27 posts in this topic
Hi lovely people.
This could be a long post so thanks in advance if you make it to the end.
I went to see the psychiatric nurse on Friday after being referred by my GP. After a lengthy chat she said I definitely have bipolar but is concerned that there is an element of a personality disorder there too. This has worried me as I have always thought (and I'm probably wrong) that bipolar was something chemical and always been there even if not diagnosed, and a personality disorder was a result of a traumatic event. I have had a flashback for years to an episode when I was I was six, and the memory is clear, but I cannot remember what led to it. I have tried to talking to family members but it resulted in us moving 150 miles away from my mother's family, and me going to a child shrink for two years. I genuinely don't know what it was that happened, I just remember the aftermath. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is possible (and I really don't know if I want to know) that I was sexually abused.
So I have done a lot of thinking. My hypersexuality is a fucking nightmare. When I am off on one, I have to have it. I don't care, and I have put myself in the most dangerous positions. The nurse said as I am in a void state right now, she wants me to see the psychiatrist as quickly as possible to try and get me medicated before my next high or low.
In my highs I have believed I am superwoman. This has resulted in head injuries because of my obvious inability to fly once I have actually taken off. I have, as an eight year old child, jumped across train tracks as the trains have approached to see if I could beat the trains. What scares me is that it's not a death wish, it's a thrill seek. In my lows I have slashed my wrists and taken OD's of painkillers and Sertraline (given to me after a misdiagnosis of stress). My life has been an erratic nightmare.
I suffer from white noise - I have in situations in the past done such things as pick up a table and throw it to stop the noise, and crushed a glass in my hand when at a social function just to stop the noises in my head. I was 13 then. I threw a chair at my teacher when I was eleven, shaved my head when I was 13, and spent most of my life (including right now) almost unable to walk with holes in my feet I have picked and gorged out. I got expelled from school but took my exams and aced them.
I hate my own company and the company of others. I trust nobody. Certain smells make me vomit. I haven't washed my face with water for maybe 30 years - I can't even let the shower go over my face. I have the most sensitive gag reflex ever and eat so slowly, but I am always hungry and am obese. I can't stand my family anywhere near me but I love them and can't be without them. Married twice, various live in partners etc.
Once I was pissed off watching tv so I went to the shop to buy chocolate. I got on a bus, and got off in central London. I saw a sign for Eurostar and followed it. Next thing I woke up in Lille, France and thought shit, I need to go home! No mobile phones in 1997.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Am i bipolar, attention seeking, stupid, fucked up - what?
I'm not even asking for an answer. I just thought that someone reading this might think oh my god, I feel like that too.
I have a dual diagnosis as bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder. I lean more towards depression but have had bouts of extreme anxiety, daily suicidal thinking, anger, and risky sexual behavior. I am on 300mg of Lithium and 25mg of Lamictal and tapering up to 50mg soon. I feel exhausted all the time currently with episodes of intense anger and general sadness. I'm looking for other people with this dual diagnosis to share what meds they have tried and what has worked for them. I cannot currently say that my meds have helped. I know I am at a very low dose. In my mind I have tried so many meds (seroquel, Lexapro, Lithium, Lamictal, Nardil, Parnate, Abilify, Topemax)....all of these in various combinations with one another. I have and still feel like an outsider, a weirdo, mentally unstable. I would like to find others with my same struggle who are perhaps finding relief. Please share with me.
Hello everyone, last 5 days i feel depressed, but not "clasical" depressed, i've anxiety,irritiabilty,anger, high energy, i want to do something,but can't focus on just one thing what to do. Sleep is distrubated,fragmentary. body feels exhausted,but mind is active, i also have suicidal thoughts.
I think I'm a bit symptomatic at the moment, and I have noticed several instances of paranoid style thinking occurring. Rather than risk myself and ask my supervisor whether certain things are normal, thought I'd ask you all first.
Sorry about the wall of text! I've stuck double spacing in it as I know I am struggling to read large blocks of text as well at the moment.
I'm struggling with being verbally articulate at the moment. I have noticed my speech is a lot slower and disjointed, lots of pauses and changes of direction etc - and sometimes someone says something, like a comment or has a pause in conversation, and I think something in response but the words just don't come out. I am a bit embarrassed about it, because I think my speech is probably indicative to others that I am really mentally challenged.
I have just started the training period of a new full time position at my job. The supervisor who manages this role has been giving me an awful lot of help. Especially, she is spending a lot of time going through my exercises with a fine toothed comb before sending it to quality for marking, so it makes me seem like I am doing better than I actually am.
I don't know whether the amount of help/support she is giving me is normal. She gave me a lot of encouragement when I applied for the job, so I suspect she went out on a limb for me to get the job, and wants to make sure I get through the training period, as it reflects on her as well. I also suspect she is giving me a lot of help because I am cognitively challenged at the moment with the schizoaffective flare up, and she thinks I am a lot less intelligent than I think I am.
One of my colleagues mentioned that they had noticed my supervisor spending a lot of time with me, so now I'm paranoid they're all talking about me. I heard a phrase 'I don't think she realizes it' said by somebody else yesterday, and even without context I was sure they were/are talking about me.
I am also a little suspicious work is monitoring my personal devices, although my logical brain is trying to tell me otherwise.
Also, given I am now spending 5 full days at work, I am starting to get to know my supervisors better. Or rather, they are starting to get to know me better. I have had to disclose things like the fact that I am urgently house hunting, because home-opens are on at stupid times, so I had to shift my hours around to accommodate that. Which led to discussions about houses and living situations and just general personal chit-chat. I also had to explain why I was putting in a leave request for the christmas/new years time period, and how my family live overseas so I was going to visit. I also had to talk about volunteering I am starting next week, as I had to shift my hours slightly so I could get there in time for that.
This sharing of personal details is freaking me out. I don't know whether it is normal to chat with supervisors/managers about these things, or anything about your life at all. I feel like they know way too much about me already. Mum is of the opinion is that everything should be kept private so no-one can use it against you- especially not, god forbid, someone in a position of authority already knowing personal information.
I realise this is part of the reason why I have been socially isolated over the last couple of years - even small talk with people I don't know can lead to paranoid freak outs because they now know things about me they can and will use against me.
On the other hand, I have wondered about disclosing my mental health struggles to this supervisor (who is kind, caring, and supportive - of course, I wouldn't be specific unless they asked, just label it a mental health issue.) Mostly because I am embarrassed about how stupid I must come across as, and I think they have likely noticed my difficulties with speaking, lately. That and it might explain my utter social awkwardness and anxiety in social situations. I was thinking of making sure I get through the training period, and then having a conversation about it. Then again, of course, this is private information that may be used against me, and they can always choose to discriminate and decide I am too much of a liability. As someone once said, to an employer you are not friends or family, you are an expense, and you should act accordingly.
Ok, I think that covers everything. Thanks much for reading!
Too in your head to be voices, too loud to be normal thoughts? MAybe i'm talking about different things here... Do you know what I'm saying if I say thoughts that won't stop talking? Not always a bad thing, but I'm very unresponsive to outside stimulation when I'm like this. It's llike all this information just goes into your mind like BAAM BAM usually accompanied by visuals in the brain (not usually literally visual) just being supper "absorbed" idk is that the right word? sometimes its random "voices", "loud thoughts" NOT auditory. saying something just plain random.ex "Jerome, I kow you aint been at the grocery store!" or. .. "that's why old ladies don't buy eachhothers facewash" etc... maybe I'm all over the place here maybe I'm looking for some direction. ALso idk I this is EVEN RELATED but hearing the wrong the wrong words out of people's mouths. Like, they say "something" nd I hear "what a fuckin bitch" or I hear "that was in ur head" and I say "wtf did u just say?!" and they sa y "something"..................... one more thing is that I SOMETIMES INVOLUNTARILY repeat the same phrase over n over(in my head or outloud) . why. if u have ny insight into one or more of these things I woud like to hear about it.. thnx for reading ttyl