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Jaytea

What am I going to do with my life?

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I'm having a freak out about school. I made a major life change a few months ago & decided to not return to the workforce and go back to school. I lost my job (that I loved but was stressed out about) in May b/c of MI problems.

I have gone to school off and on over the years and this is my first time back in 7 years.

 

I dropped out and withdrew from classes frequently due to my manias, depressions, GAD, and substance abuse. This time around I am sober, medicated, sticking with therapy, and educated about my MI. I'm having self doubt about whether or not I can really do this. I'm so afraid of failure and am experiencing a lot of anxiety b/c of all of the pressure that I am putting on myself.

Pressure about success, and feeling I can't succeed b/c of my MI. Feeling like I am not good enough. I feel like I am letting the fact that I am mentally ill get to me and bring me down.  Looking at it as a weakness instead of remembering how strong I am b/c of my experiences with it and by overcoming so many obstacles to get to where I am at now.

 When my anxiety gets high in situations like this I tend to stagnate...which makes me fall behind...self sabotage occurs.

 

Anyone else experience anything similar to this?

I take Klonopin PRN btw for anxiety.

Edited by Jaytea

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All the time.  I'm in the middle of it right now, which is why my reply is brief.  I'm too caught up in it to say much right now, but yes.  All of that.

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A tdoc I see through group therapy said, "there is no way around, over or under fear...there is only through".  Anxiety is so hard to push through, but every time you do it, you become a little stronger.  And the next time you have to do it, you can remind yourself that you've done it before.  I just take things one step at a time and try not to let my mind get too far ahead of me.  

 

It sounds like you're set up to succeed in school.  Believe in yourself.  You can do it.

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You may actually have a chance to enjoy this time round in school if you can just give yourself a chance.

You clearly enjoy learning as you keep coming back to it and as an adult student back in charge of your life

you have a terrific advantage.  

 

Learning to enjoy ourselves is so hard when all of our previous experiences have been poisoned by anxiety.

Keep the meds up and use whatever you need to keep actively enjoying the learning ... there is a fun element

possible here that you need to risk experiencing.                                Good Luck

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Thank you for your replies, I feel a better after reading them. I'm glad you brought up fear, Phoenix. It reminds me that in AA "fear" stands for Face Everything And Recover. And that's what I need to do. And, glassss999, going to school IS more fun and interesting the second time around. I'm not going to love every class that I take but I can keep my goal of becoming a therapist in mind and power through those challenging classes. And I AM stronger from powering through anxiety in the past. I'm going to set up a mtg with a psych advisor at the university I'll be returning to in the spring and get some of my questions answered. (Right now I'm taking a full coarseload at the local CC)

Thanks for listening!!

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I could've written this myself. My story is very similar! In and out of school and jobs, etc. Not as far along in 'life' (as societal pressures would dictate, at any rate) as I'd like to be at this point in time because of years of anxiety and its counterparts and substance addiction, but afraid to give things a try now for fear of failure. I understand feeling like you shouldn't try because it could fail, but it's easier to take the high road and not do it, then you don't run the risk at all. But I end up feeling guilty that I didn't try. I have been pushing myself to get out there and do the simple things that I really feel awkward about doing, like making that one phone call I've been dreading, seeing that person I don't particularly care to see, filling out that application I'm worried won't even be looked at--trying to get out of my comfort zone and stop believing that these people are all against me and want to tell me no or reject me. The hardest part has been realizing that sometimes I'm still not going to get the result I want. Or it still might be uncomfortable. But I always feel better for trying, it does make me proud of myself. I try to remember that feeling when the urge to run away from another challenge comes along.

 

At the very worst, though, I'll procrastinate on something that worries me to the point where the stress is overwhelming. It becomes that huge weight on my shoulders screaming, 'YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!!' It becomes more and more ominous the longer I put it off. I really need to learn how to overcome this.

 

Anyway, sorry about rambling. In short, you're definitely not alone, and I'd love to talk to you more about all of this!

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Good luck jaytea! I know you can do it. I like the points that the others raised as well. You have set yourself up for success now and I just feel that you will excel in school.

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I'm the master of procrastination-have been since I was a kid. I just called my pdoc and left a msg to call me back to discuss Buspar. She gave her cell # a while back & will call back soon unless she is out of town. It has been recommended to me a few times and I think I should try it. I don't want to spend the entire semester being so anxious that I can't function, which is how i feel right now.

Thank you for the well wishes & support!

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No problem :)

 

Buspar? I've heard about it, but I didn't know it was for anxiety! I've been needing another option to look into since benzos like Klonopin and Ativan aren't readily given out anymore (even to people like us who actually need that kind of drug!), and Paxil did the opposite of what it was supposed to and made me even more stressed out! I realized anti-depressants don't work for me because depression isn't my problem. It's anxiety. It's trying to convince the p-docs of this!

 

Let me know how it goes if you try it out.

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Is Buspar used for something other than anxiety?

 

ETA: Actually, Paxil is an SSRI, which *is* anti-depressants, but SSRIs are also frequently used for anxiety alone. Just so you know, if one SSRI doesn't work that doesn't mean they all won't work.

Edited by crtclms

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I think it's just used for anxiety. My tdoc has suggested it to me a few times. Right now I take Klonopin PRN but find myself taking it more than I'd like to.

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I take Vistaril and Buspar as a combo for anxiety.  It seems to help me.  I've also been on Celexa for anxiety and it helped, Paxil not so much.  Some it works for them, others no.

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I used to take Celexa but stopped b/c we were reducing the number of meds I take (I was taking 9) and i wanted my libido back. Bu then I fell into a depression so we tried Wellbutrin and now we're trying Zoloft. My depression has lifted but anxiety is bad again. I'll ask her about Vistaril, too. Thanks!

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I hope that once you start seeing your success at school, it will give you something to hold to when that anxiety kicks in, it sounds like you kinda already know that some of the stories that anxiety is telling are not true. Which, in itself, is massive.

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