Recently a new girl has started work, and I've taken a liking to her.
The trouble with this is that I've walled myself off from other people for around 7 years. I've been managing to deal with my illness by not talking to other people, not having friends, not having a partner.
I wasn't looking for anything with this new girl, but unfortunately, my body has had other ideas. I've been hit by a wave of emotions for her that I'm just not able to deal with. What makes it worse is that she's been seeing a guy for 14 years and there's no chance that we will ever get together. I think that she was attracted to me when we first started talking; I don't think that she would want to go out with me still, but life isn't black and white. I was flattered that she was like this, but I didn't push the issue, I knew how things were.
On the mood scale chart that I keep seeing everywhere, I'm normally between 5-8. Since this has all started. Since her turning me down, I'm now between 2-5 most of the time, I think I've dipped down to 1 twice in the last couple of months.
With my mood being all over the place, it is becoming more difficult to talk to her and I think she's pushing me away now; I can see things from her perspective and I can't blame her.
Recently, she's been smiling at someone else in the office that isn't me and I'm having difficulty with it. It all feels so stupid, but I've now let someone have too much power over me and it is keeping my mood low.
I don't know how to get out of this. I'm worried that if it continues I will need to take time off work and if that happens I might lose my job, my house, etc.
I need help!
Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can move on more quickly?
Has anyone dealt with similar issues?
Hi everyone. It's been a couple weeks. I promised to update after my genesight test results came back. I was OCD about getting the results because I was so deeply depressed, and desperate. I titrated off lamictal which was making me suicidally depressed while waiting on the results.
The mood stabilizer green winner for me...or in my case AAP...GEODON.
My pdoc immediately stopped seroquel, and put me on 20 mg geodon in the morning and 40 mg at night. It doesn't make me sleepy. At all. That's the only issue I have so far. It's in the green column, and so far I've had zero side effects. My mood lifted almost overnight. I had a sweet spot of about 4 days where I felt completely normal. It was amazing.
My problem, at least I think it's a problem. He also prescribed 20 mg of Prozac to help with depression and OCD thoughts. I historically cannot take antidepressants. They always make me hypomanic. Always. I've been on prozac before, but that was much earlier in my illness. Before I started rapid cycling and having paranoid features. After about a week, I started noticing hypomanic behavior. Most notably, spending way too much money. Not concentrating as much. Taking on big ideas for fix it projects I can't do alone in my condition right now. That kind of stuff. I'm also taking deplin 15 daily, but I seem to manage that with niacin, but I'm wondering is it the Prozac, the deplin, neither or both causing the hypomania?
I've consistently stayed on .5 mg klonopin and 50 mg topamax. I want to up the topamax to 100 and start reducing klonopin.
One thing notable, I weaned off 300mg gabapentin. I was paranoid it was causing the suicidal depression, not accepting it was the lamictal which has done that in the past. So, my pdoc said ok. Since I weaned off fully about 3 days ago, I've had more anxiety each day. Don't blame geodon on that. I have terrible panic and anxiety problems. So, today, I realized there is no way I can wean off klonopin if I'm already feeling like this or I will start dissociating again, and that is horrific. So, I took gabapentin today. I was supposed to see my pdoc today, which is the longest I've waited to see him. 2 weeks. But...he broke his arms and nose somehow, so my appointment is postponed to next Monday.
Meanwhile, sleep is awful. I'm maybe sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night taking Tylenol pm. I have a very limited amount of time doing this before I go full on hypomanic or get very unstable and rapid cycle again. Although, none of this is as bad as it was before, I cannot take anything with Benadryl long term. It has an opposite effect on me. I either need my pdoc to up geodon and add a sleeping med or help me figure something out.
I'm not keen on trazadone or vistaril, because doxepin made me rapid cycle severely because it's an AD, and vistaril did the same thing.
But, I can say, I think I am one of the oddballs that Geodon loves. Thank goodness. I need at least my main med to work. I am scared if we up it I could get akathesia, but since it was in the green column on my genesight, I think that's unlikely.
Any insight or advice for me going into my appointment next week? I loved those 4 days of feeling normal. I know I am so close.
I am going to start IOP 3 days a week after I see him next Monday. I think it's time for counseling to deal with how to cope with this disease on a day to day basis, not just during a huge episode like I've been in.
I may go to my internist tomorrow and ask for ambien for a week to get me through to my appointment though. I don't know if I can do 5 more nights of Benadryl and not go into orbit.
Edit: I've also been doing B12 injections weekly which maybe contributing to hypomania. I'm going to skip next week's dose and take more niacin this week to flush some out.
By Distorted Me
Does anyone with BP or BP 2 specifically have any experience with 5-HTP? I've taken it off and on for the last few weeks and have concluded that it has had a definite effect on me. It definitely appears to be activating. I can take 100 mg (Vitamin World brand that also has 125 mg of calcium listed per 100 mg serving of the 5-HTP in 2 caps) and feel just a little bit but if I take twice the dosage within 6 hours I really feel it. I took 150 mg this afternoon at once with 2 caps of Now brand Dopa Mucuna and 2 caps of Vitamin World GABA-Plus (which has Niacin and Inositol as well unlike other brands of GABA) on top of 2 caps of the GABA this morning.
Driving to dinner I felt like I was damn near hypomanic, if not there. If I had not been fully aware of myself and not driving, I might have gone right above what I feel is my hypomanic threshold. I may have actually dabbled with that line a bit for an hour or so. I definitely had to reign myself in a few times after noticing I was getting a little overly excited and happy. It was definitely a nice feeling, I just didn't want to get out of hand being in public with the family like that.
Also of note, I took these capsules mentioned above after being in a pretty crappy but not lethargic mood and I did have a cup of somewhat strong coffee so I should factor that in as well.
I have to think that the 5-HTP is a bigger factor in how I felt today though because I experienced something similar a few weeks ago after doing nearly the same thing, without the coffee, by taking a 100 mg dose in the morning, then another 100 mg dose just after noon that day on a nearly empty stomach. I went kind of haywire for about an hour and got kind of paranoid. Though once I was able to remove the fear by saying fuck-it basically and telling myself to just try to enjoy the ride that day, I felt pretty great. I was noticeably relaxed and calm after that almost tired but i did not want to take a nap because of the GABA I had taken (probably 6 of caps of the same brand over a 6 hour period with little food in my stomach) fearing a benzo-like effect on my breathing. That day, I had no coffee since a weak cup early morning. Since I was felt a little too tired after taking the rest of those caps mentioned, I did have another cup of not really strong coffee and then felt pretty great.
Tomorrow I'll experiment with just the strong coffee I had today and report back in this thread. It was a mix of regular coffee and some espresso I had ground last week - about a 50/50 blend - in a French press that tasted good and strong, but nothing overpowering for my taste.
Edit: Just wanted to include I'm not under the influence of any illegal drugs or alcohol anymore. Today is 24 days completely clean and sober and I'm enjoying the shit of out of sobriety honestly.
Other than that, I've been on the same meds in my signature minus the 150 mg of Bupropion. I've stopped that for 3 days now as it's been too activating for me and has made my temper much worse. Temper has been about 1/2 what it was a week ago now.
I would love to hear from any BP people, especially BP 2 folks, and their experiences with 5-HTP.
By Distorted Me
I know that a lot of bipolar folks take an SSRI as part of their daily regimen of meds and apparently it seems to help. But there's some growing concern in the pdoc world now that SSRI's may be causing manic symptoms and even directly causing manic episodes. I was on SSRI's for 10 years before quitting last October. In chronological order: Celexa, Zoloft, Celexa again, Lexapro, Zoloft again, Prozac, Zoloft again briefly, back to Prozac to close it out.
For me, personally, after stopping them altogether, I was able to see what they were doing to my system. I truly believe they made me much more unstable and greatly increased compulsiveness and just made a bad situation worse. Switching from Lexapro to Zoloft sent me immediately full-on hypomanic for over a month in early 2015. I was high as a kite and on top of the fucking world. It was unreal and so obvious at the time. From the beginning of it, I was certain something unusual was going on. Now I wasn't diagnosed bipolar yet, just depressed, so I didn't even know what hypomania was then. It fizzled out eventually (sigh) but I had at least two more, shorter, and less intense episodes late spring 2015. I've not had anything quite as euphoric as those since.
My last pdoc expressed some concern about the prozac but wasn't very insistent on me stopping it, just that I would want to eventually. I've since read that there is increasing concern in the pdoc community. Yet a lot of bipolar people still take SSRI's and don't seem to have problems.
Do SSRI's seem to help your causes? Do you notice any unusual side effects? Have any of you stopped taking SSRI's and noticed a change? Other comments? This could be interesting.