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Paperskyscraper

When you're done with life, but not suicidal..?

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@ Wheatley

We care because it was selected-for by evolution.

Through most of the history of our species, survival was a group effort.

We could generally either co-operate or die.

Empathy enhanced survival.

Our current society ( In the US, the UK, and most Anglophone nations ) is, in my opinion, unnaturally competitive and atomized.

I believe it's a large part of why depression is epidemic.

I find that observing oneself having the emotion is useful.

Otoh, I have DID, so compartmentalizing is something I am really good at.

Your mileage may vary.

Edited by Stickler

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Hi Paperskyscraper,

I haven't read all the other posts on your thread (apologies) but your original post really resonated with me. I'm not suicidal (likely because of meds) but don't care about life. It's kind of like just breathing in and out. My body does it on its own fortunately. I broke about 15 years ago and now I just keep going on because it's expected. I see people my age with family, children, careers, lives and feel like a spectator. I feel like I missed it all. I remember how I was before meds (lithium and cipralex) and I fell into states where I didn't understand why people live. Those were bad times, but now I have my meds.

Sorry but I don't have anything to help. Just want to say that you're not alone with your thoughts.

grouse.

 

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utterly numb but not

utterly dumb but not

I am currently trying to work out if i am just lazy, scared of commitment, or depressed to the point i don't have the will.

I have been worse than this, that i know, Im not suicidal right now and haven't been for some months. I have been off work for 4 years after having a recurring cyst that needed removing.

I had a career for 25 yrs, worked my ass off full time and studied higher ed since i was 15 so i know i wasn't that lazy before life hit me in the soul.

I am not on anti depressants or psychotic meds at all, never have done, despite my doctor suggesting i take anti depressants several times. I refuse them. I have changed my diet to try to improve my moods which did work, but i slack off and get lethargic with that too going for the easiest options. again lazy…? I have no energy to go out do anything i just about manage to keep my place clean, I live on my own. I go through stages of letting the place get into a shit state until someone insists they are coming round then i do a blitz of the flat so no one notices. I don't go anywhere anymore, friends stopped inviting me over  a year ago now. I don't want to burden them with my shit anyway so i try not to talk about it with anyone. As far as they are concerned I am fine and managing my stuff internally. 

I was given 6 weeks of Cognitive behaviour therapy originally but the therapist said my issues ran too deep for solution focussed work and that i should get some psychotherapy (which I've had and the therapist told me that "life is hard if you see it that way and i don't have the answers for you, deal with it" exact words). She said i was suffering ptsd after various stuff has happened in my life and it may be a delayed reaction to coping with the shit for so many years (since i was a teen and ongoing). The is the first time i have written about it on a forum. 

I understand perception is everything, All is mental,  all is in the mind. I am all in my mind, i am nowhere else but in my mind.

I don't reach out to anyone or anywhere and avoid all forms of communication as much as possible without giving myself away to the people who don't know i suffer and without worrying people who do know i suffer from depression. That is what it felt like for years, a suffering, a deep all encompassing suffering. I wonder if i am ingesting all that has gone on in the world for all eternity and that my spirit is combusting slowly. 

now i feel numb and i can't move on.

So am I lazy? Apathy. Question pls discuss x

 

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I searched on google for

when you don't want to live but you don't want to die. 

thanks for posting this thread

Edited by Soul

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On 26 June 2014 at 1:09 PM, Cerberus said:

Another possibility is that you are suffering the effects of anhedonia (the scourge of my existence), which prevents you from being able to experience pleasure in things you would normally find pleasurable - and thus robs you of the rewards of being alive.  Anhedonia is tough to deal with, and definitely requires the services of a competent psychiatrist.  If you don't have one, hie thee to a mental health emporium at once for an evaluation.

 

I am the scourge 

shame brought me here

fear brought me closer

 

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Soul -

If I might ask, what type of therapist were you seeing? Was the person an actual psychologist, or were you seeing a licensed clinical social worker or some other type of counselor? Unless you were doing sessions every day, six weeks of any type of therapy strikes me as too little for a therapist to base a decision that you would not benefit from the therapy. Add to that: Why would a competent therapist tell you that you needed to get some psychotherapy? What were you seeing the therapist for, if not for psychotherapy? I regret to say that it does not sound as if you were dealing with a competent professional, and I strongly encourage you to find a professional psychologist (not a LCSW or other counselor) in your area and give it another try.

I am also curious why you have chosen to refuse medication. I have suffered from treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder for 40 years. I beat back its first major onslaught with therapy alone, and it took a decade. The second time it dragged me down, I decided to try the meds along with the therapy, and discovered that I could get relief in a fraction of the time because the medicine made it possible for the part of my mind that was still well to work against the part that wasn't. The medical mental health community as a whole generally accepts that the combination of medication plus therapy is more effective and provides quicker relief than either medication or therapy alone.

I read you saying "I understand perception is everything, All is mental,  all is in the mind." While awareness and mindfulness is important in getting better, it is absolutely untrue that "it's all in your head" in the sense that anything that makes you mentally unwell is the result of your self-imposed cognitive constructs. Your brain is a biological organ, and it can suffer physical ailment just like your heart, liver, or pancreas. There is no shame in needing medical help to correct a physical malfunction in a part of your body, and your brain is just another part. You may be suffering from the effects of poor neurotransmitter function or an imbalance of other chemical, enzyme or hormone levels that moderate the proper activity of your brain. Thoughts don't just "happen" in your head - without a working brain, you would have no thoughts, and if your brain isn't a correctly working biological machine, you won't produce your thoughts correctly.

The social isolation you describe is not a sign of positive self-reliance, but a concerning symptom of deepening depression. I'm glad that you've reached out to our community here at Crazyboards, and I hope you'll feel like sharing more about how you feel, how you progress, and read about some of our other members' experiences that may not be too different from your own.

 

Cerberus

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Is there anyone in your area trained to work with people who have PTSD? One of my best friends has it, and she's been doing EMDR to help her get in touch with some of her repressed memories. She says it's really helping. There are tons of other methods for helping with PTSD, if you don't want to do that. The best thing would be to talk to someone who's worked with people with PTSD before.

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Hmm. As I take it deep  breath and think of what I read... I'm thinking I'm sorry.. I'm thinking I know how you feel... I'm thinking  I want to help.. but the truth is.. I feel the same way... so why reach out or send my support.. Do you think I really care? Does anyone? I'm not suicidal  and been seeking  help.. but no one ever gets how I feel.. I have so much to live for but in a way I'm just exhausted with the way my life moves that I just want to throw in my towel and say fuck it!! Not crazy talk

But more like let me help get my self together so I can be happy... maybe it depression  or something else.. but I understood ur quote...and I felt the need to say I feel u!

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Title pretty much sums up the last decade for me.

I don't have it in me to go that far, so I just suffer life and its unfortunate miseries day after day.

Edited by BrianOCD

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 I cannot say how much i relate to this. When i eventually went to see a doctor all he asked was "did i want to hurt myself" and the answer truly is no, but a little part of me kind off hopes i get struck by a bus when crossing the road because i just don't have it in me to fight anymore. its nice to know im not alone 

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Sometimes I wish for horrible stuff to happen in a freak accident so I don't have to do anything myself...sad as that is 

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I don't wish these feelings on anyone, but it IS comforting to know others feel the way I do.  I am tired of life, even though it is a very comfortable life.  No suicidal intention, but if I fell asleep and never woke up it would be a relief.  Between the tears I'm trying to find a few things each day that I enjoy or give my life meaning.  Miss my mom and sister and dad who have all passed.  Feel like an old soul.  Ready to be done.  But I have people depending on me so I can't be done.  One day at a time, I guess.  

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I could have written this. I tend to hermit, I'm over life too but not suicidal. But I don't feel actual emotions anymore except depression and anxiety. I remember happiness and joy and I know when I *should* feel them and react as such to keep up appearances, but I don't ever truly feel happy.

It's cost me jobs, friendships, relationships...everything.

Thankfully I'm able to do enough because of my skills set that I can usually find work, and find a sort of escapism into it, but not right now. I feel tapped out. I just got a really good job I start the 25th, and I don't want to make a bad impression, thankfully it's mostly remote work. But still, I'm scared because my psychiatrist is kind of nuts and irresponsible, doesn't fill/refill prescriptions in a timely manner, and I've just sorta thrown in the towel too.

I want to wean off Adderall but I don't think he'll let me do it as I'm tapering down on a benzo, but I feel like it puts this dark cloud over everything. I'm numb. When I don't take it I almost feel like doing things, but I lost a job earlier this year because I went off it for a month.

It's the only med that allows me to really perform, but I also have some other conditions that I need it for for energy.

But I'd say the last 4 years have been the worst, but the last 7 I've just been existing. Just waiting out a clock. 

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BTW, my overall issue I think might be one of anhedonia.

But, I've known there was something different about me since I was a kid. When I started college things lifted temporarily, then I transferred and my classwork was a breeze and I had a lot of free time, then got my dream part-time job then was hired full-time, and those were great years. Then I started tinkering with ADD meds and it all went to hell. I'd never had the "highs" of bipolar, just low and lower. On Adderal the first time around I had the symptoms, so we tried other things but my ADD was still terrible. It's actually why I switched colleges and changed majors -- I couldn't study. My major when I changed it was just really a deeper but less advanced form of what I did for hobbies anyway, and so I was far ahead of my classmates and a favorite of my advisor, who ran the department.

Over the years I've been inpatient and out, seen several licensed psychologists, but my favorite one died young :( 

LMSW's don't seem to "get" what I'm going through. They say I focus too much on the medicine. But with thyroid and autoimmune conditions, I feel like it all comes down to choosing between my mental health and my physical health, and nothing re: my mental health has worked.

I had something rough happen to me about 5 years ago, so I went partial hospitalized, but that was something normal and situational that would have bothered anyone I think. The program DID help me with that specific instance, but not the true depression/lack of feelings.

Other programs, including inpatient, always seem to think I'm hiding some juicy secret, and that I need to admit it or else they can't help me. They almost seem disappointed...like they want the dirty details, but there's none of that there. I mean, since the depression has gotten worse I guess I have a little bit of trauma now, and while my childhood wasn't ideal it wasn't abusive or anything either. Nothing ever happened to me that could have caused PTSD, it was just like I was sorta ok, then the ADD meds and boom. I eventually was put on a mood stabilizer, and my doc back then asked if i wanted to try a different route to treating what we'd assumed was bipolar to ADD+GAD+Treatment Reistant Major Depressive Disorder.

At first the cocktail we put me on sort of helped, and I went through a numb but pleasant period for a while, then again, everything just went to shit.

I can almost deal better with the depression than the anxiety, but it feels...crippling.

But therapists and social workers don't seem to believe me. They swear there had to be some sort of other trauma in my past, and again, shitty stuff's happened but that's just life. My extended family has a history with mental illness. But I felt like I could feel my own very early on in life, when there hadn't been anything truly "depressing" around me at all.

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@yellowlovesgray Yes...being depressed for "no reason" majorly sucks. And I agree sometimes anxiety is the worst of all. has anything helped the anhedonia? I assume uve tried a lot. Oh and agree about LMSW too, I've had a tough time connecting 

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I feel like I lack feeling... and then I don't... and then feeling comes in the form of anxiety.  Sometimes feelings are light though and I have some good people in my life.  I have made some good choices in the people I have in my life.  And sometimes I chose bad people.  And other times I simply have no choice.

I think I have bonafide depression.  I don't sink into bed and hide for days.  I function but feeling normal in crowds and in general doesn't always happen for me.  My doc dx'd me with social phobia, anxiety and PTSD. I was initially dx'd with bipolar 2 mixed episodes.  With the bipolar 2 dx the doctor essentially filled in the blanks to fit a narrative that didn't even happen.

People suck and then they do something wonderful. And then they suck again.

I have left a total of three jobs this year.  Plus I temped. It sucks.  I left the other job for reasons that just were beyond my control, and simply because some employers seem to try to ram their bullshit down my throat, or just make getting employed with them a waste of time with ridiculous hopes to jump through.  I honestly find the employment market literally hostile and designed to make you lose it.

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On 9/15/2017 at 0:09 AM, Iceberg said:

@yellowlovesgray Yes...being depressed for "no reason" majorly sucks. And I agree sometimes anxiety is the worst of all. has anything helped the anhedonia? I assume uve tried a lot. Oh and agree about LMSW too, I've had a tough time connecting 

Nothing really. :( I take Adderall, and for about 3 hours I almost care about things, but it's false. It's just that "euphoria" if you want to call it that, of the amphetamines. I'm giving CDB oil a stab and I've been saying for a few years I'm gonna go ahead and invest in the ketamine therapy even though it's not FDA regularted yet, BUT I just learned it's now available not only in my area but my CITY and the prices have become a LOT more reasonable. Going to call and inquire about an appointment. 

I have to do something. I can't exist like this. I care about and feel nothing. It's cost me everything.

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On 9/15/2017 at 1:35 AM, wookie said:

I have left a total of three jobs this year.  Plus I temped. It sucks.  I left the other job for reasons that just were beyond my control, and simply because some employers seem to try to ram their bullshit down my throat, or just make getting employed with them a waste of time with ridiculous hopes to jump through.  I honestly find the employment market literally hostile and designed to make you lose it.

This is the part that kills me. I'm a BEAST at what I do so I'm self-employed, but the isolation of that doesn't help my condition.

I got 2 AMAZING jobs in the last two months and had to leave both. :(

ITA about the employment market being hostile and designed to just make you give up or fail. I chose these two opportunities out of dozens because of the lack of bullshit. Still, one was deceptive with their hiring, the second one, well they just thought I wasn't taking the work seriously and they questioned my physical health a lot. It made me uncomfortable and sent my anxiety soaring. 

It sucks because they were both VERY cool, rewarding and for me easy jobs to do with a cool atmosphere and neat perks — the first was 6 figures even and the workday was 8:30 am — 4:30 PM with TWO LUNCH HOURS. One at noon, another at 2pm. But, the recruiter that hired me for that lied to me about a huge detail of the job. If I'd been less ill I could have dealt with it but I couldn't right now.

But yes all the hoops, the time wasted, etc. This summer one company led me through 4 4-hour interviews and told me their applicant pool was terrible, were practically planning morning commutes with me, etc., then invited me to a 2 hour lunch. I was tossed from the process altogether because of something health-related making me run a litle late (had to do with my vision and an eye exam, nothing mental), and they said it was no problem whatsoever, and they had me a pick a restuarant and then we rescheduled for the following week.

I got the rejection letter from HR over the weekend. Sigh.

On 6/12/2017 at 9:10 PM, Iceberg said:

Sometimes I wish for horrible stuff to happen in a freak accident so I don't have to do anything myself...sad as that is 

I kinda do this too...

I'm not suicidal by means of sheer logic: what if I do it wrong and wind up in a worse state? 

I'm at the point where I actually expressed interest in donating a kidney to a stranger I read about. Like, I don't really care what happens to me anymore. I'm just not gonna end it. But if missing a kidney puts me closer to an end and helps someone in the process I'm fine with that. I'm just waiting out a clock.

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I had a MIRACLE breakthrough by chance...I've been Googling to figure out how to make this fly the correct way with my psychiatrist, because this was an off-label accident and there's no way on god's green holy earth a psychiatrist will prescribe this for me and I don't want to go down a road "abusing" something else to feel baseline.

Long story short, I have some other chronic conditions that cause some pain and sciatica flare ups. In the past doctors have given me a few meds to manage it, but I avoided taken them for a few reasons. One gave me terrible nausea, Tramadol severely worsened my depression, and Vicodin was very pleasant but i DID feel "high" and euphoric. I became leery of it all and a few months ago was prescribed Flexoril, and I picked up the prescription but never touched it. The pain and flareups are bad but not debilitating for my situation at the moment, so I didn't wanna risk some wacky side effect. 

Well about 2 nights ago the sciatica DID become unbearable, and so I finally cracked open the Flexoril.

O.M.G.

I slept nice, but it was the moment I woke up. 

I hadn't felt so close to baseline in so many years. It felt like the first day of the rest of my life. It didn't feel necessarily euphoric, I just felt an absense of impending doom. And I was able to feel a slight range of emotions again. I got normal perspective back vs. hyper anxious sky-is-falling if this doesn't get done feeling. I try coping skills and other things I've learned in therapy to combat this thinking and logically I'm aware that the sky is indeed not falling, but my body and brain can't stop that sensation from feeling within.

My day was typical, but pleasant. Normal. Again not euphoric, the way Vicodin makes me feel, just pleasant. I actually left the house for lunch with my roomate, and didn't check my phone compuslively for emergency texts from a client. I just felt like "I'm allowed to give myself a break for lunch. My projects are on time and the client and I are very in sync with communication," the way a normal self-employed adult would. 

I had a pleasant conversation with my mom that I enjoyed. I chatted with a neighbor while I was checking my overstuffed mailbox. I felt desires to clean my room, but felt normal and OK with the fact that my day was full, so it's ok if it doesn't happen immediately — it's on "the list." 

I felt so...normal. 

I didn't need the Flexoril that night, and the next day was sorta ok, but had the impending doom and depression symptoms I usually have, but on a lesser scale. 

I had another pain situation last night, and again needed the Flexoril, and again, today — normal and pleasant AF. Nothing special about my day, this is the same day I've had for a few years, there's just no impending doom feelings. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. 

I did some Googling, and I eventually read someone say that Flexoril is similar to the tricylic antideprssanes, which I've never tried. 

Could there be hope in that? I don't want to go down the path of abusing Flexoril to feel normal, but it's like it cured my symptoms overnight. But, not truly — I get that it wears off as quickly as it works.

But where in there is my answer? This has given me hope. HOPE. Genuine feelings of HOPE and not just logical ones.

I have not felt this way in close to a decade.

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Im just done.

I work almost 40 hours a week, get 3 hours of sleep a night. I barely make time to eat. My car needs so many replacement parts that I can't keep up with it. My stepdad and Mom are getting divorced, so he took 200 bucks out of my wallet. My grandpa came home drunk and I got into a shouting match with him. I went down the road, told my mom over the phone, and as I was turning around, he hit the rear of my car at 35, destroyed his, threw out my back, and blames me. He's now suicidal. My brother hates my guts for no reason other than my stepdad makes him think I'm the bad guy. I'm not going to graduate high school because of the amount of shit I have to deal with. I'm not going to make it into the Marine corps because of this. I've been single for years, met a girl who's perfect for me, she just ended her last relationship so I asked her out. For 14 hours, I was actually happy. Next morning, I find out they got back together. I had stopped dating because of how my last relationship ended. I was suicidal at age 11 to 16, and had an abusive father when I was very young. My entire family has disowned me and my mom. I'm always depressed, have anxiety issues, a introvert, and purposely a dick to people to keep them out of the black hole that is my life. My dog died, my cat is about to, my grandpa refuses to speak to me, my brother won't acknowledge me, and my stepdad wants me gone. I cried for a good 15 minutes after talking to the girl who I was going to go out with when she told me that. I just want to fucking die at this point. I have nothing in my life worth living for, nothing to show for, a dead end job, no money, no happiness, and no life. I don't enjoy anything anymore and I can't find a reason to continue, and don't understand why I keep going. Life has beat me into the ground and kicked me while I'm down, and continues to do so. I just don't know what to do anymore...

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Yikes! I haven't been through what you have. I understand that feeling well. I haven't gone through near what you have and I think it's amazing you've been able to keep going. And I'm saying this as a compliment to how strong you must be, even if you don't see it. My shit is from family stuff like yours and I cycle through feeling what you feel to feeling nothing at all to being furious, with mostly myself but also every petty thing that goes on around me. It's been a while since you posted this so I won't write a bunch. But if you get this and would like to chat, let me know. I'm no hot shot at this stuff to say the least. But I go where you are much more than I care to. Peace.

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I'm really tired of this shit.  34 years of torture is long enough.  I just want a disease that will kill me quick and without pain. 

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It's been awhile since my last posting. Since everything that happened between then and now, quite a few things happened. The girl I talked about, she got pregnant from her peice of shit boyfriend who's now a methhead, and I told her if anything went South, that I wouldn't mind being a father for the child. Two weeks later, she had a miscarriage, and I died inside again. Then it got better. She took advantage of how I felt about her to make herself feel wanted because her boyfriend wasn't doing good enough. After that, told me I had no real place in her life, and that killed me even more. So much so, that my friends wouldn't let me drive alone. They took my gun, took all my knives, and would constantly check up on me. Trying to deal with it all, I took up drinking. I stopped after downing half a bottle of Jim beam black, 86 proof in two minutes, and didn't have a hangover after 5 hours of sleep. I had become an alcoholic so my buddy took my alcohol to see how long I could last without a drink. I made it 17 hours before I came to his door begging for it. I also took up smoking. I still care about this girl, and she's in a better place now that methhead is gone, but for a while was cutting herself, and I asked her to stop as a favor to me. She felt guilty about what she did and I wouldn't let her blame herself. My little sister, who was dating my best friend got pregnant, and had a miscarriage too. Then one of my buddy's tried to kill himself by driving into a tree at 80 with no seatbelt. My mom turned into an alcoholic version of my stepdad, and my girlfriend who I have now, I want to leave, but don't want to hurt her. I want to be with the last girl no matter how much it might mess me up, but I can't bring myself to hurt my girlfriend. The messed up part is she makes me happy, at least to a degree, but is way to serious right now. Asked about kids, marriage, and we've been going out for a few months. I can't tell anyone I know about this problem because I know it will circle back. I don't know what to do about her, she makes me feel like I'm wanted, and needed, but I just want to be alone. I can't commit, not now, when I'm still so messed up in the head. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I pump so much nicotine into my body that it literally makes me sick, but I can't stop. I've temporarily put off drinking, but I don't know for how long. I feel like I'm running and endless loop that I can't get out of. Happy, lonely, depressed, suicidal, then feel nothing at all. I don't even trust myself to be alone e anymore, and I've held a knife to my wrist more times that I can count. The only thing that stops me is the little thought in my head of "who am I going to hurt by doing this?". I'm constantly listening to depressing music, and losing sleep, appetite, and weight. I have a fast metabolism and usually maintain 140-145, but I'm down to 130. I got my back checked out and I have 4 different degrees of skoliosis, and I'm constantly exhausted. I'm now working 60 to 70 hours a week on salary with no overtime. My OCD and ADD are in overdrive and so is my depression, half the time, I don't even know what set it off. The only time I feel genuinely happy is when the girl I want to be with is who I'm thinking about, and all of my friends except for two hate her, and blame her for my problems, even though they were there before she came along. I don't know what to do, wiether to cut all ties and leave, jump off a bridge, go on like nothing's wrong, or make a decision that could make or break me. Any opinions or ideas would be much appreciated

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