Parapluie

Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

6694 posts in this topic

4 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Have you had the call?  If so, how did it go?

i answered her questions truthfully about having dug up and updated my plans. and how much peace it gave me to do so. 

she wants to do daily check in and have an appointment this thursday at 8:00 pm. who meets their therapist at eightfuckingpm? i think she's trying to entrap me. 

 

in other news, i think i've been spamming my own blog and i must be saying uncomfortabe things because people view, but nobody replies... i wonder what that means? i hope i'm not word salad and just don't know it. i should reality check my coherence in communication maybe...

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23 minutes ago, Closure said:

Ugh, waiting until March has got to suck...

Totally does.  It isn't even a realistic thing to wait that long ... I mean how the heck am I supposed to wait 3 months, with a broken wire around my hip (upper hip, near the ball and socket), which I was told isn't anything, not to worry about it (I questioned her again too, and she, again, said "no, it isn't anything worry about.  Doesn't matter that it is like that").  I was also told the plastic part where the ball part fits into the socket, that it could be wearing down and if so maybe particles of that might be coming off.  I try to remain positive about all of this, but is that realistic?

They had a couple of openings in January, but my mother said nothing before Jan 15th.  Then the next opening was Jan 31st, and my mother has a dentist appt.  Then in Feb, stuff is going on, but they said that Feb was booked (although I'm sure there would be cancellations at one point), and that leaves March to happen.  And the thing is, is that I have no clue how to get into Boston, and I would have no ride to Alewife, to and from.  She wants to go too anyway.  And I'd rather have someone go with me for support.  I don't have friends who would do something like this to the extent I would need them.  That is why I have to go by my mother's schedule too.  Very frustrating.  I just don't want to end up in the ER, before having the appt in March ... then what.  Actually that might be the best thing to happen, instead of waiting 3 more months.

14 minutes ago, mellifluous said:

i answered her questions truthfully about having dug up and updated my plans. and how much peace it gave me to do so. 

she wants to do daily check in and have an appointment this thursday at 8:00 pm. who meets their therapist at eightfuckingpm? i think she's trying to entrap me.

I'm glad you were truthful with the person you talked to.  I know what you mean ... 8 PM is pretty late. 

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yeeeesh that sounds super frustrating Melissa. your mom can't reschedule a dentist appointment for this?

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1 hour ago, strange eyes said:

yeeeesh that sounds super frustrating Melissa. your mom can't reschedule a dentist appointment for this?

No, she won't.  I hinted around and said that 'the only day in Jan that he had an opening for was Jan 31st.'  Then I said 'I didn't make the appt because you have a dentist appt that day.'  And then nodded her head yes.  And she never said anything about rescheduling.  I am pretty sure that she wasn't willing to do so.  I didn't come out and ask it, but if i had it wouldn't have been worth the hassle and what she'd say ... it would really stress me out and it wouldn't be worth it.

However, I called MGH today to leave a message for my surgeon there, letting him know that I saw an ortho surgeon yesterday, and she told me the broken wire was "nothing to worry about."  So I asked if I could leave that message and they said he'd call back.  And I know I will get a double check when talking to him, and a solid answer.  I know he knows more than she does.  I mean they both know stuff, but he has lots more experience than she does.  So I am waiting for that call back right now.

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I'm really sick of hallucinating right now. I was okay with the level induced by the quetiapine. That I didn't have a problem with. But not this. I am distracted no matter where I look. It constantly takes up my attention. And I have no clue as to why this is happening. Yes, my mood is has gotten weird in the last three days.... but it has gotten far weirder than this before on many occasions and yet did not make me hallucinate like this. My meds have not changed that recently. So I don't know what's up.

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The DR at MGH appt has been moved up to Jan 24th, much more realistic than in March.

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Things are OK.  Things could be a lot worse.  I finished a book, WIndows 10 Inside Out.  772 pages, and now a new book, Professional Visual Studio 2015.  Will be learning some new stuff about it.. I am going to start using the Community edition.  We'll see how things.go.

I have stopped the worries about my SSDI.  I could always apply to a tech company in town since I seem to have the background while I go to school.  I am not changing pdoc or tdoc.  I need to learn the art of compromise.  Meeting with pdoc ended with clozapine, and all it's blood tests.  Things are a dull roar right now.  Voices telling me to hurt people.  Not very nice.  Also the endless commentary.  It's like a basketball or football game with what they are doing.

Edited by whatsizbucket

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4 hours ago, whatsizbucket said:

Things are OK.  Things could be a lot worse.  I finished a book, WIndows 10 Inside Out.  772 pages, and now a new book, Professional Visual Studio 2015.  Will be learning some new stuff about it.. I am going to start using the Community edition.  We'll see how things.go.

I have stopped the worries about my SSDI.  I could always apply to a tech company in town since I seem to have the background while I go to school.  I am not changing pdoc or tdoc.  I need to learn the art of compromise.  Meeting with pdoc ended with clozapine, and all it's blood tests.  Things are a dull roar right now.  Voices telling me to hurt people.  Not very nice.  Also the endless commentary.  It's like a basketball or football game with what they are doing.

i'm sorry the voices persist. i hope the clozaril helps. it's been overall decent for me. though the blood draws do suck. among other things. but it could be great for you and i hope it is. xx

5 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

The DR at MGH appt has been moved up to Jan 24th, much more realistic than in March.

YAY!!! that's fantastic news :)

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6 hours ago, mellifluous said:

 

YAY!!! that's fantastic news :)

Thank you!  I was psyched about it too!

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I was so hoping that when I woke up this morning I would not be hallucinating as much. I almost thought that such was actually so when I was getting up this morning. But no, I am definitely significantly hallucinating, albeit possibly not quite as strongly as yesterday... even though it is too early to say...

As for my mood, I honestly cannot tell where I am mood-wise; I feel a bit depressed ATM, but yesterday I was all over the place mood-wise, so it's too early to tell. (Well wait I now feel a bit, well, agitated?)

Edited by Closure

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21 minutes ago, Closure said:

I was so hoping that when I woke up this morning I would not be hallucinating as much. I almost thought that such was actually so when I was getting up this morning. But no, I am definitely significantly hallucinating, albeit possibly not quite as strongly as yesterday... even though it is too early to say...

As for my mood, I honestly cannot tell where I am mood-wise; I feel a bit depressed ATM, but yesterday I was all over the place mood-wise, so it's too early to tell. (Well wait I now feel a bit, well, agitated?)

sorry it's not improved...sorrier still that it's done the opposite. i get agitation from my psychotic symptoms too sometimes. do you have anything PRN for these occasions? 

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9 minutes ago, mellifluous said:

sorry it's not improved...sorrier still that it's done the opposite. i get agitation from my psychotic symptoms too sometimes. do you have anything PRN for these occasions? 

Nope, I have no PRN. To me agitation is associated with mixed mood rather than psychotic symptoms, I should note. (I should also note at least that things today aren't quite as bad agitation wise as the day before yesterday though.)

What is weird about this is that the mood symptoms seem to be associated with an increase in severity of my hallucinations and some resurfacing of my paranoia... but usually when my psychotic symptoms are associated with mood symptoms my mood symptoms are significantly more severe than they are now.

Edited by Closure

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1 minute ago, Closure said:

Nope, I have no PRN. To me agitation is associated with mixed mood rather than psychotic symptoms, I should note. (I should also note at least that things today aren't quite as bad agitation wise as the day before yesterday though.)

What is weird about this is that the mood symptoms seem to be associated with an increase in severity of my hallucinations... but usually when my psychotic symptoms are associated with mood symptoms my mood symptoms are significantly more severe than they are now.

my agitation is related to my "delusions", but i can see it being mood based for others.

when's your next medication appointment? maybe you could put in a call that your symptoms are worsening? maybe it's breakthrough stuff...if you can reduce stress that might help. easier said than done, though, i know.

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My pdoc appt is on Thursday, which feels so long from now, even though it is only tomorrow.

This fall has been characterized by my mood stabilizing, until this week, while at the same time paradoxically having breakthrough symptoms. I don't know why my psychotic symptoms have gotten so less controlled overall, when they had been absent for years (since early 2012) beforehand. My thought is that when I am symptomatic my meds overall become less effective, such that the risperidone does not work as well anymore as it used to.

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i hope the appointment results in some possible solutions for you. my risperdal dosage was much higher than yours, so there's likely room to move up. sucks, but it might help.

bonne courage xx

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My pdoc did not want to move up past 6 mg of risperidone for some reason, and felt that I needed something that would control my depression. The other option she mentioned was olanzapine... but we had decided against that one because it had not really controlled my depression at the time I had tried it years ago. Later on the quetiapine was increased further to control breakthrough symptoms. Of course there is plenty of room to go up on the quetiapine (since I'm only at 200 mg, and I hear of people around here often being at 800 mg or even higher), but the issue with that is that because quetiapine makes me hallucinate in the first place, would increasing it to treat an increase in hallucination beyond the level caused by the quetiapine itself of other origins (i.e. mood-related or breakthrough)?

Edited by Closure

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i don't know...it might... i've taken 800 seroquel and for me it's an odd med. at lower doses it seems to sedate and be overall ineffective. at higher doses it's not sedating for me and was decently effective. it might be worth a shot.

unknown on why they don't want to go up on risperdal, but could be simply he increased risk of side effects. you don't want leaky boobs ;) which i did develop after discontinuing at 10 and restarting up on 12.

with zyprexa...the dissolvables i still have PRN and they're VERY effective at squelching things for me. it's not the best maintenance medication for me...begrudging i can acknowledge that clozaril, at least in theory, is...but zyprexa is probably the best acute medication for me excepting acute injections when i'm super unwell.

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My pdoc seems to be quite conservative with the quetiapine because I am already on another AAP, at quite a decent dose, to begin with; she did not seem to really like the idea of me being on two AAPs in the first place. (She seems quite conservative with meds in general; before the clusterfuck that resulted from reducing my lithium and carbamazepine after I came out with somewhat high blood levels - even though I had told her it was due to my being non-compliant - she had expressed that she thought I was on a lot of meds to begin with... Thankfully she hasn't said anything of the sort since.)

The thing though is that things seem to have been unraveling slowly in recent times... paranoia and now hallucinations beyond the mere med-induced ones. My pdoc seems to think that the effect of risperidone and quetiapine is additive, and that because I am already on a bunch of risperidone, the quetiapine will have an antipsychotic effect without having to be at, say, 800 mg. I am not sure whether she is right, though.

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I'm really glad you see your Pdoc tommorow..it's not fair that you have to go through all this and be in the situation that you find yourself in..I truly hope something good comes out of this upcoming appointment..

 

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It's just like I was really hoping that things would stabilize and things would return to like they were before May... I was not expecting the bits of paranoia I was getting to turn into full-blown breakthrough symptoms, or what is happening now to happen, even when the paranoia seemed to be fading away up until Monday. So I feel quite disappointed and frustrated.

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I just woke up a little while ago, and I woke up agitated as all can be.  I hate this feeling.  Usually sleep helps it.  I hope this goes away very soon because I want to scream and yell at the first person I see, no matter how nice they might be.

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I'm flying out tomorrow with the hubby to see my family over 500 miles away! Yay! I'm so excited to see my parents. I miss them all the time and only get to see them twice a year.

5 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I just woke up a little while ago, and I woke up agitated as all can be.  I hate this feeling.  Usually sleep helps it.  I hope this goes away very soon because I want to scream and yell at the first person I see, no matter how nice they might be.

Oof. I know that feeling all too well. Unfortunately, my husband usually receives the brunt of those feelings. I hope the agitation goes away soon! 

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Thanks, heil :)  Me too.

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Agitation really fucking sucks, to say the very least. I hate having to keep myself from lashing out at whoever is around me, especially my daughter, since she really sets me off when I'm feeling that way.

And on a positive note, I am slowly getting together a trip to DC, hopefully with my daughter, so she can see the pandas and all kinds of fun stuff there (she's obsessed with pandas), and so I can meet with my friends Liz (haven't seen her in six years) and Jean-Paul (haven't seen him in four years), whom I dearly miss.

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