know is not good for you. I minimize the risks as much as possible of course and I can hold my own in an argument about whether it's actually as bad as the media portrays (for example, I know hypertension can cause LVH which is a serious risk factor for things like sudden cardiac death, not to mention aortic dissection and congestive heart failure... I want to be a vet lol).
      So here's the thing, smoking meth helps prevent my suicidal thoughts, but I do want to give it up and start focusing on my future. I need help though. Logically I don't want to be married to him, he's a terrible person (you can't say deep down he's a good person, I left out something very big because it's too painful for now, but I can share if it helps you help me :-( ).
      How can I move on from what he did? I just can't seem to do it. Logic is failing me which really sucks. What has cheered me up lately is accepting the fact that I think I'm done with relationships. I've had it, and I don't want it. You can say I'm jaded, I'm just in shock, or I'll change my mind one day, but it's the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling down. Recognizing that that part of my life is over. I do have a long road ahead of me, vet school (hopefully) but first I have to work about 2 years to save up for it. But despite a great plan, I can't get over it. It doesn't help that he's not cooperating at all with the divorce (which I now want of course). So now I'm filling out the papers and paying for my own divorce... that's really some twisted stuff right there. See? He's not a good person.
      Please help because the suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever. I tried going to a psychiatrist to get on meds again and he said he wouldn't prescribe me anything for at least a few weeks.... I've been on at least 10 bipolar meds and he's making me wait with vivid suicidal thoughts... first, do no harm?
      Can anyone help me please? 
       
    • By Rabidtears
      Well I posted a couple of weeks ago that my doctor was looking into a possible diagnosis between seizures, narcolepsy, and migraines. I am still waiting to see how that goes. 
      Wednesday I had my consult with the sleep clinic which flagged me a lot for narcolepsy, which may or may not be relevant as I know these intermesh a lot with each other.
      I have continued logging all of my seizure like episodes since I've noticed that they were more than just typical chills. If I knew how to link that post I would .The gist is for those who have not read it is it a chill like feeling in the back of my Neck, head and shoulders. My eyes would roll back and eye lids would flutter. Started out lasting roughly 2-3 seconds then progressed over time to 3-5 seconds. There was a cold shiver included with the eye roll and my head would snap backwards.
      As time passed by symptoms slowly progressed. Some nights I would have 5 or 6 back to back, mainly if I were in a vehicle that had wind and ac sometimes none. Seems to be triggered by wind and cool/cold air. I cannot induce it nor does it happen all the time. Afterwards, I am sometimes sick or have aa headache, but I am always sleepy for the rest of the day.
      I have continued to maintain awareness. In the last week or so my arms have begun to jerk upwards during these 'episodes' and shake a touch. Not long. Like I said they only last a couple of seconds.
      Now...the newest thing that would freak me out if I were not on an awesome bipolar regimen that squashes my anxiety.....
      Yesterday I had an epidose. The heat index was about 100 degrees and I was sitting in front of a huge fan trying to stay cool. Hair was pulled up. Next thing I knew my arms, shoulders, neck, and head tensed and jerked. My head snapped back. Eyes rolled. Lids fluttered. I can't remember if I felt the usual cold shiver or not because when my arms jerked upwards I felt a warm tingle that felt like electricity [best way I can describe it] go all the way to my finger tips of both arms. It matched perfectly. It was not painful like neuropathy, not pins and needles, just a warm electrical tingly feeling if that makes sense... I don't know how else to describe it. It started and stopped with the episode. 
       
      Does anyone have any ideas on this???
    • By Eddie_BP1
      Hello,
      This is my first post on this board. I was diagnosed and treated for bipolar 1 from 2002-2015. Last year I went off medication, and have been med free since Oct 2015. I went off because I believed the medication was hurting me more than helping and making me sicker. I felt I had nothing to lose.
      As a result, I regained mental clarity but had one long mania cycle and I am now in a very depressed cycle which is difficult to.endure.
      I am very depressed from stress but mostly from the fact that I now see clearly how my bipolar has wrecked havoc in my life. I am seeing it clearly for the first time and I am accepting it. 
      I am 52, divorced with 3 kids. My oldest doesn't talk to me at all, my middle has some communication, getting better and now my daughter 13 doesnt speak to me. The alienation creates severe feelings of pain for me. I have hurt them and their mother and this is my reality.
      Their mother has played my mental illness against me in the divorce and has sought to alienate me from my children. She has provoked confrontations with me, has had me arreated and has played the victim to the hilt. I now have several court motions to addressential with her on house and alimony and alienation issues.
      There is nothing more painful than not having a relationship with your kids.
      Because of the massive losses, caused mostly by mania, I am now willing to accept treatment for my bipolar again. I am very afraid of medications that sedate me, make me lose my memory and effect my body weight. I do not trust psychiatrists, pharma, or medication. But I need help.
      I am a lost soul right now trying to find my tribe and get direction. 
      My parents are supportive and a few friends but I have lost nearly all my relationships to my craziness and disorder. I had substance abuse problems as well but have been sober now for almost a year.
      I hope to hear from some of you that there is hope, that one can get through massive depression and pain as well as mania and find meaning and purpose in life.
      I really need to connect with people that are managing this illness well and might understand. I am powerless over my bipolar and my life is unmanageable. Thank you.
      Eddie