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Paperskyscraper

When you're done with life, but not suicidal..?

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I'm not suicidal, and I'm not going to go out there and do anything as such but I have had it with life, or at least mine. I didn't even think it was possible to be so done with life, without wanting to kill yourself. Because I don't, and I wont so please don't sit there saying 'get help, call bla' because I'm perfectly fine and in one piece and I shall unfortunately remain this way for some time. 

 

I made a pledge to get help, to see someone about how shitty I felt and they just brushed me off. And I would love to say its the first time but no, they always ask what's going on in my life and I tell them. They sit there and try to pin point things on outside factors. The amount of times I have been told to wait until this is over, or that has passed. 

 

No one seems to really give a shit, and I think I've stopped giving one too. 

 

My anxiety is through the roof. In panic the other night I scratched my chest to shreds because I had really bad chest pain and it felt like I was being suffocated. I'm so jumpy, I can't make phone calls, I dread public transport and I think everyone on it is out to get me, or they're the big 'T' word everyone is afraid of.' 

 

I'm trapped, and alone. I can't 'unload' onto an actual human being because they all have their problems, and lets be honest who really cares about mine?

 

I just feel like throwing the towel in and being done with it all. 

Edited by Paperskyscraper
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I feel this sense of weariness. I'm not suicidal, but stick a fork in me, right now, I feel done with trying to navigate this mental health stuff.

 

Right now, what is keeping me going is having people to talk to here and on helplines (I have no real life support atm) and knowing that if I go with my urge to give in and let the mental illness get it's teeth in; I will feel ten times worse. As a strategy, isolating myself has never ended well. I have tried it lots. The main barrier for me seeking help is that I struggle to articulate my issues to the people in my life who I could get support from previously and that I am afraid that if I dare tell someone how I really feel, they will dismiss it or disbelieve me.

 

I am going to a counselling appt tomorrow because I have come too far to go backwards and get really sick. I could just happily crawl under my duvet and lie around trying not to exist for a while. I am not convinced that what has happened can be fixed for me, ad it has occurred to me that maybe I am too far gone. However I know that passively giving in or hurting myself is only going to result in more suffering (based on past experience) which leaves me no option but the seek the help I can stand to.

 

Is there anyone at all you trust to listen?

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When mild depression sets in, I often just feel like I'm just "running out the clock".  The world is a horrible and crumby place and shows no sign of getting any better.  People don't seem to particularly care and when they do, it tends to be almost entirely centered on their own self interest.  
 

I've learned to recognize these feelings as symptoms of mild depression that's just getting started.  I try to do something about it before it gets out of hand.  

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Thanks Titania :-)

 

I don't know... I'm not used to telling people about serious issues. I can complain about work, people etc. all the time to anyone who would listen, but the deep psychological crap that has been building for many years, I just don't know how to talk to someone. And like you I don't want them to dismiss me because I've been dismissed before and there is a part of me that wants to hope that one day people will understand. If I was dismissed, there really would be no hope I fear. Although I do wonder if that is because I went about it the wrong way and they misunderstood? Communication about things that are really troubling me, I find it really hard to do, plus I tend to sit there and sob. I can't get my words out and I feel stupid. By the time I have composed myself I've talked myself out of telling them.

 

I've tried writing it down, but when I read it it doesn't sound right, it sounds generic. I don't know how else to get it across without sniffling and weeping like a banana. 

 

Some things happened so long ago I sit here and wonder if they were real. There's a voice in my head that tells me to just let it go and forget it, because something that happened 5/6 years ago shouldn't be bothering me, especially since those people are no longer in my life. Thing is 50% of the time they don't, but then there are days when it's crippling. 

 

I read so many things where people are struggling to get help and I'm terrified because I can relate to so many situations and I've pulled away in hope that I will be able to put together a convincing babble of words next time I make a doctors appointment. The amount of times I've walked into the doctors to make an appointment and just walked out again.

 

I keep forgetting things, and its really bugging me. I was about to post something in reply here and its gone completely and it hurts trying to remember. 

 

Eldorado... I'm not entirely sure how to get rid of this before it gets worse... is there anything you do that works particularly well?  :(

 

I'll probably end up editing this...

Edited by Paperskyscraper

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Rather than editing a stupidly long post I made I wanted to put that when I have spoken to people, close friends and family, they have always been surprised. I don't live at my parent's any more but when I confided in my mother once she told me to stop being ridiculous and that I was fine. Because I hadn't been trashing the house, or slashing my wrist and parading them in front of her I was 'fine'. I did things to make her notice how bad I was feeling and she still didn't react... I would love for her to understand but she's in denial about most things. My husband is sick of my mood swings, I can tell by the 'look' so I don't want to confide in him because I don't want him to hate me.

 

People don't see how miserable I am, and so they don't seem to think anything is wrong, or take it seriously if I do try and confide.

 

There. I remembered.

Edited by Paperskyscraper
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You are entitled to feel whatever you feel and be honest without having to make it neat for others. Yeah, some people around you may lack experience or empathy, pick who you share with. But even if the words are clumsy or you just sob for the first minutes or you fail to say exactly what is going on, you still reached out. It will help. I use trained helpline counsellers cos they have been taught to listen. I can call to talk, or cry, or just sit in silence and be with another person while I am in pain. And I can hang up as an anonymous person.

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I did consider this earlier... I can't call someone, I just couldn't face the phone. But there were a few online ones I looked at. Again I'd have no idea what to say... and they're just sat there and they do their job, I quite counselling because the woman was more interested in my DPD than the issues. I was always aware she was being paid to listen to me. I never know where to start... and what if they dismiss me as being silly?

 

I think I just want someone to care? But even if they did, I don't even know if I could tell the difference between them listening and caring about what was coming out of my mouth, or just listening to me because I was babbling at them? Possibly I'm just thinking too much into this.

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I made a pledge to get help, to see someone about how shitty I felt and they just brushed me off. And I would love to say its the first time but no, they always ask what's going on in my life and I tell them. They sit there and try to pin point things on outside factors.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but wanted to say I relate to ^THIS^ and it drives me insane when others look for outside factors when I KNOW it is something else (Idk what, but definitely NOT the outside factors).  It's like they are totally not seeing the big picture, whatever it is.  It feels like they are making excuses or something.  I'm sorry people treated you like this.

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Hey there... I can totally relate to how you feel, I am at the same stage in my life. I am not suicidal, I just sometimes wish I did not exist.

 

I am in therapy now, with a psychiatrist, it took me years to be able to open up and realize that, while some people do not take you seriously, someone does. It takes a lot of searching and finding, trial and error, and I know that the path in front of me is stony, but at least the wall  that was blocking my outlook on life is gradually disappearing.

 

I am lucky enough to have a husband who does take me seriously, who actually was the one who told me, gently, that I did not need to feel guilty about feeling the way I am, that I am not weak, that I just bottled it all up inside and ignored if for way too long. Society is a hard critic and very judgmental but, if you keep on trying, you will find someone who will listen and accept you and your feelings.

 

There is no need to feel ashamed about having issues dealing with what society expects of you, all you need is some support and the reassurance that you are not alone. "Get a grip", or "stop worrying", or "you are a drama queen" were things that I was told on the rare occasions where I did try to open up to people. My first psychotherapist told me I needed to meditate (did NOT work out), drink green tea and take magnesium supplements. The second told me I should get a grip on my life. So did the third and the fourth. Until I moved to the other end of the country, and my new GP told me about my current pdoc.. Who is amazing.

 

The only people who know that I have GAD and ADD, and  BP as well (still being under therapeutic supervision and diagnose), are my pdoc, my husband and my mother. My husband has GAD as well, and my mom is an alcoholic in recovery. My dad tells me I need to take vitamins, do sports, stop whining. My friends do not know, they only see the happy me, not my ugly side.

 

So, in my opinion, do keep on trying, this board here is already a great place to be.

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Paper, it sounds like you're trying to express  your inner feelings to people who aren't equipped to understand or handle them. Your mom sounds like alot of people...sweep everything under the rug because you aren't babbling and swinging from the chandaliers so obviously you *must* be fine... And husbands/men are notoriously bad at relating to emotion--no offense to guys here...It's just the way most men are wired...logic driven, emotionally dumb. Support from them(again, excusing the guys here) is difficult when they have enough difficulty processing their own emotions--let alone ours...

 

There are no magic words to fix things. I'm listening and I hope on some level it helps to vent and know people are listening and caring--I mean, I relate to so many of the things you've said and the experiences you've had. And this feeling of not caring--being depressed--but not suicidal...lived this misery for ages now so I get that.

 

Have you tried outlets for this pain? Are there things you can identify that you think might help release this emotion? Exercise, spending time with someone you love, hugs...something that would help lessen your anxiety and allow you to vent... Do you paint or write? I try different things to vent my misery/not-caring feelings.... For me, after going through the usual stuff like journaling, painting, etc. I still need that physical contact--a hug, a back rub--something--to help me destress and release this knotted up ball of negative emotion...So maybe even if you can't verbalize it to your husband, you could just sit with him when he's watching the tele and get him to put his arms around you and just 'be' with you...human contact can be very healing.

HTH:)

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I feel that way very often.

Most ppl are just not equipped to know how to deal with or what to say with ppl who have psychache. It scares them to death.

All the therapists I've seen always tell me I'm just fine, because outwardly I LOOK fine (attractive, professional career, college educated, blah blah). That's always stunned me because I'm NOT fine! One even told me ” you've been through a lot but your not living under a bridge on meth.” I'm sick of therapists at this point.

The depression seems never ending and I just figure that's life for me. Its not that I want to die....I just want to go away.

I feel for ya OP. Your not alone

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I'm trapped, and alone. I can't 'unload' onto an actual human being because they all have their problems, and lets be honest who really cares about mine?

 

we care about you, on here! don't give up. sending luck your way.

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 ppl who have psychache.

I like that word!! Alot!!!

I think anyone who knows or understands that word would understand and be supportive of people suffering from it.

Love it!

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Thanks guys, it really helps to know that I'm not the only human being that feels like it, sometimes I just doubt if I actually have issues, or if I've just made them up for attention or something. I seem to be under the impression that for me to be ill/ feel wrong, someone has to notice and point it out. That by saying 'I'm unhappy' and then people say that they really like talking to me because I'm always so cheerful, it's like it cancels out my feelings ha.

 

I love that! Psychache! 

 

I write, but when I get really down I don't even have the motivation to do that :-/ 

 

Thank you so much for your responses though, it really has helped! :-)

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It wouldn't surprise me if most everyone who has posted on this site hasn't felt this way at least once. I can't count the number of times I've said, " I don't want to kill myself but if a big truck were to head toward me right now I'm not sure I'd move" . When we are in this place it is so difficult to think we are anything other than irrelevant. Trust that YOU are very relevant even if you don't feel that way right now. When I get this way now, I search my mental hard drive for any one thing that I've done which has been helpful to another human being or small furry creature and then I tell myself that " I was and am relevant to that person/creature"

 

I wish this weren't so hard for you, me and everyone on this site !

 

Try taking it 5 minutes at a time.

Edited by unmasked

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I might have an idea of what you are talking about. Since 2009 I have suffered of severe depression. It's literally like a persistent mild hangover - unable to function, hold conversation, be interested, no satisfaction, complete apathy to life. I've come to realize that ppl dont really give a real f*ck either. They show sympathy only as long as they feel they are have accomplished something regarding the problem. If they feel futile around it they get a bit frustrated and at times completely out of line. Everything has just come to a halt. I feel both mentally and emotionally paralyzed and can see no real sign of change. 

The only thing I've considered doing is becoming a hermit or joining a some monastery. This would mean I could live a basic life with no major demands such as people, work and desires. I've done extensive reading into buddhism due to depression and I think it's my last resort. I see much of my depression stems from people, society and wanting. It's a machine and will only lean so far to cater for you in a crisis situation, after that you are on your own. Work must go on, things must advance, people use others for self interest and are becoming more and more narcissistic. There is no room for ppl to stop and consider. 

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You feel the feels, and the feels are real.  I believe you.

 

Whatever is the worst feeling in the world FOR YOU is the worst feeling in the world FOR YOU. Yes, some people have it worse, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel bad with how YOU have it! I hate that boolshit.

 

The next time some douche canoe tries to tell you that, tell them this: doesn't that also mean that you shouldn't be happy, because someone out there has it BETTER than you?!?  :D 

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^ That's brilliant Bizzartist! 

 

I get this feeling a lot, but sometimes I look around and people look how I feel! It must be really common, being an adult is so... crap. 

 

I don't think I'd move for a truck either.

 

*hugs*

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I might have an idea of what you are talking about. Since 2009 I have suffered of severe depression. It's literally like a persistent mild hangover - unable to function, hold conversation, be interested, no satisfaction, complete apathy to life. I've come to realize that ppl dont really give a real f*ck either. They show sympathy only as long as they feel they are have accomplished something regarding the problem. If they feel futile around it they get a bit frustrated and at times completely out of line. Everything has just come to a halt. I feel both mentally and emotionally paralyzed and can see no real sign of change. 

The only thing I've considered doing is becoming a hermit or joining a some monastery. This would mean I could live a basic life with no major demands such as people, work and desires. I've done extensive reading into buddhism due to depression and I think it's my last resort. I see much of my depression stems from people, society and wanting. It's a machine and will only lean so far to cater for you in a crisis situation, after that you are on your own. Work must go on, things must advance, people use others for self interest and are becoming more and more narcissistic. There is no room for ppl to stop and consider. 

 

Wow. Wow. It's like you've been living inside my head with me... How come I've never seen you in there before?? Sorry the place is such a damn mess, some dopamine leaked all over the place and I haven't been able to get the stains out of the rugs yet.... :b 

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I've been crawling under the covers and playing dead, I need to stop that.  I KNOW I need to get up and do things and that I will feel better if I use brute force and caffeine to make myself function, but I have not done so yet.  Argh.

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Sometimes it's like a video game, when you're on a level where you have to grab X or activate Z, but you passed it and can't go back, so you have to just keep futilitously playing the level until you die and can start over again...I wish life had a restart button.

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 I thought I was going nuts, or at least my Depersonalisation Disorder has taken another crazy turn and its not letting me feel suicidal, despite mentally giving up. It's nice to know I'm not nuts, ish. Ha.

 

I've tried writing it down, but when I read it it doesn't sound right, it sounds generic. I don't know how else to get it across without sniffling and weeping like a banana. 

 

 

^ These lines here I can relate too, but swap DD for BPD dissociation/emotional numbing for me. I like how you say that it "took a turn and won't let you feel suicidal even though mentally you've given up"

I can very much relate to that at the moment. I am in total robot mode and succeeding in semi living (only at home my anxiety won't let me go away) but on the outside "im great", inside, numb.

Writing it down for me sometimes works, other times I feel as though it's all for nothing and sounds ridiculous.

 

Sorry I can offer anything helpful- I just wanted to let you know you were heard

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Thank you, to everyone who has replied! It is nice to know I'm not alone, but I do feel awful that you guys feel the same too, its not something I'd wish on anyone :(

 

Even when I'm having what I'd consider a good day, I could still just give up and lie in the middle of the road if I had the energy to do so. *sigh* 

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I wish more non-MI people understood what it's like to feel this way (or bad depression in general.) I wish the world could understand that for some of us, sometimes getting out of bed and putting on pants is a cause for celebration.

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Paperskyscraper, I joined this community because on Googling, "when you're done with life," I was led to your original forum post. I feel the same way in many respects, except I can no longer find any reason to be. Today, after getting something (sort of) I'd been hoping for for many years, I realized that my misery comes from simply being me, not from failing to acquire what I thought I and most other human beings craved. Although I still think life is generally hard and painful, I now believe you can be such a loathsome being that if you're aware of it, the very experience of life--of existence--can be detestable.

 

I used to lament the way people treated me--from bullies in school to unfaithful partners to apathetic community members and friends. Now I get that they've all just been responding to ME--that I just happen to be this thing that repulses others. It's really not them. It's me. And how do you commit to staying alive once you realize you're that filth clinging to the inside of the toilet bowl? Who recognizes that and says, "I'm valuable and good and choose to keep being"? Doesn't matter who because I can't sincerely utter anything remotely close to that.

 

And you're utterly right--we cannot unload on anyone else. Those who don't make money trying to fix us do have their own problems and, as a matter of emotional survival, can't allow themselves to get dragged down with us (I've heard that countless times). And the professionals already have their hands full with other patients. It's more expedient for them to process us according to their construed models. And if we don't get better, they'll abandon us because, "you can't help everyone." We're on our own--despite the contradictory public service announcements that we should speak up and get help. After long years of multi-drug therapies (horrid side effects), forced hospitalizations (degrading), shockingly socially inept "therapists," and even 2 different courses of bilateral short duration high potential ECT, I know there's no solution.

 

I also feel like throwing in the towel. Actually, I will. Very soon, because there's a clear negative slope in front of me. No thanks...

 

Thanks for expressing your feelings, and for creating the (sub-) forum. I hope more people write in. And I could really use some cyber-friends to chat with about all this.

 

Cheers.

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