Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Jaytea

What am I going to do with my life?

15 posts in this topic

I'm having a freak out about school. I made a major life change a few months ago & decided to not return to the workforce and go back to school. I lost my job (that I loved but was stressed out about) in May b/c of MI problems.

I have gone to school off and on over the years and this is my first time back in 7 years.

 

I dropped out and withdrew from classes frequently due to my manias, depressions, GAD, and substance abuse. This time around I am sober, medicated, sticking with therapy, and educated about my MI. I'm having self doubt about whether or not I can really do this. I'm so afraid of failure and am experiencing a lot of anxiety b/c of all of the pressure that I am putting on myself.

Pressure about success, and feeling I can't succeed b/c of my MI. Feeling like I am not good enough. I feel like I am letting the fact that I am mentally ill get to me and bring me down.  Looking at it as a weakness instead of remembering how strong I am b/c of my experiences with it and by overcoming so many obstacles to get to where I am at now.

 When my anxiety gets high in situations like this I tend to stagnate...which makes me fall behind...self sabotage occurs.

 

Anyone else experience anything similar to this?

I take Klonopin PRN btw for anxiety.

Edited by Jaytea

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All the time.  I'm in the middle of it right now, which is why my reply is brief.  I'm too caught up in it to say much right now, but yes.  All of that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A tdoc I see through group therapy said, "there is no way around, over or under fear...there is only through".  Anxiety is so hard to push through, but every time you do it, you become a little stronger.  And the next time you have to do it, you can remind yourself that you've done it before.  I just take things one step at a time and try not to let my mind get too far ahead of me.  

 

It sounds like you're set up to succeed in school.  Believe in yourself.  You can do it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You may actually have a chance to enjoy this time round in school if you can just give yourself a chance.

You clearly enjoy learning as you keep coming back to it and as an adult student back in charge of your life

you have a terrific advantage.  

 

Learning to enjoy ourselves is so hard when all of our previous experiences have been poisoned by anxiety.

Keep the meds up and use whatever you need to keep actively enjoying the learning ... there is a fun element

possible here that you need to risk experiencing.                                Good Luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your replies, I feel a better after reading them. I'm glad you brought up fear, Phoenix. It reminds me that in AA "fear" stands for Face Everything And Recover. And that's what I need to do. And, glassss999, going to school IS more fun and interesting the second time around. I'm not going to love every class that I take but I can keep my goal of becoming a therapist in mind and power through those challenging classes. And I AM stronger from powering through anxiety in the past. I'm going to set up a mtg with a psych advisor at the university I'll be returning to in the spring and get some of my questions answered. (Right now I'm taking a full coarseload at the local CC)

Thanks for listening!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I could've written this myself. My story is very similar! In and out of school and jobs, etc. Not as far along in 'life' (as societal pressures would dictate, at any rate) as I'd like to be at this point in time because of years of anxiety and its counterparts and substance addiction, but afraid to give things a try now for fear of failure. I understand feeling like you shouldn't try because it could fail, but it's easier to take the high road and not do it, then you don't run the risk at all. But I end up feeling guilty that I didn't try. I have been pushing myself to get out there and do the simple things that I really feel awkward about doing, like making that one phone call I've been dreading, seeing that person I don't particularly care to see, filling out that application I'm worried won't even be looked at--trying to get out of my comfort zone and stop believing that these people are all against me and want to tell me no or reject me. The hardest part has been realizing that sometimes I'm still not going to get the result I want. Or it still might be uncomfortable. But I always feel better for trying, it does make me proud of myself. I try to remember that feeling when the urge to run away from another challenge comes along.

 

At the very worst, though, I'll procrastinate on something that worries me to the point where the stress is overwhelming. It becomes that huge weight on my shoulders screaming, 'YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!!' It becomes more and more ominous the longer I put it off. I really need to learn how to overcome this.

 

Anyway, sorry about rambling. In short, you're definitely not alone, and I'd love to talk to you more about all of this!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good luck jaytea! I know you can do it. I like the points that the others raised as well. You have set yourself up for success now and I just feel that you will excel in school.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm the master of procrastination-have been since I was a kid. I just called my pdoc and left a msg to call me back to discuss Buspar. She gave her cell # a while back & will call back soon unless she is out of town. It has been recommended to me a few times and I think I should try it. I don't want to spend the entire semester being so anxious that I can't function, which is how i feel right now.

Thank you for the well wishes & support!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No problem :)

 

Buspar? I've heard about it, but I didn't know it was for anxiety! I've been needing another option to look into since benzos like Klonopin and Ativan aren't readily given out anymore (even to people like us who actually need that kind of drug!), and Paxil did the opposite of what it was supposed to and made me even more stressed out! I realized anti-depressants don't work for me because depression isn't my problem. It's anxiety. It's trying to convince the p-docs of this!

 

Let me know how it goes if you try it out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is Buspar used for something other than anxiety?

 

ETA: Actually, Paxil is an SSRI, which *is* anti-depressants, but SSRIs are also frequently used for anxiety alone. Just so you know, if one SSRI doesn't work that doesn't mean they all won't work.

Edited by crtclms

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's just used for anxiety. My tdoc has suggested it to me a few times. Right now I take Klonopin PRN but find myself taking it more than I'd like to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I take Vistaril and Buspar as a combo for anxiety.  It seems to help me.  I've also been on Celexa for anxiety and it helped, Paxil not so much.  Some it works for them, others no.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to take Celexa but stopped b/c we were reducing the number of meds I take (I was taking 9) and i wanted my libido back. Bu then I fell into a depression so we tried Wellbutrin and now we're trying Zoloft. My depression has lifted but anxiety is bad again. I'll ask her about Vistaril, too. Thanks!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jaytea I hope the Zoloft will help your anxiety. It can help with anxiety issues as well as depressive ones.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope that once you start seeing your success at school, it will give you something to hold to when that anxiety kicks in, it sounds like you kinda already know that some of the stories that anxiety is telling are not true. Which, in itself, is massive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Similar Content

    • lexapro causing anxiety???!!!! 7 weeks on..come onnnn!
      By gabanxious
      Howdy i'm new here,
      Question.  I'm on 10MG lexapro on week 7 (prescribed for anxiety!) and I never have really felt anything much either way from this stuff- (a good thing?) my anxiety continues (but perhaps not as bad?) and in some cases I wonder if if it's Lexapro causing anxiety...I feel like 7 weeks in I should be seeing results and as such I wonder if this is a wrong drug for me...I've taken it in the past and I don't really seeing it doing much either way..  The anxiety feeling is vaguely different- it's not a mind thing but a body high sort of thing- my mind is solid and not choosing to go to dark places or anxious about stupid shit, but my body anxiety is pretty significant- enough to make me lose my appetite and not want to eat, etc....   it doesn't push me enough to feel like I have to get up and go for a walk or run 500 miles or whatever...thank god..And I don't crash too hard after it goes away.. In fact sometimes I feel quite good after it disappears-- who wouldn't?
      I'm trying my very very very best to not take benzos but I get so damn tired of the symptoms that I just feel like I need relief-  Benzos def work and in fairly small doses- 1mg of ativan is probably overkill, .5mg xanax will relax me, and/or .5mg of klonopin....(hours later of course)...I do not take benzos daily/frequently so whatever's happening isn't a withdrawal from one..
       
      Thank you to all,
    • Lithium carbonate withdrawal Seroquel
      By Inkedupmonster
      Okay this is my first forum posts. So please bear with me. 
       
      For or the last several years I have been on lithium 900mg and 1100mg broken in three doses. 
      I recently lost my insurance which covered the cost to be on there. 
       
      I've been withdrawaling for the last week and 2 day. (9 days total). I get the worst cold chills and feel super depressed and hopping not to spiral out of control when the maniac kicks in. 
       
      So my question is as follows... 
       
      Has as anyone else deal with this and how long did it last?? 
    • my boyfriend and i keep fighting?
      By ladyboss
      I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 20, we've been dating for almost a month now (have been talking for about four) and there are some days we fight non stop. But, what's bad is, I try having a normal conversation about a conflict and he starts yelling. I have BPD, anxiety and major depression, my boyfriend has ADHD. When I try talking about something he'll get furious and yell. I'm also his first real girlfriend, he's not had a girlfriend since high school and it turns out she faked her own death. Both of us have been through our fair share of shit. I know part of the fighting is because I've not been on my meds because I lost half my bottle. I know fights can be healthy, but they're getting so stupid maybe...possibly.
      we do love each other very much, and I don't want to break up....but should we really? We're both taking the time to understand the other, we have very strong personalities and are basically the type of people who take no bullshit, see no bullshit, hear no bullshit. Ironically enough my boyfriend hates confrontation. One thing I read though on various articles is that sometimes ADHD partners with non ADHD partners can end up forming the parent child dynamic. and sometimes, it feels like that. Not all days are bad, one week we faught all.week.long. it was exhausting. That time though it was really just me bitching about..everything. Another thing I don't get is why my boyfriend does something, finds out it upsets me, apologizes, and does it again. I know it isnt intentional but it bothers me still....
    • Help I have a cello concert
      By ibreatheandcounttoten
      So I play cello, and I have for nearly five years. I have played in two solo concerts and several times with an orchestra. My anxiety has been steadily growing worse and I average about one panic attack per week without any stressors but I have a quartet coming up and these freak me out because if I was solo I wouldn't mess anyone else up if I screwed up timing. In an orchestra of twenty or so people, I could sink out of it if I needed to. In a quartet, however, I would screw up the other three players. Even though I play the easiest part, I can't bring myself to even look at the music or else I panic. My mom said I didn't have to do the concert but I had to tell my teacher face to face why. To me, this is nearly as bad as going up in front of all those people because my teacher is amazing and I love her. After my mom said that, I started to panic again, thinking of all the ways it could go wrong. She might not let me be her student as I miss most of the solo concerts. I really scared and this has caused me a sh*t-load of anxiety and panic attacks. What should I say? What should I do? Please help.
    • Stuck.
      By ladyboss
      i've had one too many jobs. I'm aware I'm beginning to wear myself down of places I can work here. What's worse is I don't have my drivers license, or even remotely have a clue HOW to drive.
      Every time I lose a job, I immediately hunt for another one. I'm beginning to think I may as well have a damn felon record (no offense to anyone who does) because I feel like with how many jobs I've quit, employers are gonna look at me twice.
      I'm a very honest and hard working person, but no one wants to give me the benfit of the doubt. My disability finally has been approived, but I'm also by no means ready to live on my own. I can't. I have to have someone with me. I lost my best friend, and my boyfriend lives in universit housing. Although they are apartments, but I can't be on the lease and I technically can't move in. But they won't care. The only other issue is my parents don't know we're together.
       
      I'm just tired of feeling like I dug myself a hole I cant escape from...  its really depressesing me.