17 posts in this topic
Spoke with pdoc today as I was in a really bad way. He talked with the nurses from the home based treatment team and between them they felt I should be admitted to the Acute Psychiatric Unit.
I really don't want to be so he had another meeting with the home base treatment team and it was agreed that the support for me would be increased and i would get more visits and phone calls from the nurses over the next few days and could see the on call pdoc and be admitted if it comes to that. My pdoc also increased my sodium valproate to 1500 mg and I can have an extra 1 mg clonazepam PRN. I have access to the on call pdoc over the weekend if my meds need to be changed again.
Hope I don't totally crack up over the weekend. I really don't want to go inpatient despite suicidal thoughts. They are only thoughts. Right now the blackness and agitation and racing thoughts are really difficult to deal with but I need to keep going. Feel scared
Thanks for listening/reading my rant
Well I seem to be in a never ending mixed state. Making some progress, the mood changes are softer, if that makes sense. But, my moods even confuse me, let alone the people in my life.
My biggest struggle is recognizing when the depression comes that it is not permanent. It seems for ever, I do damage to myself when I get like that, mentally and physically.
So, was wondering if anyone has, I don't know, tips maybe.
I seem to float untethered from mood to mood. My lack of control is starting to make me restrict and vomit my food up. All for a sense of control. I have not had an eating disorder ever in my life, unless you count amphetamine abuse. I will talk to Tdoc and pdoc about this. But want to hear from others.
I try to stay present, I try distraction, I even hide in sleep.
Just can't seem to stay stable for any period of time.
When I'm hypomanic I've done things I found embarrassing (especially when I was delusional), but nothing I would describe as dangerous. Unlike my mixed states which would definitely be under the dangerous category (self harm, suicidal, ect). That doesn't seem to be unusual, but when I'm falling into depression it's a completely different experience.
Sometimes it's like I can feel a depressed episode coming on. It feels like this hole in my chest that keeps growing and every part of me is falling inside, piece by piece. I feel the most reckless and impulsive during this time. I haven't completely got into the laying in bed, staring into space depression state yet, but I know it's coming. Mostly I just feel numb and when given the chance I end up doing all kinds of things to not feel that way. From getting a tattoo (which I love) to coloring my hair pink (which looked awful) to spending too much money on anything that could bring me even a little happiness. Then I've done other things like drinking a lot while on medication which I would never do normally.
I don't feel hyper and focused the way I do with hypomania or restless and angry like a mixed state. I just feel like I'm sinking slowly and all I want is to feel like someone else for a while. I don't know if this counts as depression or some other state. Has anyone else had a similar situation?
I'm relatively new here and had a recent tentative diagnosis of Bipolar II after months of being MDD only. The tl;dr of this is that I'm not sure I understand the difference between "agitated depression" and "mixed states," and how those related to a dx of MDD versus Bipolar. Read more below.
I've struggled with depression for years, and finally saw a pdoc and started an SSRI in October '12. Still having breakthrough episodes in Jan so upped dose to 15 mgs and promptly went into my first real manic episode -- hypersexuality, spendy, restless, considered divorce, flying high for days, etc. I found it both thrilling and troubling and knew something was "wrong" but wasn't sure what. Googling revealed that antidepressants can trigger mania in people who are bipolar. Further reading on bipolar helped me realize that I've probably been experiencing hypomania for years, primarily in the spring: restlessness, agitation, super bitchy/angry, unable to feel settled or content, taking on lots of new projects/hobbies, spending money, wanting to move (or moving!), wanting to have a baby (and getting pregnant!), wishing for major life changes, etc etc. But I wasn't ever flying, happy, or euphoric, and had a lot of bad, grumpy, unhappy days.
When I described this to my pdoc at our last appt, when I finally 'fessed up about the manic behavior and we were discussing mood stabilizer options, she mentioned "agitated depression" as another possibility. I'm confused as to what the difference is. Is there a difference? Is it just a matter of terminology? Does the fact that I was triggered into mania by my antidepressant mean I'm not "really" bipolar? Could it just be atypical depression? She was less interested in nailing down a dx than understanding and treating the symptoms (for now, I am continuing the Lexapro and titrating Lamictal, with plans to lower the Lexapro dosage after I'm stable on Lamictal). Which is the right thing to do, I'm sure. But in trying to wrap my head around all of this stuff, I'm finding myself wanting to be able to say "I have MDD" or "I have Bipolar Affective Disorder" or whatever. Can y'all help?
Thanks for any insights you might have.
New here and hoping someone can help me out, or offer some words of wisdom. A little bit about me, I was recently diagnosed with Mixed Mood State, and was told it was on the bipolar spectrum, I am not entirely sure what this means, as everything I look up on it, points me to articles about bipolar. Even the mayo clinic website, which my dr recommended for me to learn more about it. I am not at all surprised by this, it makes sense and I have had a suspicion I may fall somewhere on the bipolar spectrum since my early 20’s ( I am 35 now.). The mixed moods makes perfect sense to me, and it explains why I can be fine one minute, fly off the handle the next and the very next be sinking into a deep, dark sad hole. My doctor is running labs now, and if all comes back ok, he is going to start me on depokate.
My dad had a bipolar type disorder (probably bipolar my mom can’t remember), and refused his lithium because he enjoyed the creativity he had. To be honest this is one of my worries about starting something like depokate—and just starting treatment in general. I wish I was in the super creative state all the time. It’s refreshing. My mom has a history of severe clinical depression. This makes me worried for my son, who is 19 months today. Between me, and his dad having illnesses run in his family (no one will say what, but an aunt has been hospitalized at the county mental hospital for decades, with an appointed guardian.).
I am hoping to find like minds here and some support… thanks…