17 posts in this topic
Well I seem to be in a never ending mixed state. Making some progress, the mood changes are softer, if that makes sense. But, my moods even confuse me, let alone the people in my life.
My biggest struggle is recognizing when the depression comes that it is not permanent. It seems for ever, I do damage to myself when I get like that, mentally and physically.
So, was wondering if anyone has, I don't know, tips maybe.
I seem to float untethered from mood to mood. My lack of control is starting to make me restrict and vomit my food up. All for a sense of control. I have not had an eating disorder ever in my life, unless you count amphetamine abuse. I will talk to Tdoc and pdoc about this. But want to hear from others.
I try to stay present, I try distraction, I even hide in sleep.
Just can't seem to stay stable for any period of time.
Depressed? Mixed State? Or something else altogether?
When I'm hypomanic I've done things I found embarrassing (especially when I was delusional), but nothing I would describe as dangerous. Unlike my mixed states which would definitely be under the dangerous category (self harm, suicidal, ect). That doesn't seem to be unusual, but when I'm falling into depression it's a completely different experience.
Sometimes it's like I can feel a depressed episode coming on. It feels like this hole in my chest that keeps growing and every part of me is falling inside, piece by piece. I feel the most reckless and impulsive during this time. I haven't completely got into the laying in bed, staring into space depression state yet, but I know it's coming. Mostly I just feel numb and when given the chance I end up doing all kinds of things to not feel that way. From getting a tattoo (which I love) to coloring my hair pink (which looked awful) to spending too much money on anything that could bring me even a little happiness. Then I've done other things like drinking a lot while on medication which I would never do normally.
I don't feel hyper and focused the way I do with hypomania or restless and angry like a mixed state. I just feel like I'm sinking slowly and all I want is to feel like someone else for a while. I don't know if this counts as depression or some other state. Has anyone else had a similar situation?
Help Me Understand Mixed State vs Agitated Depression
I'm relatively new here and had a recent tentative diagnosis of Bipolar II after months of being MDD only. The tl;dr of this is that I'm not sure I understand the difference between "agitated depression" and "mixed states," and how those related to a dx of MDD versus Bipolar. Read more below.
I've struggled with depression for years, and finally saw a pdoc and started an SSRI in October '12. Still having breakthrough episodes in Jan so upped dose to 15 mgs and promptly went into my first real manic episode -- hypersexuality, spendy, restless, considered divorce, flying high for days, etc. I found it both thrilling and troubling and knew something was "wrong" but wasn't sure what. Googling revealed that antidepressants can trigger mania in people who are bipolar. Further reading on bipolar helped me realize that I've probably been experiencing hypomania for years, primarily in the spring: restlessness, agitation, super bitchy/angry, unable to feel settled or content, taking on lots of new projects/hobbies, spending money, wanting to move (or moving!), wanting to have a baby (and getting pregnant!), wishing for major life changes, etc etc. But I wasn't ever flying, happy, or euphoric, and had a lot of bad, grumpy, unhappy days.
When I described this to my pdoc at our last appt, when I finally 'fessed up about the manic behavior and we were discussing mood stabilizer options, she mentioned "agitated depression" as another possibility. I'm confused as to what the difference is. Is there a difference? Is it just a matter of terminology? Does the fact that I was triggered into mania by my antidepressant mean I'm not "really" bipolar? Could it just be atypical depression? She was less interested in nailing down a dx than understanding and treating the symptoms (for now, I am continuing the Lexapro and titrating Lamictal, with plans to lower the Lexapro dosage after I'm stable on Lamictal). Which is the right thing to do, I'm sure. But in trying to wrap my head around all of this stuff, I'm finding myself wanting to be able to say "I have MDD" or "I have Bipolar Affective Disorder" or whatever. Can y'all help?
Thanks for any insights you might have.
New here and hoping someone can help me out, or offer some words of wisdom. A little bit about me, I was recently diagnosed with Mixed Mood State, and was told it was on the bipolar spectrum, I am not entirely sure what this means, as everything I look up on it, points me to articles about bipolar. Even the mayo clinic website, which my dr recommended for me to learn more about it. I am not at all surprised by this, it makes sense and I have had a suspicion I may fall somewhere on the bipolar spectrum since my early 20’s ( I am 35 now.). The mixed moods makes perfect sense to me, and it explains why I can be fine one minute, fly off the handle the next and the very next be sinking into a deep, dark sad hole. My doctor is running labs now, and if all comes back ok, he is going to start me on depokate.
My dad had a bipolar type disorder (probably bipolar my mom can’t remember), and refused his lithium because he enjoyed the creativity he had. To be honest this is one of my worries about starting something like depokate—and just starting treatment in general. I wish I was in the super creative state all the time. It’s refreshing. My mom has a history of severe clinical depression. This makes me worried for my son, who is 19 months today. Between me, and his dad having illnesses run in his family (no one will say what, but an aunt has been hospitalized at the county mental hospital for decades, with an appointed guardian.).
I am hoping to find like minds here and some support… thanks…
what to do? should i call?
so i made a post about a week ago:
about how i felt a bit manicy and how to handle it. since then the high has dropped to a very unsettling, chaotic, mixed state-lite. i figured i'd head this way or get depressed, then it'd fizzle out as my meds are kind of maxed out and that's what my pdoc implied, but it's getting worse. i already put in a call to the pdoc and spoke to him about everything, but i think he somehow got hooked on the irritability i mentioned (not the worst of my problems). he upped my gabapentin (that i take for anxiety) to 300mg in the morning and 300mg at night.
so i took that today. the morning was ok, kinda sleepy and i almost flipped on my math teacher, but he's an ass (out of character for me) so he deserved it. around 3pm it started getting worse (i always get worse at night). my head feels like there's a blender in it and it's so hard to sit still and hold a conversation with someone. hubby and i had our couples counseling tonight and i started crying mid session (i DON'T cry) because i just wanted to claw my way out of my head. then on the way out i ended up on my knees in the middle of the parking lot because it wouldn't stop. going out to eat was very nerve wracking. this feeling comes and goes (never completely) and i feel a bit better now but i also have my headphones on blasting music which always seems to calm me down and organize/drown out my thoughts. i also started seeing some walls bulging again, but it was so mild i didn't think anything of it, but now tonight i was seeing shadows darting out of the corners of my eyes and everything just feels unnatural and i'm looking around for things that aren't there. i feel like people are staring at me and talking about me. my husband noticed this before i even said anything to him, so apparently i'm acting strange. i'm also getting the self injury impulses back again but i won't act on them because of my husband, but then again my head tells me i could probably find a way to hide it or lie my way out of it, so maybe i will. apparently my head hates me. perhaps i'll drink instead?
i just don't know if i should call my pdoc again. i'm such a poor judge on how good/bad things are and have no confidence in my ability to assess my situation. i just spoke to him yesterday about the gabapentin, but the irritability isn't my primary concern. i see him next thursday (6/28). should i just wait until then?