Parapluie

Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

6406 posts in this topic

I had a great Xmas, but today has been pretty shitty. Really wanted to try and go out but MI stuff got in the way, I don't want to be more specific, but things are pretty rough at the moment.

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woke up christmas morning to news that my guitar teacher i've known since i was 13 years old suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.  my mood has been excessively dark ever since.  really hope i feel better soon.

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4 hours ago, strange eyes said:

woke up christmas morning to news that my guitar teacher i've known since i was 13 years old suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.  my mood has been excessively dark ever since.  really hope i feel better soon.

I'm sorry to hear that.  I hope you feel better soon also.

6 hours ago, The Hitcher said:

I had a great Xmas, but today has been pretty shitty. Really wanted to try and go out but MI stuff got in the way, I don't want to be more specific, but things are pretty rough at the moment.

That sucks.  I'm glad you had a great Christmas, but am sorry you are going through a rough time now.  I hope it doesn't last.

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Just chiming in, letting everyone know that if they want their family lines worked on, to let me know.  I am looking to do my genealogical certification, and I think I have to have a certain number of hours logged before I can certify.

Even if it's genetic genealogy, I can do it.  You can PM me on here, and I'll send you what I need to get started.

OK, now to other news:  Today was a relaxing day  Veery laid back.  Until my dad came upstairs.  He started off an anxiety attack.  I took an ativan, and laid down.  I felt better after laying there for a while.  Not  much else.

Cheers!

Edited by whatsizbucket

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melli ... How did everything go?

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22 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

melli ... How did everything go?

it went ok. i think i had a good chat with my psychiatrist. he's basically, like, let's try 400 for a couple of weeks and see what happens, but i need to do all of the other stuff i've stopped doing because the meds only go so far and i have to do the rest of the work to challenge my delusions or whatever. i mean, the problem isn't i lack insight right now. and i'm not hearing voices except occasionally, but so ...like, i probably do hear this or that daily, but i'm not bombarded by voices at all right now. and it's a huge mental block for me as well, my resistance to my diagnosis and i'm not accepting of it and that plays a role in how resentful i am of it and how difficult it is for me to not prima facie go toward dysfunctional thinking. 

i'm glad he didn't try to talk me into going in. he was, like, you've been doing alarming things, but if you tell me you're not a risk to yourself, i'm going to trust you. and i really don't think i am. i think i could be, i guess, but i'm only motivated by these thoughts that, at least some of which, might have more to do with my letting my psychosocial support dismantle.

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just to clarify because i got a text and had to post suddenly: i'm not going to do it because i have a small girl, so i must figure it out somehow. it just sucks because i'm totally done but i'm also not at all because of her. that's a lot to put on a kid, so i have to figure this shit out, you know? like, i have to not only not be dead for her, i have to be as stable as possible. and i'm just not right now. i had a bad week with meds because i misfilled my pill dispenser. i put the morning dosage in both AM and PM. and it wasn't much, but i'm so prone to it and i also have OCD, as you know, and that fuels the doom and destruction and i have terrible intrusive thoughts and those are almost fully in check (though, thankfully, i didn't mess up the ability or zoloft...), but my basic response to stress is not a good one and that week caused stress in some way. it worries me that it's that touchy because i don't even remember how long ago that week was, exactly, but it started with me becoming rapidly increasingly delusional and starting to self isolate and then suddenly i've not done anything in a while and i'm revising plans and blah blah blah...it just gets out of hand so fucking quickly. i really don't know what to say about it. treatment resistance sucks. but i just have to hold on. so, like, yes, of course i'm suicidal all of the time right now, but that'll fade with the medication increase. patience isn't my strong suit but i don't have a choice. and i have to start going to groups again and doing all of the other shit that makes me able to cope with my mental health. i just get so fucking sick of it sometimes. 

anyway, so i'm dealing with it, only grumpily at times. xx

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So I already believe I'm being spied on and people are out to get me but the latter has been fairly calm. It's just been something at the back of my head. Nobody has hired a hitman in a while. But I watched Tana Mongeau's video on her stalker and that sort of sent me into hypervigilance mode. I'm not sure if the "persecutory delusions" are back. I remember back in AZ there was a murderer hiding in my walls and there was always someone inside waiting to stab me. There was always somebody hired to kill me. My bf (now ex) always had a hitman hired (the worst hitman ever - he never tried to kill me). I'm not sure if this is just a temporary thing because I've been watching conspiracy videos and uber driver stories but everywhere I go someone is trying to kill me. Everyone. I have pepper spray so I feel a bit safer. My finger is on the button at all times. But everybody is a potential threat. I can't fall asleep comfortably because I know that someone is hiding in my walls waiting to come out and stab me. Or they're hiding in the small space in my closet. I'm afraid to look. I don't want my suspicions to be true.

My uber drivers are going to kill me. The people at the bus stop are going to kill me. Someone is going to set off a bomb in the bus. Anything left behind is a bomb. I saw a glove on a trash can. I saw sneakers left on the bus - like, nobody forgot their used sneakers by accident clearly it was something. Water bottles. Anything. Everything is potentially poison. Everybody is a threat. They're all hiding knives or guns or bombs or something. We'll see if this goes away. Today I looked at a sign because I wanted to see if it was the bus stop and the girl that was walking by me asked me if I was okay. Why did she ask me? I just turned around to look at a sign. Why? She knows something. Shit. They're sending people out on the street to keep tabs on me. Fuck. Did I do something to make them mad? I'm improving and they don't want me to improve and I'm going to find out the truth. 

I was looking through my memo app on my phone today. It's where I write my notes because what I write is already being looked at so I just gave up. I need to write my feelings on something portable. But I saw that at 12:26PM (while I was still asleep) I created a note. My sleep has been even weirder and I wake up more confused. This is what I wrote: "Fuck. I can't really wondering about the truth. Obama finally get I am sweating like crazy. I can't remember for season." 

What did I find out in my sleep? What truth was I searching for? Something is going on in my sleep. I'm doing something. It's odd. There were phone calls to my mom at 1AM. I have no memory of talking to her. What truth was I finding out? Is that why I'm even more confused when I wake up so that I don't remember the truth that I've uncovered? Maybe. Guys, I might be on to something. There is the possibility that it's because of some self-discovery shit and that's the truth that I'm uncovering but that doesn't seem possible. I feel like it's what my therapist would tell me though. It was still a cryptic message that I left myself. What if it was another me in my sleep? What if that's why I'm so involved in my sleep because it's an alternate life? No, stop thinking about this. Stop making it even bigger.

I'm afraid to email pdoc or tdoc about this because I'm sure they'll say it's not a delusion because I have insight. But do I? I don't know. I know this is true but I'm hoping it's not. If they say that, are they in on it? I don't know. I don't want to tell them. Pretty sure tdoc spies on me on crazyboards. I mentioned the site once. Not sure if I should confront him about it. I don't know. Pdoc doesn't know about crazyboards so I don't think he's tracking me. 

Note to self: stop watching uber horror stories. 

Edited by iaawal

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45 minutes ago, iaawal said:

Pdoc doesn't know about crazyboards so I don't think he's tracking me. 

Same with me ... I'm not worried so much about the tracking me though ... it is more like going behind my back somehow.  Hard to explain, but I go out of my way to not mention CB.  There was only one time I printed out something I wrote here to give to him, so with that he had the CB website URL.  I think he overlooked that though because he has never referred to this site specifically, and most times things he won't remember something like the URL without jogging his mind.  And that I do not plan on doing.

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2 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Same with me ... I'm not worried so much about the tracking me though ... it is more like going behind my back somehow.  Hard to explain, but I go out of my way to not mention CB.  There was only one time I printed out something I wrote here to give to him, so with that he had the CB website URL.  I think he overlooked that though because he has never referred to this site specifically, and most times things he won't remember something like the URL without jogging his mind.  And that I do not plan on doing.

That's smart. 

it also would feel like an invasion of privacy, if that makes sense.

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1 minute ago, iaawal said:

it also would feel like an invasion of privacy, if that makes sense.

Yes it does make sense ... exactly.

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anyone here get tattooed regularly? I got a cpl new ones yesterday. however I had been hearing incessant voices before my appt. while I was getting tattooed I heard voices the entire time. that, coupled w physical pain, was a terrible experience. I've never heard voices like that while getting tattooed before. might've been bc I barely got sleep the night before and that just made my voices worse. anyway uploaded a pic of the tattoos I got done bc I am still really stoked on them lol. 

image.png

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no tattoos for me...i'm not ok with anything that i see as permanent...it's complicated. but, anyway, that's amazing you were able to get all of that work done with your voices pestering you. that's huge! but, sorry to hear they're breaking through during stress. lack of sleep is guaranteed to make me have more trouble with voices, too. hope you get some rest. xx

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thanks melli! I slept for abt nine hours last night and my voices aren't nearly as bad today 

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1 hour ago, mellifluous said:

no tattoos for me...i'm not ok with anything that i see as permanent...it's complicated. but, anyway, that's amazing you were able to get all of that work done with your voices pestering you. that's huge! but, sorry to hear they're breaking through during stress. lack of sleep is guaranteed to make me have more trouble with voices, too. hope you get some rest. xx

Same ... not tattoos for me either.

Stress and lack of sleep is guaranteed to make the voices worse for me too.  I'm glad you ended up getting sleep and that your voices have calmed down.

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I'm so inward and stuck with my thoughts and things are starting to crawl in my headspace and take over..I try to explain things to myself and wish things away..but I get swarmed and stuck..I know the course of action I need to take to rid myself of all this torment..but I fear the outcome..nothing ever truly helps..just puts a moment of silence before it all comes back..I feel haunted..

There's so much and so little going on..I feel overwhelmed by everything and am avoiding life..I've trapped myself..

I'm waiting for social security to send documents in the mail to send me to see one of their doctors..I fear this..the whole process scares me and makes me have to look closely at myself..something I truly try to avoid..

It's brought me to a place I'm further uncomfortable in..this deciding if I'm deserving of state assistance to live this life I truly regret living..It's too complicated to fully grasp the situation..I'm not winning anything if I qualify..I feel like I'm losing pieces of me that are already gone..

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12 minutes ago, coraline said:

I'm so inward and stuck with my thoughts and things are starting to crawl in my headspace and take over..I try to explain things to myself and wish things away..but I get swarmed and stuck..I know the course of action I need to take to rid myself of all this torment..but I fear the outcome..nothing ever truly helps..just puts a moment of silence before it all comes back..I feel haunted..

There's so much and so little going on..I feel overwhelmed by everything and am avoiding life..I've trapped myself..

I'm waiting for social security to send documents in the mail to send me to see one of their doctors..I fear this..the whole process scares me and makes me have to look closely at myself..something I truly try to avoid..

It's brought me to a place I'm further uncomfortable in..this deciding if I'm deserving of state assistance to live this life I truly regret living..It's too complicated to fully grasp the situation..I'm not winning anything if I qualify..I feel like I'm losing pieces of me that are already gone..

oh cora...i hear you. i remember signing paperwork declaring me completely and permanently disabled. at the time it was, like, agreeing that i'm hopeless. i don't apply for state funding, but i can imagine having similar feelings. it sounds like you're struggling and suffering and i'm so sorry you're enduring this. i wish i could wish you confidence and strength but i do think those things are still you and needing help doesn't mean you're helpless. xx

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Thank you melli..I'm on my phone so I can't find the how to quote option..

I'm so clueless to this whole process that I'm not even sure where social security money comes from..might as well be magic elves...

That's the other thing that's been going on..I'm distant from reality and time..

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8 minutes ago, coraline said:

 

That's the other thing that's been going on..I'm distant from reality and time..

i have felt a way that could be described like that when i had disorganized symptoms. i was in care. i was ...every day was the same day but then it also was just one long day. and i had no connection to anything except cigarettes. i'm not kidding. they cleared my head for a ...some percentage enough to kind of put things together, but then it was gone. it's weird even in memory. i'm sorry if that's what you're starting  to go/going through. much love to you, cora. xx

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It feels like a blob..nothing really breaks it up..I'll catch myself staring blankly outside..I do find smoking does help..as bad as that sounds..

I am trying my hardest to be present..I have Bailey my puppy to take care of..I feel like I'm failing at that..but am told otherwise..leaving the house is a battle..every action feels like a fight against myself..

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5 hours ago, coraline said:

I'm so clueless to this whole process that I'm not even sure where social security money comes from..might as well be magic elves...

I was surfing you tube yesterday, and there are a lot of you tubes out there about social security that I would never think were there.

If you have a question about SS, type the question you have in and add 'youtube' at the end of the question, and most likely a you tube will come up that answers your question/s.

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That's something I'd never think YouTube would have any information on..

Thanks for the suggestion 

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1 hour ago, coraline said:

That's something I'd never think YouTube would have any information on..

Thanks for the suggestion 

I didn't think you tube would be helpful either ... I hope it helps to give you answers to questions you are thinking about.

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On 27/12/2016 at 5:21 AM, melissaw72 said:

That sucks.  I'm glad you had a great Christmas, but am sorry you are going through a rough time now.  I hope it doesn't last.

Thanks melissa. Things have calmed down a bit, but am now facing the prospect of havng to go out tomorrow. I can just see everything going to shit again when faced with having to go out. Still, try and remain in a positive frame of mind and hope all is well come tomorrow.

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11 hours ago, coraline said:

I'm so inward and stuck with my thoughts and things are starting to crawl in my headspace and take over..I try to explain things to myself and wish things away..but I get swarmed and stuck..I know the course of action I need to take to rid myself of all this torment..but I fear the outcome..nothing ever truly helps..just puts a moment of silence before it all comes back..I feel haunted..

There's so much and so little going on..I feel overwhelmed by everything and am avoiding life..I've trapped myself..

I'm waiting for social security to send documents in the mail to send me to see one of their doctors..I fear this..the whole process scares me and makes me have to look closely at myself..something I truly try to avoid..

It's brought me to a place I'm further uncomfortable in..this deciding if I'm deserving of state assistance to live this life I truly regret living..It's too complicated to fully grasp the situation..I'm not winning anything if I qualify..I feel like I'm losing pieces of me that are already gone..

I hope all goes well with the social security. Let us know if you have any questions too. Lots of us here are on SSI or SSDI. I am and I am willing to help if need be! I got approved first try without a lawyer in a matter of months, but I was in long term state hospital care at that point. I get pretty stressed and perhaps paranoid during a review time. I dislike those questionnaires. Makes me feel suspicious of the government. 

Sorry for rambling!!

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