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Teacup

What happens when you call the cops after your husband hits you?

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What happens when you call the cops after your husband hits you? If they take him to jail, does a report get made and does he sit in there until someone bails him out? Will this cause him to be fired from his job? I am currently filing for SSDI. Will this cause me to lose chances of getting approval?

I want to call the cops next time but am afraid of the consequences. I don't want to do more harm than good.

What are all my options?

I am in the U.S.

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I believe this link is current.  It does say: if the police find that your partner has assaulted or threatened you, or ight do it again, they'll probably make an arrest. The police MUST arrest the person if there is enough evidence. They can make the arrest even if you do not want them too.

 

If your husband is hitting you, please call the cops or at least leave your house and stay with someone safe.  Anything can escalate at anytime.

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What happens after they arrest him? He sits in jail for a few days then they let him go? Does he have to be bailed out? Does it go on his record and does it affect his job?

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What happens after they arrest him? He sits in jail for a few days then they let him go? Does he have to be bailed out? Does it go on his record and does it affect his job?

 

Oh Teacup. I don't know anything at all about your situation.  All I can say is if you are sure he will go to jail then call the police.  

 

It might affect his job. It will go on his record. 

Edited by water

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Sorry to hear your in this situation

 

I'm quite familiar with the procedure in the Uk, but not the Usa.

 

I would imagine if you call the police, they will make a record of it.

 

In terms of will he lose his job,i think it depends on the type of job he does, for example if he's responsible for

the well being of others then yes it will, if he works in for example retail then it might not.

 

Here these men are often let go in the morning from the police station because the woman does not want to press charges.

 

I would defiantly ring a woman's shelter helpline.

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Here in TN, they will arrest him, he'll spend about 12/24 hours in jail and then he has to stay away from your house for 30 days. It's not a restraining order, you can get one of those separately, but he is required by law after a domestic dispute to stay away for 30 days. Yes, it will go on his record, yes it could affect his job. If he is in a job with a no tolerance violence policy, he will lose his job. It will go on record, background checks for jobs will pop it up, but depending on what type of job he does/is applying for depends on if it will affect him or not. I have been in an abusive relationship before and once they throw the first punch, it only goes downhill from there. It will only get worse. It does NOT get better no matter what he says, how many flowers he brings you, or how many times he promises not to do it again. Think of your children. If you have a girl, is this the way you want her to believe she is to be treated? If you have a boy, do you want him growing up thinking this is how is he to treat his girlfriend? If not for yourself, get help and leave for them, or kick him out.

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Well this happened to my mums' sister. Expect he threatened her with a knife. Rang the cops. Cops took him to the station and let him go the same night where he returned and started to abuse her again. How pathetic...

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Update: called a hotline earlier and got some info I didn't know before. Im pretty confident I'm going to have a police report filled out. Maybe even a special kind of restraining order I've heard about, where he's allowed to live here but not hit or touch me in any wrong manner.

I also got to see tdoc today and he gave me the number to a woman's shelter closer to me and I am going to call tomorrow and maybe drive over there to talk to them. I actually want to go check it out, but I am not familiar with being able to get to the area on my own. I do have a car, and gps, and I will also ask the shelter for directions. I'm a very anxious person having to go anyplace by myself not completely familiar. I'll update you all tomorrow.

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If you call next time he hits you, you are going to be in a state of high emotion, as will he be, the police will have to make a judgment call, I think that contacting the hotline or shelter are great ideas. n my country, the police have specially trained officer, often women, who can take reports in times between incidents and calmly lay out what your options are. Most people I know in a relationship where domestic violence is going on don't just up and leave when it starts. For many people, money, housing, kids all affect their freedom to walk. Maybe you are safer making a report privately to an officer you can trust and getting some help? They may be able to arrest him and remove him from your home as part of the order.

 

I would say that people who become physically abusive often display other abusive behavours, emotional, verbal, financial. I can see that hit hitting you is the foremost issue, but someone who either has temper control issues/is abusive won't be held back by that kind or order. If he has genuinely contrite and this behaviour is way out of character, then he could move out and see if there is a course for men who have this kind of thing going on. But it is VERY unlikely he can share a house with you and you guys can continue if a restraining order if the only thing stopping him from being violent. Living with him is sending a message that it is okay to do this. It's not.

 

Whether, friends, family or a lover, it goes without saying that someone ought to handle their own emotional stuff without hitting you. Anyone who puts you in this position is a bad person to live with.

Edited by Titania

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teacup, they may have a restraining order that states he can live with you and not touch you, but if he is an abuser, he won't give two craps about a piece of paper.  He will hit you when his temper flares and that's that.

 

Get into a shelter, and ask them about programs for abused women.  You should definitely get a conventional restraining order so that he can't come within 500' of you or whatever the distance is.  You should work with the shelter people to find a safe place to live.

 

It is NOT your concern what goes on his record.  If he gets a speeding ticket, that's HIS problem.  If he punches the bartender in his favorite bar, that's assault.  If he hits you, he should be arrested and prosecuted and it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  Please talk to the shelter ladies again and I know they will give you good advice.

 

olga

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Update: I just called the number for the shelter and am going to meet with someone Friday morning. I have to arrange a sitter, and that's fine. I also see tdoc afterwards so that's good. He can help me "process" everything in my brain at that point.

At this point, I have no desire to permenantly leave my home or husband. For the first time ever, however, I am considering the idea of temporarily leaving or forcing husband to leave, and beginning to accept that this may or may not lead to permanent separation. The only way I can go through with any of this is thinking of small baby steps. I cannot fathom permanently leaving right now, as this thought causes me to not want to do anything at all to help the situation since my brain is believing I am making it worse for me and my kids. The thought of having no permanent housing, no job, no husband, no father for my children is worse than the few and far between beatings in between. I'm not justifying it. Only stating my fears of leaving for me are far greater than my fears of my husband. I don't care who you are, only someone who has been in my situation can understand, especially when they were and still remain so dependant on their husband. Which I do know of course, my depency has been the problem. I can totally accept that I'm decieving myself. I think that I may be doing just that. But please don't judge me or invalidate my fears.

Please continue giving me your honest feelings, even if it's not what I want to hear..but please don't get angry with me for being "unreasonable". I need all of your support right now. Up to now, I have never been so brave before. I am doing something I should have done years ago. Taking some kind of action. I'm scared shitless right now. I don't want my fears to overcome action once again. I am focusing my objective on the fact that HE CANNOT HIT ME as well as showing him and my children that his physical violence will not be tolerated, even if that means daddy has to go, rather than losing focus and my mind taking over like OH MY GOD I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY HUSBAND AND MY HOME AND MY CHILDREN ARE GOING TO HATE ME.

Olga, I really liked your example about the speeding ticket and the barfight, I found it helpful.

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I understand the baby steps thing, totally.  This is a huge event in your life and you can't take drastic action while you still have hope that he can be a husband and father.

 

However, in my opinion, kids that have a violent father are better off with no father at all.  There can be loving uncles, grandfathers, male friends, and other good men in their lives.  If he continues to hit you, then your children learn that the way men deal with women is to hit them.

 

You are absolutely right that I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes.  I had an independent mother who told me three important things:

1)  Always have a job or some way to make money, even if it's part time.

2)  Always have a bank account of your own, with money that your husband cannot control and doesn't even know about.

3)  The day a man raises his hand to you, take your purse, get in your car, and drive away.  You can go back later with the sheriff for your clothes and belongings.

 

So you see, I was taught that men can't control me and shouldn't control me---so I haven't been in your shoes and I freely admit that.

 

I'm just worried about your safety and the safety of the children.  I think it's great that you are meeting the women at the shelter, and I think their advice will be helpful to you and relevant to your situation.

 

When you plan your future, think about the following points:

1)  If you separate, your husband is required by law to pay child support.  Not if there is a divorce, but from the time you legally separate, he has to pay you 17% of his pre-tax paycheck for one child, 25% for two children, and so on.  I don't know how many you have, but he will be ordered by Family Court to pay you every week.  If he drags his feet, they can garnishee the money and the Dept. of Social Services can have a direct deposit done into an account with ONLY your name on it.

2)  If you have been married any length of time, most courts will award you half of the marital assets.  If you have been home with the kids, they can also award alimony.  You are not going to be penniless.  It might be tough going, but you will have some money.

 

Again, this is all in the future, and it may not come to divorce---but I don't want you to think you will be penniless and homeless.  I have a lot of respect for mothers and how hard they work to care for their children, and I know that my mother was a huge influence in shaping my life.  I want only good things for you, and I am sincere about that.

 

olga

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I understand the desire to take baby steps.  Deciding to leave can be overwhelming.  Sometimes it is good to take time to get all your ducks in a row (gather important papers, things you want to take with you, move some money into a separate bank account, etc.)  However, I caution you greatly that if you take the time to do these things, do NOT let your husband get wind of it, because he may retaliate with further abuse, and/or try to prevent you from leaving.  

 

If your desire to take baby steps is to see if he will actually change for the better, then statistics say that you are waiting on something that will not happen.  Again, sometimes the impact of a half measure, once he is aware of what you're doing, may be worse than the upheaval of a big step.

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I would never judge you, be angry or pressure you.

 

I haven't been in your exact situation, but I did live with a partner who after six months of a good relationship, began beating and raping me. I was a teenager, I didn't tell my parents, in the end, one day I hit him right back (which I don't advise doing) and told him to get out. He stalked and harassed me for six months. I did leave my job and home to live with another partner, who had hidden a huge drug and debt problem. I did literally leave with the clothes on my back, £2.50 in my bank account, got on a coach and came back to my birth town in the hope that my mother would take me in. I don't have kids though, so I totally get your reticence. The fear I felt leaving into the unknown and being sure I would die all by myself was awful. But I had the power to make my life better. In those relationships, I lived with the fear of the guy switching into violence anytime. I couldn't control that, no matter how nice, compliant or obedient I was. If domestic violence was reasonable or able to be reasoned with, more relationships would survive it. But a man who cannot deal with his feelings and communicate except by blows is not someone to be reasoned with. And making life calmer or nicer won't stop the violence sadly. I did try, but anger is anger and it is not a reasonable emotion.

 

I also know that you have worked really hard on recovery and stepping out on your own to be a single mother with finance and housing issues must be terrifying. I think the work you have already done to get help is fantastic, Olga and Odetta are right, sometimes baby steps are the way to prepare.

 

Your kids will know and pick up on 'occasional beatings' even if they are done in private moments. And however unacknowledged, when kids see/hear or sense their parents (who are supposed to love each other) violently hurting each other, it creates fear. And when kids cannot make sense of why home is chaotic and mum and dad hurt each other even though hurting someone is wrong, often they turn it on themselves. I grew up thinking that men hurt women, that I couldn't protect myself and that letting people exploit me was safer than refusing them and being hurt for my refusal. It fucked up my life in so many ways. It was a terrible lesson to learn as a young girl. I don't blame my mother, who stayed and did the best she could. But even when she got away and remarried and has a happy life, she still feels enormous guilt and cries for what happened to us as a family. She regrets 'doing the right thing'; she stayed so we could have a nice home and school and to avoid her fear that my father would punish her for custody.

 

It would be far more positive to make a choice to protect them and you and risk a period of finding a home and income than it would be to force your kids to endure a home where they live in fear and the conviction that they failed to protect you/made Daddy angry/feared getting hurt. My parents stayed together for our good. My brother has OCD, alcohol issues and rings me drunk sobbing that he terrified he is turning into our father and that he cannot stand himself. You know how I turned out. And our father wasn't beating my mother, the abuse was not that obvious.

 

You are a resilient woman with a great deal of inner strength. I can see the real fear and the difficult choices you face and I have no judgment about how you choose to deal with them. Stay or go, I will always support you and believe in you. But dinner on the table and a roof over their head is not the end game for raising healthy kids, don't put your kids in a long term situation of watching him beat you, or worse, a moment of anger where he beats them. The practical finances of life can be sorted out, you or your kids could be injured or killed and that cannot be fixed.

 

I hope you know you can come to CB always for support and that no one here thinks your situation is an easy no brainer kind of problem. Big hug.

Edited by Titania

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I don't think you're overreacting, nor would I ever judge you. I think olga and Titania have some great advice and suggestions. I want to offer my support.

 

Nobody deserves to get hit.

 

I'm wishing the best for you when you call the shelter. I hope everything works out for the best. Sending gentle comforts.

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Thanks everyone, Olga and Titania.

So I did file a police report. I asked for the report number and have it safely hidden in my purse. A female officer in my town who took my info is going to check on me from time to time, when he isn't home of course (she'll know cause his vehicle won't be here). I thought this was nice.

I still plan on going to my appointment at the shelter Friday morning. I see tdoc right after.

A very good thing is that I just starting driving this last 1 1/2 years. Tdoc really pushed me and so glad he did. I feel like I have much more control over my situation. It's hard enough for a woman deciding to take action in this situation, but for a woman who has severe mi, along with a history of agoraphobia, it's fucking impossible. So thank GOD I found the pdoc and tdoc that I did. Or none of this would even be possible.

Edited by Teacup

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teacup, that sounds very positive.  I'm glad you talked to a female cop and I am VERY glad that your tdoc encouraged you to learn to drive.  That's really wonderful and I feel very hopeful for your future.

 

Keep reporting in because many of us here will be watching this thread and we appreciate hearing the latest news.

 

olga

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I'm recognizing a pattern..that once again, after things have died down and things are starting to get back to "normal", I am rethinking my plans on taking action. I'm feeling silly, and much like a traitor. I no longer feel I'm in any "danger", so why am I continuing to make this into a drama.

But the wiser experienced me KNOWS that it will happen again. Next week, next month, next year? It's only a matter of time. Yet I continue to believe that even a few more shoves, slaps and bruises will not justify what I am about to do to him. After all he's put up with me and some serious mi bullshit all these years. He's done so much for me.

But I know it's a good chance it's not going to stop for good. And I don't want to feel like that again especially in front of my kids. And besides, I got a bad feeling he's going to do this again soon. I just feel things brewing. I'm glad he's not home this week. (Last night he left for work trip).

I promise myself I will go to my appointment Friday and listen. I don't want to regret it and feel trapped later. But I am losing my nerve to do anything else.

I need everyone to advise me to go to my appointment no matter how stupid/ridiculous/scared I feel.

Why do I feel that I have to have broken bones and severe injuries and regular beatings to warrant me going to this type of appointment? Why do I continue to invalidate myself, my rights?

I must manage my time wisely tomorrow so as to get to my appointment on time. I already arranged a sitter for my son, I have to be completely ready and packed (dbt homework, purse with cell and wallet and directions, sons toys, lunch and snacks for the sitter). I am a procrastinator and I cannot allow myself to procrastinate out of this.

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Go to your appointment. Just go. We're all here behind you cheering you on, and waiting to hear how it goes if you're able.

So go.

It took a lot out of you to get far enough to make one. Going isn't the hardest part. Making the appointment was the hardest part and you already did that part!

So you should go to it. 

 

As for why you invalidate yourself? Because you've been taught to do so.

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Rosie has good advice.  The hard part was making the appointment.  When you come back from it tomorrow, we will all be here, cheering for you.  You can do it, teacup.

 

olga

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I went. I was freaking out just trying to find the place without getting lost. But I did it. I seen tdoc afterward. He is not far from the place.

I didn't really get a lot out of my visit to this domestic violence shelter. I met with a nice enough woman and answered a lot of questions and basically what we discussed is that it is never ok for anybody to hit another person. I already know this.

I agreed to come again next Friday to see her for counseling (before I see tdoc). I will have to ask my aunt to babysit. I may have to cancel though because I don't have $ to offer aunt to babysit. I can't ask husband for money he will ask questions. I'm on very limited funds. I already ask her to watch kids every Wednesday at 5:15 until husband picks them up at 5:45 in order for me to drive to my dbt class.

I hope my SSDI application was approved, today was the day they were supposed to have an answer. If I was not approved, I am screwed.

I'm not complaining, but I shell a lot of money towards therapy in general *sigh* and this would be life saving, literally, to allow me to continue all this counseling and therapy.

If I was working and not driving, I would never be able to attend these domestic violence counseling appointments. Time wise and independence wise. I do consider myself privileged somehow to be able to attend.

I told tdoc I still didn't get a chance to discuss a "safety plan" or a "what should I do if I decide to take action when he hits me again plan" today. He said we will discuss next time. This really bummed me since this was the whole point of me going out there.

Edited by Teacup

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