38 posts in this topic
My anxiety for the last two days has been rather high, but nothing really unmanageable until i think about going outside. I don't have agoraphobia but going outside is still a stressful event for me that cycles until i get back home. However these last two days even just going to the end of my driveway has been a terror and has increased my depression just because i feel so guilty about how scared i am.
Usually i would wait until i feel a little better but i really need to go into town and buy a few things; does anyone have some tips that really help them stay calm when they get out of the house?
Need med & Pdoc advice please
I broke down and finally went through with it thoroughly to see a Tdoc then a Pdoc last year and since then have tried quite a few different meds for my Dx (see signature below).
Just a few months back my Pdoc went on maternity leave (while I was just given the Buspar to try) and was assigned another Pdoc while she was away. When it was time to go back I went in and told him what issues I was having with the Buspar and he Rx'd me the Clonazepam (0.5mg 3x daily) to try. It did work for awhile. My regular Pdoc came back, she seen what I was on and pretty much said she didn't like the idea of anyone being on it & how it was addicting, etc. She asked me if it helped, I said "Yes" (was too afraid at the time to say that it worked well for awhile but not as much anymore in fear she would change it to some other Rx) and she also asked if it helped with my sleep as well, of which I said "No" (because it didn't) and she gave me the 15mg daily of the Mirtazapine for sleep. Found out that 15mg makes me way too groggy the next day, so I just take a sliver of it each night (probably a mg or 2) and it works great like that.
But back to the main issue at hand, the Clonazepam... it worked for awhile but not-so much now, but I am afraid to bring it up to her. I don't know what I should say to her, I've just been telling myself that I'll go in and act like everything's hunky-dory and working great but I hate that I am feeling the way I do (luckily not as bad but still).
What should I do?
Mirtazapine to replace Adderall
This is my second post. So again, bear with me.
I have some issues with substance abuse, depression, and just about every type of anxiety disorder you can find in the DSMs. With my "addictive personality," Adderall has become a drug that I just can't get enough of. I've been taking it for over a year and have come to a conclusion that if I keep taking it, things will only get worse than they are now.
I don't have a job and live with my parents. I'm a part-time student and only take a couple courses per semester. It's been years since I held an official job. At first, I thought that Adderall was enhancing my performance--in everything, but that couldn't be further from the truth. The most I've gotten out of it are As in my classes and repetitive artwork that seems to be getting "bland" over time. After a ton of obsessive research, I concluded that mirtazapine might be the key to curing my anxiety and depression, help me gain weight, and quit Adderall. I don't want to get into pharmacology of the combination of Adderall and mirtazapine, because I'm way, way too tired.
Anyway, my doctor agreed with me that mirtazapine may be a fantastic option to cure all of what I've stated above. I was prescribed 15 milligrams to take nightly. The first night I was out cold, and the next day wasn't too bad at all. The second day (today) however, I'm cranky, impatient, exhausted, and guilty for not doing anything with my life. I know I want to give this medication a fair shot, but I'm one of those people that read up way too much on other's experiences with medication. The positives so far are that I'm not craving Adderall as much as I usually do, and clonazepam (which I forgot to note) isn't really needed either. Still, with this lethargy there is absolutely no way I could hold a job or even continue in school.
All in all, I want to know if anyone can relate, especially if they have been on Adderall and mirtazapine simultaneously. Also, has anyone quit Adderall cold-turkey from a 40mg dose (or over)? If so, how long did it take to get your mental and physical energy back. I have the rest of summer to solve this, but as all people that take pharmacueticals know, seeing a doctor/psychiatrist every two weeks and continued trial-and-error fails takes so much time, money and stress.
Alright--first post, so bear with me here.
It took me about five minutes to figure out what to type after that sentence. As much as I'd like to write a memoir on this forum about my insane drug-induced disordered life, I'll try to make my questions simple. Really, I couldn't decide if I should post in this thread or the OCD, social phobia, depersonalization, or addictions one.
I used to be a crazy, outgoing kid that loved going out in public. Pulling pranks on people in grocery stores and getting in trouble at fast food drive-thru's were my favorite hobbies. I had been like this my whole life, up until I started using marijuana when I was 16. A few years into my addiction (that's what I'll call it) I had some sort of psychotic break in one of my high school classes. I was on venlafaxine at the time for depression; anxiety was never an issue.
I've read of all sorts of these depersonalized episodes due to cannabis use (especially when using as an adolescent). These reoccur and are something I'll have to accept until I find a cure, hopefully. I gave up smoking the day it happened, which was three years ago, and haven't touched it since.
The only why my psych was able to help me out was by prescribing clonazepam. It was a blessing until, you know, I got hooked like everyone else. It seemed to slow me down a bit. It took the edge off, but being a socially gimped zombie wasn't what I wanted. After a year I wanted to speed things up, so that's what I asked for; Adderall. I started at 30 and was at 50 within a month. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a better psychiatrist. But, I asked for it, and I knew what I was getting myself into.
Whether I have ADD or not, I enjoyed Adderall and have been taking it for over a year (clonazepam for two years). After tolerance built up though, all I was left with was blue hands and feet. I've gone down to 40 milligrams and am really hitting the wall. I need to get to the point; this is only the addiction portion.
My life now: I rarely leave the house (or even my room for that matter), take college courses online, write, and draw. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I simply don't want to. I do fear conversations though, or people in general. I can't make eye contact with anyone, lose my words between each sentence, and can see myself from their POV. All of this makes me (or how I see me) look like a stuttering, paranoid person with schizophrenia. The only times I leave the house are when I have to, and I rarely take my Klonopin during the day due to the zombie hazes.
I have a feeling the Adderall has contributed to a mix of OCD and OCPD. Matter of fact, I believe all of the symptoms that make me a completely dysfunctional individual are due to drugs. The weed started the engine and the pharmaceuticals added fuel to it. I'm trying to wean off of everything slowly right now but it's still a disaster.
I just want to be able to make a simple phone call without writing down what I'm going to say first. I'm tired of leaving earth at a family dinner. And I'm tired of needing to carry a pocket-full of pills everywhere I go, if I go.
Any comments, questions, or answers to why I define every anxiety disorder in the DSM-5 will be greatly appreciated.
Maybe I’m faking everything and people are going to find out
I’m starting to think that this is one of the main reasons I experience so much social anxiety just from being around people. It feels like I’m telling lies without realising it, doing abnormal or ingenuine things without realising it, and acting out a strange amalgamation of different people I find interesting because I have no person of my own.
These feel like the most unnacceptable things possible to be thinking; there are waves of heat going through my body; my heart is beating weirdly; I want to throw up. It seems like just by being around people I’m showing them that I’m not fully real and there’s something wrong with me, and they can tell simply by being around me(the way I sit, the way I act, the way I look) and the more people show that they’ve realised this the sooner I’m going to have to fully realise it myself and it feels like I’m going to have to get out whichever way, so why not right now?
I think that I’m faking my mental health problems on some sort of subconscious level – is it possible to fake something without realising it, or without realising it beyond a suspicion that it might be happening? That I’m saying stupid things without realising that everyone else is going to see right through them, and people are going to get angry. But there's nothing beyond the pretence, and I couldn't find what was true if my life depended on it.
Then, when I was most certainly depressed I recall breaking down to my mother telling her that I thought I might be faking everything and actually I’m just the worst person ever, and it was pretty obvious that it *was* depression, but then, what if I was just faking it really well, so well that eventually I even convinced myself, using other people to do so? What if I’m the worst person to exist and only trying to convince myself otherwise; what if it's impossible for me to experience suffering which isn't my own fault, only inflict it on myself and others; what if I'm inherently bad and don't even know what good is; what if everyone can tell; what if it sickens everyone to even briefly notice my existence so that they have to shove down thoughts (however fleeting) of wanting me to die?
Please tell me this is a doubt that others have