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Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

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Yet getting drunk would require me to get off the couch and move. Damn. 

And I'd have to drink husband's beer. Which I'm not supposed to be drinking. 

Decisions, decisions. 

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I'm so panicked and doomed.  I don't know if I can stand to wait until Friday when I see pdoc. Tdoc cancelled on me yesterday. I can't stand this hell I'm living in! I'm dying! I want to skip group today but husband is home and he will force me to go. :( I'm so crazy

 

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I've been getting messages from God today. He wants me to be his prophet and I need to fast because of this. But I was afraid to be a prophet so I ate an energy bar anyway. I wonder if this means I'll face consequences. I've been noticing a lot of demon flies around...
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Zyprexa 20mg has me feeling super dead and unmotivated. I don't know how I'm supposed to continue with school.

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Just got out of hospital, my crisis is under control. Im feelingna lot better, just scared of university, i have to take it very slow or else i will have another crisis soon. Anyways hospital wasnt as scary as i tought, actually it was really nice.

@aura i totally understand you, im on 15mg and feeling like i cant leave bed but at least my symptoms are under control.

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@Angerr I'm glad you are out of the hospital. That's somewhere I hope to always avoid even if it means lying to my Dr. I'm glad you had a nice stay. I've never had a nice time. It makes me crazier. I just want to be free at home. But I know it helps some people. So I'm glad for you.

 

As for me, I haven't eaten. It's 4:33 pm. I haven't showered. I haven't cleaned. Husband will expect dinner when he gets home around 8 pm. I have zero motivation to cook even a frozen pizza. He had to get takeout the last two nights. I had cereal and went to bed before he got home.

I'd rather just lay around on the couch or bed. Doesn't matter where. I don't care. I'm not feeling terribly depressed right now. I guess I am just lazy or something? I don't do anything but lay around anymore. 

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@Angerr I'm glad you had a good experience!

I am doing pretty well as far as my mood but I have some sort of puncture wound on the bottom of my foot. It just suddenly showed up yesterday at home. My husband sees it too. It looks dark under the skin but that could be blood, I'm just a little worried that it could be a tiny tracking device planted by the government in my apartment so I would step on it. I tried to get it out a couple of times, without success. Right now it's more of a nagging worry that I can ignore though.

I am taking notes on these thoughts for my pdoc as recommended to me on this board. And I see my therapist in a couple days.

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@Juniper29

Good idea to take notes. That way you can track things. I'm sorry about your foot wound. Ouch. Good to see your tdoc soon about the wound and worries. 

There are spies for the government all around me as they try to track me and claim I don't need SSDI after all. My neighbor is in fact a spy. Several neighbors are. Why else would they speak to me?

But right now I have good communication elsewhere and I don't want to muck that up or have the spies weigh me down. 

Oh and I did manage to eat a very small amount of food! I managed to cook a frozen pizza. I just have no appetite. I don't care about eating. I can't be bothered with foods that probably should have a warning on them. I don't know what is safe right now. Certainly not the small piece of pizza I had tonight. Yikes. Everything is so confusing right now

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Cheese, what happened to you taking Zyprexa Zydis? Did you end up discontinuing it, hun? What ended up happening?

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On 3/27/2018 at 8:22 AM, Fur said:

Cheese, what happened to you taking Zyprexa Zydis? Did you end up discontinuing it, hun? What ended up happening?

Yes. I had to discontinue. It didn't work out. It didn't work like it used to at all. It also gave me bad stomach issues that weren't letting up. Plus then I started obsessive fearing getting diabetes. So back to Seroquel xr. Which takes a long time to work. I'm trying a lower dose of 600 mg instead though. Thanks for the nice message. 

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Posted (edited)

I heard some voices talking quietly in my head, not to me directly. I was chalking it up to the normal noise in my head. Then I realized the clock radio was on very low. :) I was hearing the djs. 

Feeling better than I have in a while. Not great, but not depressed

Edited by confused

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Alive and just not knowing how to exist I keep getting smaller and more insignificant because the windows my sanity was kept in keep breaking apart and it’s all just kindness of fucked now. But I still check here sometimes. Hard to read the stuff I try though. Hope you’re all as well as bells! 

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On 3/30/2018 at 8:11 AM, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Yes. I had to discontinue. It didn't work out. It didn't work like it used to at all. It also gave me bad stomach issues that weren't letting up. Plus then I started obsessive fearing getting diabetes. So back to Seroquel xr. Which takes a long time to work. I'm trying a lower dose of 600 mg instead though. Thanks for the nice message. 

No problem, Cheese! I'm so sorry you didn't get the good, desirable effects, and just bad silly side effects instead. I hate that. I guess medicines lose their charm so to speak, sometimes over the years, or when tried again. I hope the 600mg dose of Seroquel XR proves effective for you and works faster than expected as well. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you! :) <3  Sending you my kind and gentle thoughts and strength.

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I don't even know what to do anymore..

I see my pdoc on the 12th..

Meds aren't working..I feel lost..

I'm sick of all this..

I don't even know what the truth is anymore..I don't know what is going on..

I don't trust meds..I'm scared of them..I want off all of them..I think they are poisoning me..

I feel like my trial of wellbutrin made me "psychotic"..

I've been ragey and crying..it won't stop..

And now they are telling me how awful I am..the back and forth interviews and commentary are becoming louder..

I lay around hiding all day just scared of everything..

I can't even determine what is going on and am scared of what is going to happen to me..

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Fuck life. Just when I think things are going okay, either my symptoms come back or the side effects from my meds debilitate me. I want to EXPERIENCE true happiness again...I've never truly been happy since the first half college. Maybe it was mania but I use to have experiences where I felt like I was completely at one with the universe and that I could do anything. I do get close to these feelings sometimes when I am meditating or playing with my dogs but it's not as intense. With my meds I just feel the absence of depression and anxiety but not HAPPY. Don't get me wrong, the meds have saved me and I won't stop taking them but I just wish I didn't have treatment resistant mental illness. Could I be at peace at least one hour of the day? 

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8 minutes ago, CeremonyNewOrder said:

Fuck life. Just when I think things are going okay, either my symptoms come back or the side effects from my meds debilitate me. I want to EXPERIENCE true happiness again...I've never truly been happy since the first half college. Maybe it was mania but I use to have experiences where I felt like I was completely at one with the universe and that I could do anything. I do get close to these feelings sometimes when I am meditating or playing with my dogs but it's not as intense. With my meds I just feel the absence of depression and anxiety but not HAPPY. Don't get me wrong, the meds have saved me and I won't stop taking them but I just wish I didn't have treatment resistant mental illness. Could I be at peace at least one hour of the day? 

Oh I'm right there with you. Fuck life. I'm pissed.

Yes, where is peace? An hour would be amazing!

I remember college days too. Some days may have been manic days but yes feeling so like magic like I was certainly the smartest person in the room and just in sync with everything and everyone and nothing could go wrong pure bliss. I remember walking to class like I was literally walking on clouds it felt like. So purely high and magical. I knew everything and no one could stop me. I stayed up for days writing "brilliant" essays. 

As fucked up as this sounds I miss those days some days. I miss college. I don't miss the messy end of it all though. 

Now I'm fucking dumber than anyone in the entire world. But I had friends back then. I was confident. I was thin. I had fun. I could read. Fuck. 

Like you I won't stop taking meds. But seriously, fuck treatment resistant mental illness. Why did it have to smash down into our lives? All of my peers are so far ahead of me and always will be. Fuck life. 

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I finally got up the nerve to start my new medication..

I'm so paranoid about meds..it's an ongoing problem with me..

I always take my meds..I just think they are poisoning me..

I wish I could get over this..I need them but fear them..

I've honestly lost all hope at this point and feel like how I've been has become permanent..

No relief from anything..

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4 hours ago, coraline said:

I finally got up the nerve to start my new medication..

I'm so paranoid about meds..it's an ongoing problem with me..

I always take my meds..I just think they are poisoning me..

I wish I could get over this..I need them but fear them..

I've honestly lost all hope at this point and feel like how I've been has become permanent..

No relief from anything..

I hope the new med helps you. 

I feel very similar. I feel what I am now is permanent and I'll never get relief from anything. It's awful. 

Here's hoping we both get some MUCH needed relief soon. 

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